Rubbish luck with men! Getting me down

cookiexx

Hi everyone,

Any advice would be appreciated!

Basically, as the title says - my luck with men is rotten.

I'm late 20s female, living overseas, and dating experience to date consists of a string of flings, drunken foolarounds, one night stands and short short relationships.

I don't want this to become a self fulfilling prophecy because I know so much of dating is mindset, but really don't know how to change at this stage.

Late last year I had a pretty confidence-shattering breakup from a short relationship with a guy who I was really falling for, who basically dumped me after treating me fairly badly and met someone new (who he is still with and mad about) within a week.

Since then I've sort of given men a wide berth because I just can't handle that sort of pain again.

A few weeks ago I went on holidays and (very, very drunkenly) met a guy out one night who turned out to be someone I had a lot of common with and who was smoking hot. Things progressed and got heated between us, he left the next morning and I never saw him again.

While I should be clocking this down to a drunken fling (no numbers were exchanged etc) - my friend who was with his friend was texting away with her guy and I got curious. Which led to me adding him on LinkedIn after seeing he had viewed my profile (we work in similar industries). An invite which has never been accepted and I subsequently saw that he had blocked his facebook page.

So yeah. This about sums up my luck with men. I fall for the ones who never have any interest in me beyond a drunken hookup (which they subsequently regret, it would seem)

The funny thing is, I have no problem attracting male attention - I guess I would be considered pretty. I just never get reciprocal attraction from the guys I actually want it from and I fear it's becoming a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

I've tried taking time off from dating (9 months since my last date!), I've tried "working on myself"...but nothing seems to change.

Meanwhile the world around me is hooking up and getting engaged, married etc while I sit here wondering what needs to happen in my life for me to attract a man I am attracted to and for something to stick!

What gives? Any other girls experiencing this? Any guys have any idea as to any particular vibes I might be giving off etc??

Would really really appreciate insight!

xx

Czarcasm

cookiexx wrote: »

What gives? Any other girls experiencing this? Any guys have any idea as to any particular vibes I might be giving off etc??

Would really really appreciate insight!

Well first off anyway OP you haven't described anything unusual for a girl in her 20's, nor anything unusual a guy in his 20's wouldn't be doing.

You're on a bit of a tightrope tbh, and there's no easy fix that's going to make you feel any better. I can see why guys are attracted to you, because your post reads like you're assertive and confident, but that's a double edged sword, in that your post also reads like you can be just a tad too forward.

You could be giving off vibes the next morning like "Right, we've done that, now let's take this to the next level, I can't be waiting around". That kind of vibe quite frankly scares the shìt out of 20 something guys with no clear ideas about settling down and committing to anything, and that's why you're not seeing their heels for dust the next morning.

I'd suggest you just ease up on yourself a small bit, don't put so much pressure on yourself to be like everyone else you see around you. It'll happen for you, but you have to let it happen naturally. You're only in your 20's, and you sound like the kind of girl that's pretty much got her life together, but is missing that one piece of the jigsaw.

You're seem like you're rushing it because you like to know where you stand, but everybody doesn't live life at the same pace you do, and even less people are going to try and match your pace. That's why I'd imagine guys get the vibes the next morning like you're moving at a faster pace than they're ready for so they bail out.

cookiexx

Czarcasm wrote: »

because your post reads like you're assertive and confident, but that's a double edged sword, in that your post also reads like you can be just a tad too forward.

Thanks for that cZarcasm, yeah I'd suspect you have a point here. Historically in my love life I've sat back and waited for the guy to take the lead, but after years of this I got to the stage where I was like "feck it, this is getting me nowhere. From now on I'm going after what I want" - did this in my last relationship - took the bull by the horns, told the guy I liked him, asked him out - and the whole relationship was defined by disinterest, a half-assed attempt on his part.

With the most recent hook up though, we passed out and when I woke up, he and his friend were gone. (We met them when they were on a mad bachelor's weekend and they had an early morning breakfast to attend). To be honest I was so drunk I wouldn't have remembered much anyway, and wouldn't be overthinking this except for the fact that I remembered how much we had in common & then contacting him seemed to lead to complete rejection.

Ah I don't know. I am assertive, I am confident and very sociable. I had no real intentions with this new guy (he lives in a different country!) but to connect with him online again, he seemed interesting. I didn't send him a message asking him to marry me or anything!!!

Czarcasm wrote: »

and you sound like the kind of girl that's pretty much got her life together, but is missing that one piece of the jigsaw.

HAHA! I wish to God that were true...

But yeah of course I'd like to meet someone, it's been a sorepoint for the last number of years as my love life seems to follow the same stale script...meet someone, sparks, never hear from them again...or meet someone, not really feeling it, they end up falling for me, awkwardness ensues....just wish it would change!

