Feeling ignored by boyfriend.

What can I do

Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for two years; we are in our early-mid-twenties.

In the past few months I have been feeling more and more ignored by my boyfriend. He loves playing computer games/Xbox etc. whereas I have zero interest in them. I have never had any interest them, however I do understand that my bf loves playing them, and I have no problem with him playing them. The only issues I have with my boyfriend playing them is

• It’s affecting our sex life
• I feel ignored
• He plays them too often (in my opinion, although I could be totally wrong and it could be these issues influencing my opinion on how often he plays).

So for the past few months he seems to be playing them more and more and as a result our sex life is pretty non-existent and I am left feeling ignored. Any attempt to talk about it ends up in a row and my bf saying I am overreacting or being ridiculous. Maybe he is right, I don’t know.

For the first year of our relationship we would have sex maybe 5-6 times a week, then after our first year, it became less, but not much less, maybe 3-4 times a week and in the past few months (since maybe November) it seems to have gone to nothing, once a month maybe, sometimes less. Is this normal for a young couple in their twenties who’ve been together two years? I can’t even remember the last time we had sex. We always joke about having sex etc. but it never happens.

I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have been lying in bed, alone, while my bf is downstairs playing the Xbox. Only last week he came to bed after 2am and said “I’m sorry for staying downstairs as long as I did playing the Xbox” and I thought to myself “if you were really sorry you wouldn’t have done it at all”.

So yesterday it came to a head and my bf said “we’ll have sex tonight” (we’ve been saying this to each other for the past few weeks, yet not had sex) and of course I go up to bed, he follows maybe 20 minutes later and gets into bed and says something along the lines of “do you want sex?” and I just said “it’s not an event, you can’t just schedule it” my reason for thinking and saying this is – when we got together first sex would just happen, but now it doesn’t. It feels as if I am second best to these games and he prefers them over me. It hurts so much.

I have lost count of how many nights I have spent lying in bed crying just waiting for him to come up and then when he does he just goes to sleep.

I am unemployed and my bf works so sometimes during the week I will stay at his (I live at home with parents, he doesn’t) and he will drop me home in the morning, so this particular morning he was up earlier than normal and was getting ready etc., so about 8.15am he said to me (as I hadn’t got out of bed yet, and all I had to do was throw on my clothes (I was getting showered etc. at home), he said “you have all day to lie in bed, I have to go to work, you have nothing to do so you can spend all day sleeping” – which is not true, my mum works full time so I do plenty of house work etc. I don’t sit around all day doing nothing and I don’t lie in either, every day Mon-Fri I am up at 8-8.30am and I go to bed at a normal time each night so I don’t sit up until the early hours and then stay in bed until noon the next day. The only days I lie in at the weekends and then I get up between 10-11am.

I felt very hurt, insulted and upset by what he said. I don’t choose to be unemployed, I have just completed a training course and two work placements, I have applied for jobs and applied to recruitment agencies so it’s not like I don’t want to work. I have even applied to the Social Welfare to do voluntary work until I do secure paid employment.

We’ve had a few issues before and always worked through them, so I know we can work through this, and we want to, I just need to make my bf see that his Xbox/games etc. are interfering with our relationship.

He has another game that he sometimes plays on his desktop, which is in his bedroom, so often he would go upstairs and I would either be downstairs alone or else I’d be sitting on his bed on my laptop while he’s playing a game and talking to others he’s playing with through his headset.

It got to the point a few weeks ago where I ended up walking out of his house to go home and him ringing me asking to come back and talk, so I did, and magically, he was able to turn it off so we could talk, yet any other time it’s “I can’t turn it off or stop, I’m in the middle of a game”. Today his phone rang while he was playing the Xbox and I asked if he would answer it and all I got was “I can’t, I’m playing a game, I can’t answer it.”

He plays the Xbox most days, the only time he doesn't play it is when he is at my house (we have no games consoles).

I really don’t know what to do anymore, so any advice is appreciated.

Czarcasm

I would suggest OP that you leave him playing his games and walk away and find someone else. It certainly doesn't sound like things are going to get any better for you and there's only so much you can flog a dead horse before you have to accept that it's not coming back to life and you have to move on.

