Issues with a friend

candystripes

I have pretty much a small problem but it is bugging me so much that i just have to get some advice on it. I have a friend who I met via our local athletics club. Now we have been friends for a few years but really only through sports. We basically attend all the races/events together etc i.e travel together, stay together and usually because we are of similar ability we always tend to finish races/marathons together - it's just the way it happens really and on marathons we are good company for each other. Anyway two weeks ago there was a local half marathon on and a few of us were doing it from the club, my friend included. We started off all together but I found myself feeling quite good on the day & I pushed on a bit before I had even realized that I had left the group. I of course realized this after a while but thought ah well the goings good so i'll keep running on and meet everybody at the finish - so that's what I did. I was delighted with my time - it's the best time i've every done. However as the week went on I noticed I was getting snotty replies to texts from my friend although she had said nothing directly to me, then last weekend she posted a very snotty little remark on facebook about it - I asked her directly if she was angry with me. So she replies that she's 'disappointed' and 'surprised' that I would leave - and that I was that kind of person etc - but she finished with 'ah well each to their own - I guess that's just the way you are - we'll leave it at that' and then that was it! Now, she is acting like nothing happened at all but still getting in little subtle digs on photos/times etc.

So after all that I really want peoples opinions - was I wrong to continue running on when I was feeling good - I mean we are in an Athletics club that's what we do OR do people agree that I should have stayed back with her (time difference between us was a good half hour).

I am cringing even thinking about this whole issue - I mean jesus we are both in our 30's and married - to think that comments are being posted on facebook etc over something so ridiculous (to me) is just so unreal. She seems to be dragging a few other mates into it to - they haven't said anything but are being quite cool towards me - disappointed isn't the word Genuinely don't think that lads would carry on in this way.

wesf

That is just strange and she is totally in the wrong, any proper friend would be happy for you. Be happy she has shown her true colours and forget her. Life is too short to waste on idiots like that.

DjangoMc

I think you where right to go on ahead. Ah fair play on your best time. Be proud of it! Don't let someone else bring you down for an achievement like that. If she wants to go on like that, leave her to it. Hold your head high.

As for the FB status, she is just trying to bring you down. In my own experience, its jealousy. I could be wrong!

And no, lads don't carry on that way. I say it all the time. Women are mental!!!!

candystripes

Thanks guys - genuinely not just after reassurance that I am not in the wrong, I guess I am wondering how to behave going forwards. For example we have a lot of upcoming runs that we normally would end up doing together - we are registered so how do I behave on the day. i'm afraid to stay with her as it seems like I am giving in, I'm afraid to run on because the same thing will probably happen. I don't know what to do or how to behave. One of the races in particular is an overnighter and involves the other girls who are being a little cold and clearly 'her friends' not mine - I can feel the tension already

The other side to all of this is that I genuinely care about this person - good friend in many other ways - a little bossy perhaps but I always ignore that, she's great fun and we have always had a great laugh when together!

wesf

you would be very silly to hold back while racing. sounds like she's the dominant one in the relationship.
you need to correct that, go to her straight up and ask what her problem is, all you did was run a race and she is sickened she couldn't keep up.
people like that wouldn't get the time of day from me.

Hannibal Smith

Eek...you never stop for anyone if you're doing well on a run. You did exactly the right thing.

The others getting involved are just as petty. ..especially if they're in the same running club. Anyone knows you keep going.

