Married but no love, and still in love with my first girlfriend - confused !

jpr_apple

ok this is long story - 2 parts !

I'll start by saying that I am recently married, 1 year now this coming August, with a step-daughter 4 and a son 2. I've made a massive mistake marrying this woman as we did not do it for the right reasons, basically i was desperate for a family and thought time was passing me by, and my wife is most likely the same, we were kind of there for each other if you want and we agreed to have a child and then marry. it was not for love, but we probably, more in hope than anything, thought love would grow or having a second child and marrying and settling would make us solid or the love would come. But anyway we imagined a good life for us all, we got on good, but we knew the love was not so strong.

(at this point in my life, i knew i was never going to have the same strong love and friendship as i had with my first girlfriend, i gave up on that a long time ago of ever having anything close to equalling that)

i knew before i married then (probably after that stage when you know its too late with wedding approaching) that she is very bossy and is not afraid to use language in front of the kids and argue in front of kids, all things i don't like. so on top of me not loving her, i have no inclination towards trying to resolve any disputes we have, i just try to put a front on for the sake of the kids. we get on well enough but we would agree (and the time will come when we have to admit this to each other) that we dont love each other really.

I'm not sure how much longer i want to go on with this, I know 100% this marriage cannot last, i could go another year, another 3, another 5 maybe, but its all just for the sake of the kids.

I think if eventually we do split, things first and foremost would be done in such a way as to avoid any anguish for the kids, this is all that really concerns me, if i thought my wife and I could split and we could then be friends for the kids sake and i get to see both kids then i'd leave in a shot probably.

Part 2 --

I am still very much in love with my first girlfriend ?

18 years ago i met a girl, my first girlfriend. We were young, we got on great, never a problem, only a problem when others like our friends tried giving advice or stepping in and trying in any way to cause us grief, we think probably a mix of jealousy, youthfulness and foolishness, lots of socialising and going different ways. We had very few arguments and were just madly in love. I stupidly called it all off though approximately 2.5 years in ( i was gullible and it seemed no-one was pulling for us to help us stay together) and to this very day and most days between that and now i always asked myself why!? i thought about her say over the 15 years we were apart, maybe one day in every two at least (not an understatement). We made a few attempts to contact each other at certain times but we were either with someone or it just wasnt possible to respond. Well about one year we made contact with each other again and all i can think about now is that I want to be with her for the rest of my days. We talk almost every day and get on as good as we ever did before. We have met twice for a cuppa and chat and know something is still there between us. She is also in an unhappy situation and has two kids. We both know ourselves we are not unhappy, or if you like, this unhappiness is not, as a result of her and me back chatting, the unhappiness is here no matter if we had met back or not.

i want to be with her, i think she wants to be with me, but is afraid to admit to wanting to leave her husband (even though sometimes he threatens her with divorce anyway and is very rude and abusive to her sometimes) as she is afraid that she is the cause of say if i was to ever break up, she would think it is her fault, which it very much isn't. i then also do not want to be a cause of someone else breaking up either. but i am more sure now of what i want in life and that is to live my days with someone i truely love and like, i only wish she was the same, i beleive she is but is a good woman and won't admit it to me only because she never wants to be associated with a broken up family. she seems prepared to live on in unhappiness for her kids sake.

its messy and complicated and there are 4 kids involved. I know we can be happy together forever. we are two nice people unlike our other halves, we dont want to split up with our other halves and cause so much pain and trouble, but we just know we would be very happy together.

is what we are doing ok, just chatting admitting how much we still love each other, meeting occassionally, we dont do anything, and can only meet once in blue moon anyway. we do take this risk and we know it, we cant be found out even though we arent doing anything wrong, we do not cross the line if you like. we cant stop, we've tried an odd break, but we know its causes us to miss other even more so we give up on a few weeks not talking and generally chat most days now.

has anyone a magic answer ? because we are at a loss at to what is right/wrong here.

thanks,
j.

Taltos

There is no magic answer.
But consider this - what chance does your 1 year marriage stand if you are still in contact and meeting the woman you profess to love beyond all others?

You might not consider that cheating, but to some emotional cheating is horrific.

My advice
> stop all contact with your ex
> goto marriage counselling and try to work on your marriage
> if that doesn't work then split but at least give the marriage a chance.

Think about it - what chance would any of us have in a relationship if we were still invested in an old one that is sure to be lit by fond remembrances????

blatantrereg

You got back in touch with your ex around the same time you got married to your wife?

You have no inclination to try to resolve disputes with her. That's probably because you have no emotion invested in your relationship, rather than she being bossy. She might be bossy because you have no inclination to resolve disputes.

Really doubt there is much more than nostalgia between you and your ex. Neither of you like responsibility very much. You are probably missing the way you were when you were together, when you didn't have much of it.

jpr_apple

thank you for reading and responding

Taltos wrote: »

But consider this - what chance does your 1 year marriage stand if you are still in contact and meeting the woman you profess to love beyond all others? If there was love in our marriage to begin with i would agree entirely

You might not consider that cheating, but to some emotional cheating is horrific.

