So much anger...

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

A bit of back story before I begin.

My mother has been diagnosed with bi-polar for over 30 years now. She has a particularly severe case of bi polar (at least that's what the doctors say) which makes it tough to treat as she's quite sensitive to her medication so it has to be finely balance. As such she is more prone to highs and lows. In addition, as she's been medicated for so long she's no longer able to take lithium, instead taking less effective substitutes, making her that bit more unstable.

Within the last 5-6 years she has had frequent relapses (she had them a lot at the early stages and throughout her illness but there was a period of 10-12 years where she was fine and managed her illness) in which she has gone very manic. When she is manic she tends to be unpredictable and sometimes violent and aggressive. When these relapses first started happening I was about 16 and it was the worst I had ever seen her and was quite frightening to put it lightly. Fortunately I had my older sister who went through it all with me, explaining to my mother that she needed help, taking her to the hospital, getting her stuff together, admittance, hospital visits 2-3 times a week after that to give her clean clothes etc. Then as she recovered taking her out on day visits, staying with overnight or for a weekend. During these 5-6 years I was doing my LC/in college and I didn't drive so I would often have to walk/bus home from school pick up her stuff and then get two buses to the hospital. I realise that doesn't seem like a lot but it was an hours journey one way so I'd often get home quite late, it was tiring to travel and upsetting to see my mother who was often heavily drugged and barely able to talk (at her worst in hospital). I didn't mind doing any of this and when my sister moved when I started college I took on her role of paying the bills, looking after the family home and making sure my mother had what she needed.

My anger comes from the fact that my mother has quite a large family and they do nothing.

Most recently my mother was in hospital for nine months, the same nine months I was finishing my degree and completing my final year project. That didn't stop me from visiting/calling my mother. Even my sister in a different county came down as often as she could despite the fact she was in the final year of her postgraduate. We would NEVER use our education as an excuse to leave my mother when she needed us most. Her family on the other hand all live in the same county as my mother, some a mere five minutes from our house. In total, all 6 siblings, visited her between 10-15 times in that 9 month period. When she rang them and asked why they didn't come out they told her 1. that they had visited her loads in the past when she was in hospital and that they had done their duty and where done looking after her 2. that the didn't like being in a psychiatric hospital (not a problem if you're only 16 though) and 3. they just didn't have the time. Now I understand everyone has their own things that they have to do whether that's working or looking after the house etc. but how can you not spare an hour in 9 months? No one is that busy.

When my mother was recovering I would come home and stay with her for every day/overnight visit. None of her family offered to stay with her or have her stay in their house. If I wasn't able to stay my sister would come down and stay instead and if she wasn't available one family member might stay for a few hours. Unfortunately they would then spend that time complaining about how unsupportive her children were and that we should drop out of college to stay with her full time because that was our responsibility as her children and we shouldn't be dumping her on the rest of the family.

After 5-6 years of watching my mother's family let her down time and time again I began to resent them. All I would ever hear from them was how we were failing our mother. I was particularly hurt by the actions of one of my mother's siblings, who I'd always been very close to. In the final six months my mother was in hospital they didn't call her once or ring my sister and I to ask how she was or how we were. She didn't ring for Christmas (we messaged her) or for my 21st birthday. I know that's not a big deal but it hurt.

My mother is back on her feet now and is doing well. However she's upset by my anger and asks me to forgive her family. My mother has always been forgiving and she sees nothing but the good in people and wants me to do the same but I can't help but feel I'd be making a fool of myself. Like I'd be essentially crawling back to them despite everything they've done (or not done). It's my mother's decision to forgive her family even though I wish she'd realise the hurt they caused (she doesn't remember much of her hospital stay only the final few weeks when she starts really recovering).

Should I forgive them? Will I regret essentially cutting myself off from them in the future if I don't? Everyone always says family is so important and you'll need them in your life but I can't help but think they weren't referring to mine.

Sorry for the long rant, thanks for reading.

Czarcasm

so_angry wrote: »

Should I forgive them? Will I regret essentially cutting myself off from them in the future if I don't? Everyone always says family is so important and you'll need them in your life but I can't help but think they weren't referring to mine.

Sorry for the long rant, thanks for reading.

Let it go OP, for your own sake. Holding on to that bitterness will be like a noose around your neck and the longer you carry it the heavier it gets.

You don't have to kiss their arses, just be civil to them.