Cant make friends in boyfriends hometown

LegacyUser · 29-07-2013 6:58pm #1

Hi need some advice please!
I moved to my boyfriends homeplace over 2 years ago.. and still have no friends of my own. I ve met a few while I was working from outside of this place and still meet them sometimes but its not the same...
if we go out people will talk to me.. and be nice .. but that's it.. I don't have anyone to call to me or anyone to call to.. we had issues with his sister who made zero effort yet the same age... and her only answer was that she is busy...
it s hard not to take it personal.. sometimes I get so lonely I just cry uncontrollably.. I am unemployed and looking for work now so spend most of my time at home.. nearly 3 hours away..
One thing that bugs me is my boyfriends friends partner talks to me when she is on her own. . then if she is with her own group of friends she doesn't bother introducing me or inviting me over to talk to them... I feel like a twelve year old sometimes being excluded... and feeling shy to put myself out there.... its an issue that keeps coming up and being realistic we cant move because he has work here.. what happens if we have kids and im completely on my own? should I feel angry towards this girl who only speaks to me when her friends aren't around or how do I deal with it.? by the way in other areas of life I find it easy to make friends .. we are in a notoriously clicky part of the country?

freshpopcorn · 29-07-2013 7:23pm

Could you try and join a club in the area where you could meet people with interests like yourself or could you enroll in a night class where you could meet people. These thing can often lead to good friendships.

LegacyUser · 29-07-2013 7:59pm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Could you try and join a club in the area where you could meet people with interests like yourself or could you enroll in a night class where you could meet people. These thing can often lead to good friendships.

i did try a club.. still found the women very clicky apart from one or two who weren't from here but they stopped going due to kids etc...
I just don't understand why the women here cant make some effort .. my other half thinks its ignorance... and they don't do it on purpose.. but I am the type of person who would make an effort with someone if the roles were reversed...
I don't think things are going to change here much... thanks for your reply

lola2013 · 29-07-2013 8:27pm

hi! i am in the exact same situation as you! at least your not the only one if that is any help!!!!:D but i don't have the solution either. my area is vvv 'clicky' too....

LegacyUser · 30-07-2013 9:25am

lola2013 wrote: »

hi! i am in the exact same situation as you! at least your not the only one if that is any help!!!!:D but i don't have the solution either. my area is vvv 'clicky' too....

How do you deal with it? are you in your boyfriends home place... ? Thanks for your reply!

lola2013 · 30-07-2013 1:11pm

yup im in his home area, and its not even a town, its a tiny village! there just does not seem to be any other girls my age living here. seriously, even in the pub, its all men!!! i have decided to make a plan, or else i'll go nuts! im in the middle of trying to get fit, im signing up for courses in things im interested in, and im using all the spare time i have (because there is absolutely nothing else to do here!) to do stuff i always wanted to do....historical walks, starting baking, knitting, free courses online for my hobby bit of cv. (all has to be cheap coz im broke) iv also made a time line and a list of a few personal things i want to achieve. iv just accepted that i cant move from here at the moment (work) and im going to use the time to make 'me' as good as possible. then in a few years ill look back and say yup, im glad i got fit/lost weight/did that course because it benefits me now because.....

dont get me wrong - it has not been easy - a lot of fights/tears/mini-breakups etc. i just feel iv to look on the bright side or i'll go mad.

hope this helps! maybe its just the ramblings of a mad woman!!

feel free to pm me if you want to rant/chat more.

emmabrighton · 30-07-2013 1:24pm

Hi LonelyBones, I was in the exact same situation as you. I am from Dublin and moved down to where my OH is from. Not only are they clicky but are also notorious gossips and resentful of people who do well.

Everyone in the area gossips and not in a good way. You never hear - oh Johnny from up the road got into Medicine in UCD but rather Mary, Johnny Seniors wife, is apparently having a fling with the postman. No surprise there, sure shes like the village bicycle once you get a few drinks into her. Johnny, who had to repeat his leaving cert, might not even be poor Johnny seniors son... and so on.

Anyway, I'm afraid, I cant tell you anything good came of moving down there with my OH. Did do some classes - yoga, spinning and the like. But any of the friends I made were "outsiders" and "foreigners" lol. Grand bunch of lads those Poles and Estonians

...Also, I ended up taking a job in Limerick Monday thru Friday. Made great friends there too. Some people just don't like the status quo being messed with... You're probably in one of those areas... they are going to eye you with suspicion, I'm afraid.