You're both in your early 20's, have no commitments together, yet you're living like a retired old couple that have no sex life. That's not right when you're only young. It might be suiting your boyfriend, but when you're not happy with the situation it's time to leave while you're still young enough to do so rather than stay and hope against hope that it's going to improve when only one of you sees anything wrong.

LegacyUser

Oh OP, I totally and completely know where you're coming from. I read your post and I could identify with most of it.

My partner is the same but yours and my situation would be a little different. We live together and both worked until I went on sick leave and then maternity leave last year. I was quite sick during my pregnancy and was immobile and housebound alone all day Monday to Friday for months and he would come home and talk to me for an hour or so and spend the rest of the time on the playstation. I was so isolated and lonely during that time and I felt so unloved and unsupported during that time it affects me still. I have explained it to him many times and he never understood. He recently told me he understands now how hard it was for me but I don't really think he does. We have a 1 year old now and while I put her to bed he sits upstairs and has at least an hour on the playstation at least 6 nights a week. It's a constant source of strain and resentment between us but he just ignores how it makes me feel.

I hate and detest that bloody console. Ironically I bought it as a birthday present and if I could take it back I would. I think he has an addiction and he has described it as his escape. He switches off and spends hours and hours of his life playing games and not interacting in real life.

I don't really have much to add but I wanted you to know you aren't the only one who deals with this. I think it's an addiction on his part and if an addict doesn't want to change, you can't make them. My thoughts are with you, it's a lonely life

girl2

Totally agree with poster above. My sister lives with a chap and its the exactly the same. He is constantly on the xbox…I do believe he is totally addicted. Real life passes him by…he will even book a week off work when a new game is due for release so he can play the whole time. Total madness.

Personally speaking, I couldn't deal with his at all.

You deserve better OP.

Mozzeltoff

A mate of mine was in a similar position as yours OP. She was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. As she said herself the relationship was fine for the first year and a half but he bought himself a PS3 and it went all down hill from there! No matter how much she talked to him or tried to get him away from the blasted thing it would result in a blistering row! She went so far as to take the fuse out of the plug of the PS3 and he found out and went ballistic. In the end she had enough and walked away from him. And I think I would advise you do the same.

Merkin

I think you're wasting your time on this. His first and seemingly only priority is the Xbox. And the addiction must be pretty bad as I don't in all honesty know many men in their 20s who'd sacrifice an active sex like for computer games. If anything it sounds like you're merely getting in the way (from his perspective). I'd be cutting him loose if I were you.

Stavro Mueller

We’ve had a few issues before and always worked through them, so I know we can work through this, and we want to, I just need to make my bf see that his Xbox/games etc. are interfering with our relationship.

Sorry OP but I find it hard to buy this. I'd say if you broke up with your boyfriend he'd barely notice you were gone. You've tried discussing the issue with him and he says you're over-reacting. You tried walking out on him and it didn't work either, did it? He doesn't sound like he even likes you these days.

Calhoun

So as a gamer and someone who's in a relationship let me try give you some perspective from my side .

What would you do if this was football with the lads ect ? This is a hobby just because it can be done from the house doesn't mean that it's any less so. This doesn't mean he has the right to ignore you all the time but it does mean you have the right to discuss with him about spending time between you both .

Here's some advice if you want to spend planned together time sitting watching soaps then expect him to lose interest . I hate the double standard how its ok to watch crap like faircity and eastenders back to back but not ok to play games . So If you want to do something together then plan something you both like doing.

As for the lack of sex who initiates it ? If your waiting for him I'm not sure why is suggest taking the lead .

Your example of what happened recently and you going to bed crying hints that communication is a key problem in your relationship . I'd recommend you have a clear idea of what you want out of the relationship and sit down discuss where you both want to go from here . Don't make the gaming taboo but make sure you are planning time together.

Hope I've articulated my points well doing it on mobile so can't see original post or my previous paragraphs, essentially what in saying is the gaming is a smokescreen , there are bigger problems there .

strandroad

It's worse than football with the lads because with excessive gaming he can abandon her in their own house. No one plays football every day until so late that the partner is already in bed.

