Too many compliments

LegacyUser

My bf is a great guy. A little reserved at times but affectionate and generally sweet. I admire him and am attracted to him and I like to tell him all of this especially after we've had sex but last night he flipped a bit. He told me I was talking too much, he had his head saying, "no you're not" to everything I was saying and he was a bit harsh. He was definitely not tactful!

Now I'm feeling confused. As I see it there are 2 problems for him-
1) My babbling
2) His heads reaction to my words
My problems-
1) My hurt feelings
2) I don't know how to open my mouth now (without resenting this new filter to run my words through and coming out with snappy emotional stuff)


So I'll try to cut back the babbling and I COULD cut back the compliments but I'm inclined to think that it's his reaction to compliments he should work on? Is that unreasonable? Maybe we should do both? I tried to talk about it when he told me how his head reacts when we were talking this morning but we didn't have a a lot of time and he didn't seem to think it was something he could work on. So do I have the right to ask him to? Should I be the only one modifying my behaviour? I've been codependent in the past and I'm very scared of certain things that may be a "gateway" back to old behaviour. Maybe I'm so scared of being codependent that I'm not doing the give and take thing?


My problems? I have no idea how to feel warmer to him without knowing if it is reasonable for him to ask me to change words that come out of me spontaneously because I feel positive things when I'm around him.

Anahita

If the compliments are sincere, you shouldn't feel you have have to hold back.

In case these compliments are during the sexy business, it might be distracting to him? Puts him off his game? But more probably, he's not that comfortable taking a compliment which is ok and easy to understand. Does he give them?

blatantrereg

It's reasonable to ask someone to stop babbling so much if it's annoying. It's reasonable to be sceptical of excessive compliments. But it sounds like he was not respectful in how he said it. It didn't occur to him to say anything about that when you tried to talk about it afterwards.

I think it would be considerate if you do keep a lid on the compliments and babble. You might talk to him about how he reacted - but treat it as a separate matter.

Geomy

It's him that has the problem not you.
Don't ever change your personality for any gob****e....
Babble away, if he is any good he would be a good listener

His behaviour has all the hallmarks of a control freak. ..

Believe me he'll only get worse. ...

I love a chatty woman :-)

Ave Sodalis

Personally, I'd probably be more like your boyfriend. Although I've never been in a proper relationship (so it could be different), I have been with men who compliment too much and it irritates me. I guess its stems from the past where I had low self confidence and the few compliments I did receive felt like lies.
Now, I don't mind the odd compliment but too much brings up the same kind of emotion. Outwardly, I'd say thanks but I'd be thinking "please, I've got it, just shut up". Yes, they are my own issues but it's very off putting. For me, flooding me with compliments would just make things worse and wouldn't help me overcome these issues in the slightest.
Maybe it's similar for your boyfriend? Either way, it doesn't seem like you're on the same page. Normally I would say to not change who you are but, if it is similar to me, continuing would only push him away.

LegacyUser

complmentary wrote: »

My bf is a great guy. A little reserved at times but affectionate and generally sweet. I admire him and am attracted to him and I like to tell him all of this especially after we've had sex but last night he flipped a bit. He told me I was talking too much, he had his head saying, "no you're not" to everything I was saying and he was a bit harsh. He was definitely not tactful!

Now I'm feeling confused. As I see it there are 2 problems for him-
1) My babbling
2) His heads reaction to my words
My problems-
1) My hurt feelings
2) I don't know how to open my mouth now (without resenting this new filter to run my words through and coming out with snappy emotional stuff)


So I'll try to cut back the babbling and I COULD cut back the compliments but I'm inclined to think that it's his reaction to compliments he should work on? Is that unreasonable? Maybe we should do both? I tried to talk about it when he told me how his head reacts when we were talking this morning but we didn't have a a lot of time and he didn't seem to think it was something he could work on. So do I have the right to ask him to? Should I be the only one modifying my behaviour? I've been codependent in the past and I'm very scared of certain things that may be a "gateway" back to old behaviour. Maybe I'm so scared of being codependent that I'm not doing the give and take thing?


My problems? I have no idea how to feel warmer to him without knowing if it is reasonable for him to ask me to change words that come out of me spontaneously because I feel positive things when I'm around him.