LegacyUser · 30-07-2013 1:51pm

lonelybones wrote: »

Hi need some advice please!
I moved to my boyfriends homeplace over 2 years ago.. and still have no friends of my own. I ve met a few while I was working from outside of this place and still meet them sometimes but its not the same...
if we go out people will talk to me.. and be nice .. but that's it.. I don't have anyone to call to me or anyone to call to.. we had issues with his sister who made zero effort yet the same age... and her only answer was that she is busy...
it s hard not to take it personal.. sometimes I get so lonely I just cry uncontrollably.. I am unemployed and looking for work now so spend most of my time at home.. nearly 3 hours away..
One thing that bugs me is my boyfriends friends partner talks to me when she is on her own. . then if she is with her own group of friends she doesn't bother introducing me or inviting me over to talk to them... I feel like a twelve year old sometimes being excluded... and feeling shy to put myself out there.... its an issue that keeps coming up and being realistic we cant move because he has work here.. what happens if we have kids and im completely on my own? should I feel angry towards this girl who only speaks to me when her friends aren't around or how do I deal with it.? by the way in other areas of life I find it easy to make friends .. we are in a notoriously clicky part of the country?

I think that your anger is very misplaced. You moved to a small place, where people have probably known each other their whole lives, and you are getting annoyed because you aren't instantly accepted. That's not people being in a clique; that's just because they simply don't know you for very long, relatively speaking.

Being annoyed because his sister is busy, or his friend's GF would rather speak to her own friends is quite unreasonable. You said that they talk to you, and are nice to you. They're not obliged to mind you! You need to make an effort to make your own way, and stop getting annoyed because others aren't doing it for you

LegacyUser · 30-07-2013 2:37pm

emmabrighton wrote: »

Hi LonelyBones, I was in the exact same situation as you. I am from Dublin and moved down to where my OH is from. Not only are they clicky but are also notorious gossips and resentful of people who do well.

Everyone in the area gossips and not in a good way. You never hear - oh Johnny from up the road got into Medicine in UCD but rather Mary, Johnny Seniors wife, is apparently having a fling with the postman. No surprise there, sure shes like the village bicycle once you get a few drinks into her. Johnny, who had to repeat his leaving cert, might not even be poor Johnny seniors son... and so on.

Anyway, I'm afraid, I cant tell you anything good came of moving down there with my OH. Did do some classes - yoga, spinning and the like. But any of the friends I made were "outsiders" and "foreigners" lol. Grand bunch of lads those Poles and Estonians ...Also, I ended up taking a job in Limerick Monday thru Friday. Made great friends there too. Some people just don't like the status quo being messed with... You're probably in one of those areas... they are going to eye you with suspicion, I'm afraid.

Hi I had to laugh reading your response we could actually be living in the same place ... that s so funny.. they are the exact same where I am ... the gossip in poisonous... I got really sick of it one day. when I heard a woman say.. that someone was only being nice to an elderly neighbour because they obviously wanted their house when they passed on... that was enough for me! my mother at home looks in on all my neighbours.. so if that's the case she s looking for a lot of inheritance... it actually made me sad because I was thinking of dropping around dinner for the person and now I cant because that how people will talk! I do feel they look at me with suspicion especially the women.. at a wedding recently this drunken guy was annoying me talking dribble and his wife looked as though she wanted to stab me! I do find the men a lot friendlier than the women tho!
The gossip really is toxic... I just cant settle there I spend my time wondering is it me .. have I approached this all wrong.. should I make more of an effort but I really don't know how?

LegacyUser · 30-07-2013 2:43pm

Misplaced anger wrote: »

I think that your anger is very misplaced. You moved to a small place, where people have probably known each other their whole lives, and you are getting annoyed because you aren't instantly accepted. That's not people being in a clique; that's just because they simply don't know you for very long, relatively speaking.

Being annoyed because his sister is busy, or his friend's GF would rather speak to her own friends is quite unreasonable. You said that they talk to you, and are nice to you. They're not obliged to mind you! You need to make an effort to make your own way, and stop getting annoyed because others aren't doing it for you

I see where your coming from.. I suppose it s just a bit frustrating when someone only speaks to you when they don't have anyone else to talk to .. if I was spending time with someone out in my home place with my boyfriend and I kinda knew them I would invite them over to my friends or at least introduce them ... I think its bad manners myself... I just don't want to socialise with these people anymore... it was the same when I was car pooling to work the lady I went with would be all chat and then if we were picking up a local not a word would be said to me .. when there was someone else there.. as I am a blow in .. obviously I don't have any thing interesting to say to them or that s how it seems....
I just think its nice to make an effort with people.. my boyfriends friends with partners from other places have moved away.. because they weren't given any support by people in the village...

