Cutting off Toxic Parents-need advice

noah45

I am a Christian who has endured narcistic parents particulary my mother all my life, am now 47. I have had countless different counselling sessions over the years and each one brought the same conclusion: that my life and my depression has resulted from my upbringing.

Recently the last straw was a minor incident and I have not contacted them since. They are now in denial of this incident and were from word 'go'.

Not having them in my life makes me so much happier. I have a wonderful extended family including relations which had been cut off by my parents for decades.

My dilema is that I feel so guilty as I am not honouring my parents. But I feel that without their influence I am a nicer person all round and I feel happy and content.

Can anyone help me in this regard please?

beeroclock

There's actually a book called Toxic Parents which you might consider reading, I haven't read it as I'm not in a similar situation (so sorry cant offer much by way of advice). I've heard the book is good and might offer some advice

Hope things work out OK

noah45

Thank you :-)

Benny_Cake

OP, if the mods don't have an issue with it the good people in Personal Issues may be of more assistance.

noah45

Its just that I wanted advice from a Christian point of view. Would it be ok to leave it here?

iusedtoknow

I'm confused as to what being a christian has to do with it - yes you need to honour your father and your mother, but the bible also talks about not causing your son distress (or is it do not provoke your children, I am ex-christian so my recollection is hazy at best)

A friend of mine had an issue with toxic parents (his father was alco, his mother was an enabler and conversely a bully to the kids, both good church-going christians as it happens). He cut them out of his life and made his own path.

If your parents have treated you in such a way that would cause you to want to cut them off, it has to be serious - you need to do what is best for you as a human-being. Guilt is no reason to hang around

Paddy Cow

noah45 wrote: »

I am a Christian who has endured narcistic parents particulary my mother all my life, am now 47. I have had countless different counselling sessions over the years and each one brought the same conclusion: that my life and my depression has resulted from my upbringing.

Recently the last straw was a minor incident and I have not contacted them since. They are now in denial of this incident and were from word 'go'.

Not having them in my life makes me so much happier. I have a wonderful extended family including relations which had been cut off by my parents for decades.

My dilema is that I feel so guilty as I am not honouring my parents. But I feel that without their influence I am a nicer person all round and I feel happy and content.

Can anyone help me in this regard please?

Noah it's normal to feel like this. If it was any other relationship where you were being emotionally/psychologically abused by someone such as a partner or friend, everyone would tell you to leave. You would be told to move on, the pain will heal and you will find a new partner or friend. You would be reminded that before you had this person in your life you lived a far happier life and the only reason you feel guilty is that you were manipulated into feeling guily when the abusive person wasn't getting their own way.

When it comes to parents it's different. No one can tell you to move on, you will get new parents, so people are less willing to be vocally supportive. As you are tied to them for the rest of your life (and probably so will they be tied to your parents) they will be less inclined to show loyalty and take sides.

Due to the lack of support with cutting off ties with parents, it's still very much a taboo subject and one that people uncomfortably brush off. From childhood we are led to believe that the family unit is the most important one, with parents always putting their needs after their children's. They even have dedicated mothers and fathers days. It's okay to rebel against your parents in your teens but once you hit your twenties, you are supposed to realise the error of your ways and start appreciating all the hard work and sacrafices they made for you. If you don't, you can be seen (unfairly) as selfish and immature.

The most important thing to remember is that there was never a time in your life when you didn't know your parents. They had total control over you as a child and have had the biggest influence over your development. This means that while as an adult you can remove yourself physically from their house, it can be very hard to break the psychological hold they have over you. You have left but your mind hasn't.

As you are 47, I can presume that your parents are elderly. This puts even greater social pressure on you to put up with their behaviour as they will be seen as "frail", which will make your guilt worse. Unfortunately the only person who can deal with your guilt is you. You said that you have had counselling which came to this conclusion so listen to the experts. It's not your fault that your parents are the way they are and they are never going to change. If you don't listen to the professionals, then listen to your wonderful extended family who sound supportive.

There really is nothing that I or anyone else can say on here to make you feel better. Intellictuelly you already know that you have made the best decision for you as it makes you happier but after 47 years of living a certain way, it's going to take a while for emotions to catch up. I wish you all the best

lmaopml

Op, I'm a Christian, but I think you would get as good advice from anybody else to be honest who may have similar problems -

Personally, I think you would be honoring your parents best by looking after your own health first, even if that means stepping back for a while and letting them know it gently what you are doing if they are concerned or contact you about it.

If you have problems and issues with them than I think you need to deal with that first. You get the strength to deal with things a little better when you have some space and feel better in yourself to move forward.

