Reconsidering my relationship

LegacyUser

Recently a few things have been bothering me and I didn't really know how else to get it off my chest or who to ask for advice, so thanks in advance for any replies.
My boyfriend has a very fulfilling social life and tons of friends, unfortunately I'm the complete opposite. I'm a loan parent living with my own parents in the middle of nowhere. I'm unemployed and have very little money. My social life is very limited and have very few people who I can count as friends.
I left an abusive relationship 2 and a half years ago and suffer from low self esteem and bad depression.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, we are both the same age, in our early twenties. I'm finding it very difficult when he goes out enjoying himself and having fun with all his friends which is pretty much all the time. He is never alone and is a happy, fun loving guy and totally trustworthy I must add!

Hearing about all his adventures and fun he has and the plans he is making make me feel awfully lonely, depressed and isolated in my life. I understand this is completely my own issue and is not his problem at all.
I feel awful because I become so cold with him when I'm feeling bad.

A few weeks ago we were talking about contraception. He is very careful and always uses a condom even though I am on other contraception. I have no issue with condom use but he was saying how he is so careful about it because a child would ruin his plans for the future.

He was saying how he plans on travelling for a year or so after finishing his degree and that he might do a follow up course after that. The line of work he eventually wants to get into will take him to England at least if not further afield.
So basically I don't seem to feature in his future plans at all. I can't just up and travel with him with a young child, which ties back into how he was saying a pregnancy would be a disaster.
I honestly thought he was more serious about me, so much so that I introduced him to my daughter in the last few months and they get on like a house on fire and he is great with her.
I already fear my daughter is getting attached and I am so worried that he will just disappear from her life to do his own thing.

I'm seriously reconsidering the whole relationship now. I am upset at the thought of breaking up but I don't know what else to do.....

moochers

Hey there OP. Its obvious from your post that you're feeling down, and when we feel low we can make hasty decisions. I think you are projecting way into the future, when you should just take one day at a time. You seem to be investing an awful lot into this relationship,when I really think the most important thing you should be focusing on is yourself. Are there any groups you can join in order to make new friends. Does your local college do any courses that start in September that you would be interested in.
You and your bf are still very young and he is doing what every other guy his age is doing, I wouldn't take his comment re: not having a child, to heart. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, he is being honest and I commend ye both for being responsible.
BTW maybe you should look into counseling regarding your last relationship as it probably has affected your self worth and confidence.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your honest reply.
I have been going to counselling but I am being referred to another counsellor for more specialised help at the moment.
I am actually starting a degree course in September, but the idea of it is very stressful for me as I will be there just to study. I won't have time for making friends as I will have to travel an hour each way to college from home everyday. Most people will be younger than me and I most likely will have nothing in common with the average college student anyway.

It is very hard for me to be with someone who is living life to the full while I'm stuck home with controlling parents all the time. My boyfriend and I are at completely different phases of our lives and I am second guessing how compatible we really are.
My biggest worry is for my daughter. I don't want someone who she is starting to see as a father figure to walk out of her life.
I want to pull her back from the relationship but honestly without a babysitter my time with my boyfriend will be so limited I don't know if there is any point in continuing.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you said any of this to him? Have you sat down and had a serious conversation with him about your relationship. You need to do this. He is not wrong to not want another child. To his credit, he is actually being very honest with you... You are just not being as honest with him.

Sit down with him and have the talk. It will be difficult. It will be upsetting, and it may even end up with you breaking up... But it's a talk that needs to be had now at this stage.

You both have different priorities. It doesn't mean it can't work out, but it will take extra work... You just need to find out if you are both willing to make it work.

Paddy Cow

Confusedgf wrote: »

I am actually starting a degree course in September, but the idea of it is very stressful for me as I will be there just to study. I won't have time for making friends as I will have to travel an hour each way to college from home everyday. Most people will be younger than me and I most likely will have nothing in common with the average college student anyway.

