Complicated Family Issue-Please Help

Chattybatty

I am 24 years old and up until Tuesday I was living at home. I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother who in a nutshell has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive for most of of my life. My father is a very quiet man who would rather say nothing when a row occurs, which results in tension brewing constantly.

I decided enough was enough and that I needed to leave. Not a day went by where I wasnt bawling my eyes out living there. The straw that broke the camels back was the fact that siblings were living there without having to contribute a cent (they were earning) and I was expected to pay each week. I have absolutely no problem paying my way but it was the fact that they could do what they liked without having to contribute financially while I was berated for even paying a day late. After a full year of this going on and trying day after day to speak with the parentals about this, nothing changed.

I am living with my bf for the time being. We have been going out 5 years so it was going to happen eventually but I feel tremendous guilt for 2 reasons. Firstly, it is my bf's own house and I feel I have just imposed on him. He has told me I am welcome to stay as long as I like but for some reason I feel terrible for landing this on him (i.e he may feel he has no choice because im his girlfriend). How do I get rid of this guilt?

Secondly, I have returned home since leaving, just to get some clothes etc and also to try and clear the air with my parents. My mother was extremely hostile and hurtful and was very dismissive of me. All she wanted to know was whether I was leaving permanently as she wanted my room cleared out for storage. That was a real kick in the teeth. She has given me 2weeks to sort everything out and move all my stuff out.

I don't know why, but even though my mother has been so cruel to me, I still want to be on good terms with her and be able to meet up for coffee etc. like mothers/daughters do. It fills me with great sadness that she doesnt seem to want any sort of relationship with me and is constantly making snide comments when I am trying to clear the air with her. I feel so miserable about it. On top of that, I have a real fear of failure - that moving out wont work and that I will have to come crawling back. I am reasonably self sufficient, so I dont need any money etc from anyone, but I am praying to God that this will work out. I am just so scared. How can I sort parental issues out and move forward with my life?

wallycharlo

Chattybatty wrote: »

...siblings were living there without having to contribute a cent (they were earning) and I was expected to pay each week...

This sounds very odd. What was the logic behind this?

Chattybatty

wallycharlo wrote: »

This sounds very odd. What was the logic behind this?

This is what I couldn't get my head around. One of the reasons given was that 'your brother is leaving in a couple of months to go travelling so he wants to save'. I was like well I am saving for a new car, so does that make me exempt from paying for the food/electric I am using this week or this month? No reply to that unsurprisingly! It just comes down to favouritism - the only reason I can come up with.

Yellow121

Chattybatty, I think you should live in your bf's house/get a place for a few months anyway and let the dust settle. You need time apart from your mother. Maybe after a bit of time a family event or something will come up and you will meet again. Hopefully she will be calmer at this point and ye can discuss things in an adult manner.
Space and time could be the healer. Also if you bf says you can stay, then surely he means it. You can offer to pay him for rent or food or bills and whatever. See what he says.
Good luck.

Neyite

You did the right thing moving out. But you should be aware that you may never get the type of relationship with your mother that you crave. It sounds like she has her golden child in your brother and you may never experience equality from her. There is a book called toxic parents which I understand is quite useful in coming to terms with a difficult relationship with parents, and might be worth a read.

LegacyUser

Just to second Neyite's recommendation for Toxic Parents. It's written by Susan Forward.

Like you, I have an extremely fraught relationship with my mother, which has deteriorated to the point that I no longer speak to her. In the past month, I've read the book twice and have completed some of the exercises. It's really helped me to come to terms with my issues towards her, but it can be quite a tough, emotional, process.

I can't recommend this book enough, though it does bring up a lot of pain. If you do choose to read it, make sure you have a good support structure in place. It's good that your boyfriend is being supportive. Please try not to feel guilty for 'imposing' on him - he's sounds like he understands your situation, and you've enough on your plate with your family without beating yourself up further.

You're not responsible for your mother's behaviour, and like another poster mentioned, you may never have a decent relationship with her. You can attempt to re-establish a functioning relationship with her, but if she isn't willing to work do this, this may be something you have to accept.

I really feel for you OP, it's so unpleasant having a dysfunctional family. Look after yourself, prioritise your needs and treat yourself as you would a friend going through a crisis. Take care x

liquoriceall

Hi OP I can identify where you are coming from Ive had a poor enough relationship with my mother for most of my life, I left for college @ 18 (Im now 32) & have never lived there again.....I also see extreme favouritism occuring in my family but also have a sister who is treated similiar to myself
Unfortunately it is now at the stage where we dont really speak, I have not turned out as she wished but she refuses to admit that the real issue is this because she doesnt want to admit to others how she feels about me :-( I was at a family gathering last week and she was lovely to me in front of relatives but nothing since....its tough but you have your bf hang on in there & accept that you are worth more & sometimes that means not having a lot of contact

Stavro Mueller

Chattybatty wrote: »

... have a real fear of failure - that moving out wont work and that I will have to come crawling back. I am reasonably self sufficient, so I dont need any money etc from anyone, but I am praying to God that this will work out. I am just so scared

Hi OP. I don't have anything new to add to the great advice the others have given you regarding your mum. It could well be time for you to accept that you and your mum aren't going to have the relationship you wish you could've had.

