Partner is delaying starting a family

Popette2013

Hi there, this is my 1st time ever writing on one of these forums. I don't really know where to start so forgive me if it sounds confusing or long winded. I tend to tell long winded stories
I'm 33 nearly 34 years of age. I love kids but I never felt that maternal, until the last 2 years of course. To be honest in my 20's I thought well if I can't or don't have kids I don't think I'd be that upset but the sayings are true unfortunately "You will think differently in afew years"
I'm with my partner 7 years. We have stable relatively well paid jobs, a dream house in the country so financially we'll be ok not flush by any means.
My partner will be 37 this year and is brilliant with our nieces & nephews. They adore him & I know he'll make a brilliant father. I always got the impression that he would like to have kids but we never really were that bothered about discussing it in too much detail.
About 1.5 years ago I brought up the subject of starting a family but we both brushed it off. Well he did so I didn't want to keep pressure on.It was always on my mind tho. Then 6 mnts later I basically gave him an ultimatum (prob sounds mean & not the best way to approach it but i knew what he's come back would be so I went in with unrealistic ultimatum) which was that I wanted to have a baby, if not pregnant by 34 which at the time if we were to have a baby by the time I was 34 it was giving us a month to fall pregnant totally unrealistic but he's comeback was as expected " we'll wait another year". I was happy with that.
Well it's 2 months off a year now and for the past 3 weeks I have been trying to find the best opportunity to broach the subject again. For different reasons I just couldn't bring myself to ask until last night, it just fell into place with what we were chatting about but he was having afew drinks so really I should have kept my mouth shut. He basically said that he doesn't even know if he wants kids yet that he had told me he wanted to wait 2 years. I know for a fact that he didn't say 2 years cause I wouldn't have been happy with that. I think he thinks that once we start trying it'll happen straight away, I've tried to tell him that It could take 6 -12 mnts if we're lucky which would mean I'd be 35/36 and he would be 37/38 & that I don't want to be in my late 30's starting afamily. Then he brought up he mite not be able to have them, i said neither of us do but at least if we find out that we can't we then we can plan what we want to do with rest of our lives whether we go an alternative route or just plan a life without Kids. Then he said "Well what if i tell you I don't want Kids" I told him that I'd have to go away and think about how I'd feel about it but he has to tell me now if he def knows he doesn't or he should have told me years ago if he knew all that time. The good thing is He didn't confirm that he doesn't so I'm still in hope that he does. Anyway, unfortunatly our little talk last night didn't end very well with both of us going to sleep annoyed with each other but i know unless I bring the subject up again it won't be discussed. He'll keep burying his head. I'm so deflated today and just don't know what way to approach it now.:( I was kind of excited the past 3 weeks thinking we'd be starting but now i know we wont.:( I'd love to know if someone has been in my shoes or similar and what would they recommend. Again sorry for the long winded story

pwurple

I have a friend who went through something similar. I'm not saying it's the same for you, but here is hers anyway.

She pressed her boyfriend towards children, and he brushed it off. She tried again, and I think almost to appease her they got engaged. They were engaged for 2 years, and it just never seemed to go anywhere further. They broke up.

She eventually realised he was basically was coasting along with her as a girlfriend, and was on the vague look out for someone better. Had no intention of spending the rest of his life with her. Hence no marriage and no kids. It just wasn't on his radar. She met a lovely fella on a night course she did, who was mad about her too, and at the age of 37 is expecting their first child.

I don't think ultimations are the way to go, but you should be able to discuss things like this more than once a year. You're both grown ups.

Sleepy

Sounds like he either doesn't want kids, or doesn't want them with you OP.

Oral Slang

I went through the same thing with my partner, only from day 1 I knew I wanted kids (have wanted them since I was a kid myself, totally obsessed with children).

We met when I was 23 & he was 27. After a year or 2 together I brought up children. I said I wanted them & he said he didn't, so like you I gave an ultimatum. I don't think it's mean, as if I hadn't done that, I would have had so many regrets about not having children. Anyway after some soulsearching, he said he would have them but not for a few years. At about 32 I started getting itchy feet, as my ideal would have been to have had my kids by the time I was 30, but it wasn't the same as his timeline. Thankfully he agreed to start trying. You're right that it doesn't happen straight away for everyone - it took us 18 months & some investigation before I got pregnant. I had my 1st when I was 34 & he was 38. As soon as she was born - still in the labour ward, he turned around to me & said - I'd have another one in an instant - he was so in awe of having made this little person. Fast forward on a year & I srarted asking about a 2nd one, as I would have preferred not to have an only child. At this stage we were getting very little sleep & so he wasn't so keen. Thankfully he came round a bit & I'm now 23 weeks pregnant on no. 2, we'll soon have a 2 year old & a newborn, all going well. He's 40 & I'm almost 36. Think that's us done now, as I think he'd have a breakdown if I suggested another.

