Emotionally disconnected husband & daddy.

LegacyUser

Hey all :-) This seems to be the best place to start, and to try to get a bit of help.

I'm with himself for about 15 years. We are married for about 10. Got three kids. I'll try not to be biased, but they are great kids, at school, etc. Good lookin too! lol

I'm having marriage problems. I don't know what to do about it. At the start, way back 15 years ago, it seemed fine. We were massively attracted to each other. The conversations were also brilliant, we agreed to want the same things outta life. Unfortunately his mother & mine, do not like eachother, and both mothers put consistant pressure on myself & himself, with the hopes that we would go our separate ways. Both mothers, have been spoilt by their husbands, and used to getting their own ways. God forbid, one might outshine the other etc.

Well, my OH and I decided to ignore this behaviour from our inlaws, an just get on with life. we had a child within the year. A handsome boy, who my hubby loved dearly. this was agreed, and planned. The 2 mothers hit the roof when they found out I was pregnant. We were 20 & 22 btw, both working etc. anyway, baby boy was born, and himself was delighted. Then over the course of a few months I realised, that himself wasn't mature enough to be excited about being a parent. always a great provider, but a maggot with beer in him.

A few years roll by, and we both grow accustomed to how things are, it wasn't all bad. I think if I didn't take as much notice of my condescending mother, and if he did the same, we'd have been okay. anyway. One night, I cheated! because of course I was stupid enough to fall for the usual 'wow, your being really nice to me', compliments, etc. Myself and himself parted ways, as I wanted someone who could be 'nice to me'. Not the person I cheated with, but just anyone, who was willing to give me the time of day.

I came out of a bad home, parents always fighting & arguing, dad was a big drinker.

so when I met himself, 15 years ago and he was 'nice to me' it was my ticket out.

anyway, after a few months of being 'seperated' we got back together. All was well for a while, an he arrived home one day, to announce he'd bought us a house. okay, lovely. We moved in, had another child, and got married. so far so good. Both families at this point are still sicking their ore in, he still cant stand up to his mother, I see him as a weakling, and he is still a maggot after drink. so the usual ultimatums come along. Stop drinking or else etc.

Eventually he ended up cutting the whole lot of his family out, as he just couldn't sit and talk to them, it was easier for him to cut them out! Something I had never agreed with. It came after I had been at the butt of his family calling me every name under the sun.

Well, one night, a good few years ago, and many years after the actual event, I confessed to him, about my infidelity. WORST MOVE I EVER MADE. He took it well, and I poured my heart out. He didn't want details. At this stage we had our third child already. I felt, stupidly, we can really settle into marriage, and family life, if we come at it with a clean slate. We were in the process of building a new house at the time.

Some time later, a few months, we were out on a night out, when we got home, he told me that confessing to him was the worst move I ever made. It was his way of telling me revenge was on the way. But his revenge didn't come for another 3 years! When I least expected it. He did say though, that he knew before we married that I had been unfaithful and he did say, he understood why I did it. He, can I add, was no angel either!!!!!!

So he had an affair, and was a right nasty Sh*t about it too. But decided that he wanted to stay put, and make it work. Made LOADS of promises, Oh, I know how to fix us babe, it'll be okay you wait and see. etc etc. It was lovely for a few months, then he went back to the usual, grumpy, sad face you'd want to smack, mood. I can't lie, I look at other fathers, I watch them interact with their kids, and I look at my fella, It's obvious he is emotionally disconnected from them. You know when a child is hanging around looking for a cuddle, & fighting about who sits next to him on the couch etc. He is oblivious to this, or refuses to see it. I see it though, only too well. the kids often ask me, why does daddy never smile. Why is he always grumpy? I make excuses for him.

Some things I have noticed about him down through the years, while trying to figure him out:

He is highly critical of people, over weight people, or people with a different nationality,
He has no time for children, they are in his way, too noisy, whatever,
He doesn't get any enjoyment from his kids,
It's all about the money honey,
He is the most sensible of this siblings, but also the most critical,
Is totally zoned out when he gets in from work, and has taken 'down time' to a new level,
Is always grumpy looking, can't even crack one for a photograph.


