Obsessed when I like someone

LegacyUser

Is there anyone like me and when they meet someone new that they fancy they just get obsessed with them! I hate myself for it. When I'm single I'm carefree and don't stress. I have hobbies and friends so I don't know why I obsess over them. Checking their Facebook, will they text back, do they like me at all. I so have insecurity and I've gone to counselling. I'd like advice from anyone that's like this. I know people will say go back to counselling but I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there who has an obsessive personality like me. Thanks.

maria34

Hey,

Yes im the same. Somebody here told me to read " women who love too much" by robin norwood. Im reading and understanding why and how. Makes you understand, but doesnt cure properly ofcourse.

LegacyUser

op here again - another point is when i sent a message on facebook, he replied and asked me a question, i replied but didnt ask anything back, he was online since and didnt ask anything more. I guess if he tried to kiss me and i avoided it and he invited me to something and i didnt go he's prob under the impression i dont like him - so its my own fault for this situation im in now!

maria34

Is that only this 1 facebook message? Why u dont ask him how he is doing? Or better text on the phone?

LegacyUser

We exchanged a few messages on Facebook today. I think he likes me, I honostly don't know. I suppose if he tried to kiss me and invited me someplace it looks like he does. Who knows what guys think

LegacyUser

OP I used to be like this. I realised that it wasn't even really that I was obsessed per se, but it was the not knowing that used to drive me mad. What has helped me is being more gutsy and proactive. It's just basic things like if I'm texting a guy and if I'm unsure he is really interested I'll text him and ask him on a date. Now sometimes I'm dissapointed and he'll say no, but sometimes they say yes and I know where I stand and that obsessive feeling goes away. I think it's about lack of control or power really. Not to get all hardcore feminist (cos I'm not like that at all) but if you're always passively waiting around for guys to make the first move all the time or show interest it gives them all the power so of course you'll feel like you don't know where you stand and that lack of control and just plain old not knowing leaves you feeling "obsessed" with wondering why and over analysing.

You have to put yourself out there and be a bit bold sometimes. Sometimes men are shy or just as unsure as you are, you'll never get any answers if you don't ask. You'll just be left wondering. At least if you ask you'll know where you stand one way or the other.

Just my 2 cents but it's certainly changed my attitude towards men/dating.

LegacyUser

usedtobethesame wrote: »

OP I used to be like this. I realised that it wasn't even really that I was obsessed per se, but it was the not knowing that used to drive me mad. What has helped me is being more gutsy and proactive. It's just basic things like if I'm texting a guy and if I'm unsure he is really interested I'll text him and ask him on a date. Now sometimes I'm dissapointed and he'll say no, but sometimes they say yes and I know where I stand and that obsessive feeling goes away. I think it's about lack of control or power really. Not to get all hardcore feminist (cos I'm not like that at all) but if you're always passively waiting around for guys to make the first move all the time or show interest it gives them all the power so of course you'll feel like you don't know where you stand and that lack of control and just plain old not knowing leaves you feeling "obsessed" with wondering why and over analysing.

You have to put yourself out there and be a bit bold sometimes. Sometimes men are shy or just as unsure as you are, you'll never get any answers if you don't ask. You'll just be left wondering. At least if you ask you'll know where you stand one way or the other.

Just my 2 cents but it's certainly changed my attitude towards men/dating.

I used to think there was nothing wrong with asking the guy out but from my experience in the past it always scares them and they run away. I know it's horrible just waiting but I don't want to rush things and act all serious. I barely know him so if I asked him out he'd be like WTF and run, from my past experience. I've learned most men like it the old fashioned way I'm afraid il just have to forget about it and if he tries to kiss me again then il kiss him back. I've 'calmed' down a wee bit now anyways and feel more relaxed about it. If I continue the way I am il drive him away and I don't want that

astonaidan

Op here again wrote: »

I used to think there was nothing wrong with asking the guy out but from my experience in the past it always scares them and they run away. I know it's horrible just waiting but I don't want to rush things and act all serious. I barely know him so if I asked him out he'd be like WTF and run, from my past experience. I've learned most men like it the old fashioned way I'm afraid il just have to forget about it and if he tries to kiss me again then il kiss him back. I've 'calmed' down a wee bit now anyways and feel more relaxed about it. If I continue the way I am il drive him away and I don't want that

Im a guy and I dont run away when a girl asks me out, its 2013 not 1945.

LegacyUser

astonaidan wrote: »

Im a guy and I dont run away when a girl asks me out, its 2013 not 1945.

You must be the exception. Most irish guys run

LegacyUser

You sound quite young op, can't say I've ever had a guy run because I asked him out but perhaps by late twenties most men have grown out of such childish sexist notions. regardless, you have to remember if he does "run" it's not because you've asked him out, its most likely because his feelings for you were lukewarm to begin with and he bails because he "just isn't in to you" (to use the old cliche) ... while it might be easier to believe it was because you asked him out, realistically if a guy really liked you he'd jump at the chance of a date.