Big Bag of Chips · 30-07-2013 2:54pm

OP, I may be way off, but I think you might be projecting a lot of your own feelings and insecurities onto the "locals". I live in an area I didn't grow up in. The locals are all much friendlier with each other than they are with me - but they don't ignore me. They know each other years. They have history, they all know the same people. I've only known them a short time.

I lived here for 3 years before my kids started going to school. It was only when my kids started school that I really started to make friends. And funnily enough it was with the other "blow-ins"! But I now consider these people my "best friends".. and we have a great little group who we can call on and depend on in any emergency.

The girl who you think will only speak to you if she's on her own? I would see that in a totally different way. If she's on her own, she'll approach you to talk to you. If she's with her friends, then she doesn't even think of you (not in a bad way - but as in she's not deliberately avoiding you) But then YOU become the one who are on your own... so why don't you approach her and ask "Do you mind if I join you?".

You are the new person in the area, so whether you like it or not, the onus is on you to make the effort. The locals are just doing what they always do.. if you want to join in you have to put yourself out there. Nobody is going to take an adult by the hand and "mind" them. People tend to let others do their own thing. So by not inviting you, they are not ignoring you, but instead letting you do your own thing, and they assume if you want to join them you will. If you want to join in, I would think it's up to you to approach them.

LegacyUser · 30-07-2013 3:04pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I may be way off, but I think you might be projecting a lot of your own feelings and insecurities onto the "locals". I live in an area I didn't grow up in. The locals are all much friendlier with each other than they are with me - but they don't ignore me. They know each other years. They have history, they all know the same people. I've only known them a short time.

I lived here for 3 years before my kids started going to school. It was only when my kids started school that I really started to make friends. And funnily enough it was with the other "blow-ins"! But I now consider these people my "best friends".. and we have a great little group who we can call on and depend on in any emergency.

The girl who you think will only speak to you if she's on her own? I would see that in a totally different way. If she's on her own, she'll approach you to talk to you. If she's with her friends, then she doesn't even think of you (not in a bad way - but as in she's not deliberately avoiding you) But then YOU become the one who are on your own... so why don't you approach her and ask "Do you mind if I join you?".

You are the new person in the area, so whether you like it or not, the onus is on you to make the effort. The locals are just doing what they always do.. if you want to join in you have to put yourself out there. Nobody is going to take an adult by the hand and "mind" them. People tend to let others do their own thing. So by not inviting you, they are not ignoring you, but instead letting you do your own thing, and they assume if you want to join them you will. If you want to join in, I would think it's up to you to approach them.

I have to disagree with you here but appreciate your reply... she walked past me 4 or five times and I said hello everytime.. and she didn't look at me... then the last time I said it she said oh hi never saw you!!
I wouldn't feel welcome asking them could I join them to be honest.. I m in a different mindset.. I would always invite someone over if I was in that position... I actually invited her over when my friend was down before because I could see she was bored with her partner and his friend watching sports.. so its just common courtesy or basic manners in my book... we are going to be spending time together in the future due to our partners being friends so it just makes it awkward knowing when I talk to her . she wont be talking to me next time when her friends are there ?

