Am I really that bad like he says?

LegacyUser

Hi All


I really need some opinions please!

I've had a tough life (like millions of people out there) I'm not one of these "woe is me" people at all. I'm reserved and I just get on with things as I think it's the right thing to do.

However, just today I had a massive argument with my OH - apparently I have been a "complete nightmare" this week. I am feeling quite p*ssed off as his previous humours are actually unbearable to deal with - but I grit my teeth and plod along.

My best friend (like my sister) died in a really horrific way 6 years ago. I still havent gotten over it completely, it shocked me so bad that I found it difficult to come to terms with. I just miss her a lot, she was a huge part of my life. This week is the anniversary of her death and I havent been myself i.e a little bit weepy and getting angry over things. I havent snapped at my OH once, he is actually the love of my life so I dont really snap at him much. However, he rang me today and I wasnt very chatty, just making general chit chat and he basically said that I'm being a night mare all week and "what the f*ck is wrong with ya" etc. I am in complete disbelief as he knows QUITE WELL what day today is, and of course I'm not going to be doing handstands and cartwheels around the place.

So I just mentioned the fact about what day it was and he pretty much told me to get over it, and stop holding onto it. Which I am really f*cking offended over. I just think how dare he say that to me! It's not like I'm being a medusa, I'm just a little down in the dumps and feeling nostalgic. He told me I'm clinging onto this ages now and I need to let it go - by the way, none of this was said in a nice way. He was saying it pretty much like I'm wrecking his head, and completely no patience in his voice. I should note that we werent together when this happened so he never saw how badly affected I was, and I can be honest and say that I have come a LONG way since that night all those years ago.

Seriously folks? I just cant see how I'm a bad person because I get upset over my dead friend? Is he right? Do I just need to get over it or am I just NORMAL to feel this way around her anniversary?

Chucky the tree

I think this is a situation where their will be two contrasting sides to the story. The problem is you might not feel/think you are one of those "woe is me people" but generally people don't realise what they are like and most people are blind to their own negative traits. It is possible that you are not this way, and this being a tough week made it a bit harder but unless your boyfriend is a complete dickhead I'd doubt that is the case.

Stavro Mueller

It's hard to say who's right and who's wrong. It may be the case that your boyfriend is being a pig about this and that he should be looking in the mirror and looking at his own moods before he flips out like this. Or it could be that you make him feel like he's walking on eggshells around this time of year. I honestly can't say for sure - I'm just throwing two opposing view out there.

It's worth bearing in mind that people who've not experienced something as upsetting as you really don't have a clue what you're going through. They might have a rough idea of course but unless it happens to them they can never really understand. As you've pointed out, your weren't with your boyfriend when your friend died so he has no idea what it was like then. Did he even know your friend or is she just a name?

reprazant

There is also the bit where he may not have actually know that it was the anniversary. Did you specifically mention to him about it or is it just an assumption that he knows?

maria34

Does he usually flip out like this?

freshpopcorn

Have you gone for counselling about your sisters death? It sounds like you may need some.
Death effects everyone differently. Take my family for instance the day mt grandmother died my brother and sister still went to work and my parents still had to work on the farm and I went to school. We did take the day of her funeral and the day before off but then we went back to normal we still missed her loads. Some people said we should have taken a few days off but to us this would be mopping. People act differently to grief some people find it hard to understand why people has being upset over someone who has being gone a long time.

Anniebell

IJustMissMyFriend wrote: »

Hi All


I really need some opinions please!

I've had a tough life (like millions of people out there) I'm not one of these "woe is me" people at all. I'm reserved and I just get on with things as I think it's the right thing to do.

However, just today I had a massive argument with my OH - apparently I have been a "complete nightmare" this week. I am feeling quite p*ssed off as his previous humours are actually unbearable to deal with - but I grit my teeth and plod along.

My best friend (like my sister) died in a really horrific way 6 years ago. I still havent gotten over it completely, it shocked me so bad that I found it difficult to come to terms with. I just miss her a lot, she was a huge part of my life. This week is the anniversary of her death and I havent been myself i.e a little bit weepy and getting angry over things. I havent snapped at my OH once, he is actually the love of my life so I dont really snap at him much. However, he rang me today and I wasnt very chatty, just making general chit chat and he basically said that I'm being a night mare all week and "what the f*ck is wrong with ya" etc. I am in complete disbelief as he knows QUITE WELL what day today is, and of course I'm not going to be doing handstands and cartwheels around the place.

