long distance Kerry > Dubai : I need to be with him

LegacyUser

I'm in a long distance relationship from Kerry to Dubai.

The plan WAS for me to go over there when he got the apartment sorted but the job fell through and he's going around looking for another one.

Now he's not got a place to live in, it's hotels and hostels all the way. He's talking about moving on to other countries now and I'm stuck here waiting.

His mother rang me the other day to tell me to stop giving him grief, he's on a personal journey now and I'm to give him the space and patience he needs to get through this.. I don't even know why she rang me, he's gone a month now and it's hard enough for me to be going through this separation, I don't even know if i'm going through a breakup.

He's added these girls on his facebook and he's talking about going to the places they've been (i looked at their facebooks and they have been to the countires he's on about but without saying they told him to go). So now I'm sitting here waiting on a phone call to tell me to book a flight and come over.

He said we will be together soon but he needs me to calm down and wait until he finds a job but to be honest he's just travelling around having a great time by the sounds of things. He's not looking for jobs. All I get is a measily "I miss u" message in my email now and then.

Is this a lost cause? Seriously after 2 years together with him I have doubts. He's been in touch 3 times by phone and a little more than that via email since he got there. I really don't know what to be thinking at this stage and he's giving me no time limits and no timeframes to look toward.

tatabubbly

Whao you poor think! I'm doing long distance atm as well and my OH is in the middle east as well..

Its really hard but we try to whatsapp each other/skype every few days. He was lucky enough to get a job and his first paycheck he bought my tickets to go to him.

Even if he is far away, he still has to make you a priority. Have you told him how you feel about everything? Clear communication should be key when in long distance.

His mother should stay out of your relationship, he's a grown man not 5 years old.

drunkmonkey

Sounds like he's just gone travelling KerryGirl....his mother seems to be involved as well...she might not be fighting your corner by the sounds of it.

I think you know what way it's looking....sorry but you put it up to him and find out for definite..

michael999999

Id be moving on if I were you, this lad is gone on a jaunt and has no intentions of bringing you over. He was cowardly enough to get he's mother to do the dirty work for him!

Merkin

kerrygirlinwaiting wrote: »

he's gone a month now and it's hard enough for me to be going through this separation, I don't even know if i'm going through a breakup.

Are you sure you haven't been dumped without realizing it?

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for the replies,

basically he's out of touch completely, his phone goes straight to voicemail but the text messages I send him are delivering, how is that possible? I'm not being some paranoid lunatic at home or anything but this went from a relationship where we were practically living together to a messy long distance thing that he's not invested in by the sounds of it.

The problem is i'm not even getting any answers, I've been prepared to let everything go here to go and be with him but he doesn't seem to be making any sort of advances.

I need answers, I can't concentrate on much else and i know this sounds really sad but it's true. How am I meant to? I've a feeling i've been completely messed around here.

I can't even get through to him, so how on earth am I meant to get any answers?

For some reason hearing that he's just not interested anymore is not working for me.

freshpopcorn

kerrygirlinwaiting wrote: »

I'm in a long distance relationship from Kerry to Dubai.

The plan WAS for me to go over there when he got the apartment sorted but the job fell through and he's going around looking for another one.

Now he's not got a place to live in, it's hotels and hostels all the way. He's talking about moving on to other countries now and I'm stuck here waiting.

His mother rang me the other day to tell me to stop giving him grief, he's on a personal journey now and I'm to give him the space and patience he needs to get through this.. I don't even know why she rang me, he's gone a month now and it's hard enough for me to be going through this separation, I don't even know if i'm going through a breakup.

He's added these girls on his facebook and he's talking about going to the places they've been (i looked at their facebooks and they have been to the countires he's on about but without saying they told him to go). So now I'm sitting here waiting on a phone call to tell me to book a flight and come over.

He said we will be together soon but he needs me to calm down and wait until he finds a job but to be honest he's just travelling around having a great time by the sounds of things. He's not looking for jobs. All I get is a measily "I miss u" message in my email now and then.

