Awkward Family Situation

LegacyUser

Registered user going unregistered for this.

I'm a 26 year old guy. I'm the only son in my family. I have two older sisters. My folks are both pushing about 60.

I have three male cousins who I am very close with. They are all a bit older than me. In the past 6 years or so, both my sisters and my 3 cousins have all gotten married. My two older sisters have kids, as do 2 of my cousins.

Now I can sense that all eyes are upon me. The added pressure of being the sole male "heir" in my immediate family is adding to the feeling of being the centre of focus.

The subtle and not so subtle hints are coming from all sides. And they are coming thick and fast. Everyone wants me to find a girl, settle down, get married and have kids.

This wouldn't be so bad. If that was the only problem, I could deal with it.

But it is even worse for me. I am secretly gay. I have known for a number of years that I'm gay, but have never had the courage to come out. I know this would break my parents' hearts that I would never have a baby to carry on the family name.

My family (including my extended family) have very high standards and are very exacting and pretty controlling. I love them, don't get me wrong. But the whole idea of family, marriage, children and having life mapped out is very strong here. Everyone must conform to this.

I was always the mini-rebel in the family. I took a year out and travelled the world before I started college. I experimented very mildly in smoking cannabis when I was younger, but I stopped when I started college and have never gone back. I do enjoy having a drink, but not excessively. I'm openly atheist, when the rest of my family is staunchly religious.

I think the fact that I'm gay and will not have the traditional family will be too much for my family. I do not rely on them for support financially or anything (I have a good, well-paying job that I love and I have my own place). So if a fall out were to happen it wouldn't impinge on me much that way. But the fact that I'm already something of a "black sheep" in everyone's eyes will mean that coming out would just compound that notion.

But I have a wonderful relationship with my sisters and their kids. Same with my cousins. It would absolutely kill me if that was to end or be sullied.

Every day I feel pressure building up on me. I am expected to fall into line. I am fully expected to have a family. I am the youngest of the family and am now the next in line. Sometimes the pressure is so overwhelming when I am alone and thinking about it. I have started crying a lot lately. I am so afraid of what will happen.

I have no idea if anything I said made any sense at all. I'm just groping in the dark here looking for any advice that anyone can give me. I cannot hide this forever and I am so deeply afraid of what will happen when/if it all gets revealed.

bp

Well firstly there is nothing wrong with being gay, let's start with that.

Secondly I would hope that your family love you no matter what and just want you to be happy. That said if you come out it may be very difficult for them to accept. They may go down the route of Uncle X's friend if you did meet someone special.

Do what you feel best doing and be happy - family love you deep down

December2012

I wonder do they know or suspect you are gay already and are trying to get you to come out with it?

Are you openly gay anywhere or just not around your family?

That pressure alone must be tough.

The good news is its 2013 and being gay doesn't have to stop you from most of the things you may want out of life - marriage (hopefully), kids, family life, job, kid free life, love, single hood.

All are doable and possible when you're gay.

Do you have anybody you could talk to in real life?

ivytwine

You know what OP you might well be surprised at your family's reaction.

I'm not saying that things are rosy for gay people in Ireland, there's still a fair bit of prejudice about, but there is increasing tolerance. And tolerance is usually something that comes from experience. My own father was very, shall we say, old-fashioned about gay people until my cousin (his nephew) came out and now he has no problem at all with it.

Sure some of your extended family may crib and moan but did you let it bother you when you're off travelling?

It's 2013 and there's no need for anyone in Ireland to be "secretly gay". You can still be the heir apparent, you're just the heir apparent who likes men.

You only get one life OP so live it as yourself.

ted1

Get out of the closet, unless your honest with yourself and them, the then expectations won't go away

LegacyUser

Hi

I really felt for you really your post, my sister is gay and it took her years to come out to us as she was afraid we would reject her. I was the closest to her and I was the last to know aswell! She was afraid of our reaction, to be honest I knew she was and Ive accepted her because it doesnt change who she is at all. My mother bless her thinks its a phase but is still the same as before she knew. The only bad reaction she got was from my Nanny who said she would have been told she was pregnant (Nan was very religious) but she came around aswell evenually.

