Friends with Benefits

iuil1999

Does this ever really work out. I've started meeting a friend for sex every few weeks and it's working out well. I just don't know how long it will last. There's no romantic feelings just friendship. It's exciting coming up to our meetings and I always look forward to the next time but it's in the back of my mind that this isn't going to last forever and will I miss it when it's over. Anyone have any experience of this?

CBFi

No experience but don't see the harm if both parties are on the same page...

LegacyUser

Yeah, I went through that with an ex of mine. We broke up, didn't see each other for 5 years (went abroad), then when he came back we kind of got into that situation. And it went on for over 10 years.

In fairness, it was fantastic. Our meetings were always exciting, but also sweet and relaxed. We would have good sex, be passionate but caring, there was always good dinners in cool places, with excellent conversation, followed by very good sex (mainly because besides having chemistry, we had a strong friendship which kept out communication channels open and really good) with cuddling, laughs and freedom.

It was a fantastic arrangement. Nothing shallow or cold or "dirty", all the contrary, we loved each other in a very unique way, very caring and non-selfish.

Czarcasm

iuil1999 wrote: »

Does this ever really work out. I've started meeting a friend for sex every few weeks and it's working out well. I just don't know how long it will last. There's no romantic feelings just friendship. It's exciting coming up to our meetings and I always look forward to the next time but it's in the back of my mind that this isn't going to last forever and will I miss it when it's over. Anyone have any experience of this?

When you say "work out" OP, what would you like the outcome to be exactly? I've never heard of one that lasted perpetually, the novelty and the thrill do wear off eventually and you both just move on, OR, the more common scenario is one develops feelings for the other, those feelings aren't reciprocated, and the friendship goes to shìt.

Enjoy it for what it is OP for as long as it lasts, but I would tend to avoid overthinking it.

iuil1999

I suppose I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm enjoying the "no strings" aspect of it but I'm not sure if I'd want to let it go if I got into a relationship with someone else. I know it would be cheating but if there's no feelings attached is there any harm in it? I have made a few rules in my head and one of them is that I walk away if I develop any romantic feelings for him. You're right though, I should stop over thinking it and enjoy it for what it is. I guess I was wondering if anyone had personal experience of it and how did it work out.

Czarcasm

iuil1999 wrote: »

I suppose I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm enjoying the "no strings" aspect of it but I'm not sure if I'd want to let it go if I got into a relationship with someone else. I know it would be cheating but if there's no feelings attached is there any harm in it? I have made a few rules in my head and one of them is that I walk away if I develop any romantic feelings for him. You're right though, I should stop over thinking it and enjoy it for what it is. I guess I was wondering if anyone had personal experience of it and how did it work out.

Well, would that be fair to the person who thinks you are in an exclusive relationship? I can see how that might cause a few issues tbh!

But seriously though, if you're already having to make up rules in your head and tell yourself IF you develop feelings, etc, you're already at the point where you could easily get hurt if this guy decides to call it a day.

I've had plenty of personal experience with the whole friends with benefits thing, and some of my best friends I'm still friends with them, but there have been many friends too I wish I'd never slept with because it fcuked up what could've been a great friendship without the sex.

As Merkin said, if you're all on the same page- grand, but if you're not... that's when it gets messy and people get hurt.

iuil1999

I made up my rules at the start because I wasn't sure how it would work out. We have a good laugh, we're in contact all the time and enjoy each others company. The sex is just a bonus. If it all ended tomorrow l know our friendship would last so I'm just going to be happy for what it is right now. Thanks for your replies!

CrazyKatie

iuil1999 wrote: »

I made up my rules at the start because I wasn't sure how it would work out. We have a good laugh, we're in contact all the time and enjoy each others company. The sex is just a bonus. If it all ended tomorrow l know our friendship would last so I'm just going to be happy for what it is right now. Thanks for your replies!