Is this a lost cause? Seriously after 2 years together with him I have doubts. He's been in touch 3 times by phone and a little more than that via email since he got there. I really don't know what to be thinking at this stage and he's giving me no time limits and no timeframes to look toward.

His job could have actually fallen through to be honest I have heard of this happening to people and unless he has something more secure he might not want put down a deposit on an apartment that he couldn't afford the rent on because he couldn't get work in that there. It would be madness in my opinion to rent an apartment some where he either wouldn't be happy living or he wouldn't have a secure job to pay the rent.
Have you made an effort to sort out a job OP? This could encourage him to settle down a bit. If he knows that you don't have a job he mightn't feel under to much pressure.
If he did make friends out there whats the problem with them suggesting countries he might prefer than Dubai or that might be easier to get work in. If he did go on the odd night out with the friends he made I don't really see the problem. He can't lock himself in a hostel room every night and become a hermit.
He might have mentioned to his mother that your giving him a bit of hassle to settle down and that he was actually finding it hard to find work and he was trying. A lot of guys might actually talk to their mothers because they know they can trust them.
Have you called him or were the three calls only ones ye had. Might I suggest Skype to you?
Sometimes moving to countries away from home and if the job you had falls through it can be hard to get another one. He could be looking for a jobs you don't have an proof he's not.
Long term relationships do work. Men in the military often have to spend months away from there wives/girlfriends/families. Since the start of the recession. Some people who were married/in long term relationships/ had families had to emigrate and leave their loved ones behind and they might only get to see them once or twice a year and the relationships last. So long distance relationships do work,

Merkin

kerrygirlinwaiting wrote: »

I can't even get through to him, so how on earth am I meant to get any answers?

Sometimes answers or "closure" is overrated. All the signs point to you being dumped but unfortunately he failed to let you know. If he was in a committed relationship with you and was missing you and anxious for you to join him I think he'd be in touch with you regularly telling you that. The infrastructure in the UAE is the same as Ireland so it's not like he's in some underdeveloped county where lines of communication could be tenuous at best.

For whatever reason it looks like this trip to Dubai is being viewed as a clean break by him - especially when he's getting his mother to phone you to tell you to back off. I'd consider myself single if I were you. Also, are you sure that the decision for you to move over and undertake this adventure was a truly joint one?

Czarcasm

kerrygirlinwaiting wrote: »

basically he's out of touch completely, his phone goes straight to voicemail but the text messages I send him are delivering, how is that possible?

There's only one way this happens OP, and you're not going to like it-

You can set your phone to divert specific numbers to voicemail, yet still allow for texts to come through from that number.

From all the information you've given, it sounds like he just doesn't want to talk to you, and doesn't want to tell you directly that your relationship as far as he's concerned is over.

Big Bag of Chips

Czarcasm wrote: »

There's only one way this happens......
You can set your phone to divert specific numbers to voicemail, yet still allow for texts to come through from that number.

That's not the only way. You can set your phone to divert ALL calls to voicemail. But can still receive texts. It is very expensive to accept calls when you are abroad, and I always divert calls when I'm away. People can still contact me through text.

I think posters are really jumping the gun here. A poster posted here in the last couple of weeks, saying his gf was gone abroad and was not keeping in touch. The replies were "you're at home in the same routine, she's away meeting new people, going out... it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you etc".

OP, your situation is slightly different in that you are expecting to go out to him. But that doesnt change the fact that he is out somewhere different. He is meeting new people, making friends, contacts etc. Life is very different for him at the minute than it is for you. You are sitting here, waiting for something to happen. He is out there, also waiting for something to happen, maybe looking for things, changing plans because things haven't worked out etc.. BUT he is enjoying himself and the experience while he is trying to figure out what to do next.

