need advice getting over toxic violent relationship

LegacyUser

Hi everyone.
Yesterday after nearly 4 years I left my bf. I know the relationship was bad as he hit me a lot unprovoked and sometimes if we were arguing he would hit me.
He was also trying to cheat on dating sites etc.
I am exhausted. I have to move back home to my parents.
I am just wondering has anyone been in a similar situation?
I know we had good times but the bad outweighed that.
I tried to break up before but always went back.

What I need advice about is how do I cope with my feelings? Part of me is thinking I would still want to be with him and that we had something(sounds mad doesnt it). I am starting to miss him and tbh I am very dissapointed that its over as I genuinely loved him with all my heart before.
I also think I am the only one that gets him and that he needs help.
I think he really did love me but it was just like jackel and hyde. He said I always give him a hard timeand never a minutes peace.

I know all this isnt normal way to be thinking but its hard to explain thats why I am hoping maybe someone
who deals with it.
I really just want to be over it and not miss him or anything as it feels horrible when I am hit.

Ps I called womens aid before but am not really in to talking on the phone thing

bp

Good for you for moving out and away from him. Thankfully I have never been in your situation but I wanted to comment to tell you to stay strong.

Get back in touch with your friends and family and keep them around you for support.

Change your phone number and delete him from your facebook account etc - change your passwords. Do as much as possible to distance yourself from being able to contact him - so if you are out with friends give someone your phone to avoid the drunk call.

Also take up a hobby that will allow you meet you people and get new interests - knitting, cycling, martial arts etc, something to occupy your mind.

With regard understanding him - he doesn't want to be understood or saved - he is a bully who will keep bullying until he decides to change. I cannot tell if he would want to change or not but you are better off without him.

Someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved would NEVER treat you like that. Time is a great healer and hopefully in the future you will find true love and someone who treats you properly because no matter what (and being on his case is no justification) you DO NOT deserve that treatment.

Stay strong and make a list off all of the bad things he has done, then if you want to go back to him read that list, remember the bruises and the tears. Relationships aren't about that.

Good luck

desbrook

Human beings can be amazingly conservative - we like what we know even if its terrible . Hence women and men like you and your bf go back into totally disfunctional relationships . You believe that you "understand" and can help him . He believes you need him as no one else will have you . He probably belives you cause him to hit you - he shouldn't but you are such a nag . He feels guilty and the only way to overcome that guilt is to have you back because that proves its all normal relationship stuff and everything is ok . You may also have similar feelings - that getting back will "sort it out" and make the bad stuff go away . WRONG .

I was in a non-violent but miserable marraige for years . Rows - eggshells - the whole lot but being too afraid to leave for financial, emotional and every reason you can think of . My wife had similar feelings I'm sure . Anyway one day we had the guts to split - after ten years . Even then I believed what we had was normal - it wasn't .

For the last 18 months I've been with a new gf . Despite the presssures of me having an ex and kids I have regularly, her the same and the legal drudgery of a separation we haven't had one row ! Ok its only 18 months but we can talk about everything - we literally get stronger everyday . We can't tell other people how happy we are because they'd puke ! This from the guy who's wife told him was argumentative and no one else would have .

I'm not bitter by the way and I don't think bitterness will help you . Thinking about him even if it's negative "what a bastard he is etc etc " is actually likely to make you want to go back . You'll want to change him ....again . You need to accept for whatever reason it just didn't work and won't . It wasn't good for either of you and certainly wasn't normal . Please try and accept that . Best of luck .

eviltwin

Counselling could really help, its sometimes only when you are free of a violent relationship that its full impact really affects you because you're emotional focus has been on him and keeping things on an even keel.

If you look up the Safe Ireland website there are links to various counselling services around the country especially for women who have come through a violent relationship.

Best of luck xx

Neyite

OP, start with Womens Aid. Talk to someone there. They will give you information on the Cycle of Abuse, and help you understand the way it messes with your head.

Read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It explains the abusive partner.

Counselling for you. Pronto. It will help you heal, and help you recognise red flags in the future. It will also build up your self esteem.

I've been where you are - back with the folks as a grown adult, I couldnt keep any food down with the stress, and had to take time off work. I did all of the above, and stayed away from dating and relationships for a year. When the year was up, I eased myself into it again.

Its only been a day. You are hurting and you need to heal. But focus on you, be kind to yourself, and take each day as it comes. If you can, ask a trusted friend to censor your calls/mails so he does not try to manipulate you into going back. You have done the hardest step - walking away. Now its just about maintaining that emotional strength for a little while longer.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone thanks for your kind replies.

To des - your post makes sense.He definitely thinks I wind him up and nag for no reason and that I make him do it.