So I just mentioned the fact about what day it was and he pretty much told me to get over it, and stop holding onto it. Which I am really f*cking offended over. I just think how dare he say that to me! It's not like I'm being a medusa, I'm just a little down in the dumps and feeling nostalgic. He told me I'm clinging onto this ages now and I need to let it go - by the way, none of this was said in a nice way. He was saying it pretty much like I'm wrecking his head, and completely no patience in his voice. I should note that we werent together when this happened so he never saw how badly affected I was, and I can be honest and say that I have come a LONG way since that night all those years ago.

Seriously folks? I just cant see how I'm a bad person because I get upset over my dead friend? Is he right? Do I just need to get over it or am I just NORMAL to feel this way around her anniversary?

Hi OP,

Couldn't read your post and not reply. Firstly, I'm so so sorry for your loss. My best friend passed away 12 years ago next month and our birthdays are in July, so the few weeks leading to these days are very hard to cope with still but they've gotten easier over time in that I don't get as upset over them as much as I used to.

My boyfriend never met my friend who died either so there are a lot of parallels in your story and mine which touched me when I read it.

We've had times over the years where I have been more fragile and now I'm at the stage where even though I know he knows the relevant dates, I still make a point of mentioning them in conversation some way or another.

Another poster said, and I agree, unless you've been through it yourself you have no idea how horrific it is.

We've had our little arguments about me being too Sensitive too, but you know what? How you feel is how you feel and you shouldn't feel bad about it I don't think. If I know myself I'm feeling low and I think I'll end up arguing, I just say straight out, I'm sorry but I can't talk about this just now, I'd prefer to leave it a few days and when I'm feeling stronger then we can talk properly.

Grief as I've learned is a very strange process and it's ongoing without a time
Limit and people Mightn't understand it but they should respect that you're upset and either leave you alone for a bit or offer comfort or whatever.

Sorry for the ramble and the random
Spacing, I'm on my phone!

Take care of yourself and if you haven't already, I find if I don't want to burden anyone the Samaritans are so kind and easy to talk to over the phone.

Best of luck x

Catari Jaguar

Eugh, sounds like he's an insensitive, self obsessed jackass. Maybe he's lucky enough to have never known grief.

Sorry for your loss OP

LegacyUser

I spotted this post on my browsing tonight and felt I had to say something. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my father. Before I start I'd like to point out that my father's a very good man in a lot of ways.

Unfortunately he falls down badly when it comes to the emotional side of things. He really can't handle it if someone around him is upset or needs somebody to listen. Now if something's really worrying me I don't even bother going near him. I instinctively know that I'll get one of two reactions. It'll either be pooh-poohed as a load of silly nonsense or I'll get my head bitten off. If I was as upset as you over my friend dying I could see the very same thing happening to me. I was once upset over something and he told me to stop wallowing in self-pity. Naturally he has managed to miss the bit where he can be a right moody git himself. Thank god I don't live at home any more and that I can walk away if he's in one of his moods.

What to do next I've no idea. If your boyfriend is like my father I can't see him changing. I hope you continue to heal over this and that you're not afraid to seek help even now. You are entitled to grieve but you also have to move on with your own life. Your friend is resting now and there is nothing more you can do to help her. I'm sure she'd be upset if she knew you get very low each time her anniversary comes around.

LegacyUser

Firstly, thank you all for the replies, this is why I love boards - opinions are what I need on this because he made me feel not normal I'll answer you all.

Chucky The Tree:
I can see your point for sure, I guess I might not realise how I am actually behaving from his point of view, I really didnt think I was carrying on shocking or anything. I am not in a wonderful mood and not exactly happy so maybe that was wearing down on him a bit. In the past when he is in foul humour, he wont speak to me for days while he "sorts his head out" and yeah fine - maybe thats his way of dealing with it. But when I am upset - I wear my heart on my sleeve, he will always know what's bothering me so we talk about it and move on. So I was just really taken aback at his lack of compassion and patience with me

Cymbaline:
I totally agree, I have actually said to him that he really has NO IDEA what I went through so he could never and will never understand why I still get a bit upset at this time of the year. He did know her, we actually used to pal around together so he knew her well enough when we were teens. I suppose aswell he doesnt have a best friend per se so I think that may be another reason why he doesnt understand how hard it is to lose the one person in your life who knows everything about you and all your dark secrets and worries.

Reprazant:
We're together 2.5 years so he knows well when the anniversary is. I had been at her grave for the first time in a year this week (I dont go often because whats the point of standing there looking at a piece of stone - my own personal feeling about graves) and I scrubbed her grave and he rang while I was there so he was aware what day was coming up.

