Saw racist incident and did nothing

Sesudra

So, I was in the bank earlier this week. I was in the queue, and a Polish woman was top of the queue and moved aside to fill out a slip, then moved back to the top. The guy and old lady behind her started giving her loads, saying she’d skipped, she said she hadn't, she'd just filled out a slip. Eventually the guy said “Go on then. F**king foreigners, slipping in everywhere”. She turned around and said “Excuse me?” and he goes, real aggressive, “You heard me. F**king foreigners”. She said nothing, and finished her transaction and left.

I wanted to say something, but this guy looked like a total head case. No one in the bank said anything to him - no one in the queue, the people behind the counter, no one. I know it was only a small thing but I was worried if I'd said anything, he'd have lost the head, he looked the type. I like to think of myself as a good person but since this happened, I feel like such a coward, that woman had to listen to that and then have a bank full of people do nothing. I know I didn't do the right thing, and I can't stop thinking about it. How do I stop thinking about it?

judgefudge

I think a lot of people would react the same, if that helps. If not out of fear, out of shock. You're not responsible for the way that man acted and how he made her feel. Sure you could have said something but it may have just caused a bigger scene.

It may seem like the right thing to do to jump in to her defence but in reality people often act differently when put on the spot.

Just don't give yourself such a hard time. There's no point.

The Bishop Basher

It's difficult sometimes in the heat of the moment to make the right call and I think we have all found ourselves in a position where we wished we'd done more after the fact.

There's absolutley no point beating yourself up about it. The fact that you care shows you're a good person. Just learn from the experience and commit to acting next time. Given how you feel now, I have no doubt that you will.

yaya*

Something similar happened to me years ago and I reacted as you did-did nothing at the time and beat myself up over it for ages afterwards. Finally came to realisation that it was in the past and all I had control over was the future, so I have committed myself to acting the next time I'm in an incident like that-minor things have happened since and I've acted. That's all you can do op.

LittleBook

Sesudra wrote: »

this guy looked like a total head case

I wouldn't confront a guy like this if he was racist, sexist, classist, ageist ... he's clearly a mentalist.

The only thing I would have tried to do in this situation, if possible, is try to get some sympathy across to the poor woman but I know you were in a queue so that wouldn't have been practical.

I was in a queue in Dunnes yesterday and a man (clearly drunk, a bit beaten up, very aggressive) roared at the young (Irish) guy on the till to "get a fúcking move on" ... apparently he wasn't throwing the preceding person's shopping through quick enough. No-one said anything, including me, but I gave the young guy a sympathetic look which I think he appreciated.

Don't worry about in terms of yourself and just hope that she understood that she was dealing with an absolute nutter and gets some consolation from that.

Merkin

Hindsight is 20/20 and oftentimes it's very easy to look at a situation retrospectively and say to oneself that "I should have done this, or should have done that". You witnessed an incident which shocked you and I am sure it was a case of being shocked and not knowing what to say.

Incidentally, it is often better not to say anything. While you're moral code tells you that you should have defended the woman, it could actually have precipitated an altogether nastier incident where he may have gotten more violent or aggressive towards this other woman or indeed you.

Some people are just **** and there is nothing you can do about it. Let it go and don't feel bad, there's really nothing you could have done.

LegacyUser

With all due respect, OP, what you describe was not "racist".

This incident was a case of xenophobia (abuse based on her nationality), which is not the same thing.

The overuse and misuse of the term "racist" does not help those who are the genuine victims of racism.

And, OP, to quote Edmund Burke, "All it take for evil to prevail is for a good man to do nothing!"

Next time, speak up and put the clown back in his place. From his experience, as you described, he now has licence to repeat it the next time he feels fit.

ShaShaBear

I have come across these people so many times, and I can assure you that most likely had the old woman been in the polish lady's place, he would have ranted about elderly people getting in first, if it had of been a young Irish woman, he would have ranted about the fact that it was a woman. People like that will always find something to rant about. In my opinion, if anyone were obliged to take steps it would be staff in the banks.

mygoat

I've seen some very interesting documentaries about bullying, showing how important it is to get involved and say something when we see somebody being treated badly. You have the sensitivity to know that it was the right thing to do or say something, and you're feeling bad that you haven't reacted, but what's done is done so be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up over it anymore.

