Small wedding, risk of offending with invites

Nicman

Heh there lads,

So we're trying to plan our wedding (with difficulty!) and we know we want it to be small. We've battled with this main issue and that's why we're stumbling at the first block: to have just immediate family and partners OR invite very close friends as well to keep numbers under 40ish.
We've talked it to death and done the pros/cons list. By inviting just family we're afraid it'll be a little quiet or subdued or die a death after the meal as there'll only be about 20 people. Also we're afraid we may have regrets not having close friends at our special day. On the other hand by inviting close friends that makes for about 9-10 couples between us so inevitably we're leaving some people out who maybe aren't AS close but who may be very offended we didn't consider them close enough.....it's a tough one so anyone who's had this experience and come out the othe rside of it would be great to hear what you think.

Thanks

skippy15

A friend had a similar issue, so settled on going abroad and those who really want to go/ mean something make the effort,
Can always have a smaller buffet type party when get back-
Option of close family for meal and friends for afters, but dont think its worth it with those numbers

BohToffee

My tuppence worth, we got married in June and as we are a) broke and b) my now wife has a medical condition that prevented "the big day" and lastly neither of us really wanted the fuss...
We had the small church wedding and a meal afterwards for 18. We all stayed the night in the hotel and had a big party the following night with finger food for the guests...
I'd do it again tomorrow! We both had a great 2 days!!

The two days also covers everyone off, also have a cousins wedding coming up, sw as what we done but doing it in the 1 day, small early and party till late...
Oh the wedding party wore the gear on the second day also so the 2nd day guests got the wedding feel!

BizzyC

A small wedding can be great if you get the right venue for it.
Why not have the small wedding you want and organise a party at a later date that you can invite other friends to to celebrate?

Most people wont be offended if you explain your small numbers.
As long as their not the only person excluded amongst that group of friends, and not a weirdo, they should understand.

Layinghen

It is your wedding, your big day, just do what you want. Trust me in 20 or 30 years time you will be hard pressed to remember exactly who was at your wedding let alone who was offended by not being there. This is the start of your and your OH married life together. It is probably one of the very few times when it is all about you, so just do what you both want and don't worry about what you think others may feel. Whatever you decide many congratulations and every happiness to you both.

Ever2010

We got married a couple of weeks ago - we had about 40 guests for a civil ceremony and a meal and drinks - we stuck to parents, brothers & sisters and close friends (was about 50/50 friends/family). We then had a night in a pub that we invited everyone else to (mostly friends to be honest). so it was nice to have the two.

I don't think anyone was offended that they weren't asked (neither family are like that really). And to be honest it was our wedding day and up to us how we did it. We didn't have the money to do anything bigger but neither of us wanted that anyway.

Nicman

Thanks guys - all great ideas there and well wishes!

Sounds like you had a cracking couple of nights BohToffee. We had considered doing the same but for two reasons have been turned off the idea: 1 - We want the main first day to be the main gig and to be winding down afterwards. Don't want to have a larger event afterwards as whether you think you will or not you ARE going to worry about how that goes off too etc (we were at a family wedding recently where they did similar and although they had a whale of a time they were definitely stressing over the 2nd day after the first day was over and she had to go through the whole hair/make up business and collect decorations etc for the place as well as minding flowers and small things like that. On top of all that they were absolutely exhausted!)
2 - We simply can't afford a 2nd day of feeding and entertaining people. We have found a venue but means that if we have a second night people will have to travel for about 2 hours and we felt that we'd need to have entertainment for them as well as food. Did you have yours near home BohToffee? We're not you see so it's a bit of a trek and then babysitters etc so we weren't sure if finger food is enough really ...or maybe it would. But definitely there'd need to be some entertainment - at the recent family wedding, it would have been dead if they didn't.

Layinghen wrote: »

It is your wedding, your big day, just do what you want. Trust me in 20 or 30 years time you will be hard pressed to remember exactly who was at your wedding let alone who was offended by not being there.

You know so many people keep saying it's your day do what you want and it doesn't change the fact that you still want people to have a good time and therefore have to consider them, but I never thought of it as you have put it - we won't remember who was/wasn't offended in 20 years time! SO TRUE! And yes, it IS about us being together forever and me marrying the man of my dreams and hopefully vice versa! Maybe if people get offended it'll be awkward for a while but they'll probably get over it eventually????!!

Nicman

Ever2010 wrote: »

We got married a couple of weeks ago - we had about 40 guests for a civil ceremony and a meal and drinks - we stuck to parents, brothers & sisters and close friends (was about 50/50 friends/family). We then had a night in a pub that we invited everyone else to (mostly friends to be honest). so it was nice to have the two.