Talk about it as much as possible, going into the positives & negatives of having children. Like your partner, my other half is fab with his nieces & nephews, so I could see how he was with kids, but the emotions you get when the child is your own is just amazing, he'll fall in love instantly if he can just see beyond his fears. My other half was worried about us not having the standard of life we were used to. Yes, I'll admit you don't have as much disposable income or free time, but at this age, most of our friends have kids too, so you just adapt your lifestyle to suit your life. We go to friends houses for lunch at the weekend, I meet different people for playdates. We go out separately & sometimes together if we can get a sitter. While your current lifestyle is probably his ideal, he could find in another few years that everyone around him has settled down with kids & that he's been left behind with no one to go out with or whatever.

I hope you both get it sorted amicably, as I'm sure you both love each other deeply, so it'd be dreadful to break up over something like that.

Hello Lady!

I am glad it worked out for Oral Slang, but in truth not everyone falls in love instantly with their children. It can be particularly hard for a man to bond with his child if he only went along with the plan to keep his partner or appease her. So there is no point in pretending otherwise - some people just don't want kids and that is their perrogative.

However, you do need to discuss this fully and in depth. Once a year is not enough. This should be an ongoing discussion between you - not always a long heart to heart, but a regular topic of pro's and con's, what ifs and what might be scenarios etc.

You mention that he said he might not be able to have kids. Could this possibly be a serious worry for him? Some men see infertility as a negative reflection of their masculinity. If he has serious concerns about his fertility, he could be of the ostrich mentality, where if he never tries then he can live in ignorance. But if he tries and fails and discovers he has fertility issues it will be a real blow to his sense of masculinity which he just can't imagine facing. I think this is definitely something you need to consider, as it could be a big factor for him.

In fairness to him, until a few years ago this topic wasn't even on the table. For a lot of men the whole concept of children isn't real until they are in the delivery suite with you. And because they have more time than women to consider their options, they often think that there is plenty of time.

Perhaps ask him to consider his future without children - good and bad. It might be great when he's in his 50's and you are going on nice holidays and trips as you are footloose and fancyfree, but what about when your 60+ or 70 and getting old with no family to lend support. I know a pre-planned carer is not what you have children for, but it is true that it could be very lonely to be elderly and have no one.

Also ask him to consider if he could face a life without you. Not in an ultimatum way, but in a reasoned way. If you decide that although you love him, a life without children is not what you want and if he is certain he doesn't want children then you will have to look elsewhere. You don't want him to have children to keep you, but equally you want him to realise that you don't want to keep him so badly that you will give up your chance to have children.

And finally, after the age of 35 the statistical chances of complications, birth defects etc increases. And that is in addition to fertility decreasing. So although you don't want to pressure him into rushing into children tomorrow, at the same time he needs to realise that the longer he drags his feet the more chance of there being a problem if you do get pregnant. If he is already uncertain about kids, then adding the possibility of a Downs syndrome child or a disabled child into the mix will really freak him out. I am lucky that regardless of how our children turn out, I know my husband will continue to support his family. It would be really hard and tough going, but I know that loving the child less won't be an issue. But not everyone is the same, and although it is not always something you admit in public, between the two of you, you need to be totally 100% honest about it.

I am 35 and pregnant with twins after IVF. We were trying for a long time with other methods, injections etc before heading for IVF. And despite being pregnant and excited, we are both still nervous, concerned and worried that we have done the right thing! lots of couples worry if they really should have taken this huge step! that is entirely normal. It is life changing. So worries/concerns and a bit of fear are the norm - but being any of these things are not necessarily reason enough not to have kids. Knowing you definitely have no interest in having kids is fine, but if its just a bit of cold feet then it is only what millions of people feel.

Talk to your partner, regularly, reasonably, calmly. And also listen to him. At least that way whatever way things fall, you will know that the decision made was a well thought out one and that you both gave it your honesty.

