Can't get over her and what (didn't) happen

LegacyUser

Back in January I developed a bit of a thing with a girl I worked with. We'd text each other a lot, talk a lot etc and then finally one Friday night she came out with me and my friends and we went home together. I was very sexually inexperienced for my age (26) and was quite nervous and quite drunk. I ejaculated prematurely and then couldn't rise to the occasion again. We went for a couple of dates midweek and twice more we met up again on nights out. I get seriously angry at myself even just writing this, but both times I was very drunk and both times I couldn't get hard. I did my best to please her anyway but she was obviously disappointed. I really liked her and I could tell she liked me too but she quite obviously (and totally understandably) cooled things off after that.

I'm aware that I handled the situation in the worst way possible. I could have come clean about my lack of experience or nerves, I could have told her I wanted to take things slowly or above all I could have just not drank. The impression she would have got is that I took her for dates midweek and then at the weekend I met up with her for a booty call that I couldn't follow through on, and I fully understand why she cooled things off with me. Really, I was scared of being a disappointment sexually and drank to overcome this fear, which in turn caused the sexual disappointment.

We still talk to each other and have a good relationship but she has left the country and the likelihood is I won't ever see her again. We've never really discussed what happened, although she once made a reference about how I should see a 'dick doctor.' Outwardly I don't give off the impression of being so unexperienced with girls, and she would never have suspected the extent of it (Prior to her I'd had sex once in my life, various messy one night stands where stuff had happened but due to premature ejaculation or being unable to get it up due to drink not full sex, a handful of dates).

The incident woke me up to some serious harsh realities about myself and my relationship with alcohol and women. However I just can't stop beating myself up about what happened. Literally every day at least at some point I will think about it and I will get so angry at how stupid I was. She is very good-looking, has a really warm personality and even after what happened we got on very well. I felt very comfortable and happy in her company and I think she felt the same way. I've got over crushes before, but this is different.

Not only do I have to get over her, I have to get over the fact that I'm not with her because of my own stupidity. This is on top of having to come to terms with how my lack of sexual experience is going to be an issue in any future relationship, and one I'm going to have to actually face with courage. I also have to question whether I suffer from some form of erectile dysfunction (although I have had sex since then which makes me think my problems in that area in the past stemmed from alcohol and nerves).

I don't really know what advice people can give me here, maybe it's more that I needed to get it off my chest. How can I move on with my life? I feel that I've taken some serious life lessons from the experience, but how can I stop myself thinking about her every day, which in turn gets me thinking about what happened, which then in turn eats away at my self-confidence and self-esteem?

I've had major crushes on girls before, I've been rejected before and I know that time generally heals it, but in this case it hasn't at all.

I realise this is quite the mess of a situation, but any advice or comments would be seriously appreciated.

December2012

But she didn't leave the country because of it - so you are not apart because of the sex.

However, I can understand your embarrassment and I think that would be normal for anyone in your circumstances.

Your confidence sounds low - how old are you?

I obviously can't offer any medical advice but a GP could help - or maybe working on your confidence and cutting down drink?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

But she didn't leave the country because of it - so you are not apart because of the sex.

However, I can understand your embarrassment and I think that would be normal for anyone in your circumstances.

Your confidence sounds low - how old are you?

I obviously can't offer any medical advice but a GP could help - or maybe working on your confidence and cutting down drink?

We dated for about a month, but then after the third time this happened she quite obviously cooled things off and any kind of relationship petered out. We were still friends, and then a few months later she left the country.

I'm 26. This has definitely seriously dented my confidence and I'm trying to work on building it back up now. But the fact I can't forget this is proving a serious obstacle in doing that.

ivytwine

cantmoveon wrote: »

We still talk to each other and have a good relationship but she has left the country and the likelihood is I won't ever see her again. We've never really discussed what happened, although she once made a reference about how I should see a 'dick doctor.'
The incident woke me up to some serious harsh realities about myself and my relationship with alcohol and women. However I just can't stop beating myself up about what happened. Literally every day at least at some point I will think about it and I will get so angry at how stupid I was. She is very good-looking, has a really warm personality and even after what happened we got on very well. I felt very comfortable and happy in her company and I think she felt the same way. I've got over crushes before, but this is different.