freshpopcorn · 30-07-2013 3:41pm

Well people living in local areas tend to know each other better than people from cities in general and if somebody new moves in your a stranger and these people will have to accept you. These people often have grown up together from when they were babies.
You mentioned about gossip in the area in particular about a woman saying that a woman said somebody was only looking after there neighbor to get the persons house. I have heard this plenty of times in my local town from both men and women.
I have two aunts: Aunt number one is liked but she lives 70 miles away and he travels down to the village she grew up in a lot to help out her elderly brother and do odd jobs for him and she brings him places. She also does this where she lives (also rural town)and people generally like her. She has a cabinet in her kitchen with all her neighbors keys and she looks after there houses if there away for holidays/etc. She also babysits there kids and collect them from school if there stuck. She helps young couples out, the guy who had a fight with his parents and needs a house to stay and the elderly who might need a bit if help. I have often met people on buses and if I mention my home town to them they mention how good she is and how people like her.
Aunt 2 she calls to her older neighbors a few times a week and she gets them pay for dinner if she drives them somewhere, she borrows money of them and doesn't pay it back and one day the old lady down the road died. Before her family had a chance my aunt went to her house and went through all her stuff and she told her family it was all rubbish or fit for the charity shop. The persons rings/expensive items went missing and there was nothing the family could do about. This aunt is gossiped about in a bad way people can see that she is after people for there money etc. Because the community is rural and people know her they know what shes like. If you heard my mam say that Mary is after Ms Byrnes house/stuff now you would say she was a gossip but you don't know the full story. People often talk about these thing to make people aware of people and to be careful of them.
NOW BACK TO HELPING YOU: Have you ever just texted your brothers sister to meet up for a drink or could you just have a coffee together. You could also invite her somewhere like the cinema/spa just say you had a voucher that you wanted to use. It would be an opportunity for ye to bond.
Have you every played bingo? I know where I live loads of young women in there 20/30 as well as those in there 70's goes off on a bus to loads of places playing bingo a couple of times a week. This could be away you coul d meet new people to talk to.

LegacyUser · 30-07-2013 4:00pm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Well people living in local areas tend to know each other better than people from cities in general and if somebody new moves in your a stranger and these people will have to accept you. These people often have grown up together from when they were babies.
You mentioned about gossip in the area in particular about a woman saying that a woman said somebody was only looking after there neighbor to get the persons house. I have heard this plenty of times in my local town from both men and women.
I have two aunts: Aunt number one is liked but she lives 70 miles away and he travels down to the village she grew up in a lot to help out her elderly brother and do odd jobs for him and she brings him places. She also does this where she lives (also rural town)and people generally like her. She has a cabinet in her kitchen with all her neighbors keys and she looks after there houses if there away for holidays/etc. She also babysits there kids and collect them from school if there stuck. She helps young couples out, the guy who had a fight with his parents and needs a house to stay and the elderly who might need a bit if help. I have often met people on buses and if I mention my home town to them they mention how good she is and how people like her.
Aunt 2 she calls to her older neighbors a few times a week and she gets them pay for dinner if she drives them somewhere, she borrows money of them and doesn't pay it back and one day the old lady down the road died. Before her family had a chance my aunt went to her house and went through all her stuff and she told her family it was all rubbish or fit for the charity shop. The persons rings/expensive items went missing and there was nothing the family could do about. This aunt is gossiped about in a bad way people can see that she is after people for there money etc. Because the community is rural and people know her they know what shes like. If you heard my mam say that Mary is after Ms Byrnes house/stuff now you would say she was a gossip but you don't know the full story. People often talk about these thing to make people aware of people and to be careful of them.
NOW BACK TO HELPING YOU: Have you ever just texted your brothers sister to meet up for a drink or could you just have a coffee together. You could also invite her somewhere like the cinema/spa just say you had a voucher that you wanted to use. It would be an opportunity for ye to bond.
Have you every played bingo? I know where I live loads of young women in there 20/30 as well as those in there 70's goes off on a bus to loads of places playing bingo a couple of times a week. This could be away you coul d meet new people to talk to.

HI Thanks for your reply... I honestly think this visiting neighbour is only trying to do good as this person is widowed and on their own .. it hurt me to hear it being said .. as I thinking of keeping myself busy or trying to get involved in the community by dropping in or making dinner sometime... (they are a relative of my partner).. but after I heard that I certainly will not... It also hurt as my mam does similar things.. with all neighbours over the year.. she was never left a thing and continued to do it so obviously was nt doing it for the wrong reasons..... !
We have asked the sister to do plenty things.. she will ask us at the last minute to do something and if we cant or already have plans .. she will go around saying "well I asked them to do something and then there giving out when you don't ask" as I said its always last minute.. so we do have a life of our own as well....
my partners friend moved away when he met his wife.. I ve heard awful stories about her.. nothing true just bitterness .. and gossiping about them when I met her she seemed lovely but she does avoid this village for the same reasons... so It made me wonder what do people say about me... when were out I always give my partner money for drinks to go to the bar for me and im sure they say I never put a hand in my pocket either...or other things... I don't know.. they are things I like about the place.. but having no friends really gets me down.. it off the beaten track so there aren't even tourists there or many people from outside..

Potatoeman · 30-07-2013 10:24pm

Do you have any shared interests? You want to make friends because you need to make new ones but they don't seem to need more friends so they don't have the incentive. If you had some common ground or shared interests they might want to spend time with you. Think about where you meet you existing friends and why you liked them.

