Spending time apart from OH

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a bit of advice. I love my boyfriend dearly but feel lately like we've been spending a bit too much time together. I love living/spending time with him but can't help feeling that i'm slightly losing touch with friends. He gets offended/moody/pissed off when I go out and don't invite him to come along. I'm not even talking about going to the pub or nights out, but things like lunch or the cinema. We had a big row about it recently and he called my group of girlfriends 'exclusive' and implied they were snobs who didn't want anyone else in their group which I found insulting and out of order, aside from being untrue. I love socialising with him but need to have time to myself with friends when he isn't there. I tried to explain that it's healthy to have time apart with friends but he claims that I never involve him at all which isn't exactly true. I've even starting avoiding doing things with friends from time to time, telling them I can't make it to this/that/the other, just to avoid this row/discussion coming up again. I know this isn't healthy but I'm getting so stressed about it and feeling a bit lost.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this with their OH?

Lisha

Hi op

Of course it's normal to socialise outside of just boyfriend / girlfriend

I would not like the ultimatum type scenario he seems to be putting on you

Maybe have a chat re trust issues and so on.

But really if he does not cop on then I would really be questioning is this the type of relationship that you want to be in.

Also op I saw very little in post about how your ideas are being met op

Stavro Mueller

It's definitely something to watch in my opinion. In a worst-case scenario this could be the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship. One of the common signs of that is when your partner is controlling and has managed to isolate you from your friends. Now I'm not saying that this is what is happening here but it's something worth keeping in the back of your mind.

You definitely need to have a chat with him and see what comes out of that. Meeting your friends on your own is something that everyone in a relationship should be doing. And I'm sure your friends wouldn't appreciate your boyfriend always being in tow when you meet up either.

Out of curiosity does he have friends of his own? Does he spend time with them?

LegacyUser

OP here,
thanks for your replies guys. You both really just reinforced what I had already been thinking, that we need to be communicating better re this issue. He's never actually said 'you can't go without me' but i often end up giving up and staying in just to avoid the argument or bad mood. I guess I struggle sometimes with standing up for myself. But you're both right that it is something that needs to be addressed. I don't even understand why it's an issue that should escalate to the level of an argument to be honest.

Cymbaline I think that's part of the problem, his core group of friends have mostly emigrated and so he doesn't meet up with friends often at all. And while I do feel bad for him in this respect and would really love him to have close friends around I know it isn't my job to 'entertain' him as such all the time. I think there needs to be more of a balance. He usen't (?!) behave like this so it could be to do with his own personal circumstances and issues and I shouldn't let them stop me from living my life in a normal way so long as I'm still there for him too.

A long winded reply I know but you got me thinking more about it! Thanks again!

Naid23

Having been in a similar position with my ex, i can definately say that space is needed within a relationship. In my case i seen him every day and whenever i was in work we were together - mainly cause he didnt have many friends. By the end of it i felt so smothered that i had to leave.

Hes sounds a bit vindictive in the way he is going on bout you mates. I think its best you just sit down and talk to him. And tell him that youre feeling suffocated in some ways and hes needs to back off a bit.

If he takes that the wrong way then thats his issue, a girl needs to have a life outside of a relationship and he needs to accept that.

LegacyUser

I would agree with the above posts.
I know your boyfriend could be finding it hard as his friends have left Ireland and he expects you to replace them. At this stage I would find out if there was a local gym, football club ect that he could get involved in - this would give him a place to go and help him make new friends. He may not want to do this but I would say to him that you know that john/tom ect have moved away and this will give him a chance to make a few new friends.
If a man is complaining about you meeting friends and is getting thick about this I would think about ending this relationship.

Also your friends may notice something about him and may tell you that they have noticed that he says or does this. They may notice how he treats you/ acts with them ect and this could be a warning signal that he may not be as wonderful as you think.
One of my friends ended a relationship recently as I and his other friends told him we noticed x,y,z about his girlfriend and what her plans were in the future.

Merkin

This would have him teetering on the edge of Dumpsville if he was my boyfriend. Seriously. Just because you're in a relationship you can't lose your identity and it's healthy and important to have your circle of friends to meet up with an enjoy yourself with as you and not always you + 1. You need those relationships separate from everything else that allow you to retain your independence and have that core group of confidantes outside your relationship.

As Cymbaline said, I'd also be concerned about control issues. That, or he is just behaving like a b1tch to be honest as I don't know many men who'd whine about not going out with the girls. Either way, this needs to be addressed head-on and nipped in the bud immediately. If you capitulate to him now, it won't in any way encourage him and give him the kick up the arse so desperately warranted for him to go out and expand his own social circle. Sit him down and tell him it's unacceptable and that you will mean your friends on your own and when you please and that he should really look at joining a tag rugby team or something else in order to meet some new people.

December2012

Is he like this with all of your friends?
Is he right - are they excluding?