What I decided to post about is your fear of crawling back if moving out doesn't work out. There are other options out there aside from moving back home and that's something you should bear in mind. Aside from living with your boyfriend, there's the option of house sharing or getting somewhere small to live yourself. You were paying rent(?) at home and you said you're reasonably self-sufficient. That to me sounds like you could just as easily live elsewhere. Really, you should've moved out years ago if home has been making you so utterly miserable but that's another matter entirely.

Sinall

OP, you need to come to terms with the fact that she's never going to transform into the mother you would have wanted. I know exactly how you feel - growing up we were constantly criticised for every little thing and had terrible dramatic scenes when she didn't get her own way, including faking illnesses. I am 32 now and haven't lived at home since I was 18. My brother is 28 but lets it roll off him more than I was able to. My bf said to me recently, "She really doesn't like either of you. But she likes you less!"

5 years ago that would have really upset me. Now I see it as quite funny, because it's her problem and I can't change her. All I can change is my reaction to her.

Have you officially moved in with your boyfriend? Or is it a 'for the time being' arrangement? If it's not quite clear it could account for why you are feeling unsure and unsettled. Relax, try to enjoy living there and slowly start to let go of worrying about whats going on at home.

Some people are determined to be unhappy. My mum, and yours, are that way. You've moved out now - well done! Don't let her continue to inflict her negativity on you.

Chattybatty

cymbaline wrote: »

Hi OP. I don't have anything new to add to the great advice the others have given you regarding your mum. It could well be time for you to accept that you and your mum aren't going to have the relationship you wish you could've had.

What I decided to post about is your fear of crawling back if moving out doesn't work out. There are other options out there aside from moving back home and that's something you should bear in mind. Aside from living with your boyfriend, there's the option of house sharing or getting somewhere small to live yourself. You were paying rent(?) at home and you said you're reasonably self-sufficient. That to me sounds like you could just as easily live elsewhere. Really, you should've moved out years ago if home has been making you so utterly miserable but that's another matter entirely.

I suppose I should have added that at the moment I am working and have no money problems as such. However, the future in this field of work is uncertain in the current climate so that is where the fear of failure comes from. I don't want it all to go bellyup and I'll have to crawl back home with no money!

It is reassuring to hear other people's stories and know that I am not alone. Some great advice and insights that I must admit were quite disheartening to hear but the truth nonetheless. The sooner I face up to this the easier it will be to move on but it is so difficult right now.

Chattybatty

Have you officially moved in with your boyfriend? Or is it a 'for the time being' arrangement? If it's not quite clear it could account for why you are feeling unsure and unsettled. Relax, try to enjoy living there and slowly start to let go of worrying about whats going on at home.[\quote]

You are exactly right - the arrangement is sort of up in the air at the moment. He hasn't said anything re how long I have to stay so It seems I can stay put for the forseeable. He has been ao wonderful and supportive and iI don't know what I would have done without him. He has also offered to come with me when I am getting more stuff, just for moral support. Already I am feeling so much happier in myself and as the days go by I am starting to relax more.

Selfheal

Hi OP.

Well done for having the courage and motivation to move out. If I were you, I would take a couple of weeks to rest, recuperate, enjoy living with your boyfriend and get your emotional energy back after this upheaval. However, I would advise you to try and look for your own place or a houseshare pretty soon. This will give you a sense of standing on your own two feet, and gaining your independence etc which in my view is a fairly necessary step to go through when you first leave home. Then, down the line, and if and when it feels right for you both, and when you are in an emotionally less charged state of mind, you and your boyfriend can decide when to start living together longer-term. I do believe this will be healthier for you in the long run i.e you won't be tumbling from one dependent situation into another. And it will also mean that you are less likely to have to go crawling back home at some stage.

Hope that's helpful and well done again, take it one step at a time...

Chattybatty

Selfheal wrote: »

Hi OP.

Well done for having the courage and motivation to move out. If I were you, I would take a couple of weeks to rest, recuperate, enjoy living with your boyfriend and get your emotional energy back after this upheaval. However, I would advise you to try and look for your own place or a houseshare pretty soon. This will give you a sense of standing on your own two feet, and gaining your independence etc which in my view is a fairly necessary step to go through when you first leave home. Then, down the line, and if and when it feels right for you both, and when you are in an emotionally less charged state of mind, you and your boyfriend can decide when to start living together longer-term. I do believe this will be healthier for you in the long run i.e you won't be tumbling from one dependent situation into another. And it will also mean that you are less likely to have to go crawling back home at some stage.

Hope that's helpful and well done again, take it one step at a time...

Thanks for your reply. Very helpful advice. I definately will take your suggestions on board. For the time being, I just need to get my head together so I will be better equipped to plan what to do next. Onwards and upwards I hope!