Am I wrong

carrig2

Hi I am a woman in a relationship with a man for the last 3 years and living with him for 2 years. I was married before and left my husband for my current partner.

I had an affair, my husband found out and I left him to be with my partner. Yes I was a cheat, a liar and a lowlife and I am not proud of myself at all. But I want to know what people feel about what happened today.

Some of the reason I left my husband was because I felt neglected. He never bought me presents for my birthday or Christmas, he never took me out and I did all the work around the house. That is no excuse for cheating but I am just putting it in as background.

My new partner turned my head. I met him through work and he paid me compliments, sent me texts telling me I was wonderful and wrote me loving e-mails. Some of the e-mails were poems that he told me he wrote when he could not sleep because he ached for me.

Two years on we are living together. I find it hard to live with myself. Guilt keeps me awake at night and I miss my children even though I see them every day. My partner has no work now so we don't go out and once again I am doing all the work, paying all the bills and life has not changed except that I am living with a different man.

Today I was off work so I was clearing stuff when I found the poems my partner wrote me, 15 in all. I don't know why now after all this time but I googled one, and another, and another. All 15 were poems he found online.

I am upset, I really believed him when he told me he wrote them. I asked him and he said it was my fault, why didn't I leave well enough alone and just be happy with them as they were.

So basically the question I am asking is this. Is it a big deal that he lied? Or am I just letting my guilt for what I have done cloud my judgement.

I realise this is minor compared to most relationship issues and maybe I am making a big deal about nothing.

Czarcasm

carrig2 wrote: »

So basically the question I am asking is this. Is it a big deal that he lied? Or am I just letting my guilt for what I have done cloud my judgement.

I realise this is minor compared to most relationship issues and maybe I am making a big deal about nothing.

OP I'm surprised that you're surprised tbh. It's clearly a big enough deal to you that he lied when you had to ask the question here, but if it were me, I'd be more concerned about the financial and employment aspects of your situation and the state of your relationship right now than a couple of cheesy love poems.

It sounds like a frying pan into the fire, grass is greener situation to me tbh, your last relationship there's no going back, so it's not even worth talking about. What you need to do now is focus on repairing THIS one- sit down with him and work out a plan for the future for both of you. Forget about the stupid poems, they're barely registering on the important things in a relationship scale. You both lied at the start of the relationship, the honeymoon period is long done, now you have to start working together if you both genuinely want this relationship to work.

CaraMay

The poems don't matter so don't use them as a stick to beat him with. At the end of the day the choice to have an affair was yours. Have you had counselling to deal with the break.up? If not, it may help.

Unless your partner is deliberately being a dole bum then you should not be annoyed with him for not working. That's the problem with jumping the fence to the green grass, sometimes you find some cowpats there too. Work on the relationship and ser if it can work. If not then learn from it and move on.

carrig2

CaraMay wrote: »

The poems don't matter so don't use them as a stick to beat him with. At the end of the day the choice to have an affair was yours. Have you had counselling to deal with the break.up? If not, it may help.

Unless your partner is deliberately being a dole bum then you should not be annoyed with him for not working. That's the problem with jumping the fence to the green grass, sometimes you find some cowpats there too. Work on the relationship and ser if it can work. If not then learn from it and move on.

I am not saying I am annoyed with him for not working, I know he would work if he could. But he could do some of housework. I don't feel it fair that I work outside the home and in it too.

carrig2

Ok it seems that the poems do not matter. I was putting too much pass on them. I did kinda think that to be honest. Thank you for your replies

CaraMay

In the grand scheme the poems don't matter. Getting your relationship back on line does.

carrig2

CaraMay wrote: »

In the grand scheme the poems don't matter. Getting your relationship back on line does.