Personally, I'd find it hugely off-putting if someone was exclusively/excessively complimentary. I'd just find it way too much, and frankly more than a little insincere. No-one is great (personality or sexually) all of the time. If you are being excessively complimentary, well it loses its value. I think you might need to dial it back OP. It sounds like he feels smothered by your behaviour.

heretochat

Maybe your boyfriend is just not great at receiving compliments? I know I become very uncomfortable when someone is excessively complimentary and I begin to wonder what the motives are.. Maybe I have esteem issues.. possible..

What I am trying to babble I suppose is that he may find it uncomfortable being complimented all the time.. not sure about the apparent OTT reaction though.

Like others I would suggest scaling back a bit so any compliments when given are accepted for just what they are..

elleelle19

complmentary wrote: »

he had his head saying, "no you're not" to everything I was saying

If I understand this correctly sounds like he is reacting badly because he doesn't believe what you are saying, deep down. Sounds like he might have self esteem issue and can't accept that the compliments you are giving him are true.

Personally I don't like someone giving me excessively compliments, not because I don't believe they are true ;-), but it comes of as a bit needy and clingy. I just end up thinking "Yeah I get it, you think I'm great, Fine, now stop telling me all the time". I prefer if someone is confident enough in the relationship that they can let all that stuff go unsaid, or only said occasionally. Action speak louder than words and all that.

Chara1001

I don't know if this helps op, but I have a relative who doesn't stop talking. Ever. She lives abroad so i don't have to deal with it all the time, nor do any other family members.
Its become a bit of a joke as whoever spends time with her when she's over ends up exhausted after a couple of hours.
And its not like it makes much sense, i mean what she says isn't necessarily related to what the topic was just a few secs ago, and she won't let you drift off either, she keeps tapping your leg to make sure you're following her.
Also she keeps complimenting you, i can't take it seriously and i hate that she does it as i find her constant telling you how great you are hollow and grating. I really don't like it , so when she starts to do it now, i find myself telling her to stop or arguing with her.

Op i don't know if your boyfriend feels with you like i do with my aunt, but tbh, i find it excruciating. Maybe try to have a heart to heart with you OH and LISTEN to his concerns. There's no need to keep complimenting him, too much of it can cheapen what you say.

P. Breathnach

complmentary wrote: »

... I admire him and am attracted to him and I like to tell him all of this especially after we've had sex but last night he flipped a bit. He told me I was talking too much, he had his head saying, "no you're not" to everything I was saying and he was a bit harsh. He was definitely not tactful!
...

I suspect that his feelings about it have been building up over time, and when he got around to expressing them it came out a bit too strongly. It often happens like that with inhibited or non-confrontational people.

I suggest that you both need to adjust a bit.

LegacyUser

Anahita wrote: »

If the compliments are sincere, you shouldn't feel you have have to hold back.

In case these compliments are during the sexy business, it might be distracting to him? Puts him off his game? But more probably, he's not that comfortable taking a compliment which is ok and easy to understand. Does he give them?

I wouldn't be able to string a sentence together during sex! Maybe that's why he's so horny.... Only joking. There's no complimentring during sex. Part of the problem was that he was talking about ex sex after sex so I think I've started babbling lovingly to prevent that. I pointed out last night that if he spent an equal amount of time talking about us as he does exes/girls he saw (I don't mind that as I like girls too but he was going overboard) then I would make more effort to not babble. To be honest, being angry is too exhausting!

I've stopped giving compliments and feel a little frustrated when he says nice things to me now but it's been a day so we'll see how it goes.

Geomy wrote: »

It's him that has the problem not you.
Don't ever change your personality for any gob****e....
Babble away, if he is any good he would be a good listener

His behaviour has all the hallmarks of a control freak. ..

Believe me he'll only get worse. ...

I love a chatty woman :-)

The first part I agree with to some extent but I don't think he's a control freak. He's pretty erelaxed and easygoing. And if he does get controlling, I'm not sticking around.

I'm sure I could cure ANYONE of their love of chattiness!