I hope it works out for you, whatever path you end up on.

lazygal

Not going to be as detailed as the excellent responses above but children aren't something you can really compromise on. It changes things when children come along, how much depends on the couple and their relationship and the children themselves (we've found it pretty okay so far). You really have to be in the same boat to deal with the tough times, especially the early days.

I know more than one female friend of mine was strung along by promises of timelines and delaying the family chat, in all cases they've ended up breaking up with the man. Me and my husband were on the same page about children, and were lucky enough to have things work out like we planned. But until you start trying to conceive, especially if you're mid thirties starting out, you will not know how long it will take.

At the very least I'd get my 7 and 21 day bloods checked to make sure I was ovulating and I'd also get my AMH tested to see how fertile I was if I was planning on delaying TTC in my mid 30s.

I will echo Hello Lady's post and agree that falling in love with your child doesn't always happen in the delivery room for mothers or fathers. Lots of men are great with nieces and nephews but completely useless with small babies.
A good friend of mine wanted a baby. She had been with her partner six years, the relationship was solid and they had bought a home together.
Less than a year after their child was born they split up. It turned out that he felt pressurised to go along with her needs and wants and simply wasn't happy. So it's not always a case of just having the child and assuming daddy will love playing happy families.
A baby changes your life, does your partner want those changes? It's absolutely fine to not want children, but you need to discuss this in depth.
I've read, heard and seen for myself anecdotally that the year following the birth of a child, and in particular the second child, is the hardest on a relationship.
Would you consider couple's counselling? It can be easier to speak to a neutral.

Popette2013

Thanks you everyone for your replies, it has really helped me feel a little better about the situation. I have tried to send amore detailed reply to each of you but I keep getting timed out as it was so long.

I'm def going to appraoch the subject more with him in a calm manner. he's just such a typical Irish Fella, he doesn't want to talk about his feelings so everything is brushed under carpet which is frustrating for me cause I want to talk everything out.

I have been thinking of having my fertility checked as it might ease my mind a little so I won't put so much pressure on him but It could have the oppsite effect :-)

I will update you all again if I have any further news but Thank You all so much for taking the time to answer me. You have all def helped me.

dub_skav

Obviously every situation is different, but I was the guy in the OP - similar ages, together years, loved nieces and nephews, decent job etc. I am now the proud father of a beautiful 16 month old

Most guys really don't think about kids from an early age (some do obviously, but most don't dwell on it). They generally wait until they meet the right person and are well settled before even contemplating it.
The fact that women have often been thinking about kids for years actually can lead to a very odd situation. Woman has had years thinking about it, so can't understand how the guy hasn't spent years figuring out whether he wants kids or not, guy has only just started to acknowledge it in the back of his mind so can't understand the rush.

I don't think early ultimatums are a good idea as they can scare away a guy that was genuinely just taking his time.

However, you do need to be careful of a guy stringing you along. You are the only one in a position to know whether he is stringing you along or just putting off what he will eventually want. Nobody online can tell you either way.

One thing I would say is to bring it up a few more times (not constantly, but not one year apart) and take note of his attitude, does he get irritated by repeated discussion, does he warm to it slightly? Note: I would have classified myself as evasive rather than irritated if that helps at all.

Popette2013

Favourite Slave - My boyfriend won't do couples councelling, he doesn't think "we're mad enough for that yet" talking about feelings is a sign of weakness :-)
I def wouldn't want him agreeing to kids just for me, I really don't think he would anyway but over the past few years just from speaking with other people and things he has said in the conversations like "if we ever have kids" or "if it is ever our time" etc he has given me the impression he wants them but maybe it's more fool me for thinking like that.
I just feel at the moment he should have told me the day I 1st approached the subject that he didn't want them.
I wouldn't mind, I have thought about if we can't have them and don't go down the adoption or IVF route, I have thought about the things we could do that we couldnt do if we did have kids.So it's notlike Im thinking at the moment it's Kids or nothing.
I hope that makes sense.

Popette2013

Thanks Dub_skav - It's definately great to get the male point of view.
I really don't think he's stringing me along we built a forever home in his home village last year & I do know he wouldn't be the type of person to stay with me until someone better comes along. I hope not anyways :-)
I know the ultinatum wasn't a good idea but It did give me a better idea of what he wanted, well i thought that at the time. and I was happy with him wanting to wait the year, I was expecting him to come back with that when I gave the unrealistic ultimatum. But he never actually asked me how did I feel about it all. I obviously never said that too him cause I was happy with the given timeframe.