Idle Passerby · 31-07-2013 10:35am

Hi OP,
I have to agree with you that it can be very hard making new friends particularly in smaller towns where everyone has been friends with the same people for years. They don't understand what its like to be a newcomer. I think you will have to be the one to initiate new friendships.

The girl who chats to you but doesn't introduce you to her friends, next time go over and join them, introduce yourself and try to join in. I don't think you should be angry at her, simply because it would be a waste of time, being angry at someone whose a bit rude wont change them and it wont make you any happier.

What about doing some voluntary work? You might meet people with similar interests that way. I think its easier to make one new friend and then meet people through them than trying to befriend a whole group of people at the same time.

How about inviting some of your own friends from home to visit you? You could bring them out and if you bump into people you know it might be easier to join in.

Big Bag of Chips · 31-07-2013 10:47am

Lonely Bones wrote: »

I wouldn't feel welcome asking them could I join them to be honest.. I m in a different mindset.. I would always invite someone over if I was in that position...

Well that's your problem then. Just because you think one way, doesn't mean everyone does. You want to have people to talk to, yet you won't approach them. Preferring instead to wait for them to come to you... but that's not happening. So then what?

I prefer to think people aren't ignoring me. Maybe I'm being naive, but I've never felt like I'm bothering anyone if I go over to a group and join in? You prefer to think that you are deliberately being left out of the group. Maybe you are.. but if you ask "do you mind if I join you?" they are hardly likely to say "Well we do actually".

If this girl is with a group of people, and doesn't speak to you, so what... there will be others in the group who do speak to you, and make the effort to include you.

I will stress though - in this situation it is totally up to you to involve yourself with the locals. Not up to the locals to take you by the hand and bring you in. Maybe if you approach them once or twice, then they will start to include you. So that if you walk into the pub some night you will actually be called over? But for now, they don't know whether you want to be included or not. For all we know they might think you are stuck up and happy to sit with your bf away from them all??

LegacyUser · 31-07-2013 5:53pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

Do you have any shared interests? You want to make friends because you need to make new ones but they don't seem to need more friends so they don't have the incentive. If you had some common ground or shared interests they might want to spend time with you. Think about where you meet you existing friends and why you liked them.

I ve thought about things I may have in common with them but I don't know anyone well enough to say.... they usually talk about people I don't know and gossip so I don't really have anything to add..
I did go to counselling about it as I was at my wits end.. my counsellor told me she moved 6 miles from her home place and no -one accepted her family.. she basically said your in a tough part of the country to move to and people are looking at you with suspicion... ! someone mentioned when my friends come down to join up.. . and I have and do do that.. but then when Im on my own.. its back to square one again... it would just be nice if one person... made an effort.... !
#thanks for all replies

Emme · 01-08-2013 8:39am

LonelyBones wrote: »

I ve thought about things I may have in common with them but I don't know anyone well enough to say.... they usually talk about people I don't know and gossip so I don't really have anything to add..
I did go to counselling about it as I was at my wits end.. my counsellor told me she moved 6 miles from her home place and no -one accepted her family.. she basically said your in a tough part of the country to move to and people are looking at you with suspicion... ! someone mentioned when my friends come down to join up.. . and I have and do do that.. but then when Im on my own.. its back to square one again... it would just be nice if one person... made an effort.... !
#thanks for all replies

OP, in most cases if you make the effort it will eventually bear fruit and you will be included by some people. Even so, your counsellor is right. Some parts of the country are very tough and outsiders aren't accepted whatever they do. I know of one town in Co Kildare where outsiders are never accepted and that applies to businesses as well as people. The town implemented policies that prevented large chain stores setting up there and it stopped a ring road or bypass being built around the town. Basically they prevented anything which would have improved business and now the town is dying.

The people in the town are cliquey and even though several people moved in there during the boom they never really mixed. The newcomers stick together and the locals don't welcome anyone, including returned locals who might have lived away for a number of years and came back. Locals who never left the town might find it difficult to understand the problems newcomers have, but anyone who leaves and comes back is treated like an outsider and is often subject to begrudgery.

If you are living in a town like this you are flogging a dead horse trying to get accepted. Find a hobby you enjoy and get absorbed in it. Invite friends to stay with you or go to see them. If you have children this might help because you will be meeting other parents at school, GAA etc.

Cant make friends in boyfriends hometown

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