Being prevented from travelling

LegacyUser

Feel pathetic for posting this seeing as i'm 24 years old but anyway, I've booked flights abroad to southeast asia alone for January. I still live at home with parents who are both skeptical of me going saying it's a very dangerous place (despite the fact neither have been there) I know it can be dodgy there but i'm assuming a bit of cop on and common sense and i'll be fine. anyway my grandmother (who is extremely old-fashioned) is completely against me going. She says I'm off my head for even thinking about going there alone. Sadly she can be very mean to my mother sometimes and I'm now being guilt tripped into cancelling the journey. I mentioned to my mother today that i'm still thinking about going (havent told her yet that flights are booked) and she says my grandmother won't let me go. Obviously this is ridiculous to suggest as she can't stop me from going, but I feel like if I do go my mother will spend the 10 weeks that i'm there getting grief from my grandmother and furthermore my relationship with my grandmother will become fractured (she's always been kind to me, regardless of her old-fashioned attitude). So should I travel still or just cancel the flights? I know i'm an adult but it's complicated when I'd feel guilty about my mother having to listen to my grandmother moan about it

Chara1001

Ok Op,

you HAVE to go, don't let anyone guilt you into staying- they've no right to do it, (even under the excuse of 'its too dangerous')- regarding danger- the best piece of advice i ever got was not to do anything i wouldn't do at home. But that's beside the point.

Your grandmother has no say in letting you go or not, your mum is just going to have to stand up to her as you are also to both of them.

GO, have the experience of a lifetime and DO NOT let your family prevent you.

Also- stop saying to your mum you're still thinking of it, tell her the flights are booked and the trip is definite. You haven't done anything bad, or out of order here. Time to tell them its not up to them


Best of luck and have a great time:) you lucky thing!

Grandpa Hassan

Go. For goodness sake. Ten weeks....trips like that come along only a handful of times in your whole life. Don't let anyone stop you from going. You'll meet a load of people and have some amazing experiences.

I think you just need to be bold and just tell everyone it's all booked and you're going.

Meauldsegosha

OP, regret the things you do not the things you don't. Go on the trip it will give your mother a chance to stand up to your grandmother and it will give you confidence and life experiences to handle her when you get back.

Good luck and enjoy your trip.

Markcheese

Pretty much what she said, and get the news out there quick that you've booked and paid for the tickets ,(and are going ), no point in trying to wait and see, or hold off telling them cause it'll be worse closer too... Tell them you'll be grand,to get over it...

Neyite

Where will it end, OP? If you capitulate to their wishes, and they get their way, then they will think that they know best, and will be more forthcoming the next time with their opinions on your life - a new job, a partner you bring home for the first time, a new car etc. At some point we have to cut the apron strings.

I'd wager that by your age, your grandmother certainly, and possibly your mother, were probably married with children - Adults. Adults who made their own decisions. It might be no harm to remind them of that.

All that is required here is "Too late, its booked, paid for and non refundable, and I have no intention of wasting that amount of money" said in a cheerful voice.

Pang

You have to go OP. You have to be assertive and head away on your holiday.

If you cave in to your family, then it will set a precedent for them to make future demands which may dictate the path in life you take.

tatli_lokma

How old is your granny OP? If she is over 70 then perhaps remind her that her generation and the one before lived through a war. Compared to the things she probably had to face at your age, a few months travelling is a walk in the park. She is probably just afraid of the unknown and worried for you.

Talk to her, explain how easy it is to keep in touch these days, explain you will keep her and your parents updated on your itinerary and that you won't be doing anything foolish or reckless. Maybe show her the places you want to visit and why - to her Asia is a far away place so different to what she knows she probably can't understand why you would even want to know there. She might even have preconceived notions of drugs and transsexuals and think you're going to end up in a prison after being conned into carrying drugs! Or she might only have memories of Vietnam and Korea from what she saw on tv years ago. Perhaps if she was more informed about where you are going she would understand your desire to go better.