I appraoch the subject again in afew weeks cause I know for a fact he on't bring it up with me even after last night.

Oral Slang

Popette2013 wrote: »

I know the ultinatum wasn't a good idea but It did give me a better idea of what he wanted, well i thought that at the time. and I was happy with him wanting to wait the year, I was expecting him to come back with that when I gave the unrealistic ultimatum. But he never actually asked me how did I feel about it all. I obviously never said that too him cause I was happy with the given timeframe.

I personally don't think the ultimatum is that bad an idea. When I said it to my partner I just said, I don't expect kids now, in the next month, in the next year or even in the next few years, but I don't want to be 10 years down the line to find out that you never want them. I need to know that at some stage you'll have them, if we're lucky enough to concieve.

He felt it was unfair as he loved me & didn't want to have to choose, but I thought it'd be worse if years down the road we broke up for that reason when we had a mortgage, house etc.

Popette2013

Oral slang your ultimatum was alot better than mine I think I went in abit too hardcore with it :-) but in my defense I tried the softly softly approach previous to that and got me absolutely no where so that's why I felt I had to go so hardcore.

He wasn't annoyed with me or anythng he just said he wanted to wait a year, I would have prefered it if he told me there and then that he wasn't too sure about even having them. Then we could have tried to talk it thru to see where we both stood.

pwurple

By the time you start trying, conceive and give birth to a child, there's your year gone. If he wants to wait another year, that's actually 2 years... minimum. Assuming no issues at all. Given both your ages... you are likely enough to encounter some fertility issues.

I'd want to know what his infertility concerns are also.


If he doesn't want a child full stop, them give him the chance to say so without it upsetting you.

Also, not to be old fashioned, but are you aware of the legal and financial differences between being married with children and being unmarried with children? It may not make a difference, but you should educate yourselves on it.

Popette2013

pwurple - that's my problem I have worked it out how old I would be having a child if I fell pregant in straightaway, 6mnts & 12mnts time and I think its when I started calculating that it hit me that Im running out of time FAST.Every year seems to get faster & faster. It's fine for him (if he's fertility is ok), he can keep going till he's in his 50's even 60's I don't think he realises how urgent it is for me.

I'm going to leave it afew days so it's not so fresh in my mind and try to calmly talk about it.

I would be upset but I don't think it would kill me if he said he didn't want them, as I said in a previous post I have alread been thinking about all the things we could do if we discovered that we couldn't have kids anyways.

Hello Lady!

and not to be a scaremonger, but in addition to the fertility side of it (which there are things you can do to help to an extent, so 'infertility' itself is not a definite 'you will never have kids'), but as well as that, the risk of being over 35 and pregnant does increase. I know thousands of women have perfectly healthy happy pregnancies, but that is not to say there is no risk.

I would say to anyone who doesn't really know if they want a child and is over 35 ask yourself, if you do decide to go for it, and then the child has a disability will you be able to cope with it? Not all babies are 'perfect' and living in a pollyanna world where you assume that a) you will get pregnant when you are ready to and b) that the pregnancy and baby will encounter no problems is not very realistic. Because the reality is, it does happen. So you need to have a strong relationship before chosing to have a family, a relationship that can stand any and all of the strains that pregnancy and parenthood can throw at you. If you doubt that your relationship is strong enough for that, then perhaps that is the answer for you.

The reason this is so much on my mind is because a lady we know from going through IVF has recently had a down's baby. She was 37, and only trying since 35. At 36 they went for IVF (as they discovered straight away this was their only option) and after 4 cycles she got pregnant. The fertility treatment itself already had put a strain on the relationship, but when the amniosynthesis suggested that baby might have downs her partner just couldn't cope. Suddenly he felt that she had forced him to have a child and look what happened?? Not only will they have 18 years of active parenting but a lifetime. And he couldn't deal with the prospect of the baby being disabled.

The baby is 9 months now, and she and her husband have not only split up, but he has only seen the baby once and literally wants nothing to do with him or mum. It is a heartbreaking situation. I hope that one day the relationship between father and son can be repaired, but there is no hope that the marriage will ever be saved.

And this is why it is so important that when chosing to make that life decision to have a family that you both fully support the decision and are prepared to take responsiblity for any and all eventualities that might occur. And if one partner honestly says, no, I can't sign up for that, then the other should respect their decision.

