Why am I a cancer to close friendships?

LegacyUser

I've noticed a pattern over the years ever since I was about 18 (I'm 23 now) that I seem to grow into a cancer to close friendships. When I was in my teenage years I suffered bullying and could never really find myself but when I went to college that all changed as I was exposed to people with the same interests as me and so forth. But I've noticed that for each close friendship I formed, I tend to become more and more paranoid, jealous, self-pitying, controlling, aggressive and I become an emotional wreck not being able to deal with the friendship appropriately. At the start, all my friendships start really well and I get on great, same interests, enjoying things etc. Then, suddenly, as the months pass and I get closer, I tend to overthink it and almost become emotionally obsessed to the point where I damage it, mostly irreversibly.

I'm embarrassed to say that every close friendship has been the same and I end up pushing away my close friends and it just doesn't appear that I have any control over it. I was diagnosed with a version of autism spectrum disorder but I don't know if this is linked as my emotional boundaries are somewhat wobbly and susceptible to breaking down. The reason I'm bringing this up is that my cancerous behaviour is currently wrecking another close friendship and I end up hurting my friend even though I really want things to go back to how it was, but it's like I can't do it and end up becoming a person I'm not, a hateful person who wasn't the person that started off.

With this latest friend, he was in a dark place when it started and I wanted to help him and the friendship grew out of that and the fact we have an amazing degree of common interest. However, ever since his life has improved, and he has gotten new friends (as he didn't really have any serious friends before this), I've become almost jealous that he's spending time with this new friend and my role in his life has subsided and I've become less important. Unfortunately, no matter how much I try to remove these thoughts about this, the more I act irrationally and hatefully, self-pityingly etc. I don't know how to change this and its driving me crazy.

Any help is appreciated.

freshpopcorn

My advice to you would be maybe text your friend to know how are things getting on and do they want to meet up for a pint/chat.
You could also try and join a club or group where you could meet people that would have similar interests as yourself.