My ex won't accept its over

LegacyUser

Hi all,am just looking for advice from anyone who has been where I am.I seperated from my ex husband of 15yrs last October.I had been miserable for a long time but for the sake of our kids(14 and 8) I stuck it out and thought I would until they both moved out.He is a functioning alcoholic,he is self employed but a nightmare drinker,he was mentally and physically abusive,he would often take off for days on end drinking with his mates,we really had very little in common but got on well when he wasnt drinking.

We got together young and,to be honest,by the time I had our first child at 20,I knew I loved him as a friend,not anything more but I figured it was my lot in life so knuckled down to keeping the family together.I did my best but by last year,i was a shadow of who I used to be.He wouldnt let me out,hated my sister and my friends,was very controlling,i found many suspicious texts from girls in his phone,he fell out with different family members after being drunk at family events,etc.He restricted me financially and bullied me into sex because I never wanted it,i just didnt fancy him but,as his wife,i did what i thought was my 'duty'.

I used to count down to when the kids would be grown and I could leave but he forced my hand last October.We had been arguing for weeks about my unhappiness and after a full nights drinking,he attacked me,threatening me and then threatened to hurt himself with a knife if i didnt get out of the house.My son heard and at midnight,i got him and our other child in the car and went to the police.

They could do nothing because I wasnt badly hurt,said they'd remove him from the house but i knew that would escalate things so I went to stay with my mother and for the 1st time in 15yrs,i let everyone know what my marraige had been like because I had always covered it up!The next morning,he sent abusive messages but by evening it was all remorse 'ill never do it again,ill change' but i knew it was over.

I moved to a rented house 2 days later,things went very up and down for awhile,threats,abusive behaviour,financial restrictions and then sweetness and light.I stood my ground and in february,he said he was moving to a different county and we could move back into the family home.I had been borrowing to rent as i couldnt get rent allowance as we were married so me and the kids moved back in and he said he would pay the mortgage which he is doing..And it started again,the promise of change,the asking for a reconciliation and i have always said No,it will never happen.

I had wanted to remain friends as the youngest child was having a tough time so we have done 3 days out as a foursome but i stopped that in april as he was seeing it as more than it was.He then said he'd met with a solicitor in may and he was entitled to stay in HIS house(the mortgage is only in his name as it was bought before we married).It was another attempt at control but i didnt rise to it,i agreed that the nights he came down to see the children,i would stay with my mother and sister and he could text when he had left the next morning.that has continued but he only stays 2 nights(down at 8pm,gone by 11am) and takes the children the very rare weekend.

My problem is that he has now started texting after he leaves to see can we work on our marraige,that he can change,that we had a wonderful 15yrs(delusional),he can make me happy,he knows i still love him and its not too late.No matter how blunt i was(and i WAS blunt),he just wasnt accepting it.Then when he would text to say he was leaving the house it would be 'im going sexy' 'see you sweetcheeks' and he texted today to ask would i like to go out some day or night,not a date,just out.I texted back NO and he replied 'thats a yes then'.Look I know people might be reading this thinking 'its not a big deal,so what' but I am seriously freaked out.He just isnt getting the message.I am SOOOO happy in my life now,the kids are a million times happier and I would never go back!!!

I have applied for legal seperation(he is aware of this) but I after an initial consultation(legal aid) i am back on a waiting list for seven months before she can apply for legal seperation.I am due to go to canada on my own for a week in october and i am actually scared to leave the kids.His behaviour is unhinged,he really and truly believes we will get back together and no matter how many times i have told him straight that it will never happen he does not believe it.

I dont want to be dramatic but there is just a weird undercurrent to his behaviour.So,im sorry for the length of this thread and i am walking out the door to babysit my niece but I would be incredibly grateful if anyone had any advice,had been in a similar situation,etc???Thanks........

Wibbs

Moved from the Ladies Lounge

Czarcasm

The guy sounds like a woeful ego tripper OP that's been used to controlling you and getting his own way for the 15 years you were married. The fact that your whole outlook on life has changed is something he hadn't expected and it's thrown him something awful.

He's still controlling you by getting a rise out of you, frustrating you, goading you. I would suggest that you leave your children with your mum and your sister when you go to Canada for the week.

Your solicitor will be able to better advise you about further measures you can take at least legally speaking, but at the moment you're best not to rise to him constantly by giving him the reaction he wants.

You may also find the information posted in the Separation and Divorce forum useful-

http://touch.boards.ie/forum/1533

livemusic4life

Alcoholics are users and ONLY think of themselves when drinking or planning to drink and probably only wants you back to care for him. Maybe you should have him text a friend instead of you when he's leaving the house. Texting you should be off limits if it makes you feel that uncomfortable. Maybe a solicitors letter to stop making comments at you would help. Keep a diary of every message, call, inappropriate language. And probably no harm in having a chat to your children.

CaraMay

Op I don't understand why you couldn't stay out of the house? You say you can't afford to pay rent yet you are going on a very expensive holiday.

gordongekko

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I don't understand why you couldn't stay out of the house? You say you can't afford to pay rent yet you are going on a very expensive holiday.

ah come on that's not fair.

Op sounds like you need a good solicitor.

Esoteric_

If you are in fear for your safety, go to the police and ask for a barring order. There's very little else I can add to the great advice you've been given.