Also, we are financially secure, Thank God, have a beautiful home. Sex life is fantastic, cos if it wasn't I know I'd have troubles! He never pays me any compliments at all! not even the standard 'is that a new top love?' Nothing. I never get any indication that I'm pleasing to him, if ya know what I mean.

I sometimes feel he is only here for me & him, and not the kids too. He made so many promises after his affair, and all have fallen by the way side. After I made my 'confession' I turned myself into everything I though he wanted me to be, to show him, I loved him, and would do anything to save the relationship.

He can't see that his kids are crying out to him emotionally, and it's killing me. It's like, he's here in person, but not here. I often wondered, if he stayed out of default, I just don't know. Every 8 months or so we have the usual conversation about everything, but to sa I'm here, it never changes.

A good few years ago, he went on a course of happy pills, for depression I suppose, and I'd be the first to diagnose it again, but I really don't think that's what i'm dealing with. He was the 'model husband' after his affair for a few months, without the help of happy pills. He knew right from wrong then. He knew how to treat people & his kids, with out the aid of depression tablets. So I'd never use that as an excuse. I feel that he has become lazy, and indifferent to it all, and I have enabled him.
I called his bluff last night, and told him to sort his crap out, and grow a pair, or buy a roll of black bags. I got a text from him today, promising to make things right again.

I can't see why he cant take just a half hour of an evening, after his down time, to sit with the kids, and have a chat with them, just to reconnect. That's all they need, I can fill in the gaps after that. But its such an effort for him. he's a happy clappy chappy around his famiy though, all talk, full of wisdom and a depth of knowledge. (he made peace with them a while back). He has no problem laughing & joking with them, but his kids are a bore to him.

Can anyone advise please?

ShowMeTheCash

Just reading through this and all I can say it all seems very sad!

It all sounds very complex and I am sure we are only getting one half of the story.

You could seek some kind of relatioship counselor... As any comment from me would be "off the cuff" and probably of no real help.

By the sounds of it neither one of you are happy...

Just something to think about, if you are intent on making someone else change for your own happiness then you are probably going to be sorely dissapointed, the only people we can change is ourselves.

All the best.

Tramps Like Us

After reading that I understand why your respective parents didn't want you together.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Our now inlaws didn't want us together because we came from such different backgrounds. He came from a home that had a serious amount of drink flowing and parties all the time (no that they could afford it, but his parents could drink like fishes, and still function). I came from a home where my dad drank too much and it caused arguments. I never witnessed my parents drinking at home. My idea of family life, was making buns in the kitchen with the kids, going for days out with them, and we do those things too. My husband was raised in the pub on a Sunday. Unfortunately his mother resembles a rottweiller on wine, and a tongue to match. My own mother is a bit of a toff toff. So different backgrounds etc.

We both wanted something different then what we had growing up.
I just want him to give of himself emotionally to the kids, not buying them.

When I ask him for his 'opinion' on things, (trying to get his side of the story) he blankly looks back at me, like a deer caught in the lights. he's blank. Light on, no one home.

I love him dearly, and there is a % of things people gotta let slide in a marriage. But I have let so much slide, it's totally slid off. I have allowed too much, and accepted bad behaviour too much maybe.

December2012

I think that there are many complex issues in play here, and you will be better off if you speak with a relationship counsellor.

LegacyUser

OP, does he like you? Not love....but like.

LegacyUser

Whicherie wrote: »

OP, does he like you? Not love....but like.

Well, he says he does. This was one of the very important questions that we went through, when rebuilding the marriage after his affair. Of course, you can love someone, and no be in love with them, also, you can love someone, but their personality can be painful! lol.

I certainly love him, MORE then I like his personality. Day to day, it's okay. But when he'd have a drink, (odd occasion) he turns into a right knob! and thinks the whole world is deaf. That is off putting, I can assure you. But ya, he says he likes me. I think he longs for the days when the kids move out, and it's just us. How sad is that? He'll have a long wait the youngest us well under 10. Kids pick up on that ya know!

Neyite

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

After reading that I understand why your respective parents didn't want you together.

Tramps Like Us, welcome to Personal Issues/Relationship issues. Please read the forum charter before posting again. Unhelpful and off topic posting can earn you a ban from the forum.

Honey-ec

Ok, I'm trying to get this straight in my head.