My advice
> stop all contact with your ex We've thought about this, but we dont see how it is going to help in any way, it only makes up unhappier and does not suddenly bring happiness to the two marriages
> goto marriage counselling and try to work on your marriage i might do this, but can they suddenly help us to love each other if really we have never even been in love
> if that doesn't work then split but at least give the marriage a chance.

Think about it - what chance would any of us have in a relationship if we were still invested in an old one that is sure to be lit by fond remembrances????

rainbowtrout

While they may seem intertwined, you have two separate issues.

First of all figure out what you want to do with your marriage. The ex girlfriend issue is separate. You state quite clearly that you don't love your wife, is the feeling mutual? Did she get into it for much the same reasons as yourself? Would a separation/divorce actually be best all round, where if both of you are indifferent about how you feel about each other, you can go your separate ways but work towards providing your children with a stable life.


Only when you have sorted out where your marriage is going should you consider what will happen with your ex. First off ask yourself this: if your ex wasn't around, wasn't in contact, emigrated to the other side of the world with no chance of ever meeting her again, would you have such a bleak outlook on your marriage and would you still want to split up with your wife?


Also think about this: assuming you and your wife separate , your ex may choose not to leave her husband.

So back to point 1. Sort out your marriage/separation first and you may need to take legal advice on it before you consider the future because your ex may choose not to be a part of it.

jpr_apple

thank you for reading and responding

blatantrereg wrote: »

You got back in touch with your ex around the same time you got married to your wife? a month or just about after, I am not saying who contacted who, that is irrelevent

You have no inclination to try to resolve disputes with her. That's probably because you have no emotion invested in your relationship, rather than she being bossy. She might be bossy because you have no inclination to resolve disputes. yeah, the emotion is certainly lacking i agree, i prefer a loving passionate emotion, not an emotion which rises in arguing and fighting. my wife is a very bossy person regardless of other emotions realting to love, the bossiness directed at me, if you can beleive me is unjust and unfair, i would go so far as to say its a bossiness over the male, i cant describe it

Really doubt there is much more than nostalgia between you and your ex. Neither of you like responsibility very much. i cant say everything about our characters, but that couldn't be any further from the truth, we are so much more responsible than our other halves in everyday life except what we do now obviously but we are not wreckless totally
You are probably missing the way you were when you were together, when you didn't have much of it.

jpr_apple

thank you for reading and responding

rainbowtrout wrote: »

While they may seem intertwined, you have two separate issues.

First of all figure out what you want to do with your marriage. The ex girlfriend issue is separate. You state quite clearly that you don't love your wife, is the feeling mutual? Did she get into it for much the same reasons as yourself? Yes but she hasnt admitted it, nor have i, but we probably know it is only a matter of time
Would a separation/divorce actually be best all round, where if both of you are indifferent about how you feel about each other, you can go your separate ways but work towards providing your children with a stable life. a stable life for the kids is all i want, that and to be with my one and only love of my life and also a stable life for my wife of course, I am not the jumping ship and running away kind


Only when you have sorted out where your marriage is going should you consider what will happen with your ex. First off ask yourself this: if your ex wasn't around, wasn't in contact, emigrated to the other side of the world with no chance of ever meeting her again, would you have such a bleak outlook on your marriage and would you still want to split up with your wife?
i would have the same bleak outlook on the marriage which i is also something i have said to her, but i only want to get out of my marriage if she can be with me down the line, this also comes back to the kids, i am basically doing what she is doing, prepared to live in a loveless marriage only for the kids so long as the fighting and arguing did not get serious, i never grew up in a parents always fighting envirnoment and i dont want my kids to , but it is a good point you raise

Also think about this: assuming you and your wife separate , your ex may choose not to leave her husband.
same sort of thing as above, she may not is right, i cant disagree

So back to point 1. Sort out your marriage/separation first and you may need to take legal advice on it before you consider the future because your ex may choose not to be a part of it. yes, thanks, i will at some point go down this route also and it is about keeping things as close to as is for my family, albeit with me not around, but for them to remain stable and happy in some way

CaraMay

Did I read it correctly? You are telling each other how much you love each other? That's an affair and there is no chance of either family being happy when there is daily infidelity going on.

jpr_apple

CaraMay wrote: »

Did I read it correctly? You are telling each other how much you love each other? That's an affair and there is no chance of either family being happy when there is daily infidelity going on.

actually dont quote me on that, i much more than her will say it, much much more, she has only said it once or twice but knows for the reason you say above thats basically what this is when she does say it, so she holds back. whether she holds back or not, if she feels it what is the difference, if there is still a strong bond of love between us then i cant disagree with you on the point you make. we are two fine good honest people, we cant believe that we are in this position. are we no better than those who cheat fully and daily even though there is nothing physical going on between us and we very rarely see each other.

CaraMay

How honest are you really? Do your respective partners know about your meetings and your declarations. Are you sleeping with your wife? Unless she knows exactly what's going on and how often then it can hardly be classified as an honest relationship.

You seem to want people to tell you its ok. It's not. Doesn't matter how unhappy you are, until you are single, this is cheating.

