Heartbroken over friendship end

LegacyUser

Dear all,

I experienced a traumatic event at the start of this year which I have struggled hugely to get over. I would really appreciate any insight/opinions/anything onto my story as it runs through my mind maybe 5-10 times a day and leaves me feeling furious, deeply sad/upset and depressed. This is effecting ever part of my life and I am just firmly stuck in the past.

I am a very shy woman who has struggled socially for a long time. I never had many friends growing up as I just didn't 'get' people and knew I was different. I come from a very unhappy family home which I left at 16 and haven't returned to since. I let most of secondary school and Uni pass me by and was often too depressed to get out of bed to partake in it anyways. My second year in Uni was one of the worst years of my life. A girl 3 years younger than me moved in, a self proclaimed 'diva-biatch' who in turn moved her bleached blonde friends into the house rent free. It was constant arguments and fights and the place was an eternal kip. I eventually stopped interacting with her as it always resulted in negativity and her and her cronies quite aggressive and threatening towards me.

I ended up taking a gap year from Uni and attending counselling in my home town in order to get my issues finally in control. When I returned to Uni in 2011 I felt lost as most people I knew graduated and my oldest friend had moved to Australia. However I met a lovely girl in Nov in the library and we randomly clicked and got on like a house on fire. We ended up going on many holidays together and never argued. We shared the exact same sense of humor and always knew what the other was gonna say. I've never had such a good friend in my life and we had both planned to be each other bridesmaids, move in together the following year etc. We shared everything and I felt blessed to have such a good person in my life.

However when celebrating New Years 2013 in Jan I bumped into that awful ex housemate. I've heard from other friends that she has been stealing their drinks in nightclubs and shouting abuse at them from cars, all just cos they're my friends. She tried to square up to me and intimidate me but I just pushed past her and left the pub. However she followed me out and little did I know her friends were waiting for her outside. They followed us down the street to a taxi and i stopped to try and sort it out once and for all. My friend walked on to the taxi and I when I turned around I was attacked by a man in the group. He punched me in the side of the head knocking me to the ground, and when I stood up again he did the same. I had never seen that person in my life and it was the most humiliating experience of my life. I will never forget falling to the ground and seeing all five of them standing around me.

In the taxi on the way home my friend told me repeatedly that she saw everything and would give a statement to the guards etc while I was bawling. I ended up taking 2 weeks off work and I'm still looking over my shoulder when I go into town in case I get attacked again. After she left the next day she got really, well, distant. She text once asking was I ok and nothing else. During this time I knew she was getting ready to move to Spain to see her then boyfriend in two weeks and we had made loads of plans to go out but when I text her about them she never got back or it was like 3 days later. Around 2 days before she left I rang her about giving a statement as I felt she was avoiding me and she claimed she hadn't seen anything that night. I felt quite off by this as it clearly contradicted what she had said on the night. She ended up not coming to see me until 1 day before she left when she unexpectedly turned up at work and could only wait around 10 seconds.

I emailed her when she got to Spain explaining how I felt. I wrote the email around 5 times because I didn't want it to sound like I was attacking her. I just told her I felt quite hurt and I didn’t understand why she said one thing and did any other. I just asked her about the friendship and what were her reasons for being distant, or was I just being paranoid. I have never been in a physical fight in my life, I don't know how to! I regretted the whole thing instantly as my depression just came flooding back and consumed me. I have never felt like a bigger moron in my life and I have no-one to blame but myself. I know this and I told her this. As I have never had as close a friendship I didn't know if my feelings were wrong or what. I cherish my friendships as I find them quite hard to make and I tend to hold onto them for a long time. I'm quite loyal and always try to be honest and I never actually fight with my friends. Growing up in an argumentative household has put me off fights!

She responded by saying she never saw anything and how I deserved it because I started it and if I wanted the friendship to end over the incident then it was my fault. I was crying reading the email as I felt so hurt. She hasn’t spoken to me since and deleted me off facebook.

I go between being completely enraged and wanted to punch my ex housemate if the face to wanting to cry cos I’ve lost so many inside jokes and happy memories with my friend. It was such a humiliating experience and it eats me up inside as I know she has loads of friends and can make them so easily while I just have this big gaping friendship hole in my life 

Sorry for the essay, and advice/insight is hugely appreciated.

Paddy Cow

I can't for the life of me understand why your "friend" would do such a U turn What a horrible thing to do. Bad enough that you were attacked by your ex-housemate but for her to treat you like that is really sh!t. I don't really have any advice for you as you can't stop your ex-friend behaving like such a b!tch. I feel bad for you and hope you can move on from this. Are you getting counselling to deal with the assault?

aliceayres

Could be an irrational fear of getting involved in a garda investigation, perhaps having to stand up and accuse people she knows. Definitely not excusing it and her lack of sympathy after is deplorable.

