How to let go and move on

LegacyUser

I am just wondering how to let go of somebody who I have been unable to let go in the past no matter what terrible things have happened. I was going to write a very long post detailing the history of my relationship but even 10,000 words would not be enough. To cut a long story short I have been in a relationship with my (ex) partner for the past 17 years. We have children together. When I look back I can see that it was a completely sick and codependant relationship from the very beginning. We broke up and got back together many times over the years. There were/are so many issues in our relationship I don't even know where to begin and there isn't enough space here to talk about them.

I keep thinking he will change but he never did/never does. How do I stop this cycle? I just want to be able to walk away and not feel inexplicably drawn back to someone who has abused me in just about every conceivable way......We have been living apart for the past 3 or so months but the relationship was never really "over". Today things came to a head. I don't want to get into details but I was left reeling and actually deeply saddened about how little respect he has for me and his children. How do I let go? Has anyone been through similar? (I have to say I am doubtful that anyone would stick around in a relationship like this for so long). Right now I feel that I'll never forgive him and "this is it" but I have felt like that sooo many times over the years and I always take him back no matter what happens. What can I change this time to ensure that it does end this time.A

I am sorry that this post is so disjointed but I don't want to reveal too much personal stuff on a public forum but I would really appreciate any advice. There is no one I can really talk to about this in real life. To be honest they are sick of giving the advice of "get rid" and seeing me take him back again and again.

maria34

I got that book from local library myself so its worth to go and ask them.

Personally i got out after i found out im pregnant by that man. I didnt want my kids to see that and think its normal family life. Dont want my daughters to pick up that kind of men and suffer.

Merkin

Have you considered CBT? If you actually got to grips with fully understanding why you continue to repeat this cycle you may finally then be able to break it.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies. I think counselling is the way to go which I have had counselling in the past but never specifically around breaking up with him. Should I seek a specific relationship counsellor? I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow around something else but I am going to discuss the situation with him and hopefully he may be able to point me in the right direction.

Sunflower, your reply brought tears to my eyes and some things really hit home, thank you so much. I actually had ordered that book last week and it arrived this morning. I also ordered another one "How to break your addiction to a person" as I feel that it is like an addiction, and one I can't kick. I have heard great things about both books and hopefully they will be of help.

At the moment I need to block his number from texting me and calling me but I can't seem to take that step. I am answering his calls which are upsetting me. He has been smoking cannabis quite heavily the past few months, in his case cannabis use causes him to have severe paranoia and delusions and other mental health issues. Yesterday he accused me of things that are so outlandish and implausable that it actually left me reeling that someone could think of anyone they were supposed to love like that. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about what he might do particulary when he is on that stuff. I think a lot of my fear of splitting up is that he will never accept it being truely over.

To end, none of his children are close to him and one in particular hates him, and I don't use that word lightly. It is not a case of that he is good to them but not to me, he is not a good father. There is literally no reason in the world for me to return to this "relationship" and thousands of reasons to stay away......... When I think about it logically I feel like such a stupid person and bad mother that I (dragging our children with me) would keep going back this. He is absolutley no good for me or his children. And yet I know that there is part of me that will keep believing that he will change, even though he never does and deep down I know he never will.

I am heading up to bed now and am going to get stuck into "Women who love too much" ( leaving all internet enabled devices downstairs as they are a distraction!!) Hopefully it will help me get through this without going back yet again.

Love2u

LettingGo wrote: »

I am just wondering how to let go of somebody who I have been unable to let go in the past no matter what terrible things have happened. I was going to write a very long post detailing the history of my relationship but even 10,000 words would not be enough. To cut a long story short I have been in a relationship with my (ex) partner for the past 17 years. We have children together. When I look back I can see that it was a completely sick and codependant relationship from the very beginning. We broke up and got back together many times over the years. There were/are so many issues in our relationship I don't even know where to begin and there isn't enough space here to talk about them.

I keep thinking he will change but he never did/never does. How do I stop this cycle? I just want to be able to walk away and not feel inexplicably drawn back to someone who has abused me in just about every conceivable way......We have been living apart for the past 3 or so months but the relationship was never really "over". Today things came to a head. I don't want to get into details but I was left reeling and actually deeply saddened about how little respect he has for me and his children. How do I let go? Has anyone been through similar? (I have to say I am doubtful that anyone would stick around in a relationship like this for so long). Right now I feel that I'll never forgive him and "this is it" but I have felt like that sooo many times over the years and I always take him back no matter what happens. What can I change this time to ensure that it does end this time.

I am sorry that this post is so disjointed but I don't want to reveal too much personal stuff on a public forum but I would really appreciate any advice. There is no one I can really talk to about this in real life. To be honest they are sick of giving the advice of "get rid" and seeing me take him back again and again.

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. It's time to cut the ties for good this time. You want to set a good example for your children, if they see their dad continuously abuse their mum and their mum accepting it I would worry that when they grow up it could have an effect on them emotionally. It will be difficult at first but after things settle you wont know yourself and you will ask yourself why you ever put up with this man. The advice of getting books is great and there are great ones out there. If you can get counselling and are in a position to get it then that's another good option. Your children will have a much better, healthier life with this man out if their house. Maybe in time when he realises you never want him back he might start to show you respect and your precious innocent children respect. you deserve better. If you take this man back you are a door mat. And you will never be respected. Find books to change your ways and to heal from this vicious circle. Good luck, and things always work out, keep strong and have faith. Look forward to your new life.