It's really hard to know what to say, and whom to say it to, when we get caught by surprise like that. As you said, this man could have been dangerous, so perhaps confronting him directly wasn't the right thing to do after all. Perhaps saying "Take no notice, I saw you were in the queue" to the woman being shouted at would have done the job. I really don't think many of us would have the guts to react, or even know how to react, as much as we'd want to.

I think you are a wonderful human being for feeling bad about not standing up in someone's defense, but I also think it's time for you to move on and forgive yourself I think yaya*'s advice was excellent - the kindest thing you can do now is to figure out what you're gonna do if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, and then put the incident behind you.

tatli_lokma

I agree with others, the fact it is eating you up speaks volumes about the decent sort of person you are.

Personally I think the bank staff have more of a case to answer. They allowed one customer to abuse another. It wouldn't have taken much for one of them to alert a manager or told him 'Sir I would ask you not to speak to other customers in that manner or I will have to ask you to leave'. I am sure if it was a member of staff if spoke to rudely and aggressively they would have spoken up.

What's done is done, but by not acting the bank staff actually allowed 2 people and possibly more to be offended. I am sure (hope) you were not the only one to be offended by this. If it were me, next time I'm in the bank I would have a word with the manager and express my disappointment and politely suggest that if such an incident occurs again perhaps more action could be taken. I'm not for one minute suggesting that a staff member put themselves in danger, but at the same time allowing a customer to abuse and be aggressive to other customers is not on. Security at least should have been called.

ibarelycare

OP I know it's difficult to stop thinking about it, something like that would play on my mind for a long time, and has done in the past. I was in a similar situation before, although one that went on for months. In a previous job I used to have to go to the post office once a week, so would be queuing in the morning before it opened. There was a group of "regulars" there to collect their social welfare/pension (mainly OAPs but some younger ones as well) who would make comments about any black person who drove into the car park or stood in the queue. They weren't quiet about it either. It genuinely made me so upset and mortified, they would make comments about someone who was only standing a couple of people away in the queue and who could clearly hear. I would often catch eye contact with the person/people they were talking about and would smile sympathetically and shake my head, and I would mostly get a grateful smile and nod back from them. But it was very sad. One day a black woman joined the queue and one of the worst culprits of the "regulars" just stared her up and down and wouldn't look away. The black woman started saying loudly to her "What? Do I smell? What are you looking at?" Everyone just looked away embarrassed, including the starer. I was shaking my head in disbelief and the black woman saw me and, bless her, I think she thought I was shaking my head at her outburst and she said "I'm sorry, but she's sick, she does that all the time" and I said "I know, don't worry".

I played those incidents over and over in my head constantly, and decided the next time something happened I wasn't going to let it lie. The following week, the same crap again from that group, making loud comments to each other about "them". When I was being served I saw that the loudest one of the group, a man in his 50s, was being served beside me. I finished first and waited outside the door for him. Honestly, I'm not particularly proud of this, it's something that just came out on the spur of the moment, but when he came out I said "Next time you're being a racist prick, maybe try keeping your voice down". He kept walking and mumbled "I'm not a racist". For good measure I shouted after him that he was an asshole A few people were standing around and heard. I possibly should have been mortified but I wasn't. I was shaking, but I was glad to have said something, even if I didn't go about it in the best way! That was one of the last weeks of that job though, so who knows if anything changed, but I know I'd always have regretted not calling at least one of them out on it.