Koptain Liverpool

The only explanation I can think of is that your ex-housemate spread some sort of rumor about you in order to justify their attack on you. Would this be a possibility?
With regard to your 'friend' - I wouldn't waste another minute thinking about her. What a bitch to simply walk away from your friendship when you were going through such a difficult time!

You probably should have confronted her straight away - you should never be afraid to ask people straight up what their problem is in situations such as these as you'd be surprised how often people's wires get crossed.

If you really feel like you need some sort of closure then perhaps send her an email telling her what you've told us and ask why she acted like she acted (include a link to this thread).
Apart from that though I'd advise you to try and move on. I'm sure you'll make more friends at some stage, keep the chin up!

And what finally happened regarding the assault. I hope the scumbag lad that hit you was properly prosecuted!

IrishEyes19

OP, I would honestly cut all ties with this girl forever. Her behaviour is deplorable, I agree with other posters, I think the other friend got in there first with some story and unfortunately she went with it. Other than that, she is not a friend. Real friends would take the time to listen to what you have to say, OP and not judge before that.

Dont despair on this waste of space. You need to battle your own demons now, you are extremely upset understandably, but you need to cut to the issue of your problems. you are well capable of making friends, and good ones too, but you are so hard on yourself. I advise you to maybe get off facebook completely. Its a distraction and its not good when you are mourning over the loss of someone. you will recover from this, but getting her friendship back is not an option. I know you are stuck on the good times and memories, and hold them if you wish, but dont let her nasty streak affect how you feel about yourself and how you feel about now. It is much easier to wallow in grief than it is to stand up and accept life goes on. You aren't alone. But your situation and the grief you are feeling right now, wont change if you dont stand up and try and grasp it and move forward. best of luck!

Diziet

Was your 'friend' known to the gardai by any chance and did not want to be involved? Would explain her illogical behaviour.

freshpopcorn

Now OP what happened to you was wrong. In your post you say
''I just pushed past her and left the pub''
'i stopped to try and sort it out once and for all. My friend walked on to the taxi and I when I turned around I was attacked by a man in the group''
Your friend might have felt if you didn't push past the girl and you didn't stop to try and sort it out. Ye would have got a taxi home and that would have being that. Some people hate any level of violence at all. Your friend might have saw a different side to you that night and she mightn't have liked it. I know that might sound horrible now but some people are like that.
I also know some people hate going to the gardai she might feel that you sort of caused the altercation by pushing past the girl in the bar and stopping to sort things out. Now I am not saying your to blame.

OP if you are scared of running into these people again. The best piece of advice I think is to ignore them just walk away don't touch/push them in anyway and if you feel threatened in anyway just get in the next taxi or bus you see. Also if the issue is really stressing you out it might be helpful to talk to a counselor.
Also don't worry OP you'll make new friends might I suggest join a club with people who has similar interests as you. t could help you to might new people and it'll give your confidence a boost.

Jabberwocky_I

Hi OP,

What happened to you is terrible. It's possible that some rumour has been spread and that might be the cause of your 'friend's' sudden change in behaviour. She's clearly not the person you thought she was though if she's believing what other people say before speaking with you first.
I would cut ties there for good. I know how incredibly hurtful this must feel and I understand fully the veering between anger, hurt and feelings of depression.
Have you got someone you can talk to about what's going on? Another friend? Your old counsellor?
Have you made a statement to the guards about the assault outside of the nightclub? I would do so if I were you.
Hope things work out for you OP. While it doesn't help, the problem lies with the individuals at hand and not you. That diva girl you mentioned is clearly threatened by you in some way. She wouldn't be expending any energy on you otherwise. Your friend's behaviour is a result of something going on in her own head and is no reflection on you. I know it's horrible feeling rejected, but you'll be okay and perhaps emerge stronger from this experience.

Anahita

OP,
I had a similar type situation with an ex/colleague/friend and in this case, she just 'decided' that I was 'in' the group. I was completely ostracised from them, though we all worked together daily, we were only 'just' polite and I never confronted the bullyl, as I was frightened of her. She was a very charasmatic person and was a born 'leader'. If you weren't in with her, you were out and not included in any social activities.

I did go to another member of the group to try to appeal to her sense of fairness, but I was abruptly told she didn't want to get involved. To this day, nearly 15yr ago I still don't know what I did or didn't do to deserve that treatment. All I can say to you is, I did find it difficult and it did pass. I became very close friends with another woman at work, who was kind, gentle and an excellent friend. We got very close and she threw me a baby shower (about a year after the end of my inclusion) where she invited all our colleagues. Believe it or not, every one of the members of the group other than the bully attended with gifts. They called me into a room as the shower wound down and apologised, cried and really were heartfelt in their remorse. thankfully, my loyal friend and hostess was very rude to them and told them how for a year and with no explanation I'd been treated shockingly etc...I was too weak to tell them what I really thought.

