Married Bachelor

Jellyhead

HI all,
My brother got married 3 years ago to a beautiful, intelligent, strong and wonderful girl. They've since had a beautiful little boy and have another on the way, the problem is he,although late 30's still seems to live a bachelor lifestlye ie he organises things without consulting her, stays out late when he pleases, he's a musician and organizes gigs without ever seeing if she might have something planned etc. and when he does go out doesn't invite her along and if he does leaves her sitting alone while he chats to everyone. As a result she is left feeling unloved, unwanted and undesireable when just 3 years ago they had a blast together.

She gave up everything to move to be with him and now he treats her like this.. Dont get me wrong he is a great guy, loving dad, wonderful brother, would do anything for anyone, but as she explained to me today she feels way down his list of priorities, he'll jump and run for anyone who needs a favour but when it comes to them he is already taking them for granted..

I do believe they are meant for eachother and have great chemistry and banter between them... if only he would grow up..they were on the same page until marriage & kids came along, she ready and willing to accept this new life, him slower out of the blocks!

How can I help them? I have been happily married for 20 years ( with hard work!) but yet am at a bit of a loss on advice.. she suggested time apart from him but is due this new baby in 4 weeks!
How do I knock my brother into shape and not let him lose his family?
She only spoke to me after I probed.. she has no sisters to talk to and is away from her family..I some how feel responsible for my brothers neglect..
How can I help without interfering?

freshpopcorn

Op, by the sounds of things your brother is the main earner in the household. He probably feels like he has to work as much as possible in order to pay the bills/mortgage/etc. He might organize things such as work/ because he might feel his wife inst working so what does she have to do?
What kind of things does he organize without her knowing?
Is it just work/family stuff/trips or is nights out for himself. The man could be under a lot of pressure trying to raise a growing family and he feels it is his job to provide for them and that means taking every job he can get.

This is my advise to OP.
Tell your sister in law that she needs to talk to her husband about these things.
Tell her to talk him about how she's feeling and she should ask him how he's feeling. Is the man under a lot of pressure trying to earn money for his family.
By any chance could she go back to work when the baby is raised so her husband could work less and they could spend more time together.
Also tell her just because their married doesn't mean she has to be consulted about every little decision the man makes. She should just say 'Can you let know if your planning on working/going out'
Could you advise her when they do go on nights out its up to her to introduce herself and talk to people. If she just sits there no wonder she feels lonely. If she got up and started talking to the people her husband was talking to I don't he'd mind. He might feel she's happy sitting down just having a drink by herself.

heretochat

Sounds to me like you are getting stuck in a rather awkward position here to be honest...

If you are seen to take either side over the other you could be the one who ends up taking the flak from all comers..

If it was me I would steer well clear of getting involved in the marriage of others but then again I am not married so can't claim to have any experience.

It just seems to me that you are in line for the worst of it if you get too involved..

Merkin

Jellyhead wrote: »

She only spoke to me after I probed.. she has no sisters to talk to and is away from her family..I some how feel responsible for my brothers neglect..
How can I help without interfering?

Any help offered, however well intentioned, would be deemed as interference. The relationship between two people is such a deeply personal thing and I would get involved at your peril. Oftentimes people get involved and they are the ones castigated for being meddling and disruptive and it could actually cause a rift between you, your brother and his wife. All you can do is advise this girl to bring it up with your brother directly. It's not your place to, regardless of how much you care or how much you think his behavior is off.

Balmed Out

Jellyhead wrote: »

although late 30's still seems to live a bachelor lifestlye ie he organises things without consulting her, stays out late when he pleases, he's a musician and organizes gigs without ever seeing if she might have something planned etc.

So he should consult her about things but if gets a work opportunity he should also consult her to check if she has arranged something presumably without having consuted him?

If he is a musician and paying for a family Id imagine he has to grab every job he can and I would imagine that its important to stay on good terms with a lot of venue owners etc.

I get the impression they need to talk more and they both need to try looking at things from the others point of view.

Beruthiel

Jellyhead wrote: »

How can I help them?

You don't, and can't.
Why is she saying all this to you instead of him?

She needs to sit him down and tell him straight how she is feeling.
After that, it is solely down to him whither he sorts himself out or not.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I would be in a similar position to you in that my sister in law is away from family and friends too and would confide in me quite a lot about different things including her relationship with my brother. They are a great couple, very happy, but have had their issues. I have always listened to what she has to say but I really just act as a sympathetic ear for her as I never really comment too much. I know its diffucult not to get involved, especially when there are children involved, but you really just need to tell her to speak to him and get on with it.
Also, you are only hearing one side of the story. As much as I love my sister in law, she does like to whinge now and again and after spending more time with my brother in recent months I have realised that while he is indeed lucky to have her, she is very lucky to have him. He is a great father and works very hard but sometimes people just get bogged down in the negatives. I would stay well out of it, say you are happy to be there for her and listen to her problems but let her speak to your brother. He will not appreciate you getting involved.

December2012

Why were you probing her?

Are you making presumptions about your "little brother"?

It seems as if you're judging him by the standards of you and your husband.

If you genuinely want to help them - babysit so they can go out together.

Tell your sister in law that she should talk to her husband, because you think it will sound preachy coming from you (it will, to him).

If its clearly obvious things aren't good between them, why did you probe her, and not him?

Jellyhead

Thank you all very much for you're advice, much appreciated and I have taken it all on board. I am happy to report that things have greatly improved with them. My SIL gave him a good shake up and he has made huge efforts of late, and thankfully I wasn't involved at all !!