It is very difficult as the feelings are so strong. I still care about him as odd as it seems. I reported the incident and starting to feel guily althogh I.am determined to see it through.

I guess I am just looking at it through rose tinted glasses as I enjoyed when things were going good. I do miss him and I am very dissapointed that it failed. I know he is thinking I probably set him up.

I will definitely check out the books when I get paid. I just wish I could stop having feelings for him.

Katgurl

Hi OP,

I've come out the other side of a violent abusive relationship too. Well done for leaving, reporting it etc.

I understand you still have feelings for him. People are complex and there is more to him than abuse and violence. But regardless of his other better traits you can't ignore the abuse. You owe it to yourself and everyone who loves you to take care of yourself. You cannot save him, you cannot help him. You may understand why he is the way he is but he needs to deal with the consequences. Going back Wouk enable him and it would destroy you eventually - you will lose sight of what is right and wrong, lose your sense of self worth, lose all persepective.

Remind yourself everyday that you deserve someone who loves you. That includes yourself - going back to him would be self sabotage.

Also echo the other posters on counselling. I did it and I know I'll never end up in a relationship like that again.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.even writing here has helped and I have ordered both books off ebay today.
Spoke with womens aid last night and that was good.

Really trying to resist the urge to contact him.I find myself even thinking up excuses to text him.
There is always the wondering of why hasn't he text me or anyrhing. I thought he loved me in his own way. I don't know why I want to be with someone that doesn't love me.
It would be great if I could just forget about him completely. Feeling really lonely as I could talk to him about most stuff. It probably sounds crazy on the outset but its how I feel

Neyite

gettingthere13 wrote: »

Thanks everyone.even writing here has helped and I have ordered both books off ebay today.
Spoke with womens aid last night and that was good.

Really trying to resist the urge to contact him.I find myself even thinking up excuses to text him.
There is always the wondering of why hasn't he text me or anyrhing. I thought he loved me in his own way. I don't know why I want to be with someone that doesn't love me.
It would be great if I could just forget about him completely. Feeling really lonely as I could talk to him about most stuff. It probably sounds crazy on the outset but its how I feel

one thing that my lovely GP suggested to me was to "write" letters to my ex but to burn them or keep them - just NEVER send them. So I bought a notebook and wrote what I needed to say to him in it. Some days I was hurting, some I was angry, some I felt great and wrote about my goals for the future. It was very therapeutic. After a few months, I could read back and see how far I came from the early days of raw hurt, and it reassured me that time heals. I always felt better after I ranted a bit or organised my thoughts on paper. Maybe it might work for you?

He doesnt text you because you are no longer compliant to his abuse. He is not interested in an equal partner, but one he can control and dominate. The relationship he wants is more akin to the relationship between a pet and a master than a match of equals. You want (and deserve) equal treatment, and to be treated with respect. He wants to be the master, and the boss. That is no reflection on you whatsoever.

LegacyUser

Thanks neyite I think I will try that. I used to write while I was still with him but I used feel ashamed and disgusted reading it back. I also kept a diary of abuse from my phone but deleted it for the same reason.

Had a horrible day. His mother has said to me that obviously he isn't hitting me for no reason(on phone) and said all my problem is is that he is leaving me!he was shouting in the background saying he is going to report me hitting him...self defence..even so I would never have hit him my hardest as I would be terrified what he would do back.
Im afraid now nothing will come of my complaint when it took me so long to actually break and call for help. He was saying he is gonna plead not guilty if it goes to court.the garda told me they rang him to show up but he never did.im afraid I wont be believed.
He has taken his stuff from our flat and not left anything for bills and I haven't been there yet but am sure its in a mess.
My emotions are all over the place.

I really appreciate everyone writing back.

Neyite

Stand back and see that for what it is - empty threats. Why does he need them? Because right now, you are empowered, no longer under his thumb, so what does he do? enlist help to bully you to try and get you back. At least we can see where he gets his impeccable manners. :rolleyes:

But that doesnt make any sense, does it? I mean, if you are as awful as he claims, shouldnt he be better off now you have gone? (and if his mother manages to corner you again, say that to her- she'll have no comeback) So he is contradicting himself. The reason he wants you back is because he liked to bully a woman, and because you used to let him. I guarantee that if you did go back, and didnt accept his abuse, he would lose interest. Its all about control you see.

Don't worry about the Gardai, or his threats. They see abusers every day of the week. They hear all the lies that they spin, but the lies trip them up in the end. Having said that, you should go to the Gardai and make a statement to have on record. I was advised to do this by Womens Aid, as sometimes, the abuse/harassment can escalate when you attempt or succeed in leaving.