OP I can't advise you on your relationship but I can't stress enough how important it is to make friends on your course. Even if you don't socialise with them you will need a support network to share the course work. Don't worry about people being younger than you. I went back to university at 32 and there were plenty of other mature students (younger and older) that I got on with. As you say, older students are their to study and we were a great help to each other with assignments, dealing with exam pressure etc. You don't need to become BFF's with them but you will struggle massively if you try to do it all on your own.

moochers

I was in a similar situation myself 11 years ago. My relationship broke down, I was pregnant with my second and I was devastated. Fair play for going back to college. In total agreement with PaddyCow, I decided to go on a CE scheme and loved it, I was working as a youth worker and it did wonders for my self confidence. I then went back to college at 30 to do a degree, and then started a MA at 34. Most of my classmates were 10 years younger and they were fantastic craic and we all supported each other. My college friends totally understood my situation and they often included me and my boys in nights out like cinema or bowling. College can be daunting, essays etc, but a lecturer once said to me, 'if you can read, you can write'.
Don't worry about your daughter and the attachment, your bf is not her surrogate parent. She has you and your parents, and kids are very resilient. College work and parenting combined is hard work but its also a welcome distraction cos you don't have time to sweat the small stuff. As previous posts mentioned yo do need to talk to your bf about your concerns.

king909

I'm a current college student. And I'm in my final year of a nursing degree. I'm 23 now and was 19 when I started the course.

I have friends who range from 20 and single to late 30s with 3 kids. For the most part college students are far more open and understanding then when your in school (which I'm assuming was your last academic encounter) there will always be that awkward first few weeks when people are trying to get to know each other. But you all have something in common which is an interest in the subject your learning.

My best mates are a 21 year old lad living at home and a 37 year old with 3 young kids and a wife. We call each other regularly and get on extremely well. So finding friends doesn't have to be age or experience related.

LegacyUser

moochers wrote: »

Hey there OP. Its obvious from your post that you're feeling down, and when we feel low we can make hasty decisions. I think you are projecting way into the future, when you should just take one day at a time. You seem to be investing an awful lot into this relationship,when I really think the most important thing you should be focusing on is yourself. Are there any groups you can join in order to make new friends. Does your local college do any courses that start in September that you would be interested in.
You and your bf are still very young and he is doing what every other guy his age is doing, I wouldn't take his comment re: not having a child, to heart. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, he is being honest and I commend ye both for being responsible.
BTW maybe you should look into counseling regarding your last relationship as it probably has affected your self worth and confidence.

She can't have the luxury of "one day at a time" and "focus on herself" there's a child involved. You need to get straight answers from this guy. It is so unfair for guys to be walking in and out of a childs life. His comment was disgusting, knowing the OP has a child. Obviously "his" future plans don't seem to include you OP. Dump him now, for your daughters sake if nothing else. How long were you seeing him before he met her.

LegacyUser

Thinkofyourchild wrote: »

She can't have the luxury of "one day at a time" and "focus on herself" there's a child involved. You need to get straight answers from this guy. It is so unfair for guys to be walking in and out of a childs life. His comment was disgusting, knowing the OP has a child. Obviously "his" future plans don't seem to include you OP. Dump him now, for your daughters sake if nothing else. How long were you seeing him before he met her.

Yes this is what is bothering me.
My daughter is getting quite attached to him and I can see him getting uncomfortable with it. I think maybe he is saying these things as little hints to let me know he is not interested in being a surrogate dad.

It hurts really, I feel as though I am sitting around waiting for my use by date when he will continue with his plans and we will be left behind.
He is certainly not a mean or nasty guy but I don't think he mature enough to deal with my situation. I don't think he even realises that himself yet.

I don't know how to bring this up with him and I really want to. What if he freaks out thinking I am looking for marriage or something?

December2012

Confusedgf wrote: »

Yes this is what is bothering me.
My daughter is getting quite attached to him and I can see him getting uncomfortable with it. I think maybe he is saying these things as little hints to let me know he is not interested in being a surrogate dad.

It hurts really, I feel as though I am sitting around waiting for my use by date when he will continue with his plans and we will be left behind.
He is certainly not a mean or nasty guy but I don't think he mature enough to deal with my situation. I don't think he even realises that himself yet.