Paddy Cow

iusedtoknow wrote: »

I'm confused as to what being a christian has to do with it - yes you need to honour your father and your mother, but the bible also talks about not causing your son distress (or is it do not provoke your children, I am ex-christian so my recollection is hazy at best)

lmaopml wrote: »

Op, I'm a Christian, but I think you would get as good advice from anybody else to be honest who may have similar problems -

I agree with both of the above. OP if your parents are narcissists like you say they are they, then you will not change their behaviour towards you, no matter how good you are to them. The greatest gift we are given (whether you believe it came from God or evolution) is the free will to live our lives and face the consequences of that. It sounds like your parents didn't treat you the best and now you are at a turning point. You have three options:

1 Continue to live your life at the moment where you are happier but guilt is eating you up.

2 Go back to your old life where you were unhappy and suffering with depression.

3 Stick it out, work through the guilt (which will fade as time gives you a clearer perspective on things) and live a happy and fulfilled life.

noah45

Thank you all so much. My parents are in their late 60s and travelling the world, so not frail yet.

I am going to try work through the guilt that I feel since as a Christian I know I am also to forgive. I am much happier though, which will help working through the guilt.

I feel I have let them ruin probably 3/4 of my life.

Mayboy

Hi Noah,
I'm not religious - you have the choice to start today with a new way of working your life to make it pleasant for you. Your parents had made their choices which you have taken part in - up to now. Your counseling has clarified a lot of things - again though that is all in the past - sure, you need to see that it was painful and feel that pain but also know that as humans we can feel., tolerate and move on from pain. Guilt? Why would you be guilty? For me guilt is a 'learned' concept - it's not really necessary most of the time and is certainly inappropriate here. I wish you the best.

deisemum

I've had nothing to do with my so called mother in over 10 years since my Dad died. She's dead to me and I don't feel any guilt over it, just regret that I didn't cut her out of my life a lot sooner.

I've got a happy loving family of my own something she'll never have.

mashedbanana

Hi Noah :-) I too am a Christian. I too have struggled with similar issues of a controlling/ out of control mother and a passive father.

One or two things I noticed about me. I am not like my mother!!! I often feel overly sensitive to this world. I'm not the type of person to cry at the drop of a hat, but I certainly don't understand why some people can be so mean/nasty/sarcastic..etc ..etc. I can't figure it out! This world 'hurts' me sometimes. BUT we are, as Christians, supposed to be different, not of the world. We are to 'come out from amoung them' This is how I 'explain' my indifference to the world.

I wasn't always this Christian like though! I was hats called 'lukewarm'.

We are instructed to live in peace, and basically to keep ourselves occupied & busy. Not to cause anyone any harm, or upset. I think thessalonians1:11. This I have leaned the hard way, can be a very difficult thing to do, when cornered by someone (that included family).

I understand the need to obey the rules, you wouldn't be a Christian if you didn't feel the pain on the world fall heavy on your heart. But I can assure you, when not in the company of your parents, you won't feel anxiety. Thus you CAN honour them...from afar. You don't wish them any ill will, you don't wish them any hurt or pain. You love them.

In my own experience, my own confidence in the bible, and how it made me feel secure & assured, made others around me feel somewhat inadequate. EVEN though, this was never ever my intent. No matter how much I have tried to fit in, I'd still feel their own resentment towards me. (there is nothing stopping them from picking up the bible too! lol)

Anyway, our instructions to live peacefully & with love are quite clear. Who we associate with is very important too!. Ya, there will be Christians out there that will argue that one with me I know! I'm sure you know all this. Keep your eyes on Christ, he is the way, the only way. Lay your prayers at the foot of the cross, He has instructed us to come to him with EVERYTHING! Ask him before each encounter with your parents, to give you extra strength & patience. He will deliver. It can be tough, I know too well.

Continue to love you parents.....from a distance. This way you are breaking no rules, breaking no laws, an are not being deceptive about it. :-)

Emme

Noah, I cannot advise you from a Christian point of view as I am agnostic. I was raised Christian by controlling parents but my father in particular used his faith as a way to control me and I have lost my faith, in no small part due to the behaviour of my parents.

Read Susan Forwards book "Toxic Parents". If you want to have any sort of life or joy in your life walk away from your parents. Do not get pulled back by guilt or blackmail.

They are travelling the world in their 60s so they are fine. You have your life to live so live it as best you can according to your faith.

Perhaps you should post on the Christianity thread for advice.

One last thing, if you marry and have children would you expose them to the treatment you got from your parents? If the answer is no then you need to stay away from your parents.