Walk away or try to salvage friendship?

OldNotWIse

My friend and I grew up together. For years, everything was perfect. We met at the grand old age of 3. Lived next door to each other for ten years. Same school. Parents best friends. Big family holidays all together. We seemed to share everything. She was the sister I never had. Most of my childhood memories have her in them. I still have little notes we wrote together as kids saying what we wanted to do when we grew up (little did I know we'd just get older but not grow up lol). I'm godmother to her son. Everything was perfect until a few years ago when she met a super controlling partner, as did I. Neither partners got on and we ended up falling out and not speaking for a year. Eventually we got through it and came out the other side, and partners are long gone, but things have never been the same.

She never has time for me anymore. When we do eventually go out, she will only have a glass of cordial or something (nothing wrong with not drinking if you've the car but I know she likes a drink and she wont bus or taxi it like the rest of us). She will always knock off around half nine or ten, saying her parking is up and then she'll leave...and we wont see her again for another 6 or 7 weeks. Last time I purposely didnt call/text just to see how long it would take her to get in touch....three months! It's as if she is just throwing me a scrap of time, and doesnt even want to be there - you can sense these things.

It's not that we are fighting or either one of us is angry with the other, I just think that we have completely different lives now and she has no time for me anymore. Is it worth one final stab and sitting down to say all this to her? I feel like a pleb as it is, always running after her and part of me thinks there is no point - things change, times passes, people outgrow each other.

At my birthday last year, she turned up late for one drink and told me my present was in the car but she was too lazy to get it. Never saw said present again...
Oh and she's getting married next year but no friends are being invited to the wedding - kinda hurts too!

ABajaninCork

I think you know what I'm going to say...

As much as you may not want to admit it, this friendship's run it's course. Over. Finished. Kaput. Your friend really can't make it any clearer, I'm afraid. If you give it one more go, you'll end up resenting each other, as it just won't work.

And yes, you're right. Things change, time passes, other people and other things take priority. That's life.

It hurts, I know. We've all been there. Give yourself time to grieve over the end of your friendship, but you need to move on.

Merkin

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I just think that we have completely different lives now and she has no time for me anymore. Is it worth one final stab and sitting down to say all this to her? I feel like a pleb as it is, always running after her and part of me thinks there is no point - things change, times passes, people outgrow each other.

I think you've just grown apart. This happens. Having a lifelong friend from babyhood is a rare thing. I wouldn't go making any big declarations about severing ties or not being friends anymore. Just stop making an effort and realise that people grow apart as their lives evolve, I wouldn't take it personally.

ls91

It doesn't have to be that dramatic, I agree with Merkin. Sometimes friendships go on a hiatus as people are in different stages of their lives. See it as a time to grow other/new friendships, and maybe in time it could be a few years, you will find common ground again. There are different reasons for friendships coming apart maybe its a time for self reflection? I don't know these are just thoughts that are coming to mind.

OldNotWIse

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I think you know what I'm going to say...

As much as you may not want to admit it, this friendship's run it's course. Over. Finished. Kaput. Your friend really can't make it any clearer, I'm afraid. If you give it one more go, you'll end up resenting each other, as it just won't work.

And yes, you're right. Things change, time passes, other people and other things take priority. That's life.

It hurts, I know. We've all been there. Give yourself time to grieve over the end of your friendship, but you need to move on.

Yeah I think you're right. I feel like I should be sad but I weirdly dont feel anything - I guess that's a sign in itself

LegacyUser

maybe i'm misreading your op but you seem upset that she doesn't go out drinking or that when she does she goes home early. how do you know she can AFFORD to go out and not drive home/have a cordial? do you know if she's on medication that might not mix with alcohol? do you ever invite her do to other things? maybe she couldn't afford a present and was mortified so made up that story? maybe she just forgot? there's only one side of the story here and you know the friendship better than anyone on here will, but i'm just trying to give you a different perspective.

as i've gotten older the idea of spending a night out in a pub spending loads of money has worn off completely, besides the fact i can't afford it, i just find myself enjoying other things more. when i do see friends it wouldn't be more often than every few weeks but there's more to our friendship than just going to the pub.

missjm

Agree with the others, the friendship has run it's course.
Apart from that, reading between the lines she's having financial problems or being very careful. Giver her a break like. If she doesn't want to fork out for a taxi and brings the car, then so what. She left a controlling partner, she doesn't need anyone else trying to control her.

OldNotWIse

voiceofreasonhere wrote: »

maybe i'm misreading your op but you seem upset that she doesn't go out drinking or that when she does she goes home early. how do you know she can AFFORD to go out and not drive home/have a cordial? do you know if she's on medication that might not mix with alcohol? do you ever invite her do to other things? maybe she couldn't afford a present and was mortified so made up that story? maybe she just forgot? there's only one side of the story here and you know the friendship better than anyone on here will, but i'm just trying to give you a different perspective.

as i've gotten older the idea of spending a night out in a pub spending loads of money has worn off completely, besides the fact i can't afford it, i just find myself enjoying other things more. when i do see friends it wouldn't be more often than every few weeks but there's more to our friendship than just going to the pub.

