Why can't I get a girlfriend?

LegacyUser

Hi. I've never had a girlfriend. I've had sex and very brief sexual encounters but never had the intimacy and emotional connection with a woman that most people have had. I'm in my mid 20s.

Up until about a year ago I was morbidly obese. I'm still a little overweight, but am actively involved in losing the remaining bit. I would say that objectively speaking I'm not terrible looking (This is remarkable for me to say given that throughout my life I've had crippling self esteem and body image issues related to my appearance and weight). I'm outgoing, like a drink, have a lot of friends, a lot of interesting hobbies. I love conversation. I actually think of it as an art, and I've never had problems 'shooting the breeze' with mates, male or female. In light of all this, it seems rather strange that I've never formed an emotional attachment with someone of the opposite sex. I'm pretty sure I've never been in 'love'. I've felt stuff for women before, but never love. I'm not really sure what love is. I'm definitely sexually attracted to them though.

Another, rather less pressing problem is that many people now think I'm gay. I don't think I have an effeminate manner or anything but the amount of people who make innuendo type comments does get a little annoying sometimes. For example, there was this girl who 'had a thing for me' (I could tell) but since I didn't do anything about it (I'm such a pussy) she seemed to think that the rumours about my sexuality were true. Probably the most annoying thing is that nobody has said it to me directly, nobody has ever asked me straight up whether I am gay or not! At least then I'd be able to tell them that I'm not. I really amn't by the way. There was a while there were I thought I might be unconsciously gay or whatever simply because I'm so lacking in confidence with women but then I realised that is complete bull****. Women, not men, give me erections. I can kinda see why some of my mates might think I'm gay since I've never had a girlfriend before.

What you're probably getting from all of this is a severe case of existential angst. I feel like I'm missing out on one of the key experiences of being human.

When I'm in a situation where a woman is interested in me, I freeze up. I panic a little. I don't know how or when to lean in for a kiss, I don't know how to elevate the conversation in to a more intimate setting, I don't know how to ask her out. I'm terrified I'll be rejected. I'm terrified I'll be **** in bed (my only experience involves drunken fumblings I half remember). In fact fear forms a big part of my problem I think. Are there other men who have went on like this? I just think I need to find somebody patient who will endure my lack of relationship experience. I'm also worried that I'm at an age where never having had a girlfriend will alone be a reason for a woman to reject me. There is also that worry that I'm going to come off a bit desperate. Please help!

Challo

Well I think meeting a girlfriend/boyfriend really just comes down to timing and sheer good luck to be honest

Congrats on weight-loss so far and keep it up. Yes people fall in love with personalities but the initial attraction is vital.

Is there really any evidence for what you think others think of you? i.e. is there really any evidence that the girl thought you were gay? would the alternative be that you got tired waiting and then assumed you weren't interested? If we think negatively about ourselves, it shows in how we present ourselves to others and they pick up on that too. Confidence (not cockiness!) is a very attractive trait.

Flirting and figuring out dating etc also takes practice. Don't be too hard on yourself. You say you're easy to talk to - that's a great strength and maybe what you need is to start taking the bull by the horns and approach girls that you're interested in, rather than hanging around and not making a move. If you're not doing so already, go to places where you're more likely to meet others too e.g. nice pub, social gatherings and so on. The usual advice I guess, sorry!

ShaShaBear

Firstly, don't panic! Easier said than done - I know. But I am sure you are not the only man who hasn't had a meaningful relationship in their mid-20s! In fact I am quite friendly with one lad in his 20s who (as far as I know to date) has never been in a serious relationship, and another who has only been in one. My brother is in his 20s and has never had a girlfriend either!

One thing I know all of the above men have in common is the same complaint you have - not knowing when to make the move. Making this move is the same as all situations in love and intimacy - there is never really a perfect moment. You leave it too long and a girl may get hurt and think you don't feel the same, or as you said, assume that you have different tastes (although to be honest any girl that assumes you are gay just because you won't have sex with them is clearly very full of themselves ). You need to just take a deep breath, relax and keep in mind that if you are in the company of a delightful girl that you are attracted to and at least think that they might feel the same - kiss the girl! Maybe move in for a cuddle (you should easily be able to tell if she doesn't feel comfortable) to gauge your chances. And never, ever underestimate the power of social networking/texting. I wouldn't normally recommend it as a source of dealing with your problems, but in cases like these it is very effective in trying to let someone know you are interested without taking the possible rejection face-to-face. People are much more honest and relaxed behind a screen where their shyness can't interfere, and you'd be surprised what girls might be willing to admit to wanting more from you if you prompted them!