My point is you just dont know how your family will react, they may already suspect, I used to annoy my sister about men before in the hopes that it would encourage her to tell me!!

You get one shot at this life, it sounds like your family loves you very much, be honest with them... most times we always think things are worse than they are.... good luck

Beruthiel

What Do I Do wrote: »

I think the fact that I'm gay and will not have the traditional family will be too much for my family.

Tough sh!t in fairness.
I have a daughter round your age and all I expect from her is that she does whatever it takes to be happy in her life.

My opinion is, people don't really think about what they are saying. They most likely think that you following the same path as them is all it takes for you to reach Nirvana.
It's well meaning, but ultimately futile and if they knew how they were actually making you feel, they would probably be quite upset to be causing you such unnecessary pressure.

OP,
You will never be happy while you deny yourself for the sake of others.
Your life will feel empty and sad.
It's a short life and I beg you to do your very best to find your own happiness.

You say you get on well with your sisters, I bet you have built up their reaction in your head. I bet they take it better then you imagine.

It might help you to read comments from others on this site.

This will also strike a cord.

Remember OP, it is not selfish to consider your own happiness above all.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thank you so much for all the replies. They have been great comfort. Really have.

I know myself that there is nothing wrong with being gay. I have actually accepted it fairly well. I have two close friends who are gay. I really want to come out soon. I really do.

See, I know my family "loves" me. That doesn't say that they sometimes don't like me. I just don't want to be forbidden from seeing my wonderful little nephews or my cousins' kids. I love kids a lot. Everyone says I'd make a great dad (hinting at it). I do find myself getting broody about it sometimes.

If my family does suspect that I'm gay, I cannot see how or why. I am in no way "obviously" gay and I have had girlfriends in the past, including some very serious ones. The only giveaway lately could possibly be the absence of a girlfriend since I was 24. But apart from that.

I'm not out to anyone, really. I have tried in the past, but panicked and didn't come out. I have never expressed my true feelings to anyone.

I do have wonderful, close, and very like-minded friends. I would be fine telling them, but I just don't want it getting back to my family yet. As difficult as it may be for my family to hear it from me, I can only imagine if it came to them second hand.

As for their reaction, I have to say I'm not at all sure of what might happen. There as never been any overt homophobia or anything, but there is a real streak of conservatism. I'm already the semi-outcast for being more free-spirited and a little rebellious.

I did catch a lot of flak from all sides for going travelling. I was only 18 and I wanted to see some of the world. Granted, it was just a big excuse for me and some friends to get stoned, drunk and laid in as many foreign, exciting locations as possible. But it was just something I wanted so badly, something I'd scrimped and saved for, something bold and daring and against the grain (for my family anyway). I think that my sisters and my cousins were secretly jealous of it, while my patents and aunt and uncle were genuinely disapproving.

I do seriously want to come out, be myself for once and to show my family that just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean that I'm a horrible or bad person. I try to be the best person I can be, I try to be kind, gentle and friendly. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I genuinely am.

It is helping me just even writing all this down! It seriously is.

Beruthiel

OP again wrote: »

I just want to be loved and accepted for who I genuinely am.

The people who genuinely love and care for you will continue to do so.

When you take that first step and tell someone, the relief and weight off your shoulders will be huge.
Stop allowing fear to cripple you OP.
You're wasting time, time that would be better spent living your life openly.

Honey-ec

What Do I Do wrote: »

The added pressure of being the sole male "heir" in my immediate family is adding to the feeling of being the centre of focus.

I know this would break my parents' hearts that I would never have a baby to carry on the family name.

They have two daughters with children who are perfectly capable of carrying on the family name. Are you actually saying that a child belonging to you would be "worth" more to your parents than their existing grandchildren?

You are living a lie, OP, and I think that as long as you continue to do this, you are denying yourself the possibility of ever being truly happy. Why on earth do you think you'd be forbidden from seeing your nieces/nephews if you came out? Do your sisters think being gay is contagious or something?