Anyway sorry for the rambling essay! I guess my point is, say something if you feel confident to do it. Maybe in a more calm way than I did But I think the absolute best thing you can do in a situation like that is a sympathetic smile or a kind word to the person who is the victim of the abuse. I'm sure they will appreciate it.

magoko101

Dream answer.... challenge him on it and go all Bruce Lee when he reacted

Reality.... apologise to the lady for his comments and ask is she ok (possibly loud enough for mentalist to hear depending on his size)

Daisy78

I was in a similar situation before, although one that went on for months. In a previous job I used to have to go to the post office once a week, so would be queuing in the morning before it opened. There was a group of "regulars" there to collect their social welfare/pension (mainly OAPs but some younger ones as well) who would make comments about any black person who drove into the car park or stood in the queue. They weren't quiet about it either. It genuinely made me so upset and mortified, they would make comments about someone who was only standing a couple of people away in the queue and who could clearly hear. I would often catch eye contact with the person/people they were talking about and would smile sympathetically and shake my head, and I would mostly get a grateful smile and nod back from them. But it was very sad. One day a black woman joined the queue and one of the worst culprits of the "regulars" just stared her up and down and wouldn't look away. The black woman started saying loudly to her "What? Do I smell? What are you looking at?" Everyone just looked away embarrassed, including the starer. I was shaking my head in disbelief and the black woman saw me and, bless her, I think she thought I was shaking my head at her outburst and she said "I'm sorry, but she's sick, she does that all the time" and I said "I know, don't worry".

I played those incidents over and over in my head constantly, and decided the next time something happened I wasn't going to let it lie. The following week, the same crap again from that group, making loud comments to each other about "them". When I was being served I saw that the loudest one of the group, a man in his 50s, was being served beside me. I finished first and waited outside the door for him. Honestly, I'm not particularly proud of this, it's something that just came out on the spur of the moment, but when he came out I said "Next time you're being a racist prick, maybe try keeping your voice down". He kept walking and mumbled "I'm not a racist". For good measure I shouted after him that he was an asshole A few people were standing around and heard. I possibly should have been mortified but I wasn't. I was shaking, but I was glad to have said something, even if I didn't go about it in the best way! That was one of the last weeks of that job though, so who knows if anything changed, but I know I'd always have regretted not calling at least one of them out on it.





Fair play...if only there more people like maybe scum like this would think twice about spreading their bile.

Paddy Cow

bananaRep12 wrote: »

With all due respect, OP, what you describe was not "racist".

This incident was a case of xenophobia (abuse based on her nationality), which is not the same thing.

The overuse and misuse of the term "racist" does not help those who are the genuine victims of racism.

And, OP, to quote Edmund Burke, "All it take for evil to prevail is for a good man to do nothing!"

Next time, speak up and put the clown back in his place. From his experience, as you described, he now has licence to repeat it the next time he feels fit.

While I agree with the sentiment of your post, the fact that you went un-reg for this and didn't have the confidence and assertiveness to post under your usual username shows that even from behind the comfort and safety of a computer, people are not as brave as they seem. In a real life situation it is even harder to stand up for the greater good, when it's your personal safety and not just an internet profile that's at stake.

If you are indeed a guest and not an un-reg, then please accept my apologies.

feargale

Once late at night I queued at that petrol station near Merchant's Quay church, in front of Oliver Bond flats. From behind me I heard a female in a very local accent say " f--g Paki, " a clear reference to the guy serving. I turned to her and said " he's just a human being like you and me." She replied " Yeah but he's so slow." For the remainder of my queueing time I was treated to slurred remarks by her male companion which I mostly couldn't understand, but clearly he wasn't wishing me a Happy Christmas. I did my business at the hatch and the gent who served me and I exchanged pleasantries. She then went to the hatch, said "twenty players" and got them without a please or thank you. What struck me most was that the guy at the hatch was probably working there since early morning, while the two customers had the appearance of druggies who never worked a day.
A race of vulgar, selfish untermenschen is emerging in the country, and the powers that be don't give a s--t. For one thing, they have votes. We have swung from one extreme to another.

feargale

Many years ago a US ambassador to Ireland was about to end his tour of duty. His wife, when asked what she disliked most about Ireland, replied that there was no sense of outrage here. People don't behave as badly in most countries, partly because it wouldn't be tolerated, but also because they are raised with some standards.

mikemac1

This goes on all the time.

