What is wrong with my mother?

ls91

I've had this problem with my mother ongoing for years now. I didn't grow up with her, she never wanted me or any of her other kids but we still lived in the same county so I'd see her intermittently growing up and we've stayed in contact over phone/facebook. But we've always had a turbulent relationship. I've noticed that its mostly one of her kids that gets in contact with her first, when I was a teen she would often change her number and hide in her house for 6 months at a time. She was sh**ty sometimes like one mother's day I told her I was calling up with a present and that day she wouldn't answer her phone and when I got to the house there was noone there, I rang her mother (my granny) and she said she had gone out for drinks with 2 neighbours and wouldn't be back til tomorrow.. She never drank and rarely went to pubs so this was surprising. She often got our birthday's wrong or didn't bother to call at all. As a test one time I decided I wouldn't be the first to contact her after one argument, and she didn't get in contact for almost a year.

Anyways that was then, this is now and the dynamic has changed. She is in contact often but it is in long looooong messages on facebook. But its the things she says, she will try to get you on her side about the latest family member she wants to attack or she says is trying to attack her. She is horrible about people, her brother won an award for a film thing he did recently and she just said she was disgusted that someone like him could win a film award and it should have been her basically. The family have had issues and there seems to be a lot of hidden secrets and very fake public fronts.. But her other brother and sister seem to be doing fine, mentally at least.

The other things she will regularly do in these long rants: attack people you know, tell you your good points then further on criticize you.. Exaggerate situations, talk about her day in detail not to keep you up to date but to keep you on her side about recent arguments she's had with people.. And eventually send abusive messages if you don't respond or if you don't respond in a way that suits her. She sends these rants not just to me but to my brother's principal, other family members, and basically anyone who crosses her. She is narcissistic and possibly has borderline personality disorder but there is no point talking about diagnosis'. She would never go to a psychiatrist and I doubt her family would be supportive- rather use it against her. I don't know if she can change.

My question is this- How do I have a relationship with this woman? She seems to go between hating me to wanting me in her life and giving really helpful and intuitive advice about life. She is extremely intelligent but just verrrry troubled. Awful things have happened to her in her life and she is a result of these things. And for that reason I no longer resent her as much as I did as a kid, but I don't know if it is possible to have a friendship with someone who finds it near impossible to love anyone and make their lives very difficult.


I know its very naive and idealistic, but I have this picture of saving her from all her problems and helping her start her life over. It is not possible , my own life is a mess. But that is my wish. She did apply for college and got in, with my help re.CAO forms but got sick and lost her house during the year because she thought she was getting a grant and didn't pay her rent for months and ended up not getting it. She had to drop out and it was just a disaster, she moved back in with her parents where she is now very unhappy and lots of new family dramas have arisen, some of them really awful. So ... see what happens when I try to help?? She is extremely unhappy in life, hers seems to be a series of chaotic and traumatizing events and she also had a long term illness which I think has made her angry and bitter. She has a tendency to hurt most people who get close to her which isn't very many now.

To anyone reading this who has had a somewhat stable family life please be careful in what you say, it is a delicate complex and confusing situation. Its not as easy as, A just don't stay in contact or B tell her to see a psychiatrist and that way you will have done something...

I have tried both of the above, it doesn't fix the relationship and hasn't helped her.


I don't know my head is just scrambled as you can probably tell from this very long (sorry!) and rambling post! If anyone can offer some insight or wisdom into the situation I would be v grateful, I've been keeping this in for too long!

Mozzeltoff

Hey OP

My father is a bit like this. He is very narcissistic and he wants things to go his way all the time. Constantly berating people. Finding fault in everything and picking fights and arguments for the sake of it. If a colleague of his at work got some sort of praise for something they did or something good happened, like they won something, he would start a massive rant on how he should be the one that's deserving it. My brother won a few awards from FAS a few years back, apprentice of the year or something like that. Instead of being the proud father he should have being, he got into an awful sulk and started roaring about how he should have being given some of the credit. He had made up his own twisted logic as to how he should be the one getting the praise!

He's constantly berating everyone. Finding fault with people and constantly makes himself out to be so much better than everyone else. He has a severe persecution complex however. If something went wrong he would suddenly become the victim and make himself out to be the one who's hurt. Then he guilts you into making you feel bad for him..it does wreck us!


My father is an only son, both his parents are dead so he's only got us, myself, my mom, my little sister and my brothers. He's a very intelligent man albeit a very strong headed, strong willed and stubborn one. He can fly off into these "moods" were everyone is the bad guy and he's the victim. He's hurt us a lot doing that and we've tried so many times to get him to go to seek some help but he won't dream of it and unfortunately my brothers have given up on him. When we were teenagers we were told he had depression but to be honest we all reckon it's something much more than that and reckon it could be Adult ADHD or BPD. We found out that he didn't have a great child hood and that he was treated rather badly. I do feel sorry for him but still, there's people a lot worse off than him again..