Ok thanks. feel bit silly now, like a young one that hasn't a clue

CaraMay

Ah not at all but maybe try counselling to deal with all that guilt you are,carrying

Czarcasm

carrig2 wrote: »

Ok it seems that the poems do not matter. I was putting too much pass on them. I did kinda think that to be honest. Thank you for your replies

OP try not to be so hard on yourself either, it takes two people to make a relationship work, you left one relationship already when it wasn't working and I don't know if you tried to work things out, but before you think about leaving this one, try and focus on making it work first so you're not consumed by guilt for a second time. You have to remember too OP the common denominator in both relationships is you, and I'm just wondering have you ever instead of asking yourself "WHY did this happen?", perhaps ask yourself "Why did I LET this happen?".

carrig2

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP try not to be so hard on yourself either, it takes two people to make a relationship work, you left one relationship already when it wasn't working and I don't know if you tried to work things out, but before you think about leaving this one, try and focus on making it work first so you're not consumed by guilt for a second time. You have to remember too OP the common denominator in both relationships is you, and I'm just wondering have you ever instead of asking yourself "WHY did this happen?", perhaps ask yourself "Why did I LET this happen?".

No, I didn't really try and make it work to be honest. Yes thank you for your point, I will do a bit of thinking on this.

Magicmatilda

I think you need to sit down and talk about his role in the home. Also you probably need to discuss how you both feel about the relationship, openly and honestly. Maybe get some counselling. I wouldn't think the poems are an issue.

Green&Red

Have u discussed the house work with him, maybe he needs a push?
Possibly its easily solved with a bit of communication
Also I wouldnt use ur previous relationship as a reference point, everyone likes to think their relationship is new and unique, it isnt but being compared to a previous relationship isnt nice and wont help

Catari Jaguar

Seems to me the poems are a microcosm of the potential of the is new relationship that you sacrificed so much for. Now you feel misled and betrayed. These grand declarations of love, making you feel special and giving you the attention you desired, so much so, that you left your husband. You thought things would be different. Now you feel that was based on a sham, these aren't even his words, and you fell for it. Now you feel trapped in this rat race life that is the exact same, and maybe if he HAD written those poems, life would be different because you would feel his love is stronger and truer, but alas...

Merkin

I think your issue with the poems is merely a smokescreen.

You've openly admitted that what you did was wrong and you seem consumed with guilt over the fact. The fact that you left your husband and children for the illusion of the perfect man has now been shattered and the poem issue is merely symptomatic of bigger problems it would seem.

What is the real issue here?

Do you regret leaving your husband? Do you still have feelings for your current partner or are you afraid you made a mistake? Are you perhaps afraid to admit that you've made a mistake? Are you looking for an excuse to say that you made a mistake? Do you think you have feelings for your ex and maybe it wasn't so bad after all? You say this man turned your head, do you feel that he also lied and projected a difference image of himself than he is now portraying? Or is this all down to not dealing with your guilt and coming to terms with your actions and the people you hurt along the way?

Sorry for all the questions but what's really getting to you?

Lorna123

Okay, he lied about the poems but he did chose them off the net and thought they would be appropriate to send to you. The words in the poems were the words he wanted to use so that has to count for something. He was trying to be romantic. Your ex didn't try. So what exactly do you want?

carrig2

sunflower27 wrote: »

You sound really frustrated and at the moment anything he does that annoys you is going to be magnified. Were you in a good place with him in the relationship, you may have even laughed at the copied poems.

You effectively left one lazy lump for another by the sounds of it. So he sits around all day and does nothing? No wonder you feel deflated. He is possibly depressed being out of work, but it doesn't mean he cant help you out.

Explain to him how you feel coming home from work to a messy house. Most likely he would be telling you if the shoe was on the other foot. You are obviously unhappy, tell him why.

Good luck xx

You know I think you are right. When I read that first I was thinking "no way" buy yeah, I think you are right.

carrig2

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

Seems to me the poems are a microcosm of the potential of the is new relationship that you sacrificed so much for. Now you feel misled and betrayed. These grand declarations of love, making you feel special and giving you the attention you desired, so much so, that you left your husband. You thought things would be different. Now you feel that was based on a sham, these aren't even his words, and you fell for it. Now you feel trapped in this rat race life that is the exact same, and maybe if he HAD written those poems, life would be different because you would feel his love is stronger and truer, but alas...

