Zero interaction with people in my day to day life

LegacyUser

I usually see good advice given here so thought i'd post. I'm at a point in my life where i'm not sure what career I want to go into. I've finished up college and have doubts about the degree I done. Anyway, this isn't the main problem with my life - my lack of friends and things to do during the week is what is really getting me down. I have a total of 2 good friends, and about 3-4 acquaintances. The 2 good friends are both working and in committed relationships, so I'd see both of them maybe once a week. The acquaintances I'd see once every 2 weekends, since they are single they are the people I'd head out with. This means that most weeks I do nothing for 6 days except sit at home on my own reading/surfing the internet, or maybe 5 days a week if I get to head out. I suffered from pretty bad shyness and unhappiness throughout most of my teenage years, then got into an LTR when I was 17. That relationship lasted 4 years (including my whole time in college). I made a grand total of zero friends in college because I stupidly believed the relationship was all I needed (and my shyness didn't help).

So as you can see i'm absolutely nowhere in my life in terms of sociability. I couldn't even go for a drink or a walk with a friend if I wanted, I have nobody to see or interact with most days of the week. I feel miles behind everyone else my age and it is leading me to feel quite depressed. Who else spends their early twenties having to post on an internet forum seeking advice on how to get a social life? Not many people I'd wager. I've planned to head travelling on my own in January, and hopefully that will address some of my shyness problems as I'll be forced to open up. But how do I improve my situation until then, or even when I get back from travelling? How does someone in their early 20s go about making a few new friends when most have already established a large network of mates by this stage of life? I feel lonely and annoyed but I'm stuck in a rut at the minute. I've been looking for a temporary job to pass time until travelling but found nothing, I don't think it would fix unhappiness about my social life anyway. Apologies for the long and depressive post but I'm genuinely clueless as to how I'll make more friends

Est28

I don't mean to be harsh but sometimes tough love helps...

Why can't you go out for a pint or a walk or whatever? That makes no sense. How else will you meet people if you don't go out.

Are you REALLY tht isolated or do you just not make the effort to talk and get to know new people in your day to day life? We all have the same problem but we have to go make things happen, it won't happen any other way.

freshpopcorn

Maybe you could join a club that would have meetings once or twice a week at this you'll be able to meet people with similar interests and you might make good friends who'll you'll be able to head out with for a drink/walk/etc.

JustAThought

Dont be too hard on yourself OP - there was a great girl in work who I really got along with ; we worked across each other for two years ; she is funny, interesting, well educated & really pretty - to chat to her you'd think she had the world at her fingertips. One day she suddenly got upset & said she only had two friends & that I was one. You'd be surprised at how many people made the same choice as you in college who have so much going for them & who should have lots of friends.

It's hard when you've no OH to get out & meet new people. Have you tried meetup.com ? It's a site that links like minded people who otherwise might not be able to meet up/do their favourite thing as they don't know anybody interested in the same things/their friends have different interests/they're new in town etc. there is specifically a group for going clubbing, and another for going to gigs, and all kinds of other categories -cinema, adventure sports, etc. I've used it both in Dublin & when living abroad & highly recommend it.

LegacyUser

JustAThought wrote: »

Dont be too hard on yourself OP - there was a great girl in work who I really got along with ; we worked across each other for two years ; she is funny, interesting, well educated & really pretty - to chat to her you'd think she had the world at her fingertips. One day she suddenly got upset & said she only had two friends & that I was one. You'd be surprised at how many people made the same choice as you in college who have so much going for them & who should have lots of friends.

It's hard when you've no OH to get out & meet new people. Have you tried meetup.com ? It's a site that links like minded people who otherwise might not be able to meet up/do their favourite thing as they don't know anybody interested in the same things/their friends have different interests/they're new in town etc. there is specifically a group for going clubbing, and another for going to gigs, and all kinds of other categories -cinema, adventure sports, etc. I've used it both in Dublin & when living abroad & highly recommend it.

Op here again.. To be honest I thought the kinda people who use meetup are those who are only in the city temporarily or are completely new to the city. I'd feel a bit out of place if I was the only person from my only city at most of the meetings, and I'd also be less likely to make a long term friend.

To the first poster, I can go for a pint or walk but most people don't make friends when casually out for a stroll. My point is I've currently got nobody at present to just go for a walk with or whatever and i've no idea how to rectify that. Most of the lads my age around my area are either on drugs or off travelling, or just have no interest in hanging with me except on the odd weekend here and there. My personality only tends to shine through when I drink unfortunately, way too shy otherwise.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, what about looking into an athletics club near you? There are loads all around the country, and it's not just for runners. I know many clubs now are doing a "Fit for Life" programme, that is for runners, joggers and walkers of all abilities. It's a great place to get out and meet people, and everyone there will be there for the same reason.. partly to improve their fitness, but more so for the social aspect.

