Tortured by the Past and cant move on

LegacyUser

Hi guys, really need some solid advice!! this post is really long, so sorry for that, but Id be really grateful for any advice.

I think I'm on the way to hitting rock bottom at the moment. In general I'm pretty happy, good friends, family, job, social life ect! But for the last few years one issue has completely taken over my life. I met a guy a few years ago, without getting into the sorry details, it was ugly almost from the get go. Although we had similiar interests and great chats, chemistry ect, he wouldn't commit! There was always something, other girls, nasty arguments, lies ect, and much more! Unfortunately I didn't walk away and thats a huge fault on my part. I held on, put up with it all and it continued for a few years to my shame.

things just went bad to worse. He drunk called me, said very vulgar stuff, would appologise and then do it again the next time. the verbal fights were the worst, he would say things, really awful things, we wouldnt talk for months and then one of us would end up contacting the other and it seemed to be fine until another argument. I want to add Im not blameless, the arguments were usually because I couldnt bear the casualness of our "relationship" I wanted more and he didnt and I felt I couldnt let go, whereas he could and I wanted him to stop getting in touch with me, as it was hurting me. so I did start these fights as they usually came after him throwing some girl he was with in my face or standing me up and so on. It seemed endless and I held on no matter what.

After one major fight I was sure it was over, as he said the most horrid things I havent forgotten to this day, things along the line of, I was the last person he would be with, that he was smashed to the gills anytime he did or said anything with or to me and so on. For a good few months I did miss him but I got my stuff together again and the no contact was doing me the world of good. then stupidly I drunk texted one bad night I was out, he got back to me and we started talking again. just random stuff, but we were talking.

I realised later he was seeing someone and I stopped talking to him as I knew my feelings were still there. I got a call a while later where he told me loved me and wanted to be with me, whilst with her. I was sickened and got mad and we were back to square one. he followed up a week later with he thinks we'd be together in the future ect, but I dismissed it and so on. weeks later he turned up where I was out one night and watched me all night in the bar we were in standing a few metres from my and my friends table. the next few weeks I stupidly drunk texted more than once and Im ashamed as he responded really cruelly and Im embarassed because it made him look in the right and me a nutjob. I have never contacted him since.

I know this post is long and thanks for reading. My main problem is, I did what I couldnt do, I deleted his number, and I asked him to block me on fb so I wouldnt ever drunk message him and I havent. recently Ive heard from friends he is seeing someone, Im down about it yes, I guess the residual feelings are still there. but he has been unblocking and blocking my facebook page over and over. I know people will say, so what, get over it and they are right. But I guess its just irritating me. I cried my eyes out because I thought he hated me and made me out to be some pyscho who gets thick about everything and yet he keeps unblocking and blocking me. Why is he doing this?

I just feel really down now, and Im embarassed to say jealous of his new gf who apparently he treats wonderfully, and she adores him. Im sure she;s a lovely person but it breaks my heart that he treated me so poorly and so on. I can get my head around this. Im mad but sick to my stomach and just sad I guess. I still have feelings and I dont know how to get through this anymore. I know next time he ublocks me, I should just block him. but its hard. the weird thing is, he unblocks for one week in total and then blocks me again, about every 3 weeks, he seems to wait a week and then blocks me. sorry for the uber long post. any thoughts would be great.

Big Bag of Chips

He's unblocking you because he's curious and wants to keep an eye on what you're doing.

Take the power away from him and block him yourself - and don't be tempted to unblock him!

You know this will never end well for you. So stop giving him time, go cold turkey and move on.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Poor thing.
Block him. You won't be able to see him and he won't be able to see you. You're obviously able to do the whole no contact thing, so just take one day at a time, and feel sorry for the poor girl he's with now. You know what he's capable of, and what he was like saying those things to you when he was with another girl. Would you really want to date a guy like that?
You need to walk away from him because otherwise your self respect will be on the floor and he really doesn't sound like he's worth being able to affect new relationships, in that you'll feel like a physco or a nut with someone different because he made you feel like that too.

I can't help but feel like guys like him feed off a weaker person, they're insecure and love the feeling of being adored or irresistible. Take that away from him and he has no hold over you anymore.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He's unblocking you because he's curious and wants to keep an eye on what you're doing.

Take the power away from him and block him yourself - and don't be tempted to unblock him!

You know this will never end well for you. So stop giving him time, go cold turkey and move on.

I know you are right, I really will have to block him. though my page is completely private so he gains nothing from it. I really want to move on, more than anything. It just feels like he is rubbing salt in my wounds. I dont know why I still have feelings. I would consider myself a respectable, happy person and not insecure but this has been my downfall.

