Keep bitching about people, how to stop?

LegacyUser

I hate this, but I keep self-sabtoging some friendships and connections with people.

I think it was because growing up, I was considered an outsider so I got hurt by some individuals who I would let myself be completely open to and be nice to, but some took advantage of that. So coming up to 5th year I found myself bitching about people behind their back and some did not really deserve it, but I think because I felt betrayed and humilated by this one particular person, I do it as a defence mechanism to myself, when they might do the littlest thing wrong and to show that I am not a doormat or a pushover.

I remember even a friend of mine introduced me to her cousin on a night out, and I ask her what her cousin thought of me, she said how during the night I let loose and relaxed so she thought I was nice, but she did notice how I had my guard up at the start, which is true, because when I meet new people, I talked to them and be nice to them, but I am afraid to keep contact or get to know them, because I am always afraid that if I let myself in too deep, that I might get hurt or rejected by them too.

I hate this because looking back, I ruined the chance of having some great friendships and I just really wished I just accepted some people for the way they were, or just to stop bitching about the littlest thing they do. Right now, i think, one friend has not talked to me much or invited me places because I bitched about a friend who I was not talking to at the time (we are talking now) and I think maybe she feels that I might do it to her again (I did it to her in the past and we did not talk for ages). Also she used to be friends with my friend too, so now I am afraid that she will go back and say it to her.

I just don't know what to do, because I am socially awkward so I don't have much friends to begin with, and then when 5th year came with all the drama with growing up and teasing, I just became defensive or something.

Im 20 now, and I just don't want to be like this when I go to college or get a job, but i don't know how I would feel if I just get hurt or rejected again. I just can't win, because people did not like the way I was too nice and quiet and awkward growing up, but then I show thsi side of me, they really don't like it.

Can someone help me please?

ivytwine

bitchyperson wrote: »

I think it was because growing up, I was considered an outsider so I got hurt by some individuals who I would let myself be completely open to and be nice to, but some took advantage of that. So coming up to 5th year I found myself bitching about people behind their back and some did not really deserve it, but I think because I felt betrayed and humilated by this one particular person, I do it as a defence mechanism to myself, when they might do the littlest thing wrong and to show that I am not a doormat or a pushover.

Hey OP.

First of all you are being quite hard on yourself. It's surprisingly easy to get caught up in bitching. I think of all us have got caught up in at one time or another. However, while it's ok to go to town on the traffic warden once in a blue moon, it's not ok to do it to people who are supposed to be your friends, as you know.

You were very young when this happened. I did something quite similarly horrible when I was that age (mine was in a horrendous email) and my friend forgave me eventually. But I was a different person back then and I bet you are too.

The first thing to do is not to berate yourself for what you did a number of years ago. We cannot always be the person we want to be all the time sadly.

bitchyperson wrote: »

I remember even a friend of mine introduced me to her cousin on a night out, and I ask her what her cousin thought of me, she said how during the night I let loose and relaxed so she thought I was nice, but she did notice how I had my guard up at the start, which is true, because when I meet new people, I talked to them and be nice to them, but I am afraid to keep contact or get to know them, because I am always afraid that if I let myself in too deep, that I might get hurt or rejected by them too.

I think a lot of people suffer from this, especially if they have had a difficult time in the past. However, there is a balance to be struck.There's no point in letting everyone know your deepest darkest secrets. Having your guard up isn't always a bad thing.

Time is not my friend at the min OP but I think it's important to say you're not the only person to feel like this. It's good that you have the self-awareness to recognise your failings. You can change, you're still so young.

LegacyUser

One thing I would say to you that it is good thing to know you may have a problem with bitching.
We have all bitched about people at some stage but you need to know when this is ok or not ok. A bitch with a friend you trust is fine but if they tell you something private don't spread it around thinking you will make other friends. Some people will be glad to meet you to get gossip but they will never become friends as they know anything they say to you will be told to other people.
I would follow the previous posts advice and get to know other people well before you have a bitch with them.
Being a little bit reserved when you first meet new people is not a bad idea.
Keep the conversation general ie clothes, the news, the weather or ask people the questions that you would be happy to answer yourself the 1st time you meet someone.