I bolded that sentence because it really really stuck out to me.

Clearly you put this woman on a pedestal. You have pinned all of the blame on yourself here but it does take two to tango and her reaction to my mind was quite immature.

She did not discuss it with you, or try and encourage you to feel better about yourself, or be understanding. She pretended like nothing had happened and made some vague and pretty insulting reference to a dick doctor. Not mature behaviour. Not understanding. Not the girl for you.

I'm a woman and I understand that sometimes these things happen, or don't happen. I would never belittle a man like that;I don't know what it's like to be in that position and I'd realise it's humiliating for him.

Please don't beat yourself up about this girl, it's too late. Maybe go to your GP or even a counsellor, but don't feel like this is it for you. It's not. You'll find someone else you like just as much, I'm sure of it.

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

I bolded that sentence because it really really stuck out to me.

Clearly you put this woman on a pedestal. You have pinned all of the blame on yourself here but it does take two to tango and her reaction to my mind was quite immature.

She did not discuss it with you, or try and encourage you to feel better about yourself, or be understanding. She pretended like nothing had happened and made some vague and pretty insulting reference to a dick doctor. Not mature behaviour. Not understanding. Not the girl for you.

I'm a woman and I understand that sometimes these things happen, or don't happen. I would never belittle a man like that;I don't know what it's like to be in that position and I'd realise it's humiliating for him.

Please don't beat yourself up about this girl, it's too late. Maybe go to your GP or even a counsellor, but don't feel like this is it for you. It's not. You'll find someone else you like just as much, I'm sure of it.

Wow thanks very much for posting this. As I read it I realised how true it was, especially the pedestal part. There are lessons I can take from the whole situation, but I definitely need to stop being so hard on myself too.

I wouldn't generally take 6 months to forgive somebody for something they've done, so why am I taking so long to forgive myself...

ivytwine

cantmoveon wrote: »

Wow thanks very much for posting this. As I read it I realised how true it was, especially the pedestal part. There are lessons I can take from the whole situation, but I definitely need to stop being so hard on myself too.

I wouldn't generally take 6 months to forgive somebody for something they've done, so why am I taking so long to forgive myself...

Glad it helped you OP. What you say about forgiving yourself is very true. If someone treated our friends how we treat ourselves a lot of the time we'd be outraged. It's a good idea to take a step back and be kind to yourself.

Good luck, I really do wish you the best. Maybe do think about counselling just to work through this

Mayboy

This may sound mad - but it has worked for me on many occasions where I really was beating myself up about similar stuff.

Ask yourself - if you were to die tomorrow (hopefully not I add) would this make any difference?
If you were on your deathbed aged 90 would you regret this?

I think you are beating yourself up about this - can you sit quietly and just let the thoughts come in and out (like in meditation) and not attach yourself to the thoughts or pass judgement on them? They are only your (biased) commentary on a situation that is gone.

You can learn from the situation but you wont learn anything from the beating up bit.

Maybe this helps?

simply simple

Well, I wont comment on it coz there are chances that we might be seeing just one side of the coin but the basic concern here is not what you did or what happened, in fact it is how should you tackle your current situation, no matter how that was created, either try to change it if you really want to( which would be not a good idea as per my opinion) or map out the ways to move on. Since childhood we make mistakes, learn from it but never blame ourselves throughout our life or more than few days about why did we put our hand on hot kettle? Hope you get my point.
You seem like a gentle man taking much effort to think about the entire thing which not every one has courage to do. BE HAPPY! after all thats what you are looking for at the end, aren't you?