Advice about friend situation

LegacyUser

This is about one of my close mates who I hang out with most weekends. A while ago, he started taking pills after one of our other friends introduced him to them.

Now I was kinda taken aback by this at first. My mate's never done drugs in his whole life and seemingly has never had any inclination to do so, apart from trying hash a couple of times years ago. I tried not to think much about it though. It's his own life, he can do what he wants.

My mate picked up on the vibe that I was pretty surprised he was taking pills and he kind of took it the wrong way and he assumed I was judging him for doing it. In all honesty, maybe I was. Everything about drugs scares me but maybe that's lack of knowledge on my part. We cleared it up though.

This has become a regular thing though, he and another mate will do pills practically every weekend and then usually head on to a rave afterwards. Sometimes, I'll go with them to a rave and other times, I won't - depends on my how drunk I am.

Recently, my mate told me he has tried ketamine and also coke on two separate occassions. Even though he said he didn't like either, I can't help but be concerned.

So, I guess my main issue is that I feel like whenever I see my mate or whenever we go out now, we're on completely different wavelengths. He'll do pills and get high and go to a rave and I'll get drunk and go home, more often than not. It feels like we're having two different nights and to be honest, like we're drifting apart.

It may sound melodramatic to say I feel like I don't know him anymore but it is starting to get like that. We only really see each other when we go out clubbing and then after a while, he's just on a different level. And yes, I do worry about his health and if he could get addicted to something, especially if he continues experimenting with other drugs. But at the same time, I'm not his mother and he has to live his own life. Where's the line between concerned friend and judgemental prick?

I guess I'm wondering if you think I should say something to him and explain my fears and how I feel about what's going on? Or, should I just let him be and do his own thing and just watch out for him?

LegacyUser

Your friend is experimenting ,it doesn't necessarily mean that he will become a drug addict or get himself into danger.

If it is really bothering you then it wont do any harm to let him know that you are worried but please dont talk to him in a condescending way as it might ruin your friendship.

Can i ask your age? Imo alot of friendships change after we leave school as we make new friends and find new interests, it just means that you have to make more of an effort .

By the sounds of it you were both great friends before all this so why dont you meet up away from the drugs/drink and do something both of you enjoy?

You say you have a lack of knowledge about drugs,I would recommend that you look up the harmfulness of drugs chart.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

This is a really tough situation for you to be in, I do feel for you.

I have experienced something like this in my own life and the friendship, sadly, is good as dead. There's a number of other factors, it wasn't just drugs and drink, but it was a massive factor in making me take a step back.

My friend was always a heavy drinker and it wasn't until our last year of college that he began taking pills. I am the exact same as you. Drugs scare me. I have smoked hash a few times but anything more than that is off limits. I don't like a lack of control; I find alcohol convivial and social (I know it isn't true but it's how I feel) and it's a legal and freely available method of social lubrication; I am such a bad-luck Brian I'd probably be the person who collapses and dies after one pill. I am totally comfortable with that and I am happy with not ever experiencing drugs. I don't judge those that do. It's for some and not for others, and I know that most people don't become addicts.

So, the pills. House parties that would collapse into drunken sleep at four am now went on until eight in the morning; while nothing happened I always felt an air of danger and discomfort when he and his friends were on pills. I would think about someone collapsing and would anyone be in a fit state to call an ambulance. I am a worrier, what can I say. Stuck on boring old booze, I'd slink off to some corner and try and get some sleep. With the end of college I only ever attended a handful of these parties. I moved away to continue my studies. He stayed on at our old college.

He came to visit me and I was shocked at his alcohol intake; we're talking whole bottles of vodka, drinking first thing in the morning, etc. Anyway, my housemates (one of whom he'd never met before) challenged him on this and he got really defensive. I don't think they meant to stage some kind of intervention; they were just genuinely shocked and spoke without thinking.

I'd tried speaking to him about his drinking when we were closer; every time I tried he either got defensive or turned it into a joke. I never even tried with the pills (or whatever else he is taking). I had come to the conclusion that the only reason we had stayed friends was out of misplaced sense of nostalgia and loyalty. We were both very different people to who we had been when we first became friends. So I just didn't contact him, and it was as if he didn't notice. That was almost exactly a year ago.

Recently I went to a festival with my friends and he went with his; I met up with some of them but didn't see him. He spent the entire weekend passed out in his tent; missed all the gigs; said he was sorry he missed me in a Facebook comment. I have no idea what he's taking or drinking; only I know it's a lot. It is worrying. I am expecting a text or a call to say he's done something stupid.