She said nothing about soaps? And why should she organise their time and compete for his attention if he so clearly doesn't care? Relationships are two way streets. It's not about one partner making all the effort while the other is for all purposes absent.

Calhoun

mhge wrote: »

It's worse than football with the lads because with excessive gaming he can abandon her in their own house. No one plays football every day until so late that the partner is already in bed.

She said nothing about soaps? And why should she organise their time and compete for his attention if he so clearly doesn't care? Relationships are two way streets. It's not about one partner making all the effort while the other is for all purposes absent.

I agree it's a two way street but that goes both ways , I used an example of soaps as more often than not that's a double standard that's used. My point is it takes two of them to make it work and they both have to answer why the relationship is the way it is .

Anyway my feedback is another perspective, you don't have to agree with it as it's not for your benefit its for the op .

fungun

Sorry i have to put up a counterpoint here - nowhere in your post do you say you have spoken to him about this. He may not realise what a big deal this is for you. To back up my counterpoint I was a bit similar to your bf....genuinely would have said my gf always comes first but games were for zoning out when tired....but that leaked to doing it most evenings. I didnt see an issue as felt if she really wanted me to play less she would have made it more obvious than she did, and also felt that if she ever actually wanted me to do sth else, i would. She felt she was 'hinting' to do things whereas I hadnt picked up on it

For example this paragraph:

So yesterday it came to a head and my bf said “we’ll have sex tonight” (we’ve been saying this to each other for the past few weeks, yet not had sex) and of course I go up to bed, he follows maybe 20 minutes later and gets into bed and says something along the lines of “do you want sex?” and I just said “it’s not an event, you can’t just schedule it” my reason for thinking and saying this is – when we got together first sex would just happen, but now it doesn’t. It feels as if I am second best to these games and he prefers them over me. It hurts so much.

This reads to me like a typical communication issue. You were both saying 'we'll have sex tonight', you go to bed, he comes up...offers sex and you get annoyed. I mean you were both doing something fairly similar in scheduling it, so in his situation im not sure Id have understood your annoyance with him, as it looked like thats what you were trying to do.

There are both sides and Im sure there are things he should be doing better.... but rather than the 'dump him, you deserve better' answer, how about you talk to him and really tell him how you feel. Tell him u dont want him to have to stop gaming, but you feel its pushing you to #2 in his life

strandroad

fungun wrote: »

Sorry i have to put up a counterpoint here - nowhere in your post do you say you have spoken to him about this. He may not realise what a big deal this is for you.

I understood that they did speak:

It got to the point a few weeks ago where I ended up walking out of his house to go home and him ringing me asking to come back and talk, so I did, and magically, he was able to turn it off so we could talk

but it didn't help.

fungun

fungun wrote: »

Sorry i have to put up a counterpoint here - nowhere in your post do you say you have spoken to him about this.

More than once.

Any attempt to talk about it ends up in a row and my bf saying I am overreacting or being ridiculous.

fungun

ok sorry kinda missed that bit, however i would add:

Any attempt to talk about it ends up in a row

you need to find a way to discuss it reasonably, where you can make your point without it escalating. And also make him realise how serious you see this issue....as you say above, when you walked out he switched it off.

He does need a kick in the ass, but i dont think its a 'break up' situation....you just need to really get it into his head how important this is to you

What can I do

Thanks for your replies everyone, I appreciate you taking the time.

Calhoun wrote: »

Here's some advice if you want to spend planned together time sitting watching soaps then expect him to lose interest . I hate the double standard how its ok to watch crap like faircity and eastenders back to back but not ok to play games . So If you want to do something together then plan something you both like doing.

As for the lack of sex who initiates it ? If your waiting for him I'm not sure why is suggest taking the lead .

I barely watch TV, I don't watch soaps, haven't watched them for years.

The only time I watch TV is when I'm in my bf's house and he is either upstairs, in another room or watching videos on his laptop, I don't watch TV any other time and I certainly wouldn't expect him to sit through TV shows with me if he had no interest in them, just as I have no interest in the Xbox/games consoles and don't expect to have to sit through hours of it each day.

My bf does play other sports which I have no problem with, because they don't interfere with our relationship and because we can plan around them (they are GAA sports). So it's not that I have a problem with him having hobbies or time with the lads etc.

