Am I being a bad daughter?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

This will most likely get a bit long so please bear with me. Longtime poster going unreg for this.

About 9 years ago I moved away from my parents to study. I moved 600km away but kept visiting them regularly and we were talking on the phone too. While I was still receiving money from them I did take a part-time job at some point to help out. 3 years ago I moved to Ireland, my parents are still in our home country. I haven't been able to go visit them at home yet due to money reasons, they have visited twice though. We do talk on skype once a week and also on the phone whenever we want to.

My Dad was always a good earner but shortly after I went to Ireland he had to retire early due to medical conditions. Cutting this short, it all points to him having dementia by now. My grandma (from my mother's side) is 94 and had to be put in a nursing home recently as my parents are in no state to take care of her as my dad isn't well either and my mom is working (self employed). It's a good home from what I heard but her leg had to be amputated not long ago and of course she is suffering. I try to call as often as I can.

Now since my Dad only gets rather little retirement money due to working for a foreign company most of his life and my mom's work has very unstable income so they are struggeling quite a bit. Fortunately they have no rent to pay as the house has been paid off long ago but things just keep piling up. Yesterday I had a long call with my mom and she cried a lot as she has no one to turn to and both and my sister live in Ireland. She has to handle my Dad and grandma on her own and naturally it's very hard on her.

My grandma is the kind of person that blames her for being miserable but tells my sister and me how much my mom does for her. We tell our mom this of course but it still isn't fair. My mom is a very strong person and has always been but at this point I am worried she will break down soon. She is in her late 60's as well and from what she said will hardly get any retirement money. In the past she could count on my dad but what is happening to him is hitting us all pretty hard but she has to deal with it every day.

I feel so bad for not being able to visit and or being able to help out financially. My OH and me try to make ends meet ourselves and unfortunately there is usually nothing left to sent to them. My sister earns better but doesn't have money to sent either at this point as she had to take a car loan recently.

When we are on the phone my mom keeps telling me how much she misses me and wants to give me a hug and I do too but I don't know how. I can't afford to go and neither can she. She keeps saying that I should have the money to come since I'm employed and then she starts saying I just don't want to come. It's true that our income (which is basically just mine atm and below 25k) is higher than what they have but we have to pay rent as well so in the end we actually have less. I explained it to her many times but she doesn't listen and tells me that I should just abandon them if I don't car anymore.

I'm a rather emotional person just like her and these words hit me hard as I love my parents dearly even though we fight a lot. It makes me feel like I abandoned them but I don't know how I would be able to visit them.

Am I being a bad daughter? I am starting to think it's true what she says but I know I want to go visit and if it's just a weekend. I'm at such a loss......

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

If you can't go, you can't go. End of. I think your mother is unfairly putting pressure on you.

That said, she's in a horrible situation herself, so i can understand her frustration. So no, you're not a bad daughter and she's not a bad mother. I'd call her a little more often than once a week though. Even if there's no news, the call itself can be a help.

MagicMarker

You're not being a bad daughter, but it sounds like your mother is really struggling, she spent her life raising her kids and now at a time when she should be able to relax and enjoy life she's going through it all again with her husband and her own mother.

There are times when we need to make sacrifices for our family, your mother, at her stage of life, shouldn't have to go through this alone.

Just my 2c.

Meller

I think your mother is putting a lot of pressure on you, but she's clearly in a desperate state. A lot of mothers would hide this to spare your guilt; she isn't, and that's fair enough. She sounds like she really does need you.

I know you say you're strapped for cash but I think, usually, where there's a will there's a way. If there was an emergency I'm sure you'd find the money. Maybe not though - I don't know your exact financial state. But this sounds like a really bad situation for your mum so if I were you I would be trying to find the money by any means possible- your parents are quite old, your dad is sick, and they won't always be around. Personally, I do think children have a responsibility to do everything they can for their parents in such situations, even if it is very inconvenient for them... this should be the absolute top of your priorities. I'm sure your OH would understand too. But maybe it is, right after 'getting by' - I don't know!

Anyway, to answer your question, I don't think you're being a bad daughter. You clearly do care about your parents. It doesn't sound like you're being the absolutely 'perfect', self-sacrificing daughter either. Very few people are though, and you have your own life to worry about too - it's very understandable.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Thank you for your replies, they really help a lot.

I'm currently trying to somehow put some money aside to hopefully go visit at the end of October (my Mom's and grandma's birthday are very close together at that time) and hopefully that will work out somehow.

Unfortunately it's really a situation where after the bills and food, there is nothing left to pay anything from. We get by without starving but we have cut on all corners already. The only "extra" expense that we have is the 2 bunnies in our house and they usually don't take much. We cancelled our mobile contracts since they were just too pricy and hopefully that will help as well.