LegacyUser

sup_dude wrote: »

Personally, I'd probably be more like your boyfriend. Although I've never been in a proper relationship (so it could be different), I have been with men who compliment too much and it irritates me. I guess its stems from the past where I had low self confidence and the few compliments I did receive felt like lies.
Now, I don't mind the odd compliment but too much brings up the same kind of emotion. Outwardly, I'd say thanks but I'd be thinking "please, I've got it, just shut up". Yes, they are my own issues but it's very off putting. For me, flooding me with compliments would just make things worse and wouldn't help me overcome these issues in the slightest.
Maybe it's similar for your boyfriend? Either way, it doesn't seem like you're on the same page. Normally I would say to not change who you are but, if it is similar to me, continuing would only push him away.

That's a great point. Thank you for sharing. I would have been similar to you afew years ago but I asked myself if I'd give a false compliment and how would I feel if someone doubted how I felt about them and the words I was sharing and ended up feeling quite ****ty for practically telling pople who care that they were lying. I don't know if that makes sense written out like that?

The last thing I'd want is to push him away with compliments (worse break up story ever!) so, as I said in the last post, I'm going to cut back on the gooey words.

elleelle19 wrote: »

If I understand this correctly sounds like he is reacting badly because he doesn't believe what you are saying, deep down. Sounds like he might have self esteem issue and can't accept that the compliments you are giving him are true.

Personally I don't like someone giving me excessively compliments, not because I don't believe they are true ;-), but it comes of as a bit needy and clingy. I just end up thinking "Yeah I get it, you think I'm great, Fine, now stop telling me all the time". I prefer if someone is confident enough in the relationship that they can let all that stuff go unsaid, or only said occasionally. Action speak louder than words and all that.

I cringed when I read "needy and clingy". I hate the idea of being that so that was some good words to slap me upside the head with. Anytime I want to get gooey vocally, I'm going to repeat "clingy and needy" 'till the impulse goes away.

Chara1001 wrote: »

I don't know if this helps op, but I have a relative who doesn't stop talking. Ever. She lives abroad so i don't have to deal with it all the time, nor do any other family members.
Its become a bit of a joke as whoever spends time with her when she's over ends up exhausted after a couple of hours.
And its not like it makes much sense, i mean what she says isn't necessarily related to what the topic was just a few secs ago, and she won't let you drift off either, she keeps tapping your leg to make sure you're following her.
Also she keeps complimenting you, i can't take it seriously and i hate that she does it as i find her constant telling you how great you are hollow and grating. I really don't like it , so when she starts to do it now, i find myself telling her to stop or arguing with her.

Op i don't know if your boyfriend feels with you like i do with my aunt, but tbh, i find it excruciating. Maybe try to have a heart to heart with you OH and LISTEN to his concerns. There's no need to keep complimenting him, too much of it can cheapen what you say.

I REALLY hate the idea of becoming your aunt! I also cringed when I read your post. This thread may have been an intervention for me!

Thanks all for fabulous advice. I know it was a small issue but I have no gauge between compromise and changing to keep the peace. Does anyone know how to get better at gauging these things?

Chara1001

Op, you seem absolutely lovely, i don't think there's any fear of you turning into my aunt (who is lovely and has a hear of gold for all her chatting!)
I guess you'd get better at gauging with trial and error?
Best of luck:)

December2012

Just generally, stop and think before you say something.

It sounds like you're trying to control the conversations.

LegacyUser

Very good point by Dec 2012: it really does seem as though you are trying to control the conversations. I know you probably think that you're doing it in a 'nice' way, but it's not. It's very passive aggressive and smothering from my stand point.

If you two are to stay together, you have to stop over-compensating with 'niceness'. You have to trust this guy to just let him be his own person. For your own sake, don't babble meaningless 'compliments', because they are not genuine compliments if you are just using them to fill a lull in the conversation/using them to hold on to him. Your actions will cause him to doubt your honesty/sincerity, and will damage your relationship. I mean this in a good way, but you really need to start thinking before you speak.

ivytwine

When I read this thread I kept thinking of my friend; a guy was absolutely in love with her and wrote her a song (!!!) and she was absolutely mortified when he played it for her, she had no idea where to look even!

I think maybe you can take for granted that your boyfriend knows you love him; you just don't need to tell him everyday. Three very potent words that all the more potent for being used rarely. Think of that before you feel the urge to tell him that or tell him anything else overly-complimentary.

You seem like a really nice and fun person, I'm sure this only a wee hitch on the road and he's just as mad about you as you are about him!

Niamho!

Is the more pressing issue here not the fact that he talks about sex with his exes after sex with you!?