I don't think anyone was offended that they weren't asked (neither family are like that really). And to be honest it was our wedding day and up to us how we did it. We didn't have the money to do anything bigger but neither of us wanted that anyway.

Hi there,
Sorry I didn't see this post when I posted a second ago. Thanks for that - yes I guess we haven't ever been to a small wedding or known anyone who's done it so it's great to see how it worked out for others who've been there and came out the other side. Sounds like you had no issues then. I suppose we'r ejust having difficulty with the close friends thing, hard to cut people out who maybe think they should be in that group but anyway... we'll have to figure it out!

January

Invite who you want to invite, everyone else will get over it. If anybody asks, explain your constraints. Don't feel bad for not inviting some people.

moochers

Hey OP,
Two of my close friends opted for small weddings where they only invited immediate family and their best friends. I think it averaged about 40 guests. One had an afters that night, the other the next. I went to the afters and had a great time. I wasn't at all offended by not being invited to the whole day, tbh I was quite relieved as I had a lot of weddings to go to that year and was worried about how I'd afford them all. I totally agree with the other posts, it's your day and plan it how ye want. Have a wonderful day

Nicman

January wrote: »

Invite who you want to invite, everyone else will get over it. If anybody asks, explain your constraints. Don't feel bad for not inviting some people.

Yes you're right! As a previous poster put it, we won't remember exactly who was there in 10-20 or more years time, and by then they'll be well over it! It's only about us being married to each other and that's priority I just hate conflict or awkwardness so I'm hoping it'll go down well.

Thanks for that Moochers - I hope the rest of our friends are as sound and understanding as you I was thinking same - anyone who's not in our really close circle will probably just be glad to not get an invite due to expense. A larger wedding would solve everything but we can't afford it and also are the sort of people who don't like too much focus on us or fuss.

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling much better about it now and we talked about it since and decided to have the few friends there as well to share in something special with us... everything else is just ...not important really!

summerbabe

do what you want to do or you will regret it. we got married two years ago and had immediate family, 15 in total we had a gorgeous church cermony and everyone was so relaxed and happy none of the nerves etc then we had a private dining room book in a lovely 5 star hotel in dublin fab food and service and then went back to inlaws house that night for a party. it was the best day ever and wouldn't change it, a week later we had a bbq for all our friends. we don't regret not inviting friends as we know with friends from two of us and their partners it would have become a bigish wedding and someone always offended.

Nicman

summerbabe wrote: »

do what you want to do or you will regret it. we got married two years ago and had immediate family, 15 in total we had a gorgeous church cermony and everyone was so relaxed and happy none of the nerves etc then we had a private dining room book in a lovely 5 star hotel in dublin fab food and service and then went back to inlaws house that night for a party. it was the best day ever and wouldn't change it, a week later we had a bbq for all our friends. we don't regret not inviting friends as we know with friends from two of us and their partners it would have become a bigish wedding and someone always offended.

God I know, that's what we talked about doing originally, except we don't have the option of a party or whatever, would need some sort of entertainment and thats where we felt it could sort of die a little. Also we were going to do the party for our friends the day after and felt it too much after the main thing. We considered doing it after our hmoon a weekish later like you guys but then the fear of regretting not having them to the main day was too much. I see what you're saying though and agree with the regret aspect totally. Sound like you had a fab time. I had looked at restaurants in Dublin and so many suited what we were after for just family but down my side of the country there's not that kind of choice.

So congrats by the way! Hope you're enjoying married life since

moochers

Hi Nicman,
Don't be stressing about having to throw an afters for your friends. Leave it till well after the honeymoon. I wouldn't worry about restaurants or booking a venue either, not only are ye putting hassle on yourselves it's expensive too.
The best parties I have been to are informal, where you can book a room in a pub for free and either pay minimum for food or get it free. Most people love the informal aspect of drinking, eating and mingling as opposed to sitting down for two hours.
For now, just concentrate on what wedding ye both want, and let those who wont be going to main event know that ye will have a get together sometime in the future.
Ye sound like a lovely couple who have their priorities right, ye want to enjoy the day together as a couple, and have a fun relaxing day. If I was to get married someday, I'd do it exactly the way ye are. Stick to your guns

Nicman

thanks Moochers

livinsane

I'd say most people would understand not being invited if it was a very small wedding. You can confidently say, if asked, that it is immediate family and close friends. I would think you'd actually run more of a risk of "offending" people if you had a big wedding because it would be harder to draw the line at when to stop inviting.

You've said it yourself and I agree that you shouldn't even entertain the idea of a second day or afters. It would negate the whole point of having a small wedding. The wedding day will never be as important to anyone as it is to the bride and groom and an afters is just another excuse for a piss up for people and not something you should have to waste your money or energy on.

Best of luck!