Czarcasm

cookiexx wrote: »

But yeah of course I'd like to meet someone, it's been a sorepoint for the last number of years as my love life seems to follow the same stale script...meet someone, sparks, never hear from them again...or meet someone, not really feeling it, they end up falling for me, awkwardness ensues....just wish it would change!

They're probably wishing the same thing as you right now, wishing their luck would change, I mean, you're doing all the right things, making all the right moves, so try not to lose heart. You're still only in your 20's and IMO (seriously, only personal opinion here, I know people are going to disagree), but you shouldn't be putting so much pressure on yourself to settle into a relationship while you're still young enough to enjoy being single.

Everybody's different though and sure, some people in their 20's are ready for settling down and the whole lot, but the majority nowadays are too busy making the most of their independence before thinking about settling down with anyone until well into their 30's.

It'll happen for you too OP, but when it'll happen, I don't think that's a question anyone can answer tbh!

cookiexx

Czarcasm wrote: »

It'll happen for you too OP, but when it'll happen, I don't think that's a question anyone can answer tbh!

Ah yeah, I guess it's just the never-ending pattern of how my love life always goes that gets me down, you know? It's tiring meeting guys you're attracted to and knowing you're either not in with a chance or will just be relegated to "drunken hookup" territory.

It makes me wonder if I'm going for the wrong guys, am I batting out of my league or something in wanting a hot guy with similar interests and ambitions...but at the same time you can't really force attraction can you?
Mr. Latest Fling was definitely someone that girls would go for, am I over-shooting in thinking he might want me? As I said I'm pretty enough, I get interest...but this has been how things have gone for me for YEARS, it's not just a recent thing.

I have literally never had a meaningful relationship because I can't seem to find a mutual interest in a guy I'm interested in.

I'm confusing myself at this point

Czarcasm

I totally get where you're coming from and all OP, but don't be so quick to write yourself off just because things haven't worked out for one reason or another.

I hate to think it but your situation does sound like the cliched "always wanting what's just out of reach". Does that mean you're batting out of your league? Hell no, no such thing! And you shouldn't start thinking about lowering your standards or settling for less than you really want either.

Hot guys that feel the same way about you as you do about them are naturally enough rare as hell, but that's why they're more valuable, and no doubt there's hot guys out there that think girls like you are rare as hell too.

It takes a bit more time and effort to find them, but when you do, that's gonna make it all the more worth all the guys you're instantly gonna forget about.

All I can say is hang in there OP, don't settle for less than you feel you're worth, because that definitely won't make you feel any better!

kjl

I think you are looking for love in the wrong places. You are never going to find the man you are going to marry on a boozed up night out. When lads have a little alcohol they don't really care about starting a relationship, they are out to get laid.

Also I think you are really over thinking the situation with the guy who choose someone else over you, this relationship was a week long, so it shouldn't really take more than a week to get over it. Nevermind tracking the statues of their relationship one year later.

The key to finding someone is to firstly be attracted to them, go on a date with them and get to know them, then have sex. Don't start with sex as it will blur the lines of attraction and connection.

Remember as well that some people are a bit messed up , I get a bit unnerved at the thought of something getting serious. I tend to bail on a relationship after a month or two. There are loads of guys like me who might want a fling but don't want anything serious.

cookiexx

kjl wrote: »

I think you are looking for love in the wrong places. You are never going to find the man you are going to marry on a boozed up night out. When lads have a little alcohol they don't really care about starting a relationship, they are out to get laid.

Also I think you are really over thinking the situation with the guy who choose someone else over you, this relationship was a week long, so it shouldn't really take more than a week to get over it. Nevermind tracking the statues of their relationship one year later.

The key to finding someone is to firstly be attracted to them, go on a date with them and get to know them, then have sex. Don't start with sex as it will blur the lines of attraction and connection.

Remember as well that some people are a bit messed up , I get a bit unnerved at the thought of something getting serious. I tend to bail on a relationship after a month or two. There are loads of guys like me who might want a fling but don't want anything serious.

Yeah thanks for this.

In my experience jumping in with the sex stuff never really amounts to it becoming anything more than sex. I guess with the most recent guy I was sort of in holiday mode, met someone I liked, figured I'd never see him again, then got a bit tipsy...it's my own fault for reading more into a situation which was basically just two people drunkenly hooking up.

And with the ex that I mentioned - that wasn't a week-long relationship, what I meant was he met someone new within a week of the relationship ending, we were actually together for several months. Totally over it now, whatever, but it did knock me for six at the time - hence taking months out of the dating scene altogether.

I guess I need to get the hell out of the pubs and late night bars and try to meet someone whilst sober

AJG

cookiexx wrote: »

I guess I need to get the hell out of the pubs and late night bars and try to meet someone whilst sober

Reading your initial post I was actually going to advise the same thing. The booze does tend to obscure things somewhat.

claypigeon777

Perhaps you should avoid sleeping with guys before you get to know them better?