You know what, this sounds like you are in my head. WOW.......and then I read what you said about the poems and it is not true. If the poems were truly his it would not make things perfect and now I see what everyone else is saying. The poems don't count at all. Yes I did think things would be different but that is my fault.

December2012

Are you blaming him for the choices you made and the consequences of your actions?

Hannibal Smith

To be honest I would be annoyed about the poems. Its like deception. You werebored In your previous relationship and had your head turned by this new exciting fanciful love who wrote seemingly sincere poems and now you find out part of the make up of the relationship that influenced your decision to have the affair was a lie. I would be upset about that and it would also make me wonder what else he lied about and would feel tricked/conned into a relationship.

But that's just me. You left a man because he wasn't treating you how you wanted to be treated. That is not a crime. There are plenty of threads on here about people in dead end marriages and posters encouraging them to leave, so dont beat yourself up about it and dont feel you have to stick to this relationship as some sort of punishment.

You are entitled to raise the issues with your partner without him behaving like a petulant child in response and you are entitled to expect that he pull his weight. AAddress the issues with him and go from there. If you are unhappy you are under no obligation to stay.

Green&Red

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

You are entitled to raise the issues with your partner without him behaving like a petulant child in response and you are entitled to expect that he pull his weight. AAddress the issues with him and go from there. If you are unhappy you are under no obligation to stay.

In fairness she never said he behaves like a petulant child. He doesnt do the work around the house, as I've said already, maybe try asking him to do it.

As for the poems, everyone lies at the start of a new relationship, you try and build a good image of yourself, and hide your flaws, he made the effort to be sweet with the poems, I think you should reflect on that and not the fact that he didnt actually write them.

carrig2

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

To be honest I would be annoyed about the poems. Its like deception. You werebored In your previous relationship and had your head turned by this new exciting fanciful love who wrote seemingly sincere poems and now you find out part of the make up of the relationship that influenced your decision to have the affair was a lie. I would be upset about that and it would also make me wonder what else he lied about and would feel tricked/conned into a relationship.

But that's just me. You left a man because he wasn't treating you how you wanted to be treated. That is not a crime. There are plenty of threads on here about people in dead end marriages and posters encouraging them to leave, so dont beat yourself up about it and dont feel you have to stick to this relationship as some sort of punishment.

You are entitled to raise the issues with your partner without him behaving like a petulant child in response and you are entitled to expect that he pull his weight. AAddress the issues with him and go from there. If you are unhappy you are under no obligation to stay.

Yes that is true and this was what upset me originally too but I have thought about it since. Affairs are built around deceit and lying of some sort, if not to the new partner certainly me to my husband and he to his partner. Looking back I should have known it was pretence and he was feeding me what I wanted to hear, maybe to make me feel good or maybe to get what he originally wanted.

What is really important now is what happened since and I need to look at what i have and see am I happy with it and if not what to do to change it.

carrig2

December2012 wrote: »

Are you blaming him for the choices you made and the consequences of your actions?

I am thinking on this one. I don't think I am blaming him, after all it was my choice to leave. But maybe I am resentful, yes which is probably the same thing is it?

Hannibal Smith

I never said she did say that. Read the opening post and you'll see she said she asked him about the poems and he reacted by asking why she couldn't leave well enough alone. To me that's acting like a petulant child.

Its a forum people draw different conclusions to whats posted

Big Bag of Chips

OP, the problem with all relationships is they inevitably pass the "honeymoon" period and settle into the hum-drum of ordinary, everyday life.

You were married, with kids, life was predictable and stale, you had settled into a rut with your husband and the daily drudge of family life. Then a bit of flattery from someone else seemed exciting, and as you say yourself, turned your head. Now what has happened is that excitement of being with someone new has also worn off from this relationship and you are now settling into the daily drudge of this relationship.

You need to decide if you can be happy in a "settled" relationship, or if you will always be on the lookout for something exciting and romantic. You now realise that your exciting and romantic "milk-tray man" is just "a man"! He has his flaws, he has disappointed you and the relationship you left your marriage and kids for isn't really all that different to your old relationship.

He mightn't see the need for the housework to be done - if you want him to do it, ask him.