Moving in with boyfriend

inta

Im 27 years ols and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. we were abroad together a few years back for work and lived together for a yr and it was great, I have since moved home and back in with the parents.
My parents are traditional in a sense and were ok with us going abroad to live together I think mainly because it was for work and they didnt want me to go alone.
Now we want to move in together back here in Dublin with another couple we both know very well.
Should I be afraid to tell the parents or should i GO FOR IT EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT HAPPY?
they believe in marraige before moving in together but its not as if I ll be moving in with him only! its for a 6mth lease initially to see how we all get on.
Any advice please??
I want to to this with my parents blessing but I think I should go for it either way. I am too old to be living at home and the time seems right to move in with him back on home turf.
We have the house already and everyone is happy to go for it pending my decision.
it wrks out quite cheap for us in the house so I can still save etc.
I did want to hold off and save for a mortgage but these days you need to show rent in a previous palce etc so it seems right to me.

LadyMayBelle

Go for it. I was in a very similar situation and my parents were very much 'marriage before moving in', which in bonkers in my opinon, but due to that ingrained in me and a fear of disappointing them, I delayed moving in with my partner and god do I regret it so much. Yo'ure 27, go for it.

Wibbs

Better place for your post Inta(moved from tLL)

inta

yes it is strange that most of us have the catholic fear that are parents have instilled in us.
I have a big family and it makes sense for me to get out they have enough to worry about with my other siblings, I guess I dont need their permission but want to approach it right, knowing me I ll say it in a way that is like a question and they will answer in a non positive way. perhaps if I just announce that I am going, their response may be differant

heretochat

My own opinion on this is simple really. Not based on experience but my own gut instinct.

I think it is always advisable to live with someone befre taking the step of getting married. Otherwise how does one know whether he/she is truly compatible with the person who is to become the "life partner". There may be personality traits, charactieristics than be hidden and only come to the fore through experiencing the person at their worst (first thing in the morning for me)...

Also on a practical level, there is the experience of sharing the load in paying bills, the weekly shop etc. This can be divisive in some instances..

It is a characteristic of quaint old Catholic Ireland that parents attempt to impose their values on the next generation.. But you would not be the first to buck that trend and I am sure if they see that you are happy and being treated well by your partner that they will accept the reality as presented to them..

Good luck with it

ibarelycare

inta wrote: »

yes it is strange that most of us have the catholic fear that are parents have instilled in us.
I have a big family and it makes sense for me to get out they have enough to worry about with my other siblings, I guess I dont need their permission but want to approach it right, knowing me I ll say it in a way that is like a question and they will answer in a non positive way. perhaps if I just announce that I am going, their response may be differant

Why would you ask them can you move out? You're 27 years old You should definitely phrase it as a statement, and in a positive land lighthearted way. Sit them down, smile and say "I have some good news. <boyfriend's name and friends' names> and I have found a lovely place to live together so I'm going to be moving out. I'm sad to be leaving home but it's long overdue at this stage, so I'm really looking forward to it!"

You need to be assertive about it. You're a grown up and, while your parents are of course entitled to have an opinion on what you do with your life, you need to make your own decisions.

sbsquarepants

It doesn't matter how long you've been going out, you don't really know someone untill you've lived with them for a good while. It's a cliche, but it's abolutely true. Anyone who would marry without first having lived with the person is actually insane in my opinion. Well maybe insane is too strong, but very very misguided!!

inta

I know Im such a looser. I mean I really need to not care on their opinion, but I do care. It would be nice if they just accepted it and I hope they do, I would nearly prefer to tell them over the phone.this is probably not advised though.
Although my boyfriend has discussed marriage in the future and the fact that we have lived together in the past abroad I would still prefer to live with him before marraige in case I find over time that indeed we are wrong for eachother. Then your stuck with a mortgage and possibly kids

inta

do you mind me asking what age you were when you were in my situation and how your parents reacted?

ibarelycare

inta wrote: »

I know Im such a looser. I mean I really need to not care on their opinion, but I do care. It would be nice if they just accepted it and I hope they do, I would nearly prefer to tell them over the phone.this is probably not advised though.
Although my boyfriend has discussed marriage in the future and the fact that we have lived together in the past abroad I would still prefer to live with him before marraige in case I find over time that indeed we are wrong for eachother. Then your stuck with a mortgage and possibly kids