Personally, for me, having a baby with someone who didn't want the child would be far worse than not having a child at all. But then again, my choice is to have a family, not a baby. Thankfully my partner supports me in this. For some men/women it really is the desire for a baby that is paramount, and so they are prepared to loose a partner to attain that. It really is a personal choice and no one should judge another person for their choice in this.

Popette2013

Thanks Hello Lady, That is a heartbreaking story.
I totally agree with you. I wouldn't want him to agree just because I want a child. I want him to want a family.
I will definately discuss the possibility of disability with him if he does decide he wants to start a family But if he says he couldn't cope with a disability how can I just say fair enough we won't have children when so many more people go on to have perfectly healthy kids or have extremely fulfilled lived with a child that has a disability?
It's a hard one. Would I resent him for not trying but then again he could resent me if we did have a baby with problems.

December2012

You and your partner don't appear to be very good at communicating.

You don't have to be mad to go to a relationship counsellor. But.... To me it seems like there's no communication on either side.

Neyite

Popette2013 wrote: »

pwurple - that's my problem I have worked it out how old I would be having a child if I fell pregant in straightaway, 6mnts & 12mnts time and I think its when I started calculating that it hit me that Im running out of time FAST.Every year seems to get faster & faster. It's fine for him (if he's fertility is ok), he can keep going till he's in his 50's even 60's I don't think he realises how urgent it is for me.

Thats how I approached the chat. I was nearly 34 IIRC. I asked him first how many children he saw himself having, just casual over a shared bottle of wine on a friday night. His answer was that he would love 3-4 maybe.

So I worked out the maths for him, factored in that it takes on average 6 months to conceive firstly, that the miscarriage rate is 20%, then 9 months pregnancy plus 3 months of a breather between popping out one and getting pregnant again. Then I compared it against my age.

He just hadnt sat down and realised the time frame involved, and that we were literally running out of time. A few days later he came back to me and told me he had thought about it and would like to start trying.

But, it took us two years to have our baby - getting meds from a fertility clinic along the way and I was 37 giving birth. I hope we will have a couple more, but we also feel that we are blessed with the one we have should life turn out differently for us.

pwurple

It's all about time. I was 29 when we started trying, I was 33 by the time we sorted out what was going wrong medically, and had our first. Had a miscarriage since and am now expecting again, will be 36 by the time this baby arrives (hoping pregnancy goes well. ) That's seven years since we made the decision, to get to two children, and I was in my twenties starting.

Not saying it's going to be that for you, but delaying is the last thing you should agree to. It's a long slow process, and it only gets harder as you get older.

LegacyUser

You need to have a serious chat with him. Your now 34 so you can't ignore your age if you want to have a family. He is 37 so it is time for him to grow up in regards to having children.
I would tell him that he can no longer keep ignoring the fact that you are 34 and that you want a family. At this stage he should be willing to give you an answer about children even if it is one that you may not like to hear.

You need to decide if he is more important to you than your chance to have family.
I know woman who ended relationships because there oh did not want children and they now have families with men who wanted children.

If he tells you I don't want children I would not get upset or make any comment.
I would then get legal advice if you have a joint mortgage or put money into the house you currently share with him.
Once you do this I would tell him that you have decided that it is time to end your relationship as it is going no where. I would tell him you have got legal advice re house/money you put into the house and tell him what you want to happen.

If he makes any comment about this I would just tell him well what did you expect I can't wait for you to grow up. I need to move on with my life.

Penny Dreadful

Popette2013 wrote: »