The moral of the story is 1) some people suck 2)it's their issue not yours and 3) you will heal from this!

I do hope you've gotten some kind of treatment and legal resolution to your assault. All the best.

Anahita

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Now OP what happened to you was wrong. In your post you say
''I just pushed past her and left the pub''
'i stopped to try and sort it out once and for all. My friend walked on to the taxi and I when I turned around I was attacked by a man in the group''
Your friend might have felt if you didn't push past the girl and you didn't stop to try and sort it out. Ye would have got a taxi home and that would have being that. Some people hate any level of violence at all. Your friend might have saw a different side to you that night and she mightn't have liked it. I know that might sound horrible now but some people are like that.
I also know some people hate going to the gardai she might feel that you sort of caused the altercation by pushing past the girl in the bar and stopping to sort things out. Now I am not saying your to blame.

OP if you are scared of running into these people again. The best piece of advice I think is to ignore them just walk away don't touch/push them in anyway and if you feel threatened in anyway just get in the next taxi or bus you see. Also if the issue is really stressing you out it might be helpful to talk to a counselor.
Also don't worry OP you'll make new friends might I suggest join a club with people who has similar interests as you. t could help you to might new people and it'll give your confidence a boost.

I also thought the same thing. I do find it's best to walk away especially in public and with drink taken on any side, you couldn't ever have resolved it.

thefeatheredcat

I do agree with freshpopcorn that she may have seen a different side of you that she either didn't like, or was quite shocked to see and that her perception of an awful incident might have been quite different. Did she previously know about this ex housemate, though? If she knew about her I'd feel she lacks an understanding towards you and I feel has gone quite out of her way to avoid talking with you about what happened or be understanding towards you.

Aside from that she might also feel guilty for not having come to your aid immediately or persuading you to walk away or stood up with you against someone who tried to square you up and intimidate you and was pushing and out looking to cause trouble. Squaring someone up some place and letting them alone and squaring someone up and then pursuing them afterwards are to me, two different things, both to look for a reaction but the latter that bit more so in looking for something to happen.

Maybe she's feeling that bit guilty over what happened and is blaming you as a result saying that you started it (it really doesn't matter who started it) in a bid to misplace any guilt or negative feelings she has about herself because of any inaction on her part, including going straight to the Gardai or calling them out or medical help or anything like that for you, doing something other than letting you cry and giving assurances in a taxi home.

Even if you pushed someone out of the way in a bit to get away from someone being intimidating, it to me isn't the most rational thing to do to follow a person known or unknown to them down the street and have someone they know hit you on the side of the head. Who does that? No rational person would, they might be pissed off or angry for a minute, but they would leave that there and not coming out after you to have someone hit you. And if it hadn't been you, it would have been someone, anyone else and probably just for any excuse to show aggression and threaten violence.

We can all be pushed when confronted with aggressive behaviour to act out in ways we wouldn't normally do. I know I've been pushed in the past by someone aggressive and intimidating, someone who was looking for any excuse and looking for a reaction. I am not proud of that. I've walked away in the past and still not felt proud of that either. And whether in the same shoes as you at the time whether I would have walked away or confronted them, I honestly don't know. I've had times when with people being nasty or crude I've kicked myself for not standing up for myself to my own defence and others when I've been so livid, walked away, gone back, walked away and confronted them. But there are people out there who are just looking for someone, anyone to look at them in a way that says to them "they're looking at me funny" so they have any excuse to be aggressive and be violent.

Don't blame yourself for what happened, either to you that night or to the end of the friendship.

Cant_get_over wrote: »

and I'm still looking over my shoulder when I go into town in case I get attacked again.

This will pass. You're ahead already by being able to leave the house and go about your business and not feeling fearful of going to town and doing stuff. The feeling of fearfulness of getting attacked will stay, but don't let fear of getting attacked consume you. Conquer that fear and the need to look over your shoulder.

As for your former friend... Don't take what she said to heart. Don't blame yourself over what happened with her reinforcing that blame, it isn't going to help you at all, generally speaking. And definitely don't blame yourself over the friendship ending. There are better ways to be a friend to someone than how she has been a friend to you over this and certainly more mature and better ways to handle difficulties in a friendship than all out avoidance of a friend and being blatantly unnecessarily awkward and pointing blame.

Regardless of whether the ex housemate, you and your actions or the reaction of your former friend are the cause of the end of your friendship, assigning blame is irrelevant. What matters here and now is YOU and dealing with it all and how you feel about it all, and yourself. Focus your attention on yourself and helping yourself past this all and putting it behind you, through counselling in helping you deal with how you feel and to achieve getting past it. And if you allow yourself that, you will.

lorweld

Is it possible that your ex housemate or her friends, threatened your friend not to make a statement & she got scared?