She probably forgets that you are an adult now - you'll always be a child in her eyes to some extent.

And once you've explained and done your best to put her mind at ease, then just let her and your parents deal with it and live your life.

happyviolet

Go on the trip.
Do it if it make YOU happy, do it while you are still young and have enough free time too. You are an adult, your mother and grandmother frankly have no say in your life decisions. Try to also tell your mother to stand up for herself if your grandmother does give her grief.

Don't let other people control your decisions. I am 20 and all my life let people walk all over me and my life decisions, even though I had to respect THEIR life decisions, and now I am trying to adapt a more tougher attitude.

Seriously, I had the chance to go to on a trip abroad, I would take it in a heartbeat and not listen to anyone else and screw anyone else who gets in my way!

Daisy78

Asia is safer than Ireland imo. Your less likely to be clocked over the head by some drunken thug/stabbed/mugged or otherwise over there than here on any given day. It's a generational thing...you may as well have told them you were thinking of travelling to the moon. I still get funny looks from some relatives (young and old mind you) when I tell them about travel plans. Your an adult now op, they should know that too. As somebody else said where will all of this stop? Will they want more input into other aspects of your life if you give in on this ?You absolutely should go....and you will love every second of it.

Stavro Mueller

I agree with what the others have posted. You definitely have to stand your ground on this one or you're on a slippery slope. Point out to them that with modern technology you'll be able to stay in touch and let them know that you're OK.

Who knows? Maybe your gran will do a 180° turnabout and be very proud that you're travelling in Asia. Stranger things have happened.

Big Bag of Chips

Your mother is dominated by your gran, and you in turn are dominated by your mother AND your gran.

The status quo needs to be broken sooner rather than later. And you now have the perfect opportunity. Tell them. You'll be gone for 10 weeks where you'll be away from them giving out to each other about you. And then you will return in one piece with gifts and tales of your travel and your relationship with them will be changed!!

You are still the child to them. You have to adjust how you deal with them to teach them that you have moved from child to adult. Standing up to them and telling them you are going is your first step.

seamus

Your mother is a big girl. If she can't handle her own mother, that's her problem, not yours. You don't need to do anything just to prevent her getting an ear bashing.

Don't let your mother's weakness become yours. Do what you want to do. In fact at this stage if you weren't pushed about going, I would implore you to go on principle. Once the two ladies realise you "know your own mind" they'll learn to stop trying to change it.

Beruthiel

ShouldIGO wrote: »

I'd feel guilty about my mother having to listen to my grandmother moan about it

That's not your problem. It's your Mothers. As an adult herself, she can tell her mother to STFU.

You are not responsible for either of them or how they relate to each other.
You cannot live your life by the whim of your Grandmother.
The fact that you are giving it so much thought means you are quite under her thumb already.
Time to break free.

XMASSmrstobe

Asia is safe as houses once you keep valuables close. We travelled as a small group and met so many friends along the way. People are always uneasy of the unknown but don't let them guilt you into cancelling it. Think about it. I presume your self-financing the trip? If so, it's yours to spend. Would you regret not going? If so, than grin and bear the awarkward conversation. may be tell your granny that your mum has asked you not to go but that you want to and are an adult and so are off. That way it puts the blame on you? Also promise to email once a week (not great Internet so hard to do it more frequently if ur in remote areas)! :cool: god luck - jealous I'd love to go back!

miss no stars

I mean this in the nicest way possible - old people are stuck in their ways. Very, very few aren't. In your grandmother's eyes, you're still a child, and your mother is barely more than a young adult. That will NEVER change. Go travel. Your gran will get the hump for a while but she'll get over it. I'm sure she's had worse to get over.