LegacyUser

I'm really hoping to move on from this. I know the facebook thing is the first thing to take care off when I get a chance again. I guess I just feel really burned by what he's at now. It feels like rubbing salt in my wounds. theres certainly nothing he could see on my page.

December2012

Icantmoveonatall wrote: »

I'm really hoping to move on from this. I know the facebook thing is the first thing to take care off when I get a chance again. I guess I just feel really burned by what he's at now. It feels like rubbing salt in my wounds. theres certainly nothing he could see on my page.

He is doing it because he can. Because that's his personality and that's that.

Stop thinking about why he does what he does.

Think about why you do what you do.

dellas1979

I dunno, sounds like you are getting some kick or rush or something out of the whole "why would he block/unblock me" thing. As in a "does he still like me" kind of thing.

People who genuinely like other people or who want to be with other people/respect them, dont behave like this. To be honest, you've let him treat you like this (you do seem to suffer low self-esteem or something...whether youll admit this to yourself or not).

The facts are you tried to be with him, he didnt want to be with you. Not in a committed relationship. Ask yourself, if he turned around in the morning, and said "yup, here we go, want to be in a committed relationship with you" would you believe him? Would you trust him? Knowing what you know, would you genuinely say yes to those questions? Dont you deserve something better? He doesnt care.

Sometimes, people are like things you have to get out of your system. When you feel bad/down about this, let yourself feel down and sad. Dont contact him. Thats like emotional eating. Having the cream cakes to fill some void and then feeling awful later.

It really is a game you are playing with yourself at this stage. So, stop playing the game.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dunno, sounds like you are getting some kick or rush or something out of the whole "why would he block/unblock me" thing. As in a "does he still like me" kind of thing.

People who genuinely like other people or who want to be with other people/respect them, dont behave like this. To be honest, you've let him treat you like this (you do seem to suffer low self-esteem or something...whether youll admit this to yourself or not).

The facts are you tried to be with him, he didnt want to be with you. Not in a committed relationship. Ask yourself, if he turned around in the morning, and said "yup, here we go, want to be in a committed relationship with you" would you believe him? Would you trust him? Knowing what you know, would you genuinely say yes to those questions? Dont you deserve something better? He doesnt care.

Sometimes, people are like things you have to get out of your system. When you feel bad/down about this, let yourself feel down and sad. Dont contact him. Thats like emotional eating. Having the cream cakes to fill some void and then feeling awful later.

It really is a game you are playing with yourself at this stage. So, stop playing the game.

I really can assure you I dont get a kick out of it. I don't. As for low self esteem, ya I definately think I do. Its really set me back this and it feels like a rut Ive been stuck in ever since I met him. Ive had other healthy relationships so I really dont think I get a "kick" out of something that hurts me. Im not playing the victim here, I just felt very low yesterday and needed to get this out.

I;ll take everything on board though, I really just want to move on now.

ivytwine

Hey OP

I was in a similar cycle with someone once, but he wasn't so verbally abusive.

First thing I would say is block him asap. You were on the internet to reply to us there, so why didn't you log into FB to do it? Please, just do it, you'll feel so much better once you do.

Stay strong and DO NOT contact him. IGNORE him when he contacts you.

I promise you you will get thru it. You're worth way more than this.

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

Hey OP

I was in a similar cycle with someone once, but he wasn't so verbally abusive.

First thing I would say is block him asap. You were on the internet to reply to us there, so why didn't you log into FB to do it? Please, just do it, you'll feel so much better once you do.

Stay strong and DO NOT contact him. IGNORE him when he contacts you.

I promise you you will get thru it. You're worth way more than this.

Hi, I cant until he unblocks me again, as he unblocked and blocked me, otherwise I would have straight away.

ivytwine

Icantmoveonatall wrote: »

Hi, I cant until he unblocks me again, as he unblocked and blocked me, otherwise I would have straight away.

So the important thing is that's he's blocked. If he does unblock you just block him. At the min, leave it and don't speak to him!