Thank you again, it really helps. I do call more than once a week, that's only the skype call. I tell her to call me at any time, I rather her her talk to me than eat it up. I had considered moving back but I think on that point I am being a bit selfish as I love the job and the company I work for. They have really great conditions and I would hate to leave the place as I hope to progress in the company with time.

Tramps Like Us

Is there any way you can take a career break and move back for a while to help your mum? She's struggling and needs help, you need to step up to the plate. A weekend visit won't help with anything.

It's a horrible situation but from what you've said it seems your parents are very good people, you haven't had a massive falling out or anything. Your parents supported you for years, now you need to help them. If you can't do that by sending money home, then you should go home and help them, even if it is just for six or eight months. It sucks, but it's the right thing to do and I think deep down you know that.

marizpan

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Is there any way you can take a career break and move back for a while to help your mum? She's struggling and needs help, you need to step up to the plate. A weekend visit won't help with anything.

It's a horrible situation but from what you've said it seems your parents are very good people, you haven't had a massive falling out or anything. Your parents supported you for years, now you need to help them. If you can't do that by sending money home, then you should go home and help them, even if it is just for six or eight months. It sucks, but it's the right thing to do and I think deep down you know that.

I have to agree.
While you are not a 'bad' daughter, you are being passive.
They sound like good people and I am actually shocked that you haven't been home in years and years.

You mother needs help and I would hope that you would want to spend real time, not a weekend, with them while they are alive or you fully loose your dad to dementia.
You could regret this later on. Adult children do have a responsibility to good parents.

LegacyUser

OP again!

Thank you again for the replies. I know I have been rather passive until now, which is why I want to change that.

I'm not sure if I understand career break right, isn't it basically unpaid leave or downright quitting? Unfortunately that wouldn't work if that's the case as I have no money to support myself, neither does my OH. As my parents are only just getting by they wouldn't have money to pay for our food either....if it means something else, I'm definitely open for suggestions.

I do love my parents very much and I know they need me (and my sister) so I don't want anything more than to help them .

Tramps Like Us

baddaughter? wrote: »

OP again!

Thank you again for the replies. I know I have been rather passive until now, which is why I want to change that.

I'm not sure if I understand career break right, isn't it basically unpaid leave or downright quitting? Unfortunately that wouldn't work if that's the case as I have no money to support myself, neither does my OH. As my parents are only just getting by they wouldn't have money to pay for our food either....if it means something else, I'm definitely open for suggestions.

I do love my parents very much and I know they need me (and my sister) so I don't want anything more than to help them .

Yeah, with a career break you basically leave for a while and they save your job for you. Couldn't your OH stay in Ireland until you manage to get some work in your home country? Or couldn't you get a small loan to cover food expenses for a while until you get work? If food will be pretty much your only expense then thats no excuse, imo.

I don't mean to be harsh but if you really wanted to you would find a way, perhaps subconsciously you came on here wanting reassurance that it is ok to do nothing but I don't think it is.

TBH if it were me I would have gone home a long time ago, even if it was just to spend some time with my father before the dementia got really bad.

CaraMay

I agree with other posters, there is a crisis in your family and your mother needs help. Maybe she has struggled on until now but has to finally ask for help. Financially your job here is not making your life much easier. Personally I think.both of you should be looking at moving home for a period of time to help.out.

LegacyUser

Op here,

Thank you once again for the replies. I definitely didn't come here to look for confirmation as I am just at a loss of what to do.

My partner couldn't stay unfortunately as he is unemployed and not eligible for JSB or any social welfare due to not meeting habitual residence criteria. We have tried this before. I have applied to a small loan at my bank recently to see what I can do but was declined due to not having a credit history.

I have also tried finding work in my home country with no success as I never finished my colleague course.

I will try applying to another with another bank but i was pretty much told before that if I never had a loan before, I won't be getting one (which is silly imo, you have to start somewhere....).
I'll also have a meet-up with my sister to see what we can do together.

Thank you again for all the replies, I'll definitely try all I can to help out.

Big Bag of Chips

Is there any home help that your mam would be entitled to? If she is doing all the work she is going to burn out soon. But if she could get some sort of assistance even a couple of times a week, it would give her a small break.

dory

I agree with the above that your mother is putting pressure on you, but she seems to be at breaking point. Having a partner with dementia is extremely difficult. If I was in your shoes I'd be going home and applying for whatever job you can get there. You said you wouldn't get paid as much in your home country, but in terms of standard of living it should be about the same as you're stuggling here. At least you could save on rent with your mother. Up to you OP but I really feel for your mother.

Stavro Mueller

My rule of thumb on this is to ask yourself how you'd feel if you got a phone-call in the morning telling you that your mum had died. Any regrets?

Meauldsegosha

OP, if your partner can't find work here and can't avail of social welfare, can he not move to your home country with you? He could help your mother while you work. I know you said you couldn't find work there because you didn't finish college but not all jobs require a college education.