I think perhaps you should examine your self esteem a bit op, maybe talking to your counsellor about this might not be a bad idea, constantly worrying how men will view your actions, and changing your behavior in order to "not drive a guy away" is incredibly unhealthy and quite damaging in the long run. In a healthy loving relationship both partners are equal, what about your needs? instead of trying to bend to these guys, why not question if they are treating you the way you should be treated? if they aren't why would you even want to be with them?

Diluting your personality to get a guy is a dangerous thing op, you'll just end up getting used imho.

Honey-ec

Ophere wrote: »

You must be the exception. Most irish guys run

No, they don't. I've asked plenty of guys out in my time and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.

This might sounds harsh, but I think it's very possible that you've already got yourself a reputation for being obsessive and posessive in relationships, and this is why men are turning you down.

I've never read it myself, but I've seen the book "Women Who Love Too Much" recommended several times to people who find themselves in your position. Might be worth checking out?

LegacyUser

Honey-ec wrote: »

No, they don't. I've asked plenty of guys out in my time and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.

This might sounds harsh, but I think it's very possible that you've already got yourself a reputation for being obsessive and posessive in relationships, and this is why men are turning you down.

I've never read it myself, but I've seen the book "Women Who Love Too Much" recommended several times to people who find themselves in your position. Might be worth checking out?

I couldn't possibly have a reputation as I don't live I'm a small village. Also, I've only ever had 2 boyfriends.

strobe

Ophere wrote: »

You must be the exception. Most irish guys run

Only when they don't particilarly like you.

But at least then you'll know that instead of waiting around wondering.

LegacyUser

Ok so I went against my own advice and basically told him last night I liked him - this waiting around was annoying me. Im waiting for a reply! So either he will jump towards me or away, i predict away. And if he runs away then I will at least know he was only interested in one thing when he tried to kiss me.

LegacyUser

so he didnt try to kiss me and he likes someone else anyways! Jeez I got that wrong!

ibarelycare

op here again wrote: »

so he didnt try to kiss me and he likes someone else anyways! Jeez I got that wrong!

Well at least now you know! Put it behind you and move on

LegacyUser

another thing he said is his friend likes me and he couldn't do that to him by getting with me! An excuse I know but it annoys me that just because his friend likes me he has a 'claim' over me. The friend sent me a FB request recently which I ignored as he freaks me out a bit! Such childish stuff - he likes you - I like him - He likes her - Jeez - think Im still in national school. so the friend likes me and i dont like him, the guy i like likes someone else and doesnt like me, the girl he likes - hes afraid to tell her ( I encouraged him to tell her as he likes her with ages and is afraid to tell her ) When its down on paper its childish stuff. Im well out of it

astonaidan

op here again wrote: »

another thing he said is his friend likes me and he couldn't do that to him by getting with me! An excuse I know but it annoys me that just because his friend likes me he has a 'claim' over me. The friend sent me a FB request recently which I ignored as he freaks me out a bit! Such childish stuff - he likes you - I like him - He likes her - Jeez - think Im still in national school. so the friend likes me and i dont like him, the guy i like likes someone else and doesnt like me, the girl he likes - hes afraid to tell her ( I encouraged him to tell her as he likes her with ages and is afraid to tell her ) When its down on paper its childish stuff. Im well out of it

I really hate the friend likes X person so I cant make a move on them, in our group of friends there is one lad who falls in love with every girl he speaks to more than once and wont talk to us if we flirt or hook up with them.
Basically means any girl in our home town are off limits, which would be ok but he then fell in love with one of the girls one of the lads were going out with and stopped talking to him when he dumped her :mad:
GOD I HATE THAT RULE!!!!

Forever Hopeful

op here again wrote: »

another thing he said is his friend likes me and he couldn't do that to him by getting with me! An excuse I know but it annoys me that just because his friend likes me he has a 'claim' over me. The friend sent me a FB request recently which I ignored as he freaks me out a bit! Such childish stuff - he likes you - I like him - He likes her - Jeez - think Im still in national school. so the friend likes me and i dont like him, the guy i like likes someone else and doesnt like me, the girl he likes - hes afraid to tell her ( I encouraged him to tell her as he likes her with ages and is afraid to tell her ) When its down on paper its childish stuff. Im well out of it

Op,but the bolded bit jumped out at me. Why does the friend who likes you freak you out? I *think* it may be because of the same reasons I had when I was younger. I used to think there was something weird about guys who were interested in me but was obsessed with guys who I liked but wasn't sure of they liked me. The guy who is freaking you out might be exhibiting the same (or even to a lesser extent) behaviour as you when you like someone?
I could be wrong - its just a thought.

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Op,but the bolded bit jumped out at me. Why does the friend who likes you freak you out? I *think* it may be because of the same reasons I had when I was younger. I used to think there was something weird about guys who were interested in me but was obsessed with guys who I liked but wasn't sure of they liked me. The guy who is freaking you out might be exhibiting the same (or even to a lesser extent) behaviour as you when you like someone?
I could be wrong - its just a thought.

Not exactly freaks me out, I should have said I'd never fancy him as he's not my type, that's all.