What's your favourite religious fairytale?

becost

I have 2. One is the story about the bloke who got eaten by a whale and lived in it's belly for a few days until it spit him back out. The other is good old Noah and his Ark. Considering there are 8.7 million species in the world, it must have been one giant fucking boat. Also, those Dinosaurs were big bastards.

kylith

I like the Book of Ruth. It's a lovely tale of loyalty.

shruikan2553

I like the one where the guy summons bears to kill some scumbags. lot's story made me laugh, a guy who offers up he daughters to be raped is the 1 good guy in the town.

endacl

I like the one where the universe is full of these little 'midichlorian' yokes. They have their dark side though...

joseph brand

becost wrote: »

I have 2. One is the story about the bloke who got eaten by a whale and lived in it's belly for a few days until it spit him back out. The other is good old Noah and his Ark. Considering there are 8.7 million species in the world, it must have been one giant fucking boat. Also, those Dinosaurs were big bastards.

The guy who lived in the whale, was his name Pinochio? I think he lit a fire, which made the whale sneeze. Jesus was some man for the yarns.

I like the gospel which tells the story of 3 brothers who build their houses out of straw, wood and bricks. Then I think Satan possesses the body of a wolf and it all kicks off.

Corkfeen

I'm going to have to go with the original Star Wars trilogy. Like the old testament, it makes spinoffs, prequels, late sequels etc pale in contrast.

Beruthiel

Samson and Delilah.
I have a thing for men with long hair. It automatically makes them 50% hotter and every good story should have a hot protagonist.

Obliq

Beruthiel wrote: »

Samson and Delilah.
I have a thing for men with long hair. It automatically makes them 50% hotter and every good story should have a hot protagonist.

I like that story too, but more because it's reflective of the (pretty worldwide, seemingly) pagan superstition about not letting your body fall into the hands of a witch, who may "steal your strength" by possessing a piece of cut-off hair or nail.

I'm not gone on long hair on blokes - I prefer the blade 1 effect

Penn

Jesus Christ (Son of God, Saviour of Men, Light of the World, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Resurrection and the Life)..... vs a Fig Tree.


Jesus is hungry, sees a fig tree with no figs on it because it's not the season where figs would be on it, and displays the awesome power of faith and prayer by cursing the tree and making it barren (even though a: he could have just prayed for it to grow a fig and b: the tree was created by God to not have figs at certain times of the year so it's not the tree's fault).

The Son of God, defeated by a fig tree which he then takes vengeance upon, and that's a story which is in the Bible which is supposed to show how great and powerful Jesus was.

iDave

Mohammad realises his forces are outnumbered and turns back and retreats. Then gets a 'revelation' from God himself it was the right decision. That worked out well.

SebBerkovich

MONEY LENDERS! it's got to be the money lenders.

It is knock-out stuff, isn't it...

Beruthiel

Penn wrote: »

The Son of God, defeated by a fig tree which he then takes vengeance upon, and that's a story which is in the Bible which is supposed to show how great and powerful Jesus was.

Surly it's a case of you missing the whole point of the story and the lesson within...?

legspin

Beruthiel wrote: »

Samson and Delilah.
I have a thing for men with long hair. It automatically makes them 50% hotter and every good story should have a hot protagonist.

I have always had the impression you were a very perceptive woman. You have just confirmed it.

seamus

I love the sequence where God is displeased with man, so he floods the place, right, and kills everyone except Noah and his family, so that the earth can once more be filled with good people.
So humanity, now all sons and daughters of Noah and united as one in peace and harmony, build themselves a great tower so that they may celebrate their wonderous peacefulness and happiness and be closer to God.

God appears and is terrified by this newfound humanity of love and peace and so "scatters them upon the earth" and makes them speak different languages, so that they can never again find peace and harmony or dare to threaten God's monopoly on love and peace.

Hilarious. He's some joker, that God fella.

Pherekydes

I like how many of the bible's earliest men lived to be 900 plus years old. The women barely get a mention, except to get blamed for sh1t, but the men were "producing" for hundreds of years.

God is history's greatest misogynist.

Brian Shanahan

Revelations.

I've never found a story told by someone off his gourd on 'shrooms to be anything less than side-splittingly funny.

Dades

/ In before someone mentions "context"

eyescreamcone

becost wrote: »

I have 2. One is the story about the bloke who got eaten by a whale and lived in it's belly for a few days until it spit him back out. The other is good old Noah and his Ark. Considering there are 8.7 million species in the world, it must have been one giant fucking boat. Also, those Dinosaurs were big bastards.

What about the fish?

And marsupials? - how did he collect the marsupials?

(not to mention those insects in the Amazon that we have not discovered/named yet).

The water is supposed to have covered the land - at least to above 5000m at Mount Ararat.
That's a lot of water - 5000m deep x the area of the earth.
It took 40 days and 40 nights to subside - where did it go - down the plug hole???

Also if incest is sinful now - how come it was perfectly ok back in the day when Adam and Eve's children began propagating across the land.

Noah's children are not blameless on this front also.

Kold

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bar3GOzDNzg

bumper234

I love the one where there is a concert or something but someone forgot the blue bag with the sandwiches in so Jeebus runs down to macari's and gets the fish n chips in for everyone....stand up guy imo.

Beruthiel

legspin wrote: »

I have always had the impression you were a very perceptive woman. You have just confirmed it.

By any chance legspin, would you have long flowing locks and now consider yourself 50% hotter?

shruikan2553

Beruthiel wrote: »

Samson and Delilah.
I have a thing for men with long hair. It automatically makes them 50% hotter and every good story should have a hot protagonist.