You're not a loser It is lovely that you care so much about your parents' approval, but it's also very important that they see you as an adult. Talk to them in person. Don't be apologetic about it, or let them know that you're seeking approval. It's not disrespectful at 27 to inform your parents that you're moving into a house with your boyfriend.

heretochat

inta wrote: »

I know Im such a looser. I mean I really need to not care on their opinion, but I do care. It would be nice if they just accepted it and I hope they do, I would nearly prefer to tell them over the phone.this is probably not advised though.
Although my boyfriend has discussed marriage in the future and the fact that we have lived together in the past abroad I would still prefer to live with him before marraige in case I find over time that indeed we are wrong for eachother. Then your stuck with a mortgage and possibly kids

Not a loser at all in my opinion and I think the attitude you are taking to living together before entertaining marriage, mortgage, kids etc. is very sensible.

All you need to do is speak respectfully (but firmly) to your parents displaying this same sense and they will be ok with it I reckon

pipster

I’m 28 and moved in with my boyfriend 2 years after 2 years together. Some of my friends moved in sooner and later so that depends on the people.

I understand that you want your parent’s approval. My sister bought a house with her boyfriend after 6 years and my mother used to blame that for them not getting married. They since got married and have a baby so that rationale is not really true.

My parents weren't too bad when I moved, I think they were more disappointed that the house would be quieter and things but just be aware that you might get some comments from them after you have moved. If I might mention a little tiff to my mum, she always asks me if I should have moved in with him so soon but I laugh about it as its better to have tiffs and learn before you get married or commit further.

Don’t worry, I think they just need to adjust. Moving in with another couple is good as it eases into living together. I live with 2 others as well and its good.

inta

I guess I should try and prepare in case their response is negative. I mean I know they wont stop me but I want them to be happy for me.
If they are not- do I go for it anyway and hope it will pass in time? thanks for all opinions, it really is helping me gain confidence in approaching this

inta

pipster wrote: »

I’m 28 and moved in with my boyfriend 2 years after 2 years together. Some of my friends moved in sooner and later so that depends on the people.

I understand that you want your parent’s approval. My sister bought a house with her boyfriend after 6 years and my mother used to blame that for them not getting married. They since got married and have a baby so that rationale is not really true.

My parents weren't too bad when I moved, I think they were more disappointed that the house would be quieter and things but just be aware that you might get some comments from them after you have moved. If I might mention a little tiff to my mum, she always asks me if I should have moved in with him so soon but I laugh about it as its better to have tiffs and learn before you get married or commit further.

Don’t worry, I think they just need to adjust. Moving in with another couple is good as it eases into living together. I live with 2 others as well and its good.

Yes I guess you are right. I mean my mother is very opinionated I can already tell she will say something to upset me or feel guilty. but in a way i think its best because there are four kids at home including me,all in early 20's and the house is crazy.if I move out it gives everyone more space. I think I feel guilty too because I do a lot to help out as both my parents have busy jobs so I help with cooking and cleaning (another reason why i need to break free) I feel they rely on me too much and I will be stuck there forever. Dont get me wrong, I adore my family but I need to look after myself before I am old and still living at home

heretochat

inta wrote: »

I guess I should try and prepare in case their response is negative. I mean I know they wont stop me but I want them to be happy for me.
If they are not- do I go for it anyway and hope it will pass in time? thanks for all opinions, it really is helping me gain confidence in approaching this

I think you are getting yourself overly anxious and that won't help you when you do talk to them. And you should go with what makes you happy. You are 27 and not a child as one of the other posters said. I would think any parent would relent when they see this is what their child wants.

inta

heretochat wrote: »

I think you are getting yourself overly anxious and that won't help you when you do talk to them. And you should go with what makes you happy. You are 27 and not a child as one of the other posters said. I would think any parent would relent when they see this is what their child wants.

I agree, I do suffer from mild anxity:eek: so perhaps I am making this a bigger deal than it is. i wish i could just get it over with ha ha.
I guess its because my older sister did it right and Im the next down from her, if I do it "wrong" as such will it cause uproar and set a bad exampe to my other siblings. I mean when I went abroa that time and said my bf was coming, they were happy and just said remeber your morals etc so maybe it broke the ice. it probably would have been better if I ddnt move back home when I returned from abroad

homerjay2005

sbsquarepants wrote: »

It doesn't matter how long you've been going out, you don't really know someone untill you've lived with them for a good while. It's a cliche, but it's abolutely true.

exactly. old fashioned people believe the catholic church in essence doesnt permit living together and all this but then are baffled when 1000's of marriages break up each year.