NeonCookies

OP,

GO!!! Those who care about you will always have a hard time letting go, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Say firmly that the flights are booked, and that's that - do it sooner rather than later so they have to time to adjust to the idea. Maybe then sit down with your grandmother and your parents with some guide books and let them help you plan the itinerary. I agree with an earlier poster that all your grandmother may know about Asia are photos and stories from the Korean and Vietnam wars etc. so maybe seeing some of the things on offer there will be good for her! If they refuse to do this with you, and would rather sulk about it - well, you tried. Don't fight about it or get dragged into a back and forth.

Remember, your mother's her own person and she makes her own decisions. She decides to allow her mother control her in this way. It's your life, and you have to live it your way. The fact you've already booked these flights shows you want to do this. SO DO IT!!!

Koptain Liverpool

Tell your grandmother to mind her own bloody business. Expressing concern would be one thing but your grandmother 'not letting you go'??

Come on now OP you have to know that it's not normal at 24 years of age to be told what to do by your parents never mind your grandmother.

There should be no need to fall out with your mother or grandmother over this. Simply tell them your plans and get on with them (this counts for any plans you have in life, not just this trip).

LegacyUser

I would advise you to get some back bone and tell your mother/grandmother that you going to travel and that you can't cancel your tickets.

If you back out of going this is what will happen -
They will both tell you what to for the rest of your life - why take a job in x when you could work here. Why are you going out with that man when Jimmy (local man who only a mother could love) likes you.

Ask your self how would you feel in your 40's when you have done everything they wanted you to do?

One of my ex-friends mother has a strong personality. My ex-friend always did what Mammy wanted her to do. My ex-friend is still single, in a stressful job that she hates and is still living at home despite having a good job and the income/savings to buy a house.
Her free time is spent doing jobs for her mother and helping out other family members.
Her mother has complained to her for years about the fact that she could not met a man and get married like every other woman they seem to know.

At this stage you need to decided do you take the easy way and cancel your plans to suit them or do you stand up for yourself now so you can have get holiday, see new things, meet new people and have new experiences. Also once you come back from your travels your mother and grandmother will know that they can't plan out or make decisions in regards to your life.

Koptain Liverpool

lady lady wrote: »

I would advise you to get some back bone and tell your mother/grandmother that you going to travel and that you can't cancel your tickets.

No need to even mention this to your mother and grandmother. Your position should be that even if you could cancel the tickets you would not as you want to go on the trip!

hootyorear

Do It, you only have one life!

twiddleypop

I have posted in the Travel Forum about telling my parents I'm travelling and people have given me similar advice as here. Not one person would tell you not to see the world when you're young and have a few quid!

My aunty is a lot like your grandmother I would think and shes in her 80s. She called during the week and told me that I would be wasting 4 years of college by travelling and would I not get a job or do another year of college blah blah blah. The older generations are focused on career, settling down with a mortgage kids etc. There is so much more to life and there is plenty of time for all that at 24 if you want it! My parents are the same, they just can see why I would want to leave the parish and why I would want to go. They will never understand WHY you are going but they need to understand you ARE going and that's that. If you like it stay there as long as possible, if you don't come home simple as that.

Still, the family can really guilt you can't they? :rolleyes: Just remember they've had their life but this is yours. You only have one and will want to look back on yours with no regrets especially if travelling is your dream, like it is mine. At the end of the day, they love you and will miss you and will worry like crazy. As others have said though, Irish can be as dangerous as anywhere and point this out to them!

"Those who discourage others from following their dreams are those that have given up on their own"

Have a great time.

ABajaninCork

twiddleypop wrote: »

"Those who discourage others from following their dreams are those that have given up on their own"

What a great quote! OP - you should take note of this. Keep repeating it in your head. Maybe even quote it back to your Mum and Nan!

GO!!! And don't forget to send us a card!

MeMeJK1

Go! You will have an amazing experience and you will learn so much from it for life! Don't let anybody stop you. Send your family back home regular updates and photos so they can be reassured you are well and keep them updated about your adventures. That should make it easier on them and you will feel less guilty. But definitely go!