I don't know how to bring this up with him and I really want to. What if he freaks out thinking I am looking for marriage or something?

Are you looking for marriage? You did introduce him to your daughter.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Are you looking for marriage? You did introduce him to your daughter.

Well eventually yes, or if not marriage then definitely a committed long term relationship.
I want to get through college and get into a career first though over the next few years. I do crave a proper family and a permanent father figure for my child.

I guess it bothers me that my daughter is something that my boyfriend puts up with rather than actually wanting her around. I guess that's what you're going to get with any guy who's not the biological father of a child though.
Maybe I should give up on relationships.

December2012

Well it's not really his fault that he met her though is it? That was your responsibility.

He doesn't have the responsibilities you do, so it's understandable that he wants to do the things he's talking about.

LegacyUser

I didn't hear of these plans until lately.
He is entitled to live his life exactly as he wishes of course and I would never try to stop that.
I just realise now that maybe we are not suited to each other.

moochers

Your bf has been honest with his feelings, like I said before he is only 22. Lots of relationships can run their course at this stage irrespective of whether or not you have a child. He wants to work and travel, these are very honourable aspirations and he shouldn't be criticised for having ambitions. What I meant when I said 'you should focus on yourself' is that if you go back to college, you then will have choices and much better opportunities for yourself and your little girl, and there is then nothing stopping you from traveling too.

I do empathize that you have been very badly treated in the past. But if you are putting out the signals that you want a long term relationship and hinting at marriage, he will feel pressurized and by the looks of it, he isn't ready for that.

LegacyUser

moochers wrote: »

Your bf has been honest with his feelings, like I said before he is only 22. Lots of relationships can run their course at this stage irrespective of whether or not you have a child. He wants to work and travel, these are very honourable aspirations and he shouldn't be criticised for having ambitions. What I meant when I said 'you should focus on yourself' is that if you go back to college, you then will have choices and much better opportunities for yourself and your little girl, and there is then nothing stopping you from traveling too.

I do empathize that you have been very badly treated in the past. But if you are putting out the signals that you want a long term relationship and hinting at marriage, he will feel pressurized and by the looks of it, he isn't ready for that.

I've never hinted at marriage to him. The only one who mentioned weddings was actually him.
I don't want to move in together or marry anytime soon, but I would like to keep things simple for the time being, with possibility of things getting more serious down the line.

I have been thinking of ending it for the simple reason that we both seem to have different ideas for the future.

moochers

I know its difficult but you are going to have to talk to him about your concerns. Whatever you decide, I wish you and your daughter the very best.

osarusan

Thinkofyourchild wrote: »

You need to get straight answers from this guy. It is so unfair for guys to be walking in and out of a childs life. His comment was disgusting, knowing the OP has a child. Obviously "his" future plans don't seem to include you OP. Dump him now, for your daughters sake if nothing else. How long were you seeing him before he met her.

Get straight answers from him? It seems like she hasn't asked him any questions.

Confusedgf wrote: »

I guess it bothers me that my daughter is something that my boyfriend puts up with rather than actually wanting her around.

But you said earlier that they got on together like a house on fire?

You seem to be wondering and worrying about what he's thinking, and what his future is, without actually asking him. You need to do that.
My advice would be exactly the same as this:

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you said any of this to him? Have you sat down and had a serious conversation with him about your relationship. You need to do this. He is not wrong to not want another child. To his credit, he is actually being very honest with you... You are just not being as honest with him.

Sit down with him and have the talk. It will be difficult. It will be upsetting, and it may even end up with you breaking up... But it's a talk that needs to be had now at this stage.

You both have different priorities. It doesn't mean it can't work out, but it will take extra work... You just need to find out if you are both willing to make it work.

Perhaps he's just out to have fun and not looking for anything serious, and that's why he talked about his future travels. Or perhaps he thinks that you're just out for some fun and not looking for anything serious, and he's talking about his foreign travels to reassure you that he's not going to look for anything serious.

You don't know how (or if) you feature in his future. Don't break up with him just because you assume you don't. Ask him.