IrishEyes19

Hey OP, I think and I dont want to sound harsh, but maybe cutting down on boozed up nights is the first place to start. Have your nights out if you want, but dont mix men and excessive drink because and Im sure there are exceptions, but being roaring drunk, and sleeping with a guy from the minute you meet them, doesnt give you a fair chance to show someone who you really are. It may sound old fashioned but first impressions last, and even if the sex is good, if you're hammered, how much of you do you think someone remembers the next time they think of you, other than what happened in bed. you get back what you give. you might get a second call but chances are it will be short lived and night time activities, not always. but there;s a good chance.

try something new for a change. go out, have a drink or two, but get chatting to someone if you like them, get a number and leave it there. go home alone and text the next day or let them text, and arrange a coffee date or a meal out. in that space, you have done two good things. not woken up to a stranger and now created an air of mystery for the future and slowly work your way towards getting to know each other better, rather than jumping feet first into bed and never seeing them again.

heretochat

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Hey OP, I think and I dont want to sound harsh, but maybe cutting down on boozed up nights is the first place to start. Have your nights out if you want, but dont mix men and excessive drink because and Im sure there are exceptions, but being roaring drunk, and sleeping with a guy from the minute you meet them, doesnt give you a fair chance to show someone who you really are.

This sort of sums up what I was thinking when reading the initial post as well.. I was never one for the one nighters (much :eek:) when I was younger.. And certainly never started off a relationship as a result of one..

Also while some lads may be drawn to an assertive woman, this has its own limits and you don't want to come across as stalkerish or needy either.. Hence the LinkedIn invite going unaccepted..

Just my two cents worth.. I am not an assertive guy myself and not had great luck in relationships either in the past.. But that can all change once the right one comes along.. In the meantime, relax and don't over-analyise or push it too much

Balmed Out

Id suggest trying a whole lot less and drinking a whole lot less.

You keep repeating the word drunk or drunken etc and you come across as being a bit overly keen or clingy.

Merkin

cookiexx wrote: »

With the most recent hook up though, we passed out and when I woke up, he and his friend were gone. (We met them when they were on a mad bachelor's weekend and they had an early morning breakfast to attend). To be honest I was so drunk I wouldn't have remembered much anyway, and wouldn't be overthinking this except for the fact that I remembered how much we had in common & then contacting him seemed to lead to complete rejection.

Listen hon, I've gone out on nights out and had so many cocktails I found myself thinking I'd a lot in common with the pillar in the middle of the club or the wheelie bin outside. It seems like you're going out, getting sh!tfaced, having one-night stands and then being very disappointed when it doesn't turn into love. And then rinse and repeat. You need to break this cycle of looking for love in the wrong places. There's nothing wrong with going out and having drunken one-night stands if that is your bag, but very rarely do they lead onto great love affairs. If you're that tipsy as well your judgement might be a little askewed so someone who you think you have so much in common with may not turn out to be all that amazeballs after all in the cold light of day!

Have you tired online dating? Are you a member of a tag rugby team? If you're an expat there should be no end of societies and clubs to join so maybe look at those rather than being wholly reliant on finding someone in a club after one too many shandies!

neveah

Hi OP, I could have written your original post. I get exactly what you mean and where you are coming from. It's something I have struggled with myself, something I beat myself up over & get down about but I've tried to understand what makes this cycle happen and I think it's a combination of a few things.

First off the booze is a factor, it will make you do things you wouldn't dare do when you're sober. It heightens the 'lust' and 'passion' aspect too. For me I have been single for a few years now and at times I yearn for some physical contact and intimacy (we are only human afterall!). I haven't met the right guy so if I kiss someone on a night out sometimes it can go too far because my drunkeness just wants to satisfy a craving rather than allow me have my 'sensible filter' on (this doesn't happen every weekend btw, it's a few times a year but I always find I end up regreting it the day after)

Second of all I came out of a very bad relationship a few years ago and I definitely think there are scars there from that. I think if I'm very honest with myself I struggle to allow myself have an emotional connection with a guy. I'm afraid of it because of the pain I went through before. Therefore a physical encounter is the easier option even though ultimately it leaves me feeling hollow. I guess I am looking for and craving love but I have those 'barriers' and 'walls' in place that you hear so much about in love songs :P I think when you get to our age, a lot of people can be like this having suffered heartbreak from past relationships. They will 'hold back' so much more than they would have when they were younger and carefree.
Do you have any past experiences that may be affecting your thought process? If so maybe that's something you need to deal with as well.

