lack of intimacy driving me crazy

LegacyUser

Hello,
So I'm feeling very anxious these past few months mostly because I have never been any meaningful, loving relationship with a man. I am 33 y.o female
I live in an Irish city, I avoid going home to where I am from because I feel like a pleb tbh. I've sat in my friends' houses holding their kids and wonder......What the f@@k happened to me? Now I do not want kids right now cause I feel I have not lived life yet.
I'm currently going through a stint of unemployment which has given me a lot of thinking time.
I'm not sure if the deaths of my father and brother (both before the age of 5) has impacted my relationship with men so much so that I have a 50 foot wall up around me. They were never spoken about growing up-no photographs nothing-a taboo subject just like the topic of sex. I've done counselling for the last no of years which I found helpful. However, recently I have started anti-depressants as I could not stop crying and was contemplating suicide.
I can interact with guys no problem, it's just sexually- It's a no-go area and guys pick that up straight away, no doubt. I have put myself in one-night-stand situations but always backed out. I just could not do it!
My situation with guys is dis-improving so much because I think they have 15-20 years experience on me. The lack of touch and intimacy is driving me crazy, so much so I cannot use any sort of media as it triggers what I do not have and seemingly never will have. (because sex and relationships are everywhere right?) I feel I'm being left out but I refuse to be the victim at the same time.

The positives- great family and friends, I love my line of work, I exercise everyday and eat healthily and use meetups to meet people in a non alcohol setting. Pro-active as regards getting out among the people-I volunteer. I use CBT techniques when I'm in a bad way.

Questions- How do I get the wall down???
I'm doing a lot of positives things- Where from here? Is it a matter of clinging on?
Any advice?

And thank you all!

Merkin

Have you considered psychosexual therapy? Your problems sounds quite deep-rooted and perhaps very specific therapy may be the answer. Google it and you will find a list of qualified therapists in Ireland.

DoozerT6

I would echo Merkin's suggestion. And also, congratulations about being so proactive and positive in other areas of your life! But obviously this area is something you need to delve a little deeper into. Perhaps your CBT therapist could help you, or refer you to a specialist counsellor? Intimacy is something I struggle with too, having never really experienced it in a relationship setting, but hopefully someday I'll meet a nice guy and start to work through it. I think however that you may need some help/counselling to ALLOW a guy to get that close to you. Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'm 31 years old (female) and to be honest your post describes me 100%. I have no experience with men at all, I think due to long history of low self esteem,low confidence, insecurities, attachment issues, most of which I believe stem from growing up in a emotionally closed environment, and suffering bullying at school. My Dad has also been very distant all my life, I think this has also made me uncomfortable being close to the male species as it were. I'm just not comfortable around them. I envy everyone, 16 year olds even, who are out and about learning/experimenting etc. here I am at 31 and i'm clueless.

I was in therapy for 1 year, it helped me a great deal. I am becoming more confident for sure, and seem to attract more men. I guess it might still be a waiting game for me. I am worried though, at 30-something a man will, like you say, have 15-20 experience on me. That upsets me and make the whole situation a whole lot more difficult.

Are you put off even if a man merely places a hand on your body, whether it's any part of your body even fully clothed or in a bar or somewhere??? OR do you tense up once things have led on from there???

Maybe you do need some more counselling, and specify to them where exactly your issues lie, so they can focus on this area more so.
I find CBT great, maybe you could try your best to remember these techniques when you're out, and see if you can help yourself relax. Nice guys will/should be patient.

Good luck.

Yellow121

Yes, as the two above say it looks like you need specialist therapy.
Is there a guy you like who you've met a few times in your various activities? Someone that likes similar stuff to you and is nice? If so maybe ask him out, to go to the cinema or a concert or something like that. Take it really slow until you know you can trust him fully. Maybe let him know a bit more about your situation as you progress. I know it wont be easy asking a guy out and telling him really personnal stuff.
If there's not a guy like that then wait till you find one. I don't think a one night stand would work for you. I think you need complete trust in the guy and then everything will come naturally to you when the time is right. Again though I could be completely wrong and you probably need an expert.
You are obviously a very talented, loving, caring, sweet and intelligent person. You have achieved so much and this will be resolved with a little bit of help. You deserve it to be.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. Words are powerful indeed.