Edit: sorry, just saw you already did that. Well done. And dont worry about his counter-claim. Its standard operating procedure for abusers to try and do that, and they will see it for what it is.

Remember. There is NEVER a reason for him hitting you. There is NEVER a reason for verbal abuse. There is NEVER a reason for emotional abuse. There is NEVER a reason for sexual abuse. Every person is entitled to a relationship with someone who makes them feel good, feel respected and feel cared for.

bp

His mother sounds like some piece of work! Can you ask the landlord to change the locks to the apt - tell him why want it done so he is aware of the threat.

Also ignore his BS over going to the police - he is now scared that you stood up to him and he cannot bully the police.

All you need to know is that you were strong enough to leave and stand up to him so you are strong enough to live the life you deserve.

Keep strong and remember you are SO much better than him and his mother (who he probably bullies too).

We are all here for you

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.
His mother was beaten by her husband so she should know of all people. She is unreal. But she has a crazy mentality. She actually said its not ok for him to hit me because we are not married...like that makes it ok!!

I am going to make a statement to the police early next week to set things in motion
There is already a warrant out because I had a court order against him. But he is avoiding the p
Gardai and hasn't gone in at the time they arranged(garda told me that) have to say the garda were great.I was always a bit aprehensive of going to them in case they thought I was mad for staying.

I am feeling a little bit better now.I am looking into counselling. Thanks again for all the replies. I will keep you all updayed

bp

Keep strong and remember you deserve so much better than him and his crazy family.

Also the mind is a strange thing, so don't get yourself down about staying with him or missing him- these feelings occur in all people.

Whenever you feel weak read your post to see how far you've come

NeonCookies

Thankfully, I've never been in a similar situation so I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. I couldn't read the thread and not reply so I just wanted to say that you should be so, so proud of yourself right now OP. You deserve a relationship where you are an equal - where your thoughts and feelings are respected. You've been so brave walking away from him, just hold on to that feeling and remember it when things get tough when you miss him etc (that's natural because it was a habit and a routine for you, don't feel like a failure because of it!) The suggestion above of writing unsent letters to him is fantastic - it'll help you work out your emotions, and seeing your emotional journey in the future will show you how far you'll have come. The Gardai deal with his type all the time, they can see right through his lies. Don't be afraid to talk to them. Counselling is also an excellent idea - make sure you find a counselor who you feel 110% comfortable with, and this journey will be made so much easier. Finally, surround yourself with people who love you and learn to love yourself again. You can do it

P. Breathnach

gettingthere13 wrote: »

... His mother was beaten by her husband so she should know of all people. She is unreal. But she has a crazy mentality. She actually said its not ok for him to hit me because we are not married...like that makes it ok!!
...

What you say about his mother should be a warning for you. It is likely that her mentality has been shaped by her own experience of physical abuse.

When a partner is abused, they often develop strange attitudes because they can lose their ability to see and understand what is happening to them. I think you might be having a bit of similar reaction, a difficulty in taking your mind outside the situation and seeing how the abuse is affecting you. You wrote

It is very difficult as the feelings are so strong. I still care about him as odd as it seems. I reported the incident and starting to feel guily althogh I.am determined to see it through.

I guess I am just looking at it through rose tinted glasses as I enjoyed when things were going good. I do miss him and I am very dissapointed that it failed.

So far, you are still managing to see how bad your situation has been, but it is clear that you can see a danger that you might be tempted to go back into it.

Stay strong. Don't end up like his mother.

LegacyUser

Hi op I'm going through a similar situation myself..I posted a thread myself a few days ago about my story.but all I can say to u is fair play for getting out the other end,the hardest bit of leaving is over.all u can do is surround yourself with family and friends and most of all give yourself time,I had left my fella before but went back because I felt like I couldn't live without him,the problem is I didn't give myself enough time to get used to this big change.similarily my fella s parents are a bad sort too,the father abused the mother.and she's still with him but she's so damaged ,which explains their son now behaving in the same manner towards me.count yourself lucky theres no kids involved.stay strong and best of luck.a person like that will not change

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

To difficult situation - I don't teally feel proud of myself today.I haven't stopped crying and I feel like I am heartbroken. I'm starting to think I wish things were normal as in baxk to the way they were before. Its driving me crazy being in my parents house its like im a kid again.
I keep checking his viber and whats app to see is he online- don't know why though.
Keep wondering is he thinking about me,why hasnt he text me etc.
Really down now. I'd love to ring him but I can't
It feels like I can't be happy until I am back with him

Taltos

OP - for your own sake and to help with the healing process please do the following

1. Delete his contact from your phone
2. Delete all messages/history from your phone
3. Don't read or accept any calls from his number or his mums or his best friends.
4. If you have facebook - suggest you take time out for a few months or if you can't delete his contact and update your privacy to the max you can do.
5. Talk to someone - contact a friend or arrange to meet a local counsellor to get all of this out - as helpful as the net is - sometimes have a face to face conversation with someone really helps.

