Feel depressed, not motivated, no idea what to do...

hare05

Hi

Came out to my parents as transgender about 2 years ago. Was dealing with so much crap between job, college and stress I was near suicidal. They said they'd cover therapy expenses, I could quit my job and focus on college. So I did. Biggest mistake of my life.

It's 2 years on, they only finally agreed to let me go to a therapist about 6 months ago after I threatened to drop out of college and move out. I'm a week away from my 4th and final appointment with the therapist so I can be referred for HRT, I'm a month away from the repeat exams for this year. With all this **** going on and giant arguments around my birthday in April that nearly had me taking the plunge and cutting my wrists, I failed 4 exams of 6 and the final year project.

At this point I can't take it any more. I've applied for a job I hope I'll get, I intend to get out of this house and away from my dad, and I'm considering getting help for depression and deferring the exams as I just can't focus at all any more. With all this crap going on over the last few years I've lost interest in college, lost interest in my course, lost interest in life, social life, hell, even my computer games no longer entertain me... I feel like I have nothing and I haven't been living for myself for a very long time. I can't remember the last time I've been happy.

I nearly broke down when getting a hair cut today. I need to clean up in case I get called for an interview, but while I was there the girl was talking about what style I wanted and saying not to do this or that with my hair as that would be girly and I nearly cried. I'm 6'5", giant shoulders, bad skin, giant wrinkly forehead and at this point looks like a receding hairline and thin hair at 23, and every day I'm waiting around for my parents to approve and monetarily fund me going on HRT is like a little death as all this becomes more pronounced.

And objectively, I want my degree. I am capable of getting it, I understand the stuff, I just can't focus on anything anymore as any focus on my future only leaves me thinking I'll have no future worth having...

So I'm sitting here pretending to study and browsing reddit and playing games and enjoying none of it and the clock is ticking and the exams are getting closer and I want to care but I can't bring myself to a point where I can just jump into the work...

I can't move out as I have no money, no job, I can't cover college with grants as my dad makes 70k a year and I live at home, he's so financially inept that I still owe €500 from last year's fees while he sends my brother on a €1k holiday and hounds me to study and I just can't ****ing take it anymore...

I can see no options, at all, if I don't get this job, and objectively the job will probably be dependent on me passing my repeats if I do get to an interview, but I can't focus in this house and I can't go anywhere else and I can't go on the dole as I'm a student and I can't get any sort of education or rent allowance as my dad makes too much money which is all spent on crap...

I don't know what to do. I haven't been able to see any options for so long now it scares me...

Taltos

Hi OP

if you prefer this moved to the LGBT forum please let us know.
Many of the posters in that forum will have experienced issues similar to those you are now facing.

Taltos

hare05

Taltos wrote: »

Hi OP

if you prefer this moved to the LGBT forum please let us know.
Many of the posters in that forum will have experienced issues similar to those you are now facing.

Taltos

It was more the depression / motivation side of things I need help with. I'm up to my eyeballs in LGBT resources as it is.

sunshine and showers

Hi OP, my first suggestion is that you should speak to someone in your college about extenuating circumstances. Most colleges have systems in place for when something happens in a student's life (bereavement, illness, etc) that prevents them from sitting exams. Talk to an academic counsellor, or even the welfare officer in your students' union to see what options you have.

Then, see a doctor. Seriously. What you are describing sounds like something that needs to be assessed by a medical professional. A useful resource if you are concerned that you may be suffering from depression is the Aware website. Have a look at it for good information about depression and anxiety, and help that is available.

Your current situation sounds very stressful. I hope it gets better very soon. It will get better, though, so hang in there.