Maybe his gaming is an addiction. I don't know.

fungun wrote: »

Sorry i have to put up a counterpoint here - nowhere in your post do you say you have spoken to him about this.

I have tried talking to him, more than once. Talking is the first option I would take, this thread is a last resort as I needed advice from outsiders on how to handle the situation as talking wasn't working.

fungun wrote: »

There are both sides and Im sure there are things he should be doing better.... but rather than the 'dump him, you deserve better' answer, how about you talk to him and really tell him how you feel. Tell him u dont want him to have to stop gaming, but you feel its pushing you to #2 in his life

I have told him this that I don't want him to stop completely, but to limit the time he plays.

fungun wrote: »

you need to find a way to discuss it reasonably, where you can make your point without it escalating. And also make him realise how serious you see this issue....as you say above, when you walked out he switched it off.

He does need a kick in the ass, but i dont think its a 'break up' situation....you just need to really get it into his head how important this is to you

I have tried talking reasonably, talking is the first thing I tried, but he says I am overreacting and being ridiculous.

A few weeks ago I said to him "is the xbox to you like make up to me? only I don't force you to watch beauty shows all the time?" and he said "oooh you got a good dig in" - I wasn't trying to dig, I was trying to make a point that even though I love make up, beauty* etc. I don't watch beauty shows or any of that crap and let it come between us, I know he has no interest in it, so therefore I don't talk to him about it, and don't force him to watch TV shows etc.

*I have other interests other than make up. I don't spend my time dolling myself up to the nines etc.

I have sent him a link to this thread. I will try talking once more and see, hopefully we can work it out, but if not at least I tried.

ivytwine

OP so what if you did spend all day dolling yourself to the nines? I really dislike the belittling of traditionally 'female' pursuits such as beauty and fashion as unimportant, I don't think sport is that important in the grand scheme of things, because, really, are any of our hobbies 'important'?

I was once in your shoes, my ex was obsessed with Halo back in the day, I would call around (having been invited, which was the annoying thing) only to be left sitting there in the sitting room to be totally ignored. I could have done a striptease and I doubt he would have noticed.

We broke up eventually, young and naive, but I think now I'd just go off and read a book or do anything else rather than sitting there watching him playing games. I enjoy playing games myself but watching someone else is pretty boring!

I think for me the remarks about you being unemployed is probably worse than the game stuff. There's some serious disrespect there. I can imagine that's a very sensitive subject for you and for him to be so rude is just not on.

You need to have a discussion with him. If he continues not to listen, hit the road with your dignity intact.

Calhoun

I barely watch TV, I don't watch soaps, haven't watched them for years.

The only time I watch TV is when I'm in my bf's house and he is either upstairs, in another room or watching videos on his laptop, I don't watch TV any other time and I certainly wouldn't expect him to sit through TV shows with me if he had no interest in them, just as I have no interest in the Xbox/games consoles and don't expect to have to sit through hours of it each day.

My bf does play other sports which I have no problem with, because they don't interfere with our relationship and because we can plan around them (they are GAA sports). So it's not that I have a problem with him having hobbies or time with the lads etc.

Maybe his gaming is an addiction. I don't know.

Exactly OP, i think you both need to spend time doing something meaningful with your down time. Is there things you both like doing that you could do instead?

One of the harder things i found in my relationship was learning how to kinda normalize a routine. You can't always go out and spend money on things to have fun so sometimes its acceptable to just sit around and veg out or do your own thing. As much as you both need to be able to do stuff together you have to be able to do stuff on your own.

As for having you watch him play, now that is disrespectful. It is like watching paint dry sitting beside someone gaming. Especially if he is using voice comms, it sounds so unpleasant. I would take a guess if hes playing so much hes in some sort of clan and has set matches. I think he should be able to structure some time with you around them just like you do with his sport.

Additionally i know you don't like him staying up later but i do that sometime as it means i can game in peace and not impact on our time together (i am a night owl and hate going to bed early). This could be an acceptable time for him to play if hes just casually messing around.

I hope you guys work it out, you do have a point op but i suppose your issue is not solely the gaming console but your at that hump in your relationship where the honeymoon period is over and your both trying to figure out how to interact.