Quite frankly, you will never know how your family will react to your sexuality unless you tell them. I have seen some of the most staunchly conservative people completely change their tune once a son or daughter comes out. Family has a strange way of softening people's attitudes. But even if your worst fears come true and they react badly, will you really be any worse off? As it stands, they are not accepting you for you anyway, because they don't know who you are.

It's a risk, but a risk worth taking, imo.

December2012

Maybe you're more sensitive to things that aren't there?

Big sisters will often pass comments onto little brothers about everything in your life, it's part of the role (apparently!)

Maybe ask your sisters if they have ever felt the pressure you felt about the travelling.

kylith

OP, just because you're gay doesn't mean you'll never have a child to carry on the family name, there's adoption or surrogacy.

You're going to have to tell them you're gay at some point. You're a grown man, stop being worried about what other people might think and start living your life the way you want to.

Merkin

Beruthiel wrote: »

You will never be happy while you deny yourself for the sake of others.Your life will feel empty and sad.
It's a short life and I beg you to do your very best to find your own happiness.

This is so true. And this is ultimately what it boils down to. Do you forsake your own happiness to prevent their perceived outrage or do you stay true to yourself, allow yourself to live the life you want and ultimately allow yourself to be happy?

This is your life hon. You only get one shot. I appreciate that coming out (and coming to terms with ones one sexuality) can be a lonely old road to travel but I think denying yourself the life you want to live is ultimately far more damaging and so very sad.

You owe this to yourself. And people who love you will not stop loving you.

There is a very supporting LGBT forum on Boards which you may like to talk to people on as well. So many people there have first-hand experience of what you're going through right now and will be able to best advise you on what approach to take.

In some respects this is as "Awkward" as you make it. You've nothing to apologise for. You just happen to prefer boys to girls. It doesn't change who you are and anyone with half an ounce of wit will appreciate that. I really hope this works out for you x

Merkin

OP again wrote: »

See, I know my family "loves" me. That doesn't say that they sometimes don't like me. I just don't want to be forbidden from seeing my wonderful little nephews or my cousins' kids.

I think you've wound yourself up into a total here tizzy by the way! Have you thought about this logically? Homosexual does not equal Paedophile. Why on earth would anyone think to forbid you from seeing your family if you come out? You like men, not small children

hfallada

Tbh I don't know anyone would one pushing their family members to get married under the age of 30. I wonder do your family kind of think your gay and are giving you a nudge. Surely a parent are thinking something is up if you are 26 and haven't brought anyone home or even said anything about a girl friend.

Although you cant have a "traditional family" there is nothing stopping you having a husband and children if you want(obviously having children will be more difficult).

OP it's your life and live it. Do what makes you happy as you only have one shot at it. There is nothing worse than being unhappy at 26 than being unhappy at 56 when you realising you have spent your life pleasing others and not yourself.

Chucky the tree

If your family aren't willing to accept you as who you truly are then why would you want them in your life? I can never understand why people are happy to life an unhappy life just to please their family. It's your life, live in a way that will make you truly happy don't worry about your family.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Wow, thank you all so much. It is seriously so comforting and is really making me feel better.

Someone mentioned that my family might know somehow. I don't think they do. Someone mentioned that they might never have met a girlfriend of mine. They have. I have had several girlfriends in my time, and my parents have met them. So as far as they know, I'm straight. I just have not had a girlfriend in about 2 years. Maybe that is a kicker, but I don't think it would be.

I will admit that I am maybe thinking too much about it. But I am just so unsure.

I know in my heart and soul what needs to be done. But I am still afraid.

My older sister, she's about 10 years older than me, would be the person I would feel most comfortable talking to about anything. I'm godfather to her eldest son. He's 5 years old and he's a little hero. I love spending time with him. I love my sister so much. When I was a kid, she always looked out for me and was always helping me fight my corner. I think when I finally screw up the courage, she will be the one I would go to.

She would be the most liberal and most forward thinking of my family. She always gave me a subtle smile, grin or wink whenever my rebellious side came out. I will always remember the time I was going travelling when I was 18, she was the only one who came to see me off at the airport. We held each other for ages and cried before I left. She was just worried about me more than anything.