You are a woman of good taste.

krudler

The one where god is outsmarted by a talking snake, who he then curses to crawl on its belly...which is pretty redundant, it being a snake and all.

kylith

krudler wrote: »

The one where god is outsmarted by a talking snake, who he then curses to crawl on its belly...which is pretty redundant, it being a snake and all.

I thought the inference was that before it became all tempty and evil it had legs.

krudler

kylith wrote: »

I thought the inference was that before it became all tempty and evil it had legs.

You mean it...evolved?

kylith

krudler wrote: »

You mean it...evolved?

If by 'evolved' you mean 'cursed by god' then I suppose so, metaphorically speaking, though it doesn't seem to have been much of an impediment.

If by 'evolved' you mean 'evolved from legged snake-like ancestors', then definitely yes.

On a related note my SiL is currently on hols and took a picture of 'a weird snake thing with legs', I told her it was a skink; "a reptile that's on its way to becoming a snake''. She asked me when it was going to turn into a snake. What could I say but "in several million years". She's got 10 years more education than I do, a masters degree, and she still thinks that animals can just 'turn into' a different species. IDK, maybe I know too much, maybe I phrased my reply badly, but it makes me feel better about myself to shake my head at such ignorance.

Animord

kylith wrote: »

If by 'evolved' you mean 'cursed by god' then I suppose so, metaphorically speaking, though it doesn't seem to have been much of an impediment.

If by 'evolved' you mean 'evolved from legged snake-like ancestors', then definitely yes.

On a related note my SiL is currently on hols and took a picture of 'a weird snake thing with legs', I told her it was a skink; "a reptile that's on its way to becoming a snake''. She asked me when it was going to turn into a snake. What could I say but "in several million years". She's got 10 years more education than I do, a masters degree, and she still thinks that animals can just 'turn into' a different species. IDK, maybe I know too much, maybe I phrased my reply badly, but it makes me feel better about myself to shake my head at such ignorance.

You should have told her "about half an hour" - it'd have given her nightmares! :pac:

LittleBook

The one where Jesus turns the water into wine ... mmmm, wine.

Sarky

Beruthiel wrote: »

Samson and Delilah.
I have a thing for men with long hair. It automatically makes them 50% hotter and every good story should have a hot protagonist.

:cool:

endacl

Beruthiel wrote: »

Samson and Delilah.
I have a thing for men with long hair. It automatically makes them 50% hotter and every good story should have a hot protagonist.

Damn. It's over 20 years since I was 50% hotter. These days, I'm tepid at best.

wp_rathead

Penn wrote: »

Jesus Christ (Son of God, Saviour of Men, Light of the World, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Resurrection and the Life)..... vs a Fig Tree.


Jesus is hungry, sees a fig tree with no figs on it because it's not the season where figs would be on it, and displays the awesome power of faith and prayer by cursing the tree and making it barren (even though a: he could have just prayed for it to grow a fig and b: the tree was created by God to not have figs at certain times of the year so it's not the tree's fault).

The Son of God, defeated by a fig tree which he then takes vengeance upon, and that's a story which is in the Bible which is supposed to show how great and powerful Jesus was.

Ha never heard this one so looked it up

Mark 11:12-14 wrote:

The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.

JC was bit grumpy when hungry apparently

Sarky

I'd love to know if that fig tree produced figs later on in the year, when it was actually in season.

endacl

wprathead wrote: »

Ha never heard this one so looked it up




JC was bit grumpy when hungry apparently

Indeed. A job for Mr T and a well timed Snickers if ever there was one.

shruikan2553

wprathead wrote: »

Ha never heard this one so looked it up




JC was bit grumpy when hungry apparently

Jesus eat a fig, you become a diva when youre hungry.

For some reason I can just picture Jesus looking at the tree, narrowing his eyes and saying that as if the tree insulted his mother by saying she wasnt a virgin by the time he got his roots on her.

recedite

One time Mohammad was wondering how many times a day was the ideal number of times to pray, once, twice, three times a lady...?

The Pope had not yet been invented at this time, so there was no direct telephone line to God.

So Mo is just sitting there smoking, pondering the problem. Next thing this flying donkey called Buraq wanders up to him, looking for some grass.
Up jumps Mohammad onto his back and flies up to heaven on the beast.

He meets God and does the tour. Back home he tells everyone the answer.
Five.

Hotblack Desiato

Did the donkey sound like Eddie Murphy?

You can't read stuff like that (or the more bizarre bible passages) and not think that certain herbal/fungal/funny coloured frog preparations were at work.

Brian Shanahan

recedite wrote: »

One time Mohammad was wondering how many times a day was the ideal number of times to pray, once, twice, three times a lady...?

The Pope had not yet been invented at this time, so there was no direct telephone line to God.

So Mo is just sitting there smoking, pondering the problem. Next thing this flying donkey called Buraq wanders up to him, looking for some grass.
Up jumps Mohammad onto his back and flies up to heaven on the beast.

He meets God and does the tour. Back home he tells everyone the answer.
Five.

Best thing about that one, it was written in at least 50 years after Mohammed died by the Umayyads, after the first Muslim civil war.

Actually most of the proscriptions, prohibitions and instructions in the Qu'ran were written in by converted Rabbis after the fact, stealing liberally from the Torah and the Tanakh as they went. It is the main reason why Islam and Judaism are so similar.

recedite

ninja900 wrote: »

Did the donkey sound like Eddie Murphy?

Some say it even had the head of Eddie Murphy

lynski

I was chatting with cousins pakistani husband a few months back and he mentioned that they found some giant skeletons in the desert but 'of course the CIA covered it up in the West but they heard the truth in their media' I replied 'mm giants, is that right?' waiting for the punchline that never came. 'yes, inshallah, from the race of giants you know like in the bible', 'oh yeah, right so, more noodles?'
Giants. I like the giant stories, i think they all look like hagrid only bigger

Kold

"F*ck you tree."