quiet bf, having doubts

LegacyUser

I've been with my bf about 2 yrs now, we met, did long distance for about 9 mths with a lot of travelling back and forth, mostly by himself. He then moved over to where I am and everything was going grand, I was very sure of him at the start, knew I felt something more for him than I had for anyone before and he had all the qualities I wanted - stability, kindness, honesty, we wanted the same things more or less too in life. Well, we moved in together and had a few teething problems over what i thought were small issues, cleaning etc. I've had a long term bf before and had lived with that guy, and the small arguments we had over these things were nothing compared. OUr biggest issue has been lack of communication on his part - we might have a little row and he'll just clam up then for two days sometimes, barely speak and I have to coax it out of him later...Or if he gets a disappointment, such as not performing well in a sport, he'll go quiet and moody and uncommunicative...He's quiet as it is already. He realised he has a problem and said he'd work on it,

So my issue is I'd always felt sure of us, then about 2mths ago he'd been very distant for a while, (6 weeks or so) not initiating or accepting any sexual advances (had been very busy too) and whilst we got on 'ok' things felt strange. So one day I snapped at him over some small issue as we were both tired and it escalated to a row, we stopped speaking again for 2 days or so, then we talked about it. He came out with a lot of 'I'm not sure if I'm too young for this, it's a lot of adjustment, I'm not sure if this is what a relationship is supposed to be like, it's hard work and I don't know if I want to do it anymore'...I said fine, if you want to leave it, then I'd rather know and it's ok if that's what's going to happen. He claimed he just needed a bit of space, as we were living together and being quiet he found it too much. That he also didn't have anyone to talk to about things as he was out of his country. He suggested just leaving this and deciding a few weeks later when we were back in Ireland and he had a bit of time to himself to think. Well...I moved out for a few days, and when I got back we had a chat and at the bottom of it all was that he wasn't satisfied with the sex, he wanted to be more experimental. I got quite angry that everything was over such a minor issue (to me) and that he couldn't have talked about this before turning it into almost breaking up...Well, we got back on track, came back to Ireland for the summer and lived with our respective parents.

Except...well....I keep getting a bad feeling. I feel very depressed and insecure, just like I did with my ex. I've found it hard to orgasm in sex as I picture him as my ex. I'm quite frankly also getting fed up as I feel there's something up, he's quiet and not very communicative, though he claims everythings fine....I just don't know anymore if I should call it off or not....he talks so little, sometimes it feels like i'm talking to myself, I initiate the conversations and usually am the driving force behind them. We barely get much deeper than slagging and talking about our common passion. I guess as bad as my ex was we were always able to talk for hours about anything....he's very different to him, I don't miss or want my ex back, he was everything I DON'T want in a boyfriend at this stage in my life...but the stability I thought i had is now gone, and I'm always expecting him to call it off now

kiffer

While I completely agee tha communication is a keystone of every good relationship I have to say some people do need more space than others... two days is a bit much though I feel especially for minor things, but if they don't get that space then they are pushing back against the idea that they are under siege.
ie he needs say half a day to decompress, you need to engage in conversation and it's not fair on either of you to expect the other to behave out of character... but communication is key... two days is too long for a little calm down retreat.

Also when he does communicate you got mad at him... that's not going to encourage him to do it again.

Edit: have to run to work so this post is cut short... but need to say, stop picturing your ex during sex, it will only make you feel worse and worse.

desbrook

"He realised he has a problem and said he'd work on it "

Eh No - his quietness is a problem in this relationship with you and he has to work on it to maintain this relationship . Otherwise it's not a problem per se.

Don't get me wrong - I can't stand people who don't speak for ages for whatever reason and I'm amazed you have spent two years with him if it causes you a problem. If my gf didn't speak to me for two days I'd be gone .

Some couples however routinely revert to what they often term "picture but no sound " over sometimes minor disagreements . A couple I know do this regularly, make no secret of it, but yet have been together 15 + years and have an apparently happy marriage . They aren't the only ones .

That's kinda all theoretical now as you are wondering if he wants to call it off . Honestly I'd say if he does he does - give him the space and see . I don't think there's any point if fighting it if its how he feels . If you want to finish it do it - but please don't base your decision " getting in first" because you think he want to .

LegacyUser

guest1211 wrote: »

call it off or not.... I initiate the conversations and usually am the driving force behind them. We barely get much deeper than slagging and talking about our common passion.

If this is the case then it's hard to know why you are still seeing him. If conversation isn't free flowing and communication is pretty non existent then what's the point?

Early stages of relationships can be a bit "slaggy" but it has to get deeper than that.

I've split up with numerous people for the reasons you've stated in your quote above. Looks as if you've taken a bit longer to come to the conclusion.