It wasn't only this that led me to cool the friendship, but it was a massive part. It's just another facet to how different we have become. I am calming down; get drunk once a month if that, would rather a cup of tea and night of Netflix than a nightclub; yet he is the opposite.

Now I'm not saying this will happen with you and your friend but you might have to come to terms with the possibility. I do feel guilty that I didn't try harder but it got the point where I couldn't take anymore. I am not sure whether you should say anything. As you say he got angry at you for expressing concerns before I'm not sure it will do any good. You could try and only meet up while ye're both sober; I tried that with my friend but it actually was more hurtful seeing the 'old' him and seeing him disappear when he was off his face.

Don't feel tempted to join him, whatever happens. It's ok to be wary of drugs.

I hope the situation is salvageable. I wish you the best and I hope this is somewhat helpful xx

judgefudge

Hmm. Not too sure how to advise here. I've been in your position in the past, friends and even boyfriends who were doing everything under the sun (coke, pills, acid, ketamine etc.) but to be honest I was fine with it. The vast majority of my mates do drugs on a somewhat regularly basis (I'm 25) and I've also taken pills and coke in the past. But before I tried anything I was around people doing it.

Realistically it sounds like your mate is experimenting. It's really very common and while there are of course concerns about health, getting bad pills, etc. he is the one who is taking them risks not you. He's an adult and I'm sure he's aware of the risks.

As for drifting apart... It does sound like that's happening, but most people start to drift from their friends for any number of reasons. Is it possible you could meet up for a pint or two on a weekday and just have a catchup now and then?

It's pretty apparent that you're not very comfortable around drugs, and I wouldn't dream of judging you for that. They're really not for everyone. But maybe you need to stop judging your friend and just let him make his choices. I can understand not wanting to hang out with a bunch of high people when you're drunk because it can be difficult to get any kind of decent conversation out of them.

cypressg

friend_drugs wrote: »

This is about one of my close mates who I hang out with most weekends. A while ago, he started taking pills after one of our other friends introduced him to them.

Now I was kinda taken aback by this at first. My mate's never done drugs in his whole life and seemingly has never had any inclination to do so, apart from trying hash a couple of times years ago. I tried not to think much about it though. It's his own life, he can do what he wants.

My mate picked up on the vibe that I was pretty surprised he was taking pills and he kind of took it the wrong way and he assumed I was judging him for doing it. In all honesty, maybe I was. Everything about drugs scares me but maybe that's lack of knowledge on my part. We cleared it up though.

This has become a regular thing though, he and another mate will do pills practically every weekend and then usually head on to a rave afterwards. Sometimes, I'll go with them to a rave and other times, I won't - depends on my how drunk I am.

Recently, my mate told me he has tried ketamine and also coke on two separate occassions. Even though he said he didn't like either, I can't help but be concerned.

So, I guess my main issue is that I feel like whenever I see my mate or whenever we go out now, we're on completely different wavelengths. He'll do pills and get high and go to a rave and I'll get drunk and go home, more often than not. It feels like we're having two different nights and to be honest, like we're drifting apart.

It may sound melodramatic to say I feel like I don't know him anymore but it is starting to get like that. We only really see each other when we go out clubbing and then after a while, he's just on a different level. And yes, I do worry about his health and if he could get addicted to something, especially if he continues experimenting with other drugs. But at the same time, I'm not his mother and he has to live his own life. Where's the line between concerned friend and judgemental prick?

I guess I'm wondering if you think I should say something to him and explain my fears and how I feel about what's going on? Or, should I just let him be and do his own thing and just watch out for him?

They're just different drugs to the drug you take and have different effects.
Alcohol makes you social for a while and then sleepy or aggressive,pills make you very social and happy and not sleepy.

MaxWig

Hi OP,

I would tend to agree with one of the posters above, and suggest that you try to spend some time with your mate away from the club scene.

It may be that you only meet up during the only few hours of the week when he uses drugs, which is unfortunate.

The vast, vast majority of people who use drugs, do so for a few years, thoroughly enjoy it, and then stop.

I have no doubt that your concerns are genuine, but I would urge you to set them aside while dealing with your friend.
As well meaning as a concern is, they can be misunderstood/misinterpreted. If your friend is like the majority of users, he will have assessed the risks, and decided that the benefits outweigh them. It is probably unlikely that his opinion will be easily changed, and any attempts to do so may alienate him.

Best of luck to you