Thirdly, I am, unfortunately, attracted to those cocky, bad boy types as well, the confident guys that will come up chatting you up, filling you with BS. This is NOT a good thing and I know it but sometimes I just can't help myself. Compliments when you have been single for a while will give an ego boost but you have to, at all times, remember what these guys are doing, they probably know you are single and they will feed you with crap to get what they want, especially in a nightclub, generally they are looking for one thing. If you are drunk and vulnerable then these lines will work. I am now aware of the draw I have for these guys and I try now not to respond to their advances because ultimately if they don't get anywhere they will move onto the next girl and say all the same ****e to her. It's hard to weed out the good guys from the bad guys at times. I'm trying to keep an open mind about every guy I meet now and just try and be friends first and foremost, maybe something will grow from that. But it's true what other posters have said, if we are looking for our one true love in a drunken haze at 1am in the local nightclub then we may as well be looking for a needle in a haystack! I also think that a lot of guys in their late 20's, early 30's are only looking for fun and are not looking for a relationship. Sex is so freely available now that they don't have to be in a relationship so they don't bother.

Finally, I have to admit I hate the formality of 'dating', I find the whole thing cringeworthy & uncomfortable. I would much rather meet a guy out and about in a group situation and hang out casually and see if an attraction grows from there than have to sit down for a pre-arranged couple of hours to see if we have anything in common. I just find the whole thing pressurised and I've never particularly felt that I knew after a couple of dates if I fancied a guy or not because the situation is contrived for us both to put our best foot forward rather than just be ourselves with no pressure. Anyway these are just some thoughts I have about dating, I know this is my problem in particular as my friends tell me to relax and not put pressure on myself but I just seem to do it naturally so that unfortunately probably comes across when I'm on dates hence my lack of success. People have advised online dating but that seems so contrived I just know I would hate it.

So all in all OP I haven't the anwers for you, I just wanted to let you know that you are certaintly not alone when it comes to having bad luck with men. I guess the main thing is to search within yourself and get to know yourself better, what are your cravings/complusions/yearnings, maybe understanding yourself better will help you see what motivates you in these situations. Once you have identified this then maybe that's soemthing you can work on. It probably won't be fixed overnight but awareness is the first step forward at least. I agree with other posters and I am working on doing the same myself - get involved in activities that are not alcohol related, make friends with guys without romantic pressure, have my BS radar on at all times, not drink so much on nights out etc. Hopefully we'll meet someone nice eventually

astonaidan

cookiexx wrote: »

Ah yeah, I guess it's just the never-ending pattern of how my love life always goes that gets me down, you know? It's tiring meeting guys you're attracted to and knowing you're either not in with a chance or will just be relegated to "drunken hookup" territory.

It makes me wonder if I'm going for the wrong guys, am I batting out of my league or something in wanting a hot guy with similar interests and ambitions...but at the same time you can't really force attraction can you?
Mr. Latest Fling was definitely someone that girls would go for, am I over-shooting in thinking he might want me? As I said I'm pretty enough, I get interest...but this has been how things have gone for me for YEARS, it's not just a recent thing.

I have literally never had a meaningful relationship because I can't seem to find a mutual interest in a guy I'm interested in.

I'm confusing myself at this point

From a guys point of view thats just nonsense, when a guy likes a girl looks become sort off irrelevant.
I think your problem is you go out get locked and hope to find the guy off your dreams, which to be honest rarely happens.
From my point of view, Id view a girl that slept with me on the first night I met her as a girl out for fun and not commitment

cookiexx

Thank you all for the replies. Particularly Neveah - your post really really hits the nail on the head for me.

I'm getting the drunk thing pointed out a lot, obviously it's the most apparent problem & the advice Id probably give myself in another context, but it's far from a regular thing for me & not an avenue Im going down every weekend or anything. Though I know that's not obviously from my posts.

This recent guy is the first guy Ive been with since I broke up with my ex last year. Neveah's post accurately describes what seems to happen with me on that front too. I get hurt/disappointed by a guy and shut myself off for a while, no flings or romances or hook ups etc for sometimes months on end, then someone comes along, I 'll have one too many drinks so the 'sensible filter' Neveah described goes out the window, it gets overly physical because that's something I haven't experienced for a while and suddenly in the guy's eyes I'm some sort of fun time girl who probably gets laid every weekend.

When the reality is quite the opposite - Ive been just so guarded & jaded about romance and dating that Ive switched myself off to it, until someone comes along that I can't resist and all of a sudden my hopes are up (and dashed) again.

It helps to see from the posts here that that kind of behaviour does someone classify you and limit you from a male perspective. I know it's to point out the glaringly obvious, but honestly, when you're doing the sexual stuff and wanting it to turn into so much more, it's very easy to forget that the guy is probably just thinking "wuhoo! Easy sex!"

Thank you so much Neveah for pointing these things out as they certainly apply to me and I've never thought about them before.