Ham Sambo

You did txt him... and you did ask him to block him on fb, did you actually block him on fb??

beks101

Icantmoveonatall wrote: »

I think I'm on the way to hitting rock bottom at the moment. In general I'm pretty happy, good friends, family, job, social life ect! But for the last few years one issue has completely taken over my life. I met a guy a few years ago, without getting into the sorry details, it was ugly almost from the get go. Although we had similiar interests and great chats, chemistry ect, he wouldn't commit! There was always something, other girls, nasty arguments, lies ect, and much more! Unfortunately I didn't walk away and thats a huge fault on my part. I held on, put up with it all and it continued for a few years to my shame.

things just went bad to worse. He drunk called me, said very vulgar stuff, would apologise and then do it again the next time. the verbal fights were the worst, he would say things, really awful things, we wouldn't talk for months and then one of us would end up contacting the other and it seemed to be fine until another argument. I want to add Im not blameless, the arguments were usually because I couldnt bear the casualness of our "relationship" I wanted more and he didnt and I felt I couldnt let go, whereas he could and I wanted him to stop getting in touch with me, as it was hurting me. so I did start these fights as they usually came after him throwing some girl he was with in my face or standing me up and so on. It seemed endless and I held on no matter what.

After one major fight I was sure it was over, as he said the most horrid things I havent forgotten to this day, things along the line of, I was the last person he would be with, that he was smashed to the gills anytime he did or said anything with or to me and so on. For a good few months I did miss him but I got my stuff together again and the no contact was doing me the world of good. then stupidly I drunk texted one bad night I was out, he got back to me and we started talking again. just random stuff, but we were talking.

I realised later he was seeing someone and I stopped talking to him as I knew my feelings were still there. I got a call a while later where he told me loved me and wanted to be with me, whilst with her. I was sickened and got mad and we were back to square one. he followed up a week later with he thinks we'd be together in the future ect, but I dismissed it and so on. weeks later he turned up where I was out one night and watched me all night in the bar we were in standing a few metres from my and my friends table. the next few weeks I stupidly drunk texted more than once and Im ashamed as he responded really cruelly and Im embarassed because it made him look in the right and me a nutjob. I have never contacted him since.

I know this post is long and thanks for reading. My main problem is, I did what I couldnt do, I deleted his number, and I asked him to block me on fb so I wouldnt ever drunk message him and I havent. recently Ive heard from friends he is seeing someone, Im down about it yes, I guess the residual feelings are still there. but he has been unblocking and blocking my facebook page over and over. I know people will say, so what, get over it and they are right. But I guess its just irritating me. I cried my eyes out because I thought he hated me and made me out to be some pyscho who gets thick about everything and yet he keeps unblocking and blocking me. Why is he doing this?

I just feel really down now, and Im embarassed to say jealous of his new gf who apparently he treats wonderfully, and she adores him. Im sure she;s a lovely person but it breaks my heart that he treated me so poorly and so on. I can get my head around this. Im mad but sick to my stomach and just sad I guess. I still have feelings and I dont know how to get through this anymore. I know next time he ublocks me, I should just block him. but its hard. the weird thing is, he unblocks for one week in total and then blocks me again, about every 3 weeks, he seems to wait a week and then blocks me. sorry for the uber long post. any thoughts would be great.

I'm pretty sure you've posted before about this and I'm pretty sure I replied too. And I'm going to reply again.

This guy is an addiction for you and you need to figure out why.

You say you hate the torture of seeing him block and unblock you. Sure, consciously most of us aren't masochists and we hate unpleasant, painful things. We will avoid them like a child who accidentally puts her hand on a hot stove.

But that's not what you're doing. You're going back for more, more, more. Check out all the bolded words above.

Ugly...nasty arguments...lies...bad to worse...really awful things...hurting me...I was sickened and got mad yadda yadda yadda

This guy never put a gun to your head. He never tied you up and held you captive to the relationship. You saw who he was and how little he had to offer you and you pursued a relationship like your life depended on it. To the point where even now, months on, you can't stop yourself from checking his facebook to see what he's up to, how he's reacting to you, despite him having moved on with his life. Why?

I broke up with a guy who treated me badly a while ago and I honestly couldn't give a cat's aRse what he's been up to in the mean time, whether he's checking my facebook regularly or in a wonderful relationship or loved up to the nines or still hung up on me or whatever. None of my business, not my concern, don't need the headache or the headfcuk. All I need to know is he hurt the sh1te out of me at the time with his inconsiderate behaviour and like that child won't go anywhere near that stove again, I won't be letting someone like that within spitting distance of my life again. I'd be mental to. Why would you?

Get over the blocking and unblocking. He's quite obviously an unsafe character for you to be involved with, and this is weird behaviour. If I spotted the same in my ex I'd just think he was certifiable, not that he was still harbouring feelings for me or whatever it is you seem to believe.

I really think you need help with this one if you want to pull yourself completely out of this rut and safeguard against it happening again with some future shady character.

You've accepted all this negativity and pain and hurt and anger and frustration into your life for so long - willingly - look at that word, think about it, and try to understand why. That's the key to getting out of the headspace you're in right now and moving on to happier things.