- You got pregnant, at 20, after less than a year with this guy
- You realised very soon after the birth that he wasn't really cut out to be a dad
- You went ahead and had two more kids anyway
- You were unfaithful before you ever even got married
- He has been unfaithful since
- He bought a house without even consulting you

I have absolutely no idea why the two of your are even still together, tbh. Neither of you particularly seem to even like the other, let alone care about them. I think, as you have said, you saw this guy as a ticket out of your own unhappy family, and let that cloud everything else - like whether you were actually suited to eachother, or whether he'd be a good dad.

Unfortunately, you can't force anyone to be a good parent. There are a lot of people out there who only had kids to keep their partner happy/quiet, and it sounds like your husband is one of these. And you can't hold that against him. Sure, he should have had the balls to tell you he didn't want kids, but he didn't, so you have to deal with that. I know it breaks your heart to see him rejecting (as you see it) your children, but he can't force himself to love them, any more than you can. it doesn't work like that.

I think, at this stage, you need to have a good long sit down with yourself and decide whether what you're getting out of this marriage (sex and financial stability, as far as I can see) is enough for you in the long run. That's pretty much all there is to it, I'm afraid. You can't take back anything that's happened in the past.

LegacyUser

Honey-ec wrote: »

Ok, I'm trying to get this straight in my head.

- You got pregnant, at 20, after less than a year with this guy
- You realised very soon after the birth that he wasn't really cut out to be a dad
- You went ahead and had two more kids anyway
- You were unfaithful before you ever even got married
- He has been unfaithful since
- He bought a house without even consulting you

I have absolutely no idea why the two of your are even still together, tbh. Neither of you particularly seem to even like the other, let alone care about them. I think, as you have said, you saw this guy as a ticket out of your own unhappy family, and let that cloud everything else - like whether you were actually suited to eachother, or whether he'd be a good dad.

Unfortunately, you can't force anyone to be a good parent. There are a lot of people out there who only had kids to keep their partner happy/quiet, and it sounds like your husband is one of these. And you can't hold that against him. Sure, he should have had the balls to tell you he didn't want kids, but he didn't, so you have to deal with that. I know it breaks your heart to see him rejecting (as you see it) your children, but he can't force himself to love them, any more than you can. it doesn't work like that.

I think, at this stage, you need to have a good long sit down with yourself and decide whether what you're getting out of this marriage (sex and financial stability, as far as I can see) is enough for you in the long run. That's pretty much all there is to it, I'm afraid. You can't take back anything that's happened in the past.

Everything you said makes absolute sense. I suppose, it takes an outsider to call it what it is. I think deep down he loves them, but, more like.....loving the family dog.

Being financially secure, in a recession is no bad thing, and sexually fulfilled is good too, but ya, how long will that be 'enough'.

I spoke with him lastnight, laid it all out, he was genuinely scared of it all falling apart. for the first time in years I could literally see it in his eyes. He was frightened. It's frustrating that I have to start dropping strong words into the conversation, for him to suddenly take notice. Of course after I had googled a few websites for dutch courage/information.

He said that he really can't understand why he never thought to (sounds corney) romance me. Flowers, chocolates etc. Even at the petrol station, he'd see the flowers and never put 2 and 2 together. His mind is/was always somewhere else, at work most probably. I kinda felt ignored or taken for granted. My own fault for letting it continue.

I Know having a child with him so about 14 months after meeting him was stupid, He's a big lad now! But he indicated all the right things all the time. Said the right things at the right time. I was green behind the ears, and thought the 'townie' was cock of the walk. Gift of the gab, etc. I was a thick bi*ch for that I know. His own dad is so chatty, and talks to everyone, easy to get on with truth be told. His mother is a detail! but is usually kept in check by the dad.

I know that the 2 families were allowed too much clout in our private affairs, this scarred us. They have no say now,and it's wonderful. It drives them demented. Anyway, he is going to the doctor in the next few weeks to talk about depression and to ask or some happy chappy pills. (which he had briefly years ago) e knows the issues now, and it's p to him t change his ways. Not himself!, just his ... course,direction.. thanks :-)

Tramps Like Us

Might be a bit harsh to say he loves his kids like they were the dog, he might just not be emotional or affectionate, my Dad isn't but he loves me. My mam is the emotional one with all the hugs etc. People display love and affection in different ways!