Look - you are going to have weak moments. Hopefully after a few months you will get less, but they will occur. You need to stay strong though. If you made the mistake of going back you and we all know that your chance of longterm happiness would be lost. In years to come you will become his mother - believing in your heart that you deserve to be abused and not seeing any alternative. Please don't for one moment believe that he or any abuser does this out of love - it is from their own sense of control or hate - there is NO love in that - none. Like many I am sure he has his lines down pat - able to talk the rear end off a donkey and promise to change - but he won't. I'm sorry but the chances are he will be like this for the rest of his life - at least with you. Maybe through losing you permanently he will look at himself and start to change - but the routine is set with you now and you will only face worse with him.

Stay strong - and well done for leaving.

NeonCookies

It sounds like you're having a rough day today You feel like you're heartbroken, because you are! This man took advantage of your love and used it to control you - that's an awful thing to happen to anyone! He hasn't texted you because you've broken the spell of control he had over you - if you contact him now he'll feel he has that control back again, and things will get worse.

The feelings you have right now, missing him etc. are completely normal. BUT THEY WILL PASS! Be strong, and don't contact him. If needs be give your phone to one of your parents whenever the urge gets really strong. If it's too personal to ask them to do that, take out your battery and sim card and place them in different places around the house. That way using your phone takes more effort than just turning it on, and you're more likely to stop yourself from making a rash decision. If you have a very good friend who'd be happy just to sit with you for the evening (sounds like you aren't really up for chatting, but even throw on the tv or a movie) then ask them to come over.

Also, at this point I think you should be preparing yourself for when he eventually does contact you (which I think is a high probability). Right now, he's probably just assuming you'll come back to him without him having to do anything. When he realises that's not the case he may start trying to get you back himself. Prepare yourself for the promises he'll make, and the anger he may show towards you. Write a list of the bad things that have happened in the past, and look at it when he makes these promises to remind yourself. Don't feel bad about not responding to his messages or calls if you feel that's the best thing to do. If possible, maybe avoid all contact (even reading messages etc.) until you are set up with a good counsellor - they'll help you deal with the emotions any contact brings up.

LegacyUser

Hi again Op here.

The lasy few days have been extremely hard. I am crying all the time and even dreaming about him.
As bizzare as it sounds I just want to see him so badly and have things back the way they were.
I'm actually embaressed to say I have rang him and text him A LOT. Probably look like a pyscho stalker. I couldnt even press charges now because id look like an idiot.

I keep over anylising(spelled wrong) it so much. I keep thinking I shouldve done this, I never shouldve done that, why didnt he love me, why was he texting other girls, was I not good enough etc.

He also has said I mentally abused him and he never felt good around me. I did say some horrible things to him during arguments and thats playing on my mind too. Maybe I did do that and then it woudlnt be fair if I pressed charges on him if ive been so horrible.

I tried to book a visa to go away to family abroad but they visa application times are closed so im stuck here and feel like I am gonna crack up.

My landlord keeps calling to see am I moving out. Everytime he does I get stomach pains. I dont wanna move out because it means theres no get backs.

I could actually just forget about what happened now and am starting to wish I kept quiet and never got anyone involved. I am literally so desperate to be back with him. I cant even begin to contemplate never seeing him again. I wouldnt even know i he was dead or alive because we dont live close.

My life is falling apart at the seams and I have turned into a pyscho. I am actually so weak.
What is wrong with me. I literally feel like I cant live without him. One part of me is saying fight for him and do whatever you can to win him back and the other part just wants to sleep for a year

LegacyUser

I just read only the first paragraph of women who love to much and I cant believe it.its like me

bp

These are natural feelings post break-up but please please please don't go back to him.

Give your phone to someone else, remember the bruises and don't give in.

LegacyUser

Thanks bp. Your post gives me great relief to know im not going mad

LegacyUser

Just to update. I went to see a counsellor yesterday and I definitely feel a little better. He is helping me realise that its not my fault if he didnt love me or that I didnt ask to be hit.

P. Breathnach

gettingthere13 wrote: »

Just to update. I went to see a counsellor yesterday and I definitely feel a little better. He is helping me realise that its not my fault if he didnt love me or that I didnt ask to be hit.

I am very relieved! It worried me that you were so conflicted a couple of days ago.

Stay strong. It won't be easy, but the longer you keep working on the idea of being the most powerful person in your own life, the easier it will become. In the future, you will be able to look back and see how much he undermined your self-belief.