Hi there, this is my 1st time ever writing on one of these forums. I don't really know where to start so forgive me if it sounds confusing or long winded. I tend to tell long winded stories
I'm 33 nearly 34 years of age. I love kids but I never felt that maternal, until the last 2 years of course. To be honest in my 20's I thought well if I can't or don't have kids I don't think I'd be that upset but the sayings are true unfortunately "You will think differently in afew years"
I'm with my partner 7 years. We have stable relatively well paid jobs, a dream house in the country so financially we'll be ok not flush by any means.
My partner will be 37 this year and is brilliant with our nieces & nephews. They adore him & I know he'll make a brilliant father. I always got the impression that he would like to have kids but we never really were that bothered about discussing it in too much detail.
About 1.5 years ago I brought up the subject of starting a family but we both brushed it off. Well he did so I didn't want to keep pressure on.It was always on my mind tho. Then 6 mnts later I basically gave him an ultimatum (prob sounds mean & not the best way to approach it but i knew what he's come back would be so I went in with unrealistic ultimatum) which was that I wanted to have a baby, if not pregnant by 34 which at the time if we were to have a baby by the time I was 34 it was giving us a month to fall pregnant totally unrealistic but he's comeback was as expected " we'll wait another year". I was happy with that.
Well it's 2 months off a year now and for the past 3 weeks I have been trying to find the best opportunity to broach the subject again. For different reasons I just couldn't bring myself to ask until last night, it just fell into place with what we were chatting about but he was having afew drinks so really I should have kept my mouth shut. He basically said that he doesn't even know if he wants kids yet that he had told me he wanted to wait 2 years. I know for a fact that he didn't say 2 years cause I wouldn't have been happy with that. I think he thinks that once we start trying it'll happen straight away, I've tried to tell him that It could take 6 -12 mnts if we're lucky which would mean I'd be 35/36 and he would be 37/38 & that I don't want to be in my late 30's starting afamily. Then he brought up he mite not be able to have them, i said neither of us do but at least if we find out that we can't we then we can plan what we want to do with rest of our lives whether we go an alternative route or just plan a life without Kids. Then he said "Well what if i tell you I don't want Kids" I told him that I'd have to go away and think about how I'd feel about it but he has to tell me now if he def knows he doesn't or he should have told me years ago if he knew all that time. The good thing is He didn't confirm that he doesn't so I'm still in hope that he does. Anyway, unfortunatly our little talk last night didn't end very well with both of us going to sleep annoyed with each other but i know unless I bring the subject up again it won't be discussed. He'll keep burying his head. I'm so deflated today and just don't know what way to approach it now.:( I was kind of excited the past 3 weeks thinking we'd be starting but now i know we wont.:( I'd love to know if someone has been in my shoes or similar and what would they recommend. Again sorry for the long winded story

I was in a similar enough situation to you. My boyfriend and myself were (supposedly - separate story) on the verge of getting engaged and he told me that he didn't think he ever wanted to have children.
Long story short, we tried counselling, I thought our relationship was worth trying to save, turns out it wasn't. I wanted / needed the chance at marriage and children with someone who also wanted it not with someone who was doing it to keep me happy.
We broke up when I realised that I was selling myself and my hopes short. A while later I met a different man who is great and we're now married and trying for a baby.
I was 33 going on 34 when we broke up.

Popette2013

Thanks Everyone for your replies. And congratulations to all of you who are pregnant at the moment or now have kids.
Well my update at the moment is, he has told me that he does want to have kids with me which is a relief but he threw in that he wanted to get married 1st so that was a shock to me as we always said that we weren't that bothered about marriage.
He told me not to be asking him about timeframes as he wants it to be a surprise, I'm fully aware that this could be a good excuse for him to delay it further so there were a few heated talks over the weekend but he has basically said it'll be within next 3 mnts, get married quickly then start trying straight away.
So I suppose the only thing I can do is see if anything happens in next few months. It's frustrating but I suppose I'll know where I stand for definite by Xmas, if we're engaged and wedding booked then I know he's serious. If not then I know I won't be able to stay with someone who just says things cause he thinks that's what I want to here.

Popette2013

I have decided I am going to have a fertility check in the meantime & hopefully but unlikely he'll agree to one too. That way if there is a problem it might shock him into trying earlier :-)

Penny Dreadful

Popette2013 wrote: »

Thanks Everyone for your replies. And congratulations to all of you who are pregnant at the moment or now have kids.
Well my update at the moment is, he has told me that he does want to have kids with me which is a relief but he threw in that he wanted to get married 1st so that was a shock to me as we always said that we weren't that bothered about marriage.
He told me not to be asking him about timeframes as he wants it to be a surprise, I'm fully aware that this could be a good excuse for him to delay it further so there were a few heated talks over the weekend but he has basically said it'll be within next 3 mnts, get married quickly then start trying straight away.
So I suppose the only thing I can do is see if anything happens in next few months. It's frustrating but I suppose I'll know where I stand for definite by Xmas, if we're engaged and wedding booked then I know he's serious. If not then I know I won't be able to stay with someone who just says things cause he thinks that's what I want to here.