Maria34:
Sometimes! He is a typical bottle it all in man and I'm a typical wear my heart on my sleeve woman. What you see is what you get with me, I can be sensitive at times but I think that's where we differ and i think thats why he lacks patience with me sometimes. He can be sensitive too, in the past he has been, but mostly he just doesnt talk about what's bothering him. With me, I have to let it out and I can go about my day as normal

Freshpopcorn:
He said that to me yesterday, that I need to talk to someone. I would like to speak to someone who can help me let her go or maybe just not get as down about her. Is there such a person out there that would do that? Or is it actually a counsellor that I really need to see? I would definitely be willing anyway.


Anniebell:
Thank you very much for your kind words, you're right - I cant actually stop my feelings so I dont understand why I cant express them or talk about them. It's not a crime so why did he make me feel like I'm not normal and that I'm clinging onto her memory. I really do think its just hard for him to try and even imagine what I went through so he probably just feels exasperated and fed up now, he's been through 3 anniversaries with me now, he even asked yesterday "am I going to go on like this every year" he was really mean about it all I still havent really spoke to him since as I just needed to do my own thing and I've been grand, havent cried or anything I can deal with it in my own way but I WILL get a little weepy, I'm not made of stone!! I really appreciate your kind words and it's nice to hear from someone who knows what I am going through X

Catari Jaguar:
Believe me I had some colourful words I wanted to call him yesterday but I wouldnt lower myself to behave like him He said to me about his 97 year old Great Aunt dying a few months ago, and said "I think of her but I dont dwell on it" HELLO LIKE! My friend died in a horrific way, it was on the news, I had reporters outside my house banging down my door for me to say a few words, she was 19, had just graduated that day from college Yes it is sad that his Aunt died but he just doesnt seem to grasp the massive shock I got and I can tell you it was a living nightmare for months after. I was very young to be dealing with it all and I come from a family of all men so I didnt have a whole lot of help through it. They are of the same stance as my OH "ah you'll be grand"
I think I really need to talk to a professional to try let it all go!

Nirab:
Thank you - he isnt great with emotions, definitely not! I find it exhausting at times because all my brothers and my Father are the same. They just think "ah get over it you'll be grand" and I know it's because they wont face up to their feelings - meaning they are sometimes unbearable to deal with. I however, will never bottle feelings up as its not good for the mind in my opinion. So I will shed tears and get it out of my system.

Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions I feel a lot better to know that yes - obviously I should go talk to someone but how I feel isnt unheard of. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to me

Bigdeadlydave

To be honest he might think he is helping you by saying what he did,a bit of tough love, just get on with things and stop thinking about it. Obviously thats fairly sh!tty help but if he is a bit old school as it sounds like he is its not him being an ar$sehole. He might think you are wallowing in things and he is trying to snap you out of it. Its obvious you are no where near over it and maybe he is just a bit fed up with it, sounds a bit harsh but having been in a similar position to him it does get very depressing, your gf is very sad, there's nothing you can do about it, you have to walk on egg shells, you dont like seeing her sad, so it makes you sad too, especially if she is dealing with it differently than you would.


Go and see a counselor when you get a chance, they deal with this all the time.

LegacyUser

@ IJustMissMyFriend

Things got on top of me and I went to counselling two years ago. I've not really got a shoulder to cry on in my life now. I have one friend I talk to sometimes but there's loads I just can't bring myself to say because I'm not good at opening up to people I know. I found it easier to talk to my counsellor. A lot of that was because I knew I was in a safe environment and that she wasn't going to turn on me and hurt me when I was vulnerable. If you're not sure what counsellor to go for, have a word with your GP.

I didn't want to bring it up in my previous post but one of the reasons why I ended up counselling was my father. He is a good man but he can be difficult at times. By the time my mum died she was worn down by 30 years of marriage to him. I've come to realise that some of my own behaviour and attitudes got moulded by growing up with a moody man. I must've learned at an early age to steer clear of my father when he was down because the black cloud would emanate from him. This stage of his life my father's not going to change but if I was in a relationship with someone like your boyfriend I'd try to tackle the issue in some way.

I hope you go get help. I genuinely feel very sorry and sad for you but I would hate to be your boyfriend this time of year. He doesn't get it which doesn't help. I don't think anyone with any developed sense of empathy could possibly compare the passing of an elderly person with the tragic death of a young person. It -might- be that you are grieving your friend more than you should be 6 years later.