I can see now why the guy was probably mortified when his one night stand tried to add him on linkedIn!!! I guess Im just a little sad as I know under different circumstances we probably could've gotten on really well but I sort if ruined it all by jumping in the way I did.

I think I have issues with forming an emotional connection with guys as a result of my previous hurt, and that's why I'm going about things assways, avoiding the dating scene for months on end & then jumping straight in & leading with the physical when someone does come along.

Oh first world problems!!

heretochat

I know exactly where you are coming from when it comes to being alone for a long period of time (whether through choice or otherwise). And yes then when the attention comes one can act in an irrational manner and jump in at the deep end (firstly in a physical sense and then a chasing sense).

There are a lot of lads that will lap that sort of thing up and do no more than boast to their mates afterwards.

So make them work for it and you will find you will be the one being chased in due course...

dellas1979

When you said that you worked on yourself, do you mean you hid away, like you described, or did you actually try get to know/understand yourself?

Am 100% sure that you would love to be in the (right) relationship and not in the wrong relationship for the sake of everyone else being in one. Even if that means you staying on your own for a while and getting to know yourself (and not just hiding/shying away and then making a burst out).

Also, if you are single, and you do meet a guy on a night out or something and you want to do something, there is nothing wrong with this (scratch an itch)! Just remember, it is probably only a casual encounter.

neveah

I'm so glad my post helped. Your situation is something I can really identify with and I've been doing a lot of soul searching about it myself recently hence the reason why I had some well thought out points (I did ramble on a bit didn't I!:D)

As I said, the exact same thing happens to me: Go out one night, few fellas chatting me up, get drunk, fancy a snog, drunk lust kicks in, physical needs scream for satisfaction, longing for physical intimacy but mixing it up with emotional needs too.....etc. etc.....vicious cycle!!!

I don't do it every weekend either, might happen 2-3 times a year but usually the same ingredients apply - drink, sexual frustation, no bf, and more than likely I will have had a recent bad experience with a guy where things haven't worked out.

I think I have a normal enough sex life for a 30 year old. My problem is I know I'm looking for more than just sex so these types of situations leave me feeling a bit empty afterwards. To be honest though, I have been asked out by guys I have had a ONS with afterwards, it's when I went on dates with them that I realised I didn't really like them that much, I just wished I'd waited to sleep with them before finding that out! Horse before the cart and all that :rolleyes:

So there are guys out there that won't judge a girl who has a ONS and they will be interested in seeing her again. A few of my guy friends are in long term relationships now with girls they slept with the first night so it's not unheard of. Not all guys will make a snap judgement and if they do well they probably aren't worth it anyway. The double standards when it comes to sex is unbelievable, but anyway that's another debate!

You're feeling a bit gutted now by the Linkin rejection etc but that's not to say that another guy you end up sleeping with won't turn out to be the love of your life. I will say though if it is making you unhappy then you should stop. Try and get to know a guy first and built a connection, that's probably the best way forward for you. Feeling lonely and having a lot of drink is a terrible combination and ultimately can lead to disaster as I well know! As a previous poster said make guys work for it more, make sure you know that you are a high value woman who has a lot to offer and guys will be the ones chasing you..........just be careful to suss out what type of guy it is first, a cocky chancer or a genuine nice guy!! We know which ones we need to avoid

cookiexx

Thank you all.

I've learned a lot from this thread and will be taking it all on board.

I think I need to give myself space and time to understand my needs and work on making myself happier from the inside out, instead of waiting for someone to come along and do it for me.

I've just discovered that the guy I was with last week almost certainly has a girlfriend. Which obviously accounts for the no-response to the linkedIn request (and makes me feel amazing)

I don't know what to think right now.
But just that I can't do this anymore.

I'm a good, decent, attractive woman with a great personality and a lot of ambition and I just bloody well deserve more than this bullsh1t.

Yellow121

Go Cookiexx! I wouldn't want to be the next guy to use a cheesy chat up line on you. They'll be put in their place big style. Cookies looking for real men now, all you time wasters can take a jump. If you mess with her she'll kick your ass.

cookiexx

Mods I hope it's OK if I bump this...

It's happened again.

Met a guy, this time through an online dating site (I joined years ago, no pic up or anything, totally forgot about it then out of the blue got a random message off a guy who turned out to be quite smart and interesting)

We met a few weeks ago and got on famously. He's a little younger than me, very good-looking and athletic, seemed to be into me full throttle, kept asking me out and we dated for a few weeks. Said he "couldn't believe he met someone like me online" etc, I mean this guy was seriously forward.

Slept together in an impromptu way on Saturday night and suddenly he went cold, only to message me the next day saying he's "in no state" to start anything new and is going to take a step back from dating for a while because he's just out of a long, long-term relationship.