I don't know how you should play it. At the end of the day she's in the wrong so it's up to her to fix it. If it was me I'd be very cool with her. I doubt I'd even acknowledge her in fact.

candystripes

I suppose by way of background we both came from injury and not doing anything really to deciding together to enter as many races etc as possible and to train together so as far as she is concerned we should stick together as we entered all of this together. Now as I said normally that's all fine with me but for some reason I just felt good in the half and went for it - without even thinking that it would be an issue. Low and behold its become an issue that I can't stop thinking about even though she now seems to want to forget it completely...... my husband says that yes that's all well and good but what if she only forgets until the next time? I don't know whether to also pretend that nothing happened or to stick to my guns and do my own thing thereby alienating her (i don't really want to lose the friendship either though)

I should say that the other friends worship her & would always always take her side even if she was wrong so i'm not too bothered by them really - they know each other outside of the Club and I would not expect them to stand up for me at all! . Pissed off though that I seem to have been the last to find out that there was a problem - i'm not the most sensitive to moods!

wesf

You don't have a friendship to lose. A real friend would not behave this way, it's as black and white as that. As Hannibal said, I wouldn't even acknowledge her, she'll come crawling back, trust me.
Then it's down to you if you wanna waste your time on her.
If she thinks she's the leader of the group then she can't handle 2nd place, that's her problem.
Personally I would leave her eating my dust every race

Hannibal Smith

wesf wrote: »

You don't have a friendship to lose. A real friend would not behave this way, it's as black and white as that. As Hannibal said, I wouldn't even acknowledge her, she'll come crawling back, trust me.
Then it's down to you if you wanna waste your time on her.
If she thinks she's the leader of the group then she can't handle 2nd place, that's her problem.
Personally I would leave her eating my dust every race

Haahaa ^^^this

Big Bag of Chips

Next time you are driving to a race with her, bring it up. Say you are delighted with your time in the half, and you couldn't believe how great you felt all during it. You haven't done anything wrong, so you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Maybe if you're doing a run with her, and you're feeling good again you could just say "I'm going to head on, see you in a while.. good luck".

It's admirable that you started together, and when you start out it's great to have the company and moral support of someone else. But you shouldn't hold each other back. You'll never improve at that rate. As it is now a precedence has been set. She's "the boss" so doesn't like when something happens that she hasn't planned on. You don't need her permission to move on. I have a friend who is a much stronger runner than I am. I am happy to let her go on ahead, and she is always there at the finish to congratulate me on whatever time I do. I don't feel like I'm in competition with her. You need to set a new precedence with this one. She'll soon get used to it

candystripes

ah were it that simple it would be okay but I'm down to go away for all these weekends racing all over the country - a lot of time traveling together and staying in the same rooms. I am definitely pissed over the entire situation but my real annoyance stems from the fact that she instigated all of this and yet now wants to forget it .... therefore if I raise the issue again ( when it all kicked off I didn't really defend myself too much as I was quite shocked that it was even an issue) she'll make out that I'm making the big deal of it and should just let it go etc and move on - it will escalate quickly I fear. That's the way she left the conversation I basically tried to explain what had happened on the day, she made out that she wasn't mad but was 'disappointed' but basically said (in so many words) that what's done is done now and we live and learn so we'll just move on now!! (the tone of it suggests that I messed up but she'll forgive me this time)

So say something? or just put it down as a bump in the road and move on?

Good advice Big bag of chips -hadn't read that at time of posting this.

stinkle

I know its difficult to predict but if next time you race you feel strong enough to push ahead then do, even for a little bit. That way you won't be giving in and you'll be making pg it clear that you're your own boss. If expected times etc are mentioned then be positive, eg "be great if I could go at the same pace as last time" or "fingers crossed for another pb". You've nothing to apologise for and should be proud of your time.

That probably doesn't help with the travelling to the race bit unfortunately. Its not nice if there's a bad atmosphere. I would say something to her but I also see your point about it being awkward now she's apparently 'forgotten' it all

Katgurl

I'd be super pi$$Ed off truth be told. everyone goes for their PB when racing, i've never ever waited or been waited for by a friend. I know my brother who does an awful lot of these things would say the same, he wouldn't dream of waiting for anyone. I did my first half marathon with him, i was really nervous (first timer & post injury), he gave me advice all the way there but when the running started all i saw were the retreating backs of him and the other people we went with. They were all there cheering me over the finishing line at the end - none of them came in the same time either. .