OP just do it, your parents will get over it.

heretochat

inta wrote: »

I agree, I do suffer from mild anxity:eek: so perhaps I am making this a bigger deal than it is. i wish i could just get it over with ha ha.
I guess its because my older sister did it right and Im the next down from her, if I do it "wrong" as such will it cause uproar and set a bad exampe to my other siblings. I mean when I went abroa that time and said my bf was coming, they were happy and just said remeber your morals etc so maybe it broke the ice. it probably would have been better if I ddnt move back home when I returned from abroad

I would suggest that the only person who knows what is "right" or "wrong" for you is yourself. And you need to make that clear and then accept the outcome (which I hope will be blissful happiness for you both).

So I hope it all goes well and stop driving yourself demented with worry. Attitutudes to co-habitation are changing all the time and it may well not be a big deal for them at all..

LadyMayBelle

I remember my boy sugested we look for a place togetherr when we were about 26; at the time I was going between home and living with some friends (girls!) and the thoughts of it scared me so much; I desperatly wanted to live with him but knew my folks would freak; I understand it's a lot easier to say to someone 'just move! Youre 27, go!" but it's hard in that situation!! Being the eldest too.. you will be fine. I eventually moved to London aged 28 with him and it was easier, as we we moving away

inta

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

I remember my boy sugested we look for a place togetherr when we were about 26; at the time I was going between home and living with some friends (girls!) and the thoughts of it scared me so much; I desperatly wanted to live with him but knew my folks would freak; I understand it's a lot easier to say to someone 'just move! Youre 27, go!" but it's hard in that situation!! Being the eldest too.. you will be fine. I eventually moved to London aged 28 with him and it was easier, as we we moving away

I think it may be easier becuase I have lived wit him before and they know that but it was only because we were moving abroad. I think it would be really strange if they arent happy for me because they didnt say much about it when I went abroad. Did you parents frea at 28 when you left? how did you approach it ?

sbsquarepants

inta wrote: »

If they are not- do I go for it anyway and hope it will pass in time? thanks for all opinions, it really is helping me gain confidence in approaching this

Absolutely. You're not doing anything wrong, live your life for yourself.

inta wrote: »

" as such will it cause uproar and set a bad exampe to my other siblings. I mean when I went abroa that time and said my bf was coming, they were happy and just said remeber your morals etc so maybe it broke the ice.

Sounds like your parents are very old fashioned, (i assume they think you're a virgin!) nothing you can do about that, but that's their choice - it doesn't have to be yours. You're not setting out to upset them, so your conscience is clear.

Honey-ec

inta wrote: »

yes it is strange that most of us have the catholic fear that are parents have instilled in us.

Not everyone suffers from this, you know. Not even "most" people.

inta wrote: »

If they are not [happy for me]- do I go for it anyway and hope it will pass in time?

Of course you do. At the end of the day, it's your life so it's your happiness - not theirs - that should be the deciding factor for you.

inta wrote: »

I think it may be easier becuase I have lived wit him before and they know that but it was only because we were moving abroad.

Why should it make any difference now that you want to live with him at home? Should your "morals" (or, more correctly, what they think your morals should be) be any different at home than they were abroad?

You sound very, very under your parents thumb, OP. I can somewhat understand this at 18 or 19, but at 27, having lived abroad? It's time to tell them to butt out, quite frankly.

LadyMayBelle

inta wrote: »

I think it may be easier becuase I have lived wit him before and they know that but it was only because we were moving abroad. I think it would be really strange if they arent happy for me because they didnt say much about it when I went abroad. Did you parents frea at 28 when you left? how did you approach it ?

To be honest, It was hard. I just didnt dwell on it and was very matter of fact. It used to bother me that for the first year until they visited that my Mum would tell my 11 year old sister and my partner and I had different rooms in our flat; I was 29 by then!! But theyve since come round as my two younger siblings moved in with their partners shortly after; to be honest, I had to realise it was something they had to deal with and get over, as I was as happy as a pig in muck. Just do it, please, you'll be so happy you did something for you and your partner; there comes a stage in life where you learn you have to start living for you and your partner, not your parents.

inta

Honey-ec wrote: »

Not everyone suffers from this, you know. Not even "most" people.