As long as you are ok with the fact that he could start seeing someone else then it should be fine. The way you describe it sounds more like a romantic relationship rather than just no strings sex so make sure that you both know where you stand.

dellas1979

Im afraid these things only work out if both people stay emotionally disconnected. But it sounds already like you in some way are emotionally connected to him (you are already very sure that ye'd stay friends). Tread very carefully. He could at any stage turn around and say he wants to end it/has a new gf. And you dont have a leg to stand on. Honestly, how would you feel about that?

LegacyUser

Hmmm I'm not sure I agree with the emotionally disconnected part. I think as things progress, you can be emotionally attached to your friend and you can really love your friend. Each situation/people will have different rules, but it doesn't need to be cold and only about sex.

I think there's waaaaaaaaaaaaay more to the whole friends with benefits concept. You can look up poliamorous concepts, open relationships, etc. At the end of the day, the "no strings" is a spectrum, which varies from a meaningless one night stand to friends who like each other a lot and are attracted to each other but do not really love each other and feel like being monogamist, to people that love each other with all their heart and would probably put their friend's happiness before their own, but still don't believe they can have full satisfaction with only one sexual/romantic partner, but that doesn't detract from the love they feel for said partner; to people who are married, live together, have sex but accept the other to have affairs.

The important thing indeed is what others said, communication. Make sure you know where you are standing, what are your aims and needs and your partner's. If he is into a one night stand mode and you get too involved, that is risky as you can hurt yourself badly.

You said something interesting, which is you would find it hard to give up this arrangement if you met someone knew. I can relate to that. I think it is tricky because this is your friend, you like him dear, you have good sex with him and that works for you. And if someone comes along and wants to have babies and get a mortage with you, *theoretically* and in an utopic world, those should not be conflicting relatioships.

But it's not easy at all to administrate all this things cos after all we are all humans and we feel jealous and insecure etc. But then again that also happens in the monogamist standard relationships, it's just people don't mention their downsides just as much.

Dellnum

A FWB experience should not actually occur with a friend. These relationships are for sex only and should not exist for friendships as well, as that makes them complicated and will leave too many feelings exposed.

You don’t do the usual stuff you might do if you were dating this person, e.g. you don’t go on a date or have meaningful conversations with this person, hold hands or kiss goodbye. How can you when the other person means nothing to you and these symbols of emotions only mean something when you have feelings for the other person.

If you are lucky you get 30 minutes together and then it’s out the door.

Friends with Benefits are like junk food. They’re addictive and delicious, but they don’t sustain you, and one day you’re going to wake up in a bed of metaphorical Snickers wrappers and think crap, what am I doing? Time to sit down with yourself and ask, is this actually going anywhere or am I just backing myself into an emotional corner?

You are engaging in the most intimate act two people can perform so why do you want to do this with someone who means so little to you.

I don’t understand it myself and cannot see how anything good ever comes out of it.
To me it is just using someone for sexual release, might as well go to a prostitute if you ask me.

Matteroffact

It beats me how anyone can have a sex only relationship. Surely a person with some kind of moral standard would not engage in it. How can someone demean sex in this way. Sex was designed for people who want to show their love for one another. FWB is a total abuse of sex and the people doing it. So when you are tired of having sex with this person you just throw them aside, and everyone is happy. I don't think so. So NO OP I don't think it is a good idea and I don't think it works out in the long term, or even in the short term for that matter. This site is riddled with people posting in saying how they feel abused by their partners, but in my opinion this is the epitome of abuse.

Lorna123

Matteroffact wrote: »

It beats me how anyone can have a sex only relationship. Surely a person with some kind of moral standard would not engage in it. How can someone demean sex in this way. Sex was designed for people who want to show their love for one another. FWB is a total abuse of sex and the people doing it. So when you are tired of having sex with this person you just throw them aside, and everyone is happy. I don't think so. So NO OP I don't think it is a good idea and I don't think it works out in the long term, or even in the short term for that matter. This site is riddled with people posting in saying how they feel abused by their partners, but in my opinion this is the epitome of abuse.