He'd mentionned this a few times on our dates, but I assumed, given how into me he seemed, that it was something he was over or at least dealing with. Up to sleeping together he couldn't see me enough

So yeah. Hopes dashed once again. I feel fantastic of course

Why does this keep happening? How do you protect yourself from this? Do I just have to keep plodding along meeting duds and hope that my luck will change? It seems like a retarded thing to do to be honest and all I want to do right now is give up on the entire oppposite sex!

I feel like it's a running joke at this stage!

Yellow121

So sorry Cookie. Some lads are pricks, that's what you always have to remember, it's nothing to do with you. You just seem to be very unlucky. I could tell you to keep your head up and you'll meet the right guy eventually but I don't think you want to hear it. Sorry, I have no real advice as such but maybe just stick with going out with your friends for a while and avoid boys.

heretochat

He was feeding you lines it appears in an effort to get something from you, i.e. access to your bed.

Now that he got that he sees it as job done and will move on to the next soft target..

Nothing to do with you this one.. He was a pr*ck as the previous poster said..

Maybe deny access to your bed to the next guy until you know him a bit better and are sure of his intentions..

miamee

cookiexx wrote: »

Mods I hope it's OK if I bump this...

It's happened again.

Met a guy, this time through an online dating site (I joined years ago, no pic up or anything, totally forgot about it then out of the blue got a random message off a guy who turned out to be quite smart and interesting)

We met a few weeks ago and got on famously. He's a little younger than me, very good-looking and athletic, seemed to be into me full throttle, kept asking me out and we dated for a few weeks. Said he "couldn't believe he met someone like me online" etc, I mean this guy was seriously forward.

Slept together in an impromptu way on Saturday night and suddenly he went cold, only to message me the next day saying he's "in no state" to start anything new and is going to take a step back from dating for a while because he's just out of a long, long-term relationship.

He'd mentionned this a few times on our dates, but I assumed, given how into me he seemed, that it was something he was over or at least dealing with. Up to sleeping together he couldn't see me enough

So yeah. Hopes dashed once again. I feel fantastic of course

Why does this keep happening? How do you protect yourself from this? Do I just have to keep plodding along meeting duds and hope that my luck will change? It seems like a retarded thing to do to be honest and all I want to do right now is give up on the entire oppposite sex!

I feel like it's a running joke at this stage!

The bolded bit stood out to me.

He told you repeatedly that he was not up for a relationship, yet you continued dating him assuming that he would change his mind. I think it is very unfair to pin all or any of the blame on him for how you feel now after not listening to what he was plainly telling you.

Next time you meet someone you like and who appears to like you, find out where it is going (if anywhere) before sleeping with him as this seems to be the thing that is disappointing you the most each time - sleeping with them expecting some sort of commitment as a result.

Daisy2013

Cookie I really feel for you. I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. I really wanted to meet a nice man and kept choosing the wrong ones and getting hurt. Usually even when there were warning signs I'd think I could change them and keep going until I got hurt again.

I tried online dating and went on a fair number of dates. Met some lovely men but just didn't click with any of them. Then I went on a date with someone who I had spoken to online who seemed nice enough but I wasn't expecting too much.

From the first date he came across as a lovely person and he didn't play any games that other men had played in the past. We took the physical side of things slowly (it was nearly 3 months before we became properly intimate which was longer than any of the unsuitable men from before).

That was over two years ago, we now live together and I could not be happier. We have even been talking about the future and getting engaged.

Anyway my point is don't give up, it only takes one man to be the right one. I hope you meet someone nice very soon.

cookiexx

Thank you all for the advice.

Daisy, your post gave me a bit of hope!! Glad things worked out for you.

I've just read the thread from start to finish again and identified two things I've been doing which are bloody stupid and counterproductive:
- sleeping with the guy in question before I've REALLY gotten to know him and figured out his intentions
- drinking too much on dates/whatever.

So yeah. If I take anything from this thread, it's gonna be to drop both of those two things and play things at MY pace from now on.

I don't think I've ever mastered the art of "having sex like a man" - it's always something that I've view as special, an emotional thing that brings you closer to someone as opposed to it being the "end goal", and I think that's why all of these recent encounters have made me feel like crap.

Hopefully these last two aRseholes will have taught me that lesson for once and for all!

MaggieZ

OP, the other day someone posted this link on another thread:http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk Please read her blog, it will open your eyes. I wish I knew about it a couple of months ago, I would have avoided one more mistake in my life Good luck!

amtc

Sweetheart value yourself. That's the best advice I ever got (albeit from a Rose of Tralee friend!) I hate to quote Jeremy Kyle, but raise the bar!

That said, the longest relationship I ever had (we got engaged and bought a house and had five lovely years and one terrible year) was with a guy I met in Greece...both on holidays from Ireland, and I had read a magazine article about how you should have a holiday one night stand - so I did. He called next day - basically, if he's that into you, he will. Reasons we didn't work out came later.