I really do hope this works out for you. Each and every relationship is different and the break ups and break downs are down to many different things.
My ex strung me along for ages with wanting things to be a surprise, don't put pressure on me, you'll force it, sorry not this year but next year etc etc.
In the end I saw that he quite simply wanted to have an easy life. Me at home waiting for him and him doing what he wanted as and when he wanted. I on the other hand wanted and needed a grown up relationship with someeone who wanted, needed and valued the same things.
For your own sake please know your self worth and know that while its not easy to do the right thing (i.e. break up with him if needed) you are worth it and will get through it.
I realised this and decided that it was / I was worth taking the risk or maybe/ maybe not meeting someone else rather than settling for half of a relationship.

Popette2013

Thanks Penny Dreadful. I have told myself that I'm giving him till Xmas at latest. I think that's fair.

I did tell him at the weekend that I felt he was just stringing me along and that he has no intentions of the relationship moving any further but he did assure me that that's not the case at all. He did admit that he is just trying to get his head around having kids now, he feels like I sprung it on him in the last few months. I kind of did really with the way I approached it but he has had nearly a year to come to terms with it :-)

I just do hope that I am strong enough to walk if there is no sign of anything before Xmas but I am hoping that won't be the case cause I love him to bits but i agree I do have to think of myself too.

Penny Dreadful

Popette2013 wrote: »

Thanks Penny Dreadful. I have told myself that I'm giving him till Xmas at latest. I think that's fair.

I did tell him at the weekend that I felt he was just stringing me along and that he has no intentions of the relationship moving any further but he did assure me that that's not the case at all. He did admit that he is just trying to get his head around having kids now, he feels like I sprung it on him in the last few months. I kind of did really with the way I approached it but he has had nearly a year to come to terms with it :-)

I just do hope that I am strong enough to walk if there is no sign of anything before Xmas but I am hoping that won't be the case cause I love him to bits but i agree I do have to think of myself too.

Just take care of yourself with all of this going on. Its a very stressful time. Also trust yourself too. In hindsight (gotta love a bit of the old hindsight don't you with its 20/20 perfection :rolleyes::)) I should have broken up with my ex a good 2 years before I did, earlier perhaps but if I was to be honest with myself I knew in my heart and soul that it wasn't going to work out. It was just too hard to look at that fact in the eye and deal with it. Eventually though I just couldn't ignore the obvious any longer.

It worked out for me fine, it was hard and difficult at stages but I got through it and always knew that I would. I was happier to be single than in a relationship where I was only getting half of what I should.
Then I met a great guy. He can annoy the hell out of me and we have our fights and all that stuff but he loves me and appreciates me for me and most importantly of all we want the same things.
You deserve the same. Remember you're worth the honesty even if it means making difficult decisions.

Popette2013

Thanks Penny Dreadful. I'm delighted everything worked out for you in the end & you met a great man.

Hopefully it'll all work for us. I suppose only time will tell at the moment :-)

LegacyUser

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck Popette, I am in a similar situation to you, only I was the one that was putting the decision off! My husband always wanted kids whereas I was never sure. We married quite young (I was 24) and I always presumed that when I was 30 or so, the broodiness would kick in and I would want a baby. That never really happened, but I have come to the decision that I would like a child. I have flip-flopped and procrastinated over this and unfortunately we are now in the situation where I am not ovulating due to PCOS and we are having to have treatment in a fertility clinic. I am only just 34, so I am not overly worried yet, but without wanting to add to your stress, everything takes SO LONG! You will most likely have to be trying for at least 6 months before you will be referred to a specialist and even when you get that far, all the tests, scans and then the actual treatment can take a while – and that’s even with going private, it’s a disaster how long it takes if you go public. I could not recommend strongly enough that you do get the fertility tests done now and see where you stand. Hopefully everything will be ok, but at least you will have either your mind put at ease, or know where you stand with regards to time frame and cost.

I think you are wise to set yourself a time limit with your husband, I know you don’t want to put pressure on him or be constantly nagging at him, but unfortunately us ladies do not have the same luxury of time that the gents have! I don’t think you are asking too much by asking him for a yes or no answer and a definite time frame. I hope in your case, he is not trying to delay you further, I think you need to balance giving him space, with getting a definite answer. There should be nothing stopping you from trying while planning your wedding. It sounds like you both would be happy with a small affair, so I wouldn’t use that as an excuse to delay trying any further. Time has a habit of slipping away and I would hate you to end up 36/37 and only then finding out that you have fertility issues. Anyway, best of luck with this and your wedding. If everything comes together, you have exciting times ahead!