Couldn't agree more !

Esoteric_

Matteroffact wrote: »

It beats me how anyone can have a sex only relationship. Surely a person with some kind of moral standard would not engage in it. How can someone demean sex in this way. Sex was designed for people who want to show their love for one another. FWB is a total abuse of sex and the people doing it. So when you are tired of having sex with this person you just throw them aside, and everyone is happy. I don't think so. So NO OP I don't think it is a good idea and I don't think it works out in the long term, or even in the short term for that matter. This site is riddled with people posting in saying how they feel abused by their partners, but in my opinion this is the epitome of abuse.

Actually, sex is designed for making babies, not for expressing love.


OP, if you're comfortable with the situation, keep doing what makes you happy. You can not continue it if you're in a relationship, though. That's cheating, plain and simple.

YumCha

Epitome of abuse? Wow, just wow...

OP - this is really down to you, what you want, and what makes you happy. If your feelings or situation changes, then keep the communication lines open - it's one thing to be meeting up with no strings, but another if you get into a relationship and want them to be complicit in cheating. (BTW, there's a lot of non-monogamous options such as open relationships and polyamory if you want to get into a relationship but still keep seeing this guy without cheating)

None of the FWB situations I've been in could be described as cold - even in the ones where we didn't interact outside of meeting up. There also wasn't any hard and fast rules: some I did normal stuff with, some I didn't, some met my friends, some didn't, some I stayed in touch with, and others not.

There was one guy in particular I was really fond of, and we had a mutual soft spot for each other although we weren't regularly in touch or anything. I started dating someone which started out non-exclusive and turned exclusive, and had to tell this guy I couldn't meet up anymore.

Even though it was my own choice and I adore my boyfriend - I was surprisingly sad about it - but I guess this is just what happens when you end a relationship of sorts. He was a total gent about it, and even messaged me a couple of weeks later to say he'd started meeting up with another girl - so it is doable to have a FWB situation that ends well.

Taltos

Matteroffact - as you are new to this forum we are going to ask you this once to read our charter before you post here again.
People come to this forum for civil and constructive advice. While opinions are welcomed we cannot condone posts that just issue judgements without even trying to help the OP.

Lorna123 - you are not new here, hence the warning. Further breaches of our charter will not be dealt with so lightly. If you agree with a post use the thanks button, but if you just want to post without offering advice please don't - that is considered a breach of our charter and such breaches regularly result in bans.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

<Mod Snip>

OP, whether it is doable or not in part depends on your views on sex.

Some people think it is the most intimate thing you can have with a person. For me that is not true. I for one find it more intimate, for the sake of an example, being able to confess a horrible memory from the past, or a weakness, or a major fear and crying in front of a friend than having sex with him. To each their own. There is no right or wrong. Just different takes on things.

Some people also see sex as the greatest proof of love. Or as a way to make babies in a marriage. That's fine and in this context friends with benefits would not work.

Now, the idea of abuse could only be true if the sex was not consensual. If two adults are having consensual sex and are ok with it, how can sex, or the end of the sexual relationship, possibly be a form of abuse?

And what does consensual sex have to do with morals again?

For some people (myself included), sex is a way of expressing caring and sex is a pleasant and fun activity. No strings sex doesn't need to be a "30min and out of the door" dirty horrible thing. In fact, I had several one night stands and a few open relationships and none was like that at all.

Even one night stands can involve conversation, laugh, cuddling and generally caring and respect. In fact, it makes it much more interesting.

Equally, open relationships/friends with benefits can involve a strong friendship, can involve respect, concern, and all other beautiful things a "normal" relationship has. In fact, you can love your friend and love another person, one thing does not exclude the other (again check polyamory: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory).