I really don't see the problem. I'm confused though if you really, really want to be with him, why are you not out there? Why are you not both doing the hostel thing? It would be very easy for him to get caught up in the experience and let days/weeks go by without organising himself. A day at home waiting is going to feel a lot longer than a day away, experiencing a new country.

If you want to go out, you need to start trying to sort out your own arrangements. If both of you are working on it, rather than just one of you, you have a better chance of finding something sooner than later.

I think it's a bit of a leap to say you've been dumped.

ivytwine

Whether or not you've been dumped I feel like that this guy is not as invested in you as you are in him.

Take back the control from him. If you want to go travelling, make your own arrangements, don't wait for him.

I think his behaviour is pretty odd and disrespectful and if I was you, I'd be walking. I could be wrong but that's how I feel about it.

Big Bag of Chips

What's he like to organise things, in general?

Czarcasm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

That's not the only way. You can set your phone to divert ALL calls to voicemail. But can still receive texts. It is very expensive to accept calls when you are abroad, and I always divert calls when I'm away. People can still contact me through text.

I know where you're coming from BBOC, but if I was in an LTR and the other person's mother called me to say her son was "on a personal journey and I need to back off and give him space", then looking on FB the guys having the time of reilly while I only get a few miserable texts and the odd "still miss u" e-mail...

That to me would be screaming "I'm keeping my options open, I'd feel too guilty telling you it's over and I'm hoping you'll make the first move". I know you'll say it's still a leap, but it's not entirely an illogical one, especially nowadays when there are so many ways to communicate on the go for free like FB, Skype, Viber...

Of course I could understand the guys head might be melted trying to sort out accommodation and jobs for himself first, but the whole "personal journey, back off and give him space", the sporadic contact and the lack of commitment after two years together, I'd be considering my options back home tbh and let him off on his, ahem, "personal journey".

freshpopcorn

Czarcasm wrote: »

I know where you're coming from BBOC, but if I was in an LTR and the other person's mother called me to say her son was "on a personal journey and I need to back off and give him space", then looking on FB the guys having the time of reilly while I only get a few miserable texts and the odd "still miss u" e-mail...

He mightn't haven't asked the mother to talk to the girlfriend to be honest. The mother might have just said it to the girlfriend because she could feel her/knew son was under pressure with trying to get things sorted out and she didn't want him to be under even more pressure from the girlfriend.
If you look at anybodies facebook page and see them out in a bar the odd night people or going some where for the day of course you could say he's having the time of Reilly but he's hardy going put how he's really feeling on facebook. Remember nobody know's how this guy feels behind closed doors!

Big Bag of Chips

Czarcasm wrote: »

"on a personal journey, back off and give him space",

That's coming from his mother though! I'd still be waiting to hear from him.

OP, I really doubt he rang his mother, and said those exact words to her, and asked her to pass on the message to you! He may have told her that you are disappointed that the job fell through and he hasn't found a place to live yet. She could have taken this to mean that you are on his back while he is trying to find his feet in a foreign country. She mightn't take perceived criticism of her darling offspring too well

Look, we don't know what's going on. You don't know exactly what's happening, you seem a bit insecure of the fact that he's made a few female friends... Has he made any male friends?

It is possible he has gone to all this effort to dump you, it is equally possible he's trying to sort out stuff in the background, while also enjoying being away....

The only way you can sort it out is by talking to him, be that through email or Skype, or whatever. It can't be a phone call because it is too expensive. So any calls will probably be cut short by him. Not because he's trying to avoid you, but because he doesn't want to be spending a fortune on calls!

Good luck to you.. but when you're left behind it is very easy to imagine the worst. I hope that's not the case.

Czarcasm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

He mightn't haven't asked the mother to talk to the girlfriend to be honest. The mother might have just said it to the girlfriend because she could feel her/knew son was under pressure with trying to get things sorted out and she didn't want him to be under even more pressure from the girlfriend.
If you look at anybodies facebook page and see them out in a bar the odd night people or going some where for the day of course you could say he's having the time of Reilly but he's hardy going put how he's really feeling on facebook. Remember nobody know's how this guy feels behind closed doors!

