Devastated

LegacyUser

My very long term boyfriend told me last night he kissed someone else during the week. I sensed something was up with him and when he told me it was a shock but I had thought that was what he was hiding. It's never happened before.
He's told me, and also that this girl who is also in a very LT relationship have to clear their heads and that it can't carry on.
Im clinging to the fact he was honest enough to tell me even when she said not to, but I'm devastated that it's not just as simple for him to move on; he wants to talk to her and see what they should do. Distraught. Ive told him matter of factly that he knows how I feel about us but that i do not want to feel like some consolation prize.
I guess I just need some advice. Ive called in sick for the morning but have to face the office later. I'm break into tears if someone looks at me sideways nor can I eat, I feel sick.

fungun

hmm, ok lets assume you have a good reln.

1. Mistake made, kisses someone. Forgivable in my book as everyone makes mistakes
2. Tells you, is honest, feels crap. Tick mark for honesty
3. He wants to talk to her and see what they should do. Eeeehhhhh, what the hell. You talk to your gf, apologise profusely, and do what it takes to regain her trust....she shouldnt even be part of this discussion unless she means something to him, in which case this is a far bigger deal than a mistaken kiss.

Big Bag of Chips

SoLongSaigon wrote: »

He's told me, and also that this girl who is also in a very LT relationship have to clear their heads and that it can't carry on.

.... he wants to talk to her and see what they should do.

This is obviously something that has been brewing between them for a long time. The fact that he said "it can't carry on"?? Would make me believe that they have both wanted it to happen for a long time, and finally gave in.

He wants to talk to her and see what they should do???

What does that mean? Are they going to decide whether they want to be together or not? Why should you be waiting around for him to decide with her "what they should do"?

As you said yourself, and I don't mean to be harsh, but that really does make you sound like the consolation prize. It's like he's saying, if she doesn't want to finish with her bf, he'll stay with you.

It sounds like they're both a bit flattered by each other. And the idea of someone else is a bit exciting to both of them. It doesn't mean you can't sort your relationship out - but he has to be 100% in it. If he's not, then I think you're doing yourself no favours waiting for them to talk to each other and decide what they are going to do. That is very degrading and disresepctful to you.

Lorna123

This is not a simple case of "in the heat of the moment I kissed someone but it will never happen again". He has told you as if to warn you that there might be more of the same coming up in the future so be prepared. I just think his whole attitude of having to talk to her to see what they are going to do is hard to believe. How about asking himself what you are going to do given this information !!. I would contact him straight away if it were me and tell him to get lost.

Merkin

Oh dear. A kiss you might be able to get over but this has obviously been brewing for a while. Terms like "it can't carry on" and seeing what "they" should do would suggest an emotional affair on a deeper level which culminated in the recent kiss.

It's all very well coming clean about it but this issue of him expecting you to wait in the wings while he and this other girl decide what the next steps for them are sounds a bit bloody rich tbh.

Have you asked him what he wants to talk to her about and why? Maybe you also need to ask him the very difficult question of whether he actually sees a future with her or not. You poor thing, what a terrible situation to be in.

LegacyUser

Sorry, I know how that sounded, and it's taken me all day to reply as he came home from work shortly after leaving and said he realised it was stupid of him to say such a thing and that he told her this was stopping. Thing is,this hasn't been going on and on contrary to what ye think as she's not been with the company long (a month now and leaving in two weeks, short term contract). We've been talking all day in between crying.
We've agreed that neither of us are as happy as we'd like in our relationship so that needs work and 8 years is too long an investment to just chuck away and we havent actually tried doing anything to improve it given stress/events over the past while.
Still feel **** though, just wished he'd come home and said 'Im sorry Ive kissed someone' rather than 'Im sorry Ive kissed someone and I need time to think'
Thanks for replies.
Snotty mess today

CaraMay

Do you not think you should be taking the time to think? Imho you don't go down the route of kissing someone unless you are v unhappy in your relationship and on too of that to have to think about it. Don't be his second best.