Again as an example, in one of my open relationships, in which we always said to each other "I love you", at some point I started seeing another guy, he was fine with it. I carried both relationships at the same time for about 6 months (they both knew about each other) and at some point my new bf wanted to be exclusive. My friend was fine with that, we kept our friendship normally, then I broke up with the new bf. We went back to the friends with benefits. Then he met a girl and went exclusive with her, which was fine with me. They actually came visit me twice and stayed in my house and it was a pleasure to have them over. If in the future they break up and I'm not seeing anyone, we might go back to our arrangement. In the meantime, we talk to each other on the phone all the time and catch up for drinks every so often.

People have been doing this for centuries and will continue doing (eg Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir). There are 1000000 ways of having relationships in this world and friends with benefits is one of them. It won't work for everybody but it can be a beautiful thing for many.

To still believe the only way to go is the traditional monogamist marriage is to ignore the complex spectrum of feelings/desires of the entire human kind.

Again, there is no right or wrong. There's what works for you and for your partner without hurting anyone in the process. And communication is essential to make sure no one get hurts or build false expectations.

Cupcake_Crisis

I think they can work, but you have to be very careful. The second you feel yourself having any sort of attachment to him outside the bedroom either sit down and have a chat about it, or call an end to it. A lot of the time friends with benefits type arrangements can end badly because one person becomes more attached than the other, even if they never intended to.

LegacyUser

Some of the guys here have mentioned arrangements that have worked out fine but I think I'd be very wary of a situation like this given the fact that it can be quite common for one party to develop "feelings" and want more out of it than the other party... and even when you think you are on the same page, you might not be.

inta

iuil1999 wrote: »

Does this ever really work out. I've started meeting a friend for sex every few weeks and it's working out well. I just don't know how long it will last. There's no romantic feelings just friendship. It's exciting coming up to our meetings and I always look forward to the next time but it's in the back of my mind that this isn't going to last forever and will I miss it when it's over. Anyone have any experience of this?

My current boyfriend of 4 yrs started with friends with benefits and it drove us crazy in the end. He wanted to get serious first - i didnt, he went to oz and it drove me crazy,he came back a while later and i left for another country,finally two yrs later I relaised I did have feelings. it never works because someone always care about the other more. someone always gets hurt, its just an excuse to sleep around with nothing to worry about. Myself and my bf both saw other people while we were seeing eachother and it was terrible. event though we both agreed it was friends with benefits we both kept hearting eachother when we saw eachother with other people. We were like this for a yr and a half before he first went to oz (cus i wouldnt get serious).
we finally got together 4 yrs ago and never looked back

Taltos

asdfadf - we have removed the first line of your post which was preventing us approving your post.

The Corinthian

iuil1999 wrote: »

Does this ever really work out.

As was asked by another poster earlier in the thread, it comes down to what you mean by 'work out'.

If you mean that it'll eventually develop into a full relationship, as with those romcoms that came out on this subject, then the answer is very unlikely. Both parties have chosen a NSA arrangement for various reasons and unless those reasons and how they perceive each other change on both sides and at the same time, then it will never go beyond being a NSA relationship - which is rare.

If you mean that it'll last for weeks, months or years in a friendly and respectful fashion without either party suffering for it down the line, then often it can, although there is a good chance that one or the other will get burned a little along the way. So if you feel you're getting to attached, then either end it or tone it down (meet much less frequently) and let them know why.

So the answer is yes; it can 'work out' as long as both parties are open and honest and share the same agenda for the arrangement. Indeed, I use the term arrangement instead of relationship on purpose here - never confuse it for the latter.

heretochat

I have a friend who was involved in one of these "arrangements" a number of years ago. He used text the girl in question from the pub on a Friday night and disappear.. One night as they were doing what such folks do.. she said she loved him... This freaked him out completely as it came from left field completely..

He managed to get away without inflicting too much hurt on the girl but it just goes to show that both "partners" in such an arrangement need to be on the same page to avoid any hurt occurring...