I met a guy earlier this year who I quite like, but he rings me with five minutes notice at 9.55pm to ask if I want a quick drink...barely kissed him in 4 dates...so I said i he wants to ask me out he needs to ask me out, like for dinner etc. I've no problem paying my own way etc. but that just strikes me as last chance effort on a Friday etc. So he called me Saturday at 10.00 - fancy a last drink...my answer was that I told him the ground rules of wooing and making plans. Haven't heard since. It's not a money thing, if anything I have more than him, but me and my bed are not the last show on the road!

MonkeyBalls

It's a fact that most men you talk to about this will lie to you, so I'll do you a favour and tell you the truth: your looseness and easiness can be seen a mile away by experienced men, and this is very off putting for any man looking for a relationship. For serious relationships men want a coy, somewhat vulnerable, loyal classy woman who hasn't been ridden like the town bike. For one night stand fun, they go for easy targets and don't want to call them again.
This is just a harsh, unfortunate reality.

Those with a 12 year old's grasp of reality (more and more people these days) will tell you that only insecure or "sexist" men are put off by a sexually liberated woman who drunkenly shags a guy after knowing him 5 minutes, you go grrrll. If you put out that vibe that's all you'll get from men, and you'll end up unhappy and a man hater. The people trying to sugarcoat these issues only perpetuate your confusion and unhappiness and lack of relationship success, listen to them if you want a temporary ego palliative but long term unhappiness. Stay in shape, stay feminine, watch your reputation, exhibit some impulse control, and good things will happen.

Herbie1000

OP, if you’re genuinely confused and upset by this, then here’s some insight from a man’s perspective. Of course I can’t speak for every man on the planet, how could I. All these stupid generalisations about what way men supposedly think when it comes to this side of things are just that, stupid generalisations….BUT, from the large cross section of men I do know, young and old, rich, poor, whatever..there is one consistent trend when this is discussed in honesty..Few, if any at all, would want to have a “relationship” with someone who they had shagged on the first night, drunk or otherwise… WHY? Simple..There is no TRUST thereafter.. He is supposed to leave the next morning and believe that through some devine, cosmic occurrence of chance he has just happened to have met his soul mate on the dance floor of the local meat market, bedded her within hours..BUT this is not something she does regularly, if in fact, ever at all??? The glut of bull**** tv shows like Sex and The City, Geordie Shore etc have been selling people a pig in a poke for the past while and the influence is phenomenal..
Look, in your gut, I think you know this anyway, always have known it and always will know it..We are not animals, incapable of controlling our behaviour..Drink cant be blamed for everything,..Human Beings are not objects to be treated in a disposable manner without there being emotional consequences..All these little conquests with “hot, athletic” guys will after time go the same way..Follow your gut moving forward, it wont guide you the wrong way..Stop projecting blame on to the men and be responsible for what YOU do, I think it will all work out just fine… Alternatively keep doing what your doing and you will find plenty of people who will endorse you, support you and demonise all the “bad men” alongside you…. Men are human beings just like women

thegreatgonzo

I can't add much to this because there has been lots of good advice already (Neveah for one) but I can relate to your problem. I'm older than you and still single but what's changed for me is how I feel about it. If you try to stop making meeting someone the absolute priority of your life and shift your everyday thoughts to something else I think you'd be happier, I know that sounds a bit trite and obvious but it worked for me. It took me a while but after I went through a series of break ups which dredged up a lot of the same thoughts you are torturing yourself with I threw myself into new hobbies, social clubs and changing career. I am so much more content and self confident now than I've ever been and it doesn't depend on anyone else. I might still be single but it's ok. Just think of all the people who are in unhappy relationships, that's so much worse.

cookiexx

Thanks to the last few posters. Kind of needed to hear that.

I'm sort of getting it now.

I've basically been having sex with the last few guys in an effort to maybe get them to "like" me more, or want something more with me, maybe that's always been my way.
When obviously from a male perspective it means something different entirely.
That, and I'm so fixated on wanting a relationship that every rejection, or perceived rejection, is magnified by 100. I'm basically left sitting there thinking, "really, REALLY? AGAIN???", instead of engaging in some critical thinking about my own actions and what kind of message they've been giving out.
I think the drunk and sex things have been misrepresenting me really, as I'm FAR FAR FAR from the "town bike" it's almost funny (I've gone YEARS without quite regularly) and actually AM one of those girls who "doesn't do this often" - I've just fallen into this pattern with guys in a totally misguided way. Wanting to be liked, wanted, respected, appealing...and just coming off as easy.
It's kind of hard to just like STOP wanting to meet someone who turns into something more than what I've been getting (I've sort of been waiting 28 years!), but I get the point that I need to just chillax a little, focus on enjoying my life a bit more without feeling inadequate because of this.