It's an awful thing to see someone like that and it's awfully hard to live and deal with them too. We've being trying to get my dad to see somebody but he can be quite unreasonable but we fight tooth and nail with him because we know he has mental health issues and he needs to face up to it. We can't force him to go get help but he knows in his heart and soul he needs it.

I think you're going to need to talk to your family OP because you really can't do this on your own. I know you said don't go down the diagnosis route but look, if there is an issue with her mental health I do think you are going to have to get her to talk about it at least or try make her see that there is an issue. Easier said than done, believe me I know! But you are going to need some help from your family. You said they could use her mental health issues against her. Well I honestly think you should talk to some of them at least and tell them that it's not on and that you really think there is a bigger issue on hand than her just being a narky so and so for the sake of it! Again make them see that there is an issue and maybe..just maybe they might help. You said awful things have happened her when she was younger and she's the product of them. That in itself warrants you guys to get her to see someone!

As for your relationship with her. Be patient with her. Again, I know how hard it is but seriously there's little else I can tell you to do. Also be understanding..bear it in your mind why she's like this and just keep telling yourself that it's just the nasty side and that the good side is in her. Op I really do know how difficult it is, all this isn't going to be any bit easy. 26 years I have being putting up with my dads problems. I moved a hundred or so miles away, leading my own life but he still affects me. You just have to develop a thick skin to it and just be as patient and as understanding as you can be with her..

I am not sure if this is much help to you but look OP all I can do is share with you..I really hope things do work out for you and I really do hope she gets the help she needs eventually.

boomchicawawa

Hi, I'm glad you put this down in words, hopefully that let some of your pent up stress out. I can't say I know what you're going through, my childhood and relationship with my surviving parent has always been harmonious. But, you know just because she is your biological mother doesn't mean you own her your loyalty and support. You have already said she was nowhere to be seen and actively avoided your company over the years. I understand she had issues, but I think the most obvious thing that comes out of your post is that despite her indifference to her children, you have come through all of this with a caring and kind soul. You should be really proud of yourself, a lot of kids would be so damaged by the rejection that you received instead you are thinking of her well being. .

There is the old saying that you don's choose your family, and in this case its very true, she is your mother, you want to help, but you know some people just don't appreciate the help you give and you will have to make the decision some day that you would have to cut the mental string that she has attached to you if you want to survive yourself. She has the ability to drag you down, she seems manipulative and may turn on you too.


At the moment it seems you would feel better trying to fix her, and you have tried and its failed but not because of you. Yes she needs professional help, but you know I think you do also. You need to talk to someone who you can give all the facts to and they will probably make you see things in a way you never considered before. YOU are the most important person in this story, start thinking about yourself instead of putting her needs first.

I wish you all the luck in the world !

artwellington

Dear Is91,
First of all well done on writing a really well written post. I note that you suggested that it was rambling but it wasn't. I also hope that you found that writing of it therapeutic - in difficult situations committing thoughts to paper no matter how disjointed they seem is a useful act. You might even consider rereading it a few times and approaching it from the point of view of a perfect stranger. Ultimately I feel you have the answer yourself but are unkeen to embrace it just yet out of a fear of upsetting your mother and misguided loyalty.

In your post you mention that you didn't grow up with this woman. You also mention that she pushes you away at times and cited the mothers day incident. You also report how you tried to help her get set up in college only for it to go pear shaped. Most importantly you admit that your own life is a mess, yet state that you have a picture saving her from her problems. However it sounds like she has lots of issues and you've even mentioned borderline traits - I think you are right.

My grandfather always cautioned me that it takes a great man to mind his own business. You are clearly a really decent, good, courageous and kind person. You have already tried lots to establish a reasonable relationship with your mother. You are clearly been agonizing in writing the post. However, I don't think that any intervention you give will alter your mum. I think you realize this as well. My limited advise is that you look after your own difficulties - you'll get there and do fantastic in the end since you're stronger than you can imagine. You can't take on your mothers problems but through moving forward yourself and living your own life you can at the very least inspire her.
BW
Artwellington

Mayboy

Hiya,

That sounds hard. My suggestion is that trying mindfulness meditation might help - it won't change the situation but will help in your reaction to it. Remember you are not responsible for your mothers behavior - you can only manage your own. Maybe the mindfulness will help -it did for me. Best of luck.