Just last week an OAP on the bus was shouting that I was freeloading off welfare as I had a bus pass :pac:
Yeah, I paid 1,315 for this taxsaver ticket and you don't even work


Stop beating yourself up OP. And I don't think this case had anything to do with nationality.
The guy felt she skipped the queue and so he abused her. If she was as Irish as can be she still would have gotten abuse but she would have been called ugly, fat, a slob or some other label.
She was a non national so the man picked that.

You can step in next time and you may be glad you did or you can inform the porter who can deal with it. The porter will have seen everything before and nothing will faze him

LegacyUser

feargale wrote: »

Once late at night I queued at that petrol station near Merchant's Quay church, in front of Oliver Bond flats. From behind me I heard a female in a very local accent say " f--g Paki, " a clear reference to the guy serving. I turned to her and said " he's just a human being like you and me." She replied " Yeah but he's so slow." For the remainder of my queueing time I was treated to slurred remarks by her male companion which I mostly couldn't understand, but clearly he wasn't wishing me a Happy Christmas. I did my business at the hatch and the gent who served me and I exchanged pleasantries. She then went to the hatch, said "twenty players" and got them without a please or thank you. What struck me most was that the guy at the hatch was probably working there since early morning, while the two customers had the appearance of druggies who never worked a day.
A race of vulgar, selfish untermenschen is emerging in the country, and the powers that be don't give a s--t. For one thing, they have votes. We have swung from one extreme to another.

I agree they sound like aholes, but look at what you've written, "appearance of druggies who never worked a day", that in itself is discrimination or casting a stereotype, which is a bit hypocritical, as is the OPs comment, about "Oh he looked the type", what's the "type". Sorry i'm not condoning either situation, that poor woman in the bank shouldn't have been treated like that, but you can't condone one form of discrimination then give out about another.

feargale

Discriminot wrote: »

I agree they sound like aholes, but look at what you've written, "appearance of druggies who never worked a day", that in itself is discrimination or casting a stereotype, which is a bit hypocritical, as is the OPs comment, about "Oh he looked the type", what's the "type". Sorry i'm not condoning either situation, that poor woman in the bank shouldn't have been treated like that, but you can't condone one form of discrimination then give out about another.

You have just put your finger on the root of the problem. We mustn't say boo to an abusive drug addict or somebody who is allergic to work but we must put up with any kind of abuse from such. The hypocrisy lay with the yobs who were clearly not sober and not after a day's work excoriating a hard-working immigrant from South Asia who couldn't supply their nicotine fix fast enough. I was well aware of the reaction my comment might elicit from certain quarters. Yes, there are people unemployed through no fault of theirs, rather because of economic policies that were pursued. Yes, there are people who were lured into a lifestyle of drugs, and who are addressing it. There are others who aint worth a dime, and if you have yet to meet them you still have some living to do.

Emme

You can still do something. Report the incident to the bank head office as it is a security issue. It is not up to individual customers to caution other customers for antisocial behavior. That is the responsibility of security and it would appear that security is lax in this bank.

alyssum

Sesudra wrote: »

So, I was in the bank earlier this week. I was in the queue, and a Polish woman was top of the queue and moved aside to fill out a slip, then moved back to the top. The guy and old lady behind her started giving her loads, saying she’d skipped, she said she hadn't, she'd just filled out a slip. Eventually the guy said “Go on then. F**king foreigners, slipping in everywhere”. She turned around and said “Excuse me?” and he goes, real aggressive, “You heard me. F**king foreigners”. She said nothing, and finished her transaction and left.

I wanted to say something, but this guy looked like a total head case. No one in the bank said anything to him - no one in the queue, the people behind the counter, no one. I know it was only a small thing but I was worried if I'd said anything, he'd have lost the head, he looked the type. I like to think of myself as a good person but since this happened, I feel like such a coward, that woman had to listen to that and then have a bank full of people do nothing. I know I didn't do the right thing, and I can't stop thinking about it. How do I stop thinking about it?

you could still complain he is prob on cctv