Does anyone have any idea of the best way to approach her, approach the subject? Should I talk about something else first? Should I simply meet up with her and just tell her? I don't know.

Thanks for listening.

Also, Bethuriel, thank you so much for posting those links. They are so touching. I was crying reading through them. They gave me such hope and such courage.

Roselm

Does anyone have any idea of the best way to approach her, approach the subject? Should I talk about something else first? Should I simply meet up with her and just tell her? I don't know.[/quote]

You could arrange to meet up for coffee and then maybe tell her "I've news for you/something to tell you that's really important to me..." This is probably the best way as she'll be ready to listen to whatever you have to say.

One of my friends at college came out to me while we were browsing round a shop! I suppose it was casual and she didnt build up to it or whatever so it came out as sounding like "So, this isn't a huge deal" (which it was't).I dont think this is probably the best idea for you and your sister but it IS very non confrontational!!!

LegacyUser

OP again

It's been coming for a long time. I want to bite the bullet as soon as I can. I've been talking to my sister today. I want to tell her soon. She knows something is wrong with me. Just from the way I've been talking to her today. She is going to meet me after I'm finished work tomorrow.

I'm really nervous. I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Work will be a write-off tomorrow. I get butterflies and knots in my stomach just thinking about it.

Also, I just saw something someone posted. And no, of course my parents wouldn't value any children I'd have more. They just always said they can't wait until all of their children have kids of their own. So it's just that I'm now the only one who hasn't had a kid yet and there's a bit of added emphasis now. There's always talk of it now. It's constant. I just try to laugh it off and be casual. But it's getting harder. Subtle pressure being applied to put myself out there more. To find someone I will fall for.

It's a bit draconian, but I think my folks are just worried that I might leave it too long. Little do they know. I feel like I need to let them know. Let it sink in. Let them take it on board.

I'm really hoping that my sister reacts well. I love her. It will kill me if she reacts badly. That's why I'm so nervous.

Wish me luck. Thanks again.

December2012

Good Luck OP.

ivytwine

Good luck OP, I really hope it works out for you

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I met up with my sister on Monday evening. I struggled badly at first. I started crying. I told her how much I loved her and my family and how I hoped they would love me.

She was shocked at how upset I got and urged me to tell her what was wrong. I finally told her everything that was on my mind and told her that I'm gay. I told her that I'm just feeling so pressured.

She hugged me. She held me. She cried with me. She was not upset at all. She was upset that I hadn't told her sooner and at how upset and depressed I had gotten. She was slightly shocked at hearing it. But she doesn't care. Her words were, "You're my baby brother, and I love you so much". Needless to say I cried even harder after she said that.

This has been a huge step. Absolutely huge. I cannot believe how well it went. My sister has promised not to tell anyone else. But for when I do tell the rest of my family, she will come with me and be there for me.

I'm crying as I'm typing this. But it is happiness and relief. Even if my parents or my other sister or my cousins don't take it as well, the fact that my eldest sister did makes it all ok. She's always been there for me. She's always been the one who gave me a big hug when I was down as a kid.

I know my friends will be totally fine with it, so I'm not worried there. At all. I'm not even that worried about my family any more. I have one person in my corner. Like I always have. And I'm so thankful for that.

Think I will leave here now. Whatever else happens, I think I'll be ok. Thanks to everyone.

Merkin

I'm so so happy for you OP, what a wonderful result and something that must be such a weight off your mind. Here's wishing you a very happy and confident future, well done xx

Esoteric_

Been following the thread, but didn't post because I couldn't top the great advice you were given.

I actually teared up a little reading your last post, OP. I'm so glad it went well for you.

Fair play for having the courage to tell her. Stay strong, at least you know now that whatever happens, your sister loves and accepts you for who you are. I'm sure with her fighting your corner, your whole family will, too.

Best of luck and well done!

December2012

Got a bit misty eyed here too.

Well done OP.

Well done.

Neyite

OP, glad to hear it went well. I'll close this thread now for you so.