I kind of threw all my therapy history under one umbrella 'counselling'
Beside everything from float therapy to hypnotherapy to psychotherapy and mindfulness.
I am currently seeing a psycho-sex therapist about once a month. Though the last two sessions, I just cried for the hour which prompted him to get me on the anti-d's. It really was the last resort. The frequency of the appointments will go back to fortnightly after the summer.
He did a seriously thorough test whereby he asked everything possible about my life, family and sex.
He concluded that I'm the way I am due to a combo of factors (a string of unfavourable events)
-no sex education -no sister -no father influence -1st boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me cause I wasn't ready. (took like 4 years to recover) -disasterous 1 night stand attempts (one guy actually locked me out of his gaff at 4 a.m and plenty other stories of similar hostility)

Guest 12345- Wow I see similarities. I do not have a problem guys touching me at all. If I get intimate, I seize up which I realize and appreciate now as a defensive mechanism. Did you go to a CBT therapist?
(I'm learning from a CBT DIY book-not as bad as it sounds)

My problem is this; the initial attraction- It just doesn't happen like it used to.
My aura/wall are radiating negative vibes!
Meh!
Maybe I need to be more direct with my p-sex therapist as regard queries and solutions?

Merkin

Do you masturbate OP?

Siosleis

Life can be hard sometimes.Sometimes you need to take a good look at yourself and see what other people see.But you need to be happy in order to do that.
OP, no one in this world is ugly or horrible.YOU NEED to be happy.Be happy.Smile.Throw every day off your shoulders when you go to sleep.Tomorrow is a new day.
Everything will get better...and believe or not, you are beautiful.
Stop hating yourself X

Czarcasm

i'mback wrote: »

Maybe I need to be more direct with my p-sex therapist as regard queries and solutions?

Hi OP. Often times people in counselling don't open up to their counsellor for fear of embarrassment. The counsellor can only go on what you tell them, so the more they know, the better they're able to assist you.

How you get on too with your counsellor is important, being comfortable enough with them to get past your own "I don't want them to think I'm nuts" so to speak.

I think you just need time to get used to an idea rather than try and rush yourself, and don't cut yourself off from any influences, but regulate your exposure to them. Try not to be so hard on yourself and don't beat yourself up about it so much when you just don't feel the intimacy happening with somebody.

It's not a failure, it's only an obstacle, one that's been there a long time, so it's going to take a while to get through it. When you open up more though, you'll find it easier to cope with the thoughts of intimacy, and it won't feel like such an unnatural concept to your thought processes.

LegacyUser

Hi Merkin

Merkin wrote: »

Do you masturbate OP?

Yes, I do and very much enjoy it. I only discovered it when I was 26.
Talk about a slightly delayed reaction!
It seems like my development froze for a spell during my youth or something.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the encouraging words Siosleis

Siosleis wrote: »

no one in this world is ugly or horrible.

Though I must say I don't think I'm ugly nor horrible.

Stop hating yourself X

I definitely don't hate myself. In fact, I very much love me. I am naturally a positive person which is why I have lasted this long. But now my unfixed problems have resulted in me developing depression which I hope I can get out of asap.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

It's not a failure, it's only an obstacle, one that's been there a long time, so it's going to take a while to get through it. When you open up more though, you'll find it easier to cope with the thoughts of intimacy, and it won't feel like such an unnatural concept to your thought processes.

Thanks Czarcasm. This makes sense to me. Yeah I reckon I over think things too much. Though I seem to be unable to attract guys now even though I'm relatively confident in most situations. Anyway, work in progress......

fungun

I think you have got good advice so not sure I need to add to it, but I just wanted to say that you appear nervous about a 30-something year old man having 15-20 years of experience on you. From a male perspective, I personally would find that more of a positive than a negative and I think many men would feel the same. By the age of 30+, everyone has some sort of baggage, and when you have dealt with your issues, this bit really isnt any baggage at all. Worrying about this bit is unnecessary i think

Best of luck to you, you sound like you deserve it!

Merkin

lackofintimacy wrote: »

Hi Merkin



Yes, I do and very much enjoy it. I only discovered it when I was 26.
Talk about a slightly delayed reaction!
It seems like my development froze for a spell during my youth or something.

That's really good OP. Even if you were a late starter, getting to know your own body is crucial and fundamental to enjoying a fulfilling sex life as well so it seems you are part of the way there at least which is great isn't it?

Nikd

I'm in similar situation except male and a bit younger (28). It's very difficult when you see everyone around you having fun and enjoying themselves and you seem to be missing out. I wouldn't mind at all except everyone talks about sex constantly and I just grin and bear it. Overtime it can really wear you down, I've had a couple of opportunities but for various reasons I didn't take them. When I was younger I was bullied and thought that no one would possibly want to be with me. What I have found is going to the gym and also getting a bit spiritual has helped me. Also there is an infinite number of people in the world and I think in our heads we block out all the people of the opposite sex and and it becomes very internalized whereas in reality there are billions of potential mates. The most difficult thing is to take the first few steps and be willing to face rejection. I have been making some headway with this and I've found online dating to be good too.