Which is exactly why he should be talking to his girlfriend and letting her be there for him to support him and clue her in on exactly what he's going through.

She's surely entitled to that much after two years rather than having to hear it from his mother that she needs to leave him alone.

freshpopcorn

Czarcasm wrote: »

Which is exactly why he should be talking to his girlfriend and letting her be there for him to support him and clue her in on exactly what he's going through.

She's surely entitled to that much after two years rather than having to hear it from his mother that she needs to leave him alone.

The guy might have went there and his job fell through, he knows he might be able to find another job but he might want to try and make friends who might be able to help him work or know of a place where it could easier for him to get it.

He might have mentioned it to the mother and she just felt the need of her own accord to tell the girlfriend leave my son do his own thing and let him sort things out because he is under enough pressure all ready with his job falling through without having the hassle of you bothering him.

In my opinion I think OP should be trying to find work as well and telling the boyfriend this because she is not out there with him he could be of the opinion is she really interested of she'snot making an effort to come out here.

CaraMay

You do know you need a job to live in Dubai and you would not be permitted to live with hum unless married.

Dubai has an amazing social scene and a lot of v beautiful people. I suspect he saw all the talent over there and isn't so sure now about bringing the gf over

Tell the mother to butt out and personally I would just assume it over. He is certainly acting that way and on the flipside would you really want to be with someone capable of treating you like this.

Lorna123

I would quit contacting him and see how long it takes for him to contact you with something positive. You will then know where you stand.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for the replies.

He has a phone over there. It's a local phone, he got it on the first day he arrived apparently so there's not much ado about costs on that front, and I was calling him so again expenses curbed.

I was told after the job fell through that it's not going to be Dubai by the looks of things and he's looking to move on to other countries (2 countries given in the example which have nothing to do with each other in terms of common grounds).

He told me not to look for work until closer to the date that I'm leaving so I can arrange interviews closer to my flight date. But that was over 2 months ago when we discussed this properly. Everything is shady. Nothing makes any sense now. He didn't keep his word about anything at all.

He's usually quite organised in general and tends to know what he wants to do, for some reason he's all over the place now: It screams either affair or grass is greener etc. I don't care. At this rate I want a black and white answer: I will not blame him for not wanting me there with him so long as he's honest.

I kept my word on everything: I gave up my apartment and sold my car (that I was fond of) and moved back in with my parents (difficult after many years) : He told me before he left that I was going to be joining him very shortly so I got everything done pretty quickly to make sure things went smoothly. Then as soon as the job fell through he told me "don't give in your notice, don't say anything to anyone, keep this under wraps"

I'm in a bad way to be honest, his silence and lack of response is really really annoying me.

I'll take your advice and not call him or look for him online.

When he does ring I'll let him do the talking and see what he has to say. I suspect the next call will be the breakup call anyway. After ignoring me and avoiding me completely I'm painting a picture with all of this.

If I'm wrong, which I hope I am, well then there'll have to be an explanation for this madness..

LegacyUser

Also just to add to previous: I was not allowed go with him. He told me I had to arrive later so that he could get settled and find out what the situation was over there with everything. I was expressly disallowed from going at the same time as him. It's his rules apparently

Merkin

You need a work visa if you propose to work in Dubai. It would also be illegal for the two of you to cohabit when not married. I find it very odd that he would arrive in Dubai, paperwork to be processed and then for it to fall through. It's also not that easy just to land in Dubai and get a job. Where is he proposing to move to now? My instinct is telling me that a. He is leading you a merry dance or b. you were under the misapprehension that you were part of his plans. Either way I really don't think this bodes well, his silence would be a matter of grave concern. Have you sent him a message on Facebook? You get a notification time of when your message has been seen. I still think it looks bad but if you want confirmation tat you're being ignored then maybe that's the approach to take?

Just an afterthought, did you sell your car etc to help fund his trip?