Thank you all.
Lots of work to do.

neveah

Sorry to hear you had another crap experience Cookie :mad: it's a bummer but don't beat yourself up too much, we all live and learn. You seem to be gaining more and more self-awareness and that can only be a good thing.

Unfortunately you are going to meet a lot of undesireables out there (and there are lots of them!) They will say they don't want a relationship but they will feed you all the stuff you want to hear and continue to woo you. They send mixed messages. You can't be fully blamed for falling for it. It's hard as well when you are attracted to someone, you want to think that the feeling is mutual and things are going somewhere. As a rule of thumb I would be very wary about someone who has just come out of a long term relationship. Also a big red flag is someone who is being overly complimentary and intense at the beginning. When a flame burns intensely bright initially it tends to burn out just as fast.

You need to burst out of the Hollywood rom-com bubble as well. Try and not get caught up fully in your emotions, maintain a realistic outlook on what you are experiencing with each guy you are dating. Listen to what they are saying but make sure their actions back up their words. We all want the fairytale but real life rarely works out that way.

Also I don't think this is just about sex, you just haven't met the right person for you at the moment where the two of you have clicked and are on the same level. Timing has a lot to do with it. This guy wasn't ready for a relationship, he probably sensed that you got more attached once ye were intimate and this scared him off.

I have an issue with the guys that posted earlier about the 'town bike' etc. I'd be interested to know what age they are. I am 30 and most people my age have a sex life, they have a past, they generally have slept with more than one person. Does that mean they sleep with everyone? No. Does this mean they are the 'town bike'? No. Does that mean that they can go to a nightclub and have a ONS on occasion and not do that all the time? Yes. The double standards when it somes to sex is frustrating. I certaintly don't agree with having ONS every weekend - for girls or guys - but guys expecting celibate virgin Marys in their 20's/30's is a bit unrealistic on their part. OP you waited a few weeks and had a few dates before you had sex, you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don't basically. The reality is there is a expectation of sex very early in the courting process these days. How long are most guys going to wait? Would they wait a few months these days? I doubt you'll find many who would.

Best thing is to stop making a relationship your main priority. Get busy in life, do things, plan things with your friends, go out and dance, don't drink to excess, have a few sneaky snogs and don't have any expectations. Let life flow. Be positive and you will attract positivity and don't forget that age old saying 'what's meant for you won't pass you by'. That guy just wasn't meant for you

livinginkorea

cookiexx wrote: »

Thanks to the last few posters. Kind of needed to hear that.

I'm sort of getting it now.

I've basically been having sex with the last few guys in an effort to maybe get them to "like" me more, or want something more with me, maybe that's always been my way.
When obviously from a male perspective it means something different entirely.
That, and I'm so fixated on wanting a relationship that every rejection, or perceived rejection, is magnified by 100. I'm basically left sitting there thinking, "really, REALLY? AGAIN???", instead of engaging in some critical thinking about my own actions and what kind of message they've been giving out.
I think the drunk and sex things have been misrepresenting me really, as I'm FAR FAR FAR from the "town bike" it's almost funny (I've gone YEARS without quite regularly) and actually AM one of those girls who "doesn't do this often" - I've just fallen into this pattern with guys in a totally misguided way. Wanting to be liked, wanted, respected, appealing...and just coming off as easy.
It's kind of hard to just like STOP wanting to meet someone who turns into something more than what I've been getting (I've sort of been waiting 28 years!), but I get the point that I need to just chillax a little, focus on enjoying my life a bit more without feeling inadequate because of this.

Thank you all.
Lots of work to do.

Hello there,

Just wanted to give you a guy's perspective on this. You seem like a lovely girl but it seems that you are insecure of yourself. Step back and look at what you want from a guy and then try to find that without drink. I know it is easier said than done but I experienced the same thing myself. I deliberately forced myself to stop drinking so that it would not be a factor when I met girls. Then I found out that the girls I met when I was drinking are not actually nice girls at all...I am sure that they are nice but when they (and I) have taken drink it is a very dangerous combination.

I have lived abroad for the last 10 years and the funny Irish person could easily get attentipn...but seemingly only when they had drink in them, because it gave me more confidence to be bold. I stopped drinking completely for a couple of years and that changed the playing field a lot. I was able to spot what actually I was interested in. I am not in college anymore where any girl will do...I am in my early 30s and am fairly picky. If it doesn't happen then it is her loss, not mind. You have to think the same way. Know about yourself more. Reflect in what you need and want in a partner. If you want just to blow off steam and have fun then so be it. If you want something more then you have to sit down and think about it a lot...just like I did (not saying that it worked out but at least I know what I want).

Hope that helps a bit. Good luck!