But its not even that that would bother me. It's the "that's the type of person you are" followed by "let's just forget about it". So basically, she can throw out character slurs and give you no opportunity to defend yourself?

Anyway, this is an advice forum but I don't really have any because you've said you don't want to lose the friendship but in my mind she sounds like a self-entitled tw@t. I guess if you don't want the bother, just close your ears to her little digs.

You have definitely done nothign wrong here.

Chucky the tree

She's acting like a bit of a child now, and the passive aggressive way she has dealt with it would make me want to avoid her in the future. However I do think it was poor form to run on considering for every other race you's have stayed together. It's possible at times she felt she could have pulled on ahead but stuck at the same pace. If it was your first race and there had been no routine set then it would be completely fine but to stick together for a number of years and then on run race have a running partner just go on ahead would be a bit "wtf?".

December2012

Sometimes it is just preferable, for me, to feel justified that I know I did nothing wrong, but to accept that another might have a different perspective.

Then I don't worry about their perspectives, I can just forget about it and forget about being annoyed at them for what they did (in this case the sly digs).

That way I've kept the friendships I've wanted to, kept my confidence and yet developed a thick skin about comments by others.

It truly has made my life easier.

rainbowtrout

candystripes wrote: »

she made out that she wasn't mad but was 'disappointed' but basically said (in so many words) that what's done is done now and we live and learn so we'll just move on now!! (the tone of it suggests that I messed up but she'll forgive me this time)

Is that the classic domineering, bullying, controlling tactic? She does something wrong, puts the blame on you and then 'forgives' you for your mistake, rinse and repeat, when you did nothing wrong in the first place.

Go to the next race, if she's still being a tool, all you have to say is 'Now that I've put the time in on training, I feel I can run faster, improve my time etc, etc, I can't see why you would have a problem with that'

She'll either do one of two things: back down because she'll realise you won't take shit from her or distance herself proving how immature she is.

Seriously, this woman is in her 30s and jealous of you doing well at running????

trio

Well frankly her passive-agressive stance has left you with only one course of action. She recommends you put it behind you? Then fine.

Act like it never happened, travel down with her, stay overnight with her, laugh gaily at her lame jokes.......and then let her watch your arse twinkling down the road ahead of her.

Cos whats the alternative? Realistically? To slow yourself down to stay with her. And then you may as well write "I am your b***h" on your sweatband.

So fake it. Fake all the joys of summer. Be a DELIGHT. And run as much as you want. After three or four races you'll have established yourself as having gone up a level. And if she's still being petty? She'll have started to look downright petty and wierd.

(By the way? She IS petty and wierd)

candystripes

Chucky the tree wrote: »

. However I do think it was poor form to run on considering for every other race you's have stayed together. It's possible at times she felt she could have pulled on ahead but stuck at the same pace. If it was your first race and there had been no routine set then it would be completely fine but to stick together for a number of years and then on run race have a running partner just go on ahead would be a bit "wtf?".

Hi appreciate all the comments. I guess from my point of view, there was no formal agreement to stay together - defo an agreement to attend together and travel back and forth together, do the photos etc but when it comes to the actual running part we always just ended up together due to being of a similar ability. I have found myself lately being capable of a bit more and so wanting to push myself on a bit. Now, had she been on her own then no I wouldn't have pushed on but she was with a few others from our club and they all stuck together and finished together ( I should also mention as well that two of the people in this group are people that she regularly runs with during the week i.e her friends) . Look realistically it's not the hanging back issue that really gets me and I have hung back in the past - i'm not super competitive by any stretch. It's the way in which she went about letting me know she was pissed off i.e via facebook for all to see and then the way she ranted about it to a few others, However as soon as her rant was done she wants to move on and forget all about it whilst I am left wondering all week - what the hell just happened and why is she being so cold to me and more importantly will it happen again?

Chucky the tree

Well if it's the treatment after I'd just start cutting down on contact with her. She doesn't seem like a person who you should bother wasting any time on.