You might think you are unique in your dilemma, and unfortunately social media makes it look like everyone else is having a right old time! But you'll be surprised how many people you'd meet who are in similar circumstances. I know of people who will not miss their "Fit for Life" night, rain, hail or splitting sun! Because it is *their* night. Their only chance during the week to get out and talk to others.

Please look into it.. it could change your life (not to be too dramatic about it )

Jonny Blaze

Hi Op,


You might be surprised at how common this is! I also spent the majority of my life alone except for when I was in a serious relationship.


When I was about 21 I essentially abandoned my home town and purposefully lost touch with my social group, as they were mostly developing drug problems at the time, and this was not a path I wanted to go down. Unlike you though I wouldn't call myself a shy person, however I still always found it difficult to form meaningful social relationships with people.


After that I was in a LTR as you put it for about 4 years during which I didn't really make friends of my own but just got to know her friends. When it ended badly sides were picked and all that and I was back alone.


At first I was depressed and lonely and all that but eventually I just learned to live without people. I am close with my three brothers but really only see one of them often as I live with him! As you get older too (29 now) you find that your chances of developing friendships decrease naturally anyway as more people get married and have kids etc.


I believe the tendency in this country is to basically become an old married couple by your early thirties in any case, so eventually IMO socialising tails off anyway. I just learned to enjoy my own company in the years alone and now I don't really get lonely or depressed anymore.


I guess its just how you look at life that makes the difference!


Sorry that's prob not much help but at least you're not the only one! And try to enjoy the couple of friends you do have I guess!

Wanderer2010

OP, I definitely wouldnt believe that most other people have a great social life. In my experience, people who brag about their packed lives and going to gigs, nights out etc are either just compensating for the fact they they are insecure when alone or are plain lying! Facebook gives the impression that everyone out there is having a ball of a time and that no shy or socially awkward people exist but its just a sham. I know of a good few people in their 30s who dont have much to do in their spare time, the ones who arent anchored to the wife and kids anyway, so clubs and meetup.com are a very popular and handy way to branch out.

I would advise you to look into what clubs are in your local area and start small from there, even once a week too see a few more people, its hard to make the first step but more than worth it. Good luck OP.

Est28

OPAgain wrote: »

Op here again.. To be honest I thought the kinda people who use meetup are those who are only in the city temporarily or are completely new to the city. I'd feel a bit out of place if I was the only person from my only city at most of the meetings, and I'd also be less likely to make a long term friend.

To the first poster, I can go for a pint or walk but most people don't make friends when casually out for a stroll. My point is I've currently got nobody at present to just go for a walk with or whatever and i've no idea how to rectify that. Most of the lads my age around my area are either on drugs or off travelling, or just have no interest in hanging with me except on the odd weekend here and there. My personality only tends to shine through when I drink unfortunately, way too shy otherwise.

Hi OP,
As I said, I didn't MEAN to sound harsh but I know it will sound that way. The reason I say it is because I was once in the EXACT same position as you so I know how hard it is. I live alone and in a city where I moved for a job some years ago. But since I didn't grow up here or have old friends I had no idea what to do.

As you say, it feels like if you just go outside, it's not like anyone will be your friend. But the alternative is just to sit inside and be bored. Even if you go for a walk each evening, just start by giving a nob or a hello to others walking their dog or out running and you'll begin to see the same faces over and over. Eventually a quick hello because a chat about the weather which beomes more. Ok, so that's not the GREATEST way to make friends in the world but the point is, if you start to be more social, it puts you in a better and more talkative mood in general. Is it much worse than your current situation? NO!

To be honest, Meetup and a sports league are the best I've found. Just go to everything for a few months, you don't have to love the activity but if you see the same faces over and over, that can lead to friendship, everyone won't be your best friend the first time you meet them.

Its true that a lot of out of towners join Meetup but not only those. There are plenty people in your position. But even if they are new to the city, that makes them more open to meeting friends. Often those who've grown up and lived in the same place all their lives are closed off to making new friends so you're already at an advantage there.
If you don't find the meetups that interesting, suggest your own! Even if it's like a hiking meetup or something, I've done that a bunch of times, if I like the group in general I'd suggest a meetup for pints so everyone can just mingle and get to know each other and these usually go down well.

The point is though, it sounds like you're sitting home or even if your going out, just going around by yourself and not opening your mouth to anyone. I've done it too! You have to start smiling, saying hello, making small talk, going out of your comfort zone to meet people. Dont wait to be invited to things, make plans and follow up when you do meet people.

Its hard to start with of course, but you only need to meet 1 or 2 people you click with and they can often introduce you to more and it just builds that way but it takes time... you're already unhappy with things so why not do something different, worst case you dont make friends but you know you are trying and getting out of the house but with a little effort you WILL make friends.

simonsays1

meetup.com