Of course you do. At the end of the day, it's your life so it's your happiness - not theirs - that should be the deciding factor for you.



Why should it make any difference now that you want to live with him at home? Should your "morals" (or, more correctly, what they think your morals should be) be any different at home than they were abroad?

You sound very, very under your parents thumb, OP. I can somewhat understand this at 18 or 19, but at 27, having lived abroad? It's time to tell them to butt out, quite frankly.

reading back on some of te things I have written I do seem like I am under my parents thumb. I wil ltry get the courage to tell them today,its funny really because I go away for weekends with him all the time and holidays and nothing is said.
I do believe its my mother and how she tells people to save her own morals if thats the right word.
If they give me grief it wont change my mind and stop me but I guess I dont want to fall out with them.
I seem to frett on peoples opinions and I shouldnt thanks for your comment

inta

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

To be honest, It was hard. I just didnt dwell on it and was very matter of fact. It used to bother me that for the first year until they visited that my Mum would tell my 11 year old sister and my partner and I had different rooms in our flat; I was 29 by then!! But theyve since come round as my two younger siblings moved in with their partners shortly after; to be honest, I had to realise it was something they had to deal with and get over, as I was as happy as a pig in muck. Just do it, please, you'll be so happy you did something for you and your partner; there comes a stage in life where you learn you have to start living for you and your partner, not your parents.

This helps a whole lot thank you I will bring it up tonight and I do hope they will be happy for me. I hate confrontation as you prob have imagined:o

LadyMayBelle

inta wrote: »

This helps a whole lot thank you I will bring it up tonight and I do hope they will be happy for me. I hate confrontation as you prob have imagined:o

I have to admit I could have written your post a few years back and felt guilty and bad and childish but it wasnt as easy as some people had.You'll be fine and you and your partner can distract yourself from it by shopping for some nice new furniture. Good luck. Be your own person.

inta

so i told the parents about my plans..went too smoothly i was kind of shocked but happy, all was well until I met my brother later that day and he told me the parents rang him to discuss my news and they basically stated there un happiness to him etc etc about everythin I had originally thought they would have said to me. I find it bizarre, nothing mentioned to me whatsoever but everything said to my brother, the worst thing is they said dont speak to me about it at all. of course he told me but now where do I go??
I am still going to move out etc but do I bring this new found info up? madness!!

MissFlitworth

inta wrote: »

I am still going to move out etc but do I bring this new found info up? madness!!

Nah, you know they're "traditional", you knew they wouldn't be happy about you moving in with your boyfriend, for whatever reason they decided not to make a big deal of it with you even though they weren't happy. It's probably the best reaction you could have expected. Move in with your boyfriend & just accept the reaction they showed you, no need to go courting drama.

inta

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Nah, you know they're "traditional", you knew they wouldn't be happy about you moving in with your boyfriend, for whatever reason they decided not to make a big deal of it with you even though they weren't happy. It's probably the best reaction you could have expected. Move in with your boyfriend & just accept the reaction they showed you, no need to go courting drama.

True ha I guess it shows they care. just wish they mentioned it to me, I felt like they were speaking behind my back but perhaps I am being sensitive.
the only thinh they said to me was, just think about it for a few days so I presume I still need to confirm what I already stated. perhaps then it will all come out.
Should be interesting

heretochat

Time to stop over analysing I think. You want to move in with him, you told them your plans, they gave their blessing.. now move on with your plans and stop living your life through their values.. I would certainly not challenge them on what they may or may not have said to your brother.

Neyite

inta wrote: »

so i told the parents about my plans..went too smoothly i was kind of shocked but happy, all was well until I met my brother later that day and he told me the parents rang him to discuss my news and they basically stated there un happiness to him etc etc about everythin I had originally thought they would have said to me. I find it bizarre, nothing mentioned to me whatsoever but everything said to my brother, the worst thing is they said dont speak to me about it at all. of course he told me but now where do I go??
I am still going to move out etc but do I bring this new found info up? madness!!

Do nothing. If they were that put out, they would have said it to you directly. This indicates that they are not too chuffed, but that they understand that you are an adult and make your own decisions, even if they are ones that they personally might disagree with.

In a way, they are being considerate - they know that if you had this information directly from them, you might try to please them over yourself. So they deliberately hid how they feel from you so you'd choose your own path in life.