I appreciate the different perspective but I'm as sure as anyone can be that its not a money issue. She gets everything handed to her actually, and has always been quite tight. The kid who went to the shop with Dad's twenty euro to buy milk, and thought it was great that he forgot to ask for his change back. If she didnt want to go to the pub she would be free to suggest alternatives but she doesnt. In fact I also noticed that when she cant make something, she wont offer an alternative. You know how you'd say, "oh fridays not good for me, what about next week? Or will i give you a buzz and we can organise something for a week or two?" No, its just "oh fridays not good for me..." I mean, I think we can pick up pretty well when someone is just making time for us under sufferance. We have a mutual friend (of ten years) and he's a really quiet, understanding chap (not like me at all lol) and even he said to me a while ago, "you know, I'd nearly prefer if she didnt come out with us, than come out and make us feel like she's doing us a favour"

We dont spend all our time in the pub, especially now as we're working full time and I've college a couple of nights a week, but I'd often have a bit of food thrown together at mine and I think she's been at my house once.

Thing is, I know from her fb and that that she goes away on girly weekends with other friends so she seems to be able to make time for those she wants.

OldNotWIse

missjm wrote: »

Agree with the others, the friendship has run it's course.
Apart from that, reading between the lines she's having financial problems or being very careful. Giver her a break like. If she doesn't want to fork out for a taxi and brings the car, then so what. She left a controlling partner, she doesn't need anyone else trying to control her.

We both left controlling partners.

I'm not trying to control her, I'm just trying to figure out if there's any point flogging a dead horse

December2012

I think you should talk to her. If you've been friends for so long you should be able to have the conversation

OldNotWIse

December2012 wrote: »

I think you should talk to her. If you've been friends for so long you should be able to have the conversation

Yeah maybe I should? I mean, I know it wont go back to the way it was and I dont want to be stuck in the past and all that, but I suppose 25 years is a long time and at least then I could say well I really tried.

magoko101

I'm going to suggest something different here....
the friendship may not have run it's course.... as the saying often goes... you know your friends when you need them.
The socialising/banter may have run it's course... but friendships can stay healthy with minimal enough contact.

You will always share the memories of your youth together and are likely to share good memories again in the future.... but most probably very rare.

LegacyUser

given your follow up post there maybe the friendship has run its course, but i think you should talk to her. not in any accusatory way but in a softly softly way just to check in and see if she's ok and that you'd love a catch up.

i've lived in a lot of different places and situations and had many different 'friend dynamics' over the years and friendships can run out of steam for so many different reasons. it's sad when it's a friendship you'd rather continue with but the other person has moved on. the only way i think you'll put your mind at ease is have a chat with her.

and please don't take this the wrong way, but you said earlier you're not trying to control her, well my initial reaction from your op was that you came across as a bit controlling. as in you seemed to be more concerned with the fact this girl wasn't doing what YOU wanted her to do, (re taxis, not drinking etc). that's why i would say tread softly. again, i mean no offence. i relalise it's hard to convey tone in text! best of luck with it, and i hope it works out for the two of ye. x

OldNotWIse

voiceofreasonhere wrote: »

given your follow up post there maybe the friendship has run its course, but i think you should talk to her. not in any accusatory way but in a softly softly way just to check in and see if she's ok and that you'd love a catch up.

i've lived in a lot of different places and situations and had many different 'friend dynamics' over the years and friendships can run out of steam for so many different reasons. it's sad when it's a friendship you'd rather continue with but the other person has moved on. the only way i think you'll put your mind at ease is have a chat with her.

and please don't take this the wrong way, but you said earlier you're not trying to control her, well my initial reaction from your op was that you came across as a bit controlling. as in you seemed to be more concerned with the fact this girl wasn't doing what YOU wanted her to do, (re taxis, not drinking etc). that's why i would say tread softly. again, i mean no offence. i relalise it's hard to convey tone in text! best of luck with it, and i hope it works out for the two of ye. x

No, none taken It's not so much about her doing what we want, its just the feeling that her time is more valuable than ours and she is throwing us bits of her time like scraps to a dog tbh, it's over two years since I was invited past her front door. I'd be afraid to say anything in case I destroy whatever thread was left, but I guess I could word it in such a way as to not be confrontational (though thats not really my forte!)

OldNotWIse

There may be hope yet. Weirdly I just got a text from her (she's on holiday in a place we used to go) saying that she was there and she misses me and its not the same without me! So I thought feck it I'm gonna seize the moment. I replied saying I was actually really happy to hear from her, that id been a bit sad the last few days thinking that we dont see each other so much and fear we might drfit apart. The last thing I want to do is pressure her but I figure honesty is probably the only thing that will work now.

LegacyUser

OldNotWIse wrote: »

There may be hope yet. Weirdly I just got a text from her (she's on holiday in a place we used to go) saying that she was there and she misses me and its not the same without me! So I thought feck it I'm gonna seize the moment. I replied saying I was actually really happy to hear from her, that id been a bit sad the last few days thinking that we dont see each other so much and fear we might drfit apart. The last thing I want to do is pressure her but I figure honesty is probably the only thing that will work now.

Thats nice OP. Im in a pretty similar situation with a friend Ive known since starting secondary school. Id be waiting a long time for a text like that from him though! Good luck and hope you can rescue it.