Bigdeadlydave

Ask your ex gf if she would be willing to give it a shot with you, if she is, go for it and break up with your wife, just be careful you dont get in a position were you break up but she dithers, she has to be 100% committed. If she won't then break off contact with her and think hard about your marraige

ibarelycare

Bigdeadlydave wrote: »

Ask your ex gf if she would be willing to give it a shot with you, if she is, go for it and break up with your wife, just be careful you dont get in a position were you break up but she dithers, she has to be 100% committed. If she won't then break off contact with her and think hard about your marraige

Don't do this. You shouldn't wait and see if one relationship is going to work before breaking off another one.

The bottom line is you are in an unhappy marriage. I don't agree with the people saying you should try and work on it. Usually I would, but I honestly don't see the point here. There is no love between you and you obviously have no desire to make it work. I'm not sure if your wife feels the same, but reading between the lines it sounds like it was a marriage of convenience (desperation for a family?) for her too.

Separate the two issues. Your decision to leave your wife should have nothing to do with your ex girlfriend. You're not happy and you don't want to be with your wife. Why wait 3 or 5 years? Do you think you're going to wake up one day happy and in love? Because you're not. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and get the ball rolling on a separation.

I would be careful with your ex as well. It's going to be difficult but you should really cut back contact as much as you can, for now anyway. If you're going to separate from your wife, and she knows/finds out about the emotional affair you're having, this can be used against you. Decide on a timeframe - 6 months maybe. Keep your distance for that long, and sort your own problems out. Get back in touch then and see where you both stand.

magoko101

Seems to me like the right thing to do is to end your current relationship if it's not working and not what you want.
I would then cut contact with this friend.... and say that basically you have ended your relationship because you were not happy in it, but that you are not expecting her to do the same. She should decide for herself to end her marriage if she wishes.... and if she doesn't then it's best for yourself to try and move on.

Starokan

Based on your posts it seems to me that your marriage is over, you should let your wife go and hopefully both of you will find happiness elsewhere.

Regarding your ex I suspect she may never leave her husband so I would not count on her being there if you leave. The reality is you should leave your marriage regardless of your ex's position. If you have not the strength to do this then I would ask your ex if she is prepared to leave her husband, if she is not then all you are doing is creating a world of hurt for yourself by remaining in touch.

Your creating a monster of a situation here that will just leave you all in pieces, I know its difficult for you but at least both of you could show your current partners some respect and stop meeting up. By meeting and talking the way you do with each other you are as good as cheating

No marriage or relationship will ever be saved while there is a third party in the mix

Idle Passerby

Your responses to everyones advice paints the picture that you have no intention to try to work things out with your wife or actually be present in that relationship. 'Staying in it for the kids' is a cop out excuse.

Do you imagine an amicable divorce if/when your wife realises you've never had any intention of giving her the affection you continue to bestow on a third party?

Do you imagine the children would be better growing up with two parents who bicker and have no intention of being happy together and a father who never loved their mum but didnt have the guts to leave her while he continued carrying on with another married woman?

Be honest. If its ok for you to pine after someone else and keep in touch with them, I assume you would be ok for your wife to do the same, and that begs the question, whats the point of the two of you staying together? The kids are still young but they will not be blind to their parents relationship forever.

Empfehlen

OP it's time you ended your marriage, try to be as civil
As possible about it. Good luck.

cas_k

You have responded that you will only consider breaking up your own marriage if you are certain that your ex will eventually be with you. So basically the thing is you are terrified of being alone!!!

Your most certainly thinking that the grass is greener at the moment. I hate to break it to you but your ex will also have qualities that grate on you eventually and if the worst fault you can pick up with anyone is "bossy" I think you will be doing well.

You never gave your marriage half a chance of working - you got in contact with your ex more or less as you were still digesting your wedding cake. Would there be any chance that perhaps you are instigating some of these arguements you have with your wife... as it doesn't make you feel quite so bad knowing what you are doing to her behind her back.

I don't think you will take advice from this thread as you clearly have your mind set on what you want. Personally I feel you have made your promises to your wife and your children and you should at least give them some kind of chance (which you have not done since your wedding day). Go to marriage counselling, sit down and talk to your wife about how your feeling within the marriage. Stop living in the past (because that is what your ex is)... You won't leave your wife until you are 100% sure that you have somewhere to go to - and chances are if your ex does not leave her husband you will find someone else to take her place further down the line as the monotony of married life just bores you.

Emme

OP, you have treated the woman you married like a brood mare. Now that she had your child you are no longer interested in her.

I think she's angry and bossy because she knows you're no longer emotionally interested in the relationship. She had another child before you and was probably hoping the relationship with you would last, particularly as you were willing to fully commit to marriage.

Could you not try relationship counselling with your wife?

If you end the marriage and go back to your first love, as you call her, things might be very different. She might not even be willing to leave her partner for you.

You are having an emotional affair with your ex and you're not being fair to your wife. Or to the child you had with her. If you do end the marriage without trying to make things work don't be surprised if your wife tries to prevent you from seeing your child. After all, that's what you married her for.