Lastly, don't worry about sexual performance - in my experience, great sex comes from a great man. I've had one night stands with men who I had heard were a riot in the tumbledrier, and I was vastly disappointed. I found that men who desperately wanted to please and were eager to make me happy were much more fun to be intimate with. If you do start to see someone, and you're unsure of what exactly to do, ask her! Most women who are relatively open won't mind telling you exactly what they like, and walking you through it.

dd972

The Gay rumour thing is a Catch 22, nobody looks or sounds more Gay than if they're angrily denying that they're not or getting worked up about it which in turn makes you either Gay, Uncool or some Homophobic bigot in the eyes of others.

In reality it only gets on your nerves because people are thinking or implying that you're something that your're not, it's a bit like if people kept saying you were Italian and not Irish and it was always buzzing away in the background, eventually on an off day you'd snap and go ''listen guys, I'm not f***ing Italian!''.

jellyboy

Hi op

to truly love another one must love themselves

Its very easy for me to be a keyboard warrior and spout my advices ,but it boils down to what you need to do to begin that process ,
the physical is well under way

now you got to slim down the mental side of you

what causes these issues
why do you take on board other peoples thoughts as truth

only you can provide the soulful answers to your life questions

Seek help ?

Enjoy the journey

Honey-ec

I think you've answered your own question, OP - you spent most of your life morbidly obese, with crippling self-esteem. On their own, neither of these states is particularly conducive to finding love. Together, I would imagine they were toxic.

The good news is, you've done a massive amount to counteract this. I'm not going to patronise you by pretending that your weight wouldn't have had a major effect on your attractiveness to the opposite sex. It might be politically incorrect to acknowledge it, but I don't know of anyone, male or female, outside of fetishists, who finds morbid obesity attractive. But you've lost most of this, so major congratulations on that.

So that leaves us with the matter of your self-esteem. You've removed the biggest causal factor of that, but as the sister of someone who had weight issues during her teenage years, I know well that the "hangover" from this lasts long, long after the physical weight is gone, and can be a hell of a lot harder to shake than the weight ever was.

All I can say is, keep going the way you're going. You sound like a guy who has his head screwed on and is well able to get out there and socialise. Eventually, you will start to see yourself as others do - as a fun, intelligent, engaging guy, and everything will follow from that.

And just ignore the gay jibes. Honestly, they're totally meaningless, and if you didn't already suffer from low self-esteem I don't think they'd even have registered.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the messages everyone. The weight has been the defining feature of my life, something I've always been conscious about. I've turned down invitiations to parties etc. because of it in the past. For a while I was something of a recluse. Its only in the last year I've realised that I'm not a particularly gloomy or reclusive guy. I crave physical and social contact. What I crave above all else now is intimacy with somebody. I hear and read a lot about love and I can never identify with what they are saying, I'm beginning to think there is something wrong or weird about me.

The gay thing is annoying, but unfortunately it is not in my head. I overheard people say before that they thought I was a closet case (they thought I was out of earshot). I've heard people make jokes about 'my favourite kind of sausage... whats your favourite sausage OP?' etc. I try to laugh it off or not make a big deal out of it but to be honest it gets on my nerves. I'm not homophobic or anything. There are gay people in my extended social circle and I get on great with them. I'm also at an age (financially independent from my parents, don't think they would particularly care anyway even I was gay etc.) that it would make more sense to be out than in the closet? I've very liberal political opinions (which I often express, possibly adding to the rumours?) I dunno. I'm emigrating soon so maybe I'll be able to make a fresh start. Meet new people, new women, hopefully lose some of the hangups I've developed over the years.

Thanks for your time everyone, this has been great.

ShaShaBear

NeverInLove wrote: »

Thanks for the messages everyone. The weight has been the defining feature of my life, something I've always been conscious about. I've turned down invitiations to parties etc. because of it in the past. For a while I was something of a recluse. Its only in the last year I've realised that I'm not a particularly gloomy or reclusive guy. I crave physical and social contact. What I crave above all else now is intimacy with somebody. I hear and read a lot about love and I can never identify with what they are saying, I'm beginning to think there is something wrong or weird about me.

The gay thing is annoying, but unfortunately it is not in my head. I overheard people say before that they thought I was a closet case (they thought I was out of earshot). I've heard people make jokes about 'my favourite kind of sausage... whats your favourite sausage OP?' etc. I try to laugh it off or not make a big deal out of it but to be honest it gets on my nerves. I'm not homophobic or anything. There are gay people in my extended social circle and I get on great with them. I'm also at an age (financially independent from my parents, don't think they would particularly care anyway even I was gay etc.) that it would make more sense to be out than in the closet? I've very liberal political opinions (which I often express, possibly adding to the rumours?) I dunno. I'm emigrating soon so maybe I'll be able to make a fresh start. Meet new people, new women, hopefully lose some of the hangups I've developed over the years.

Thanks for your time everyone, this has been great.

You sound so much like the lad I'm friends with OP - I'd almost wonder! With my friend (or earlier romantic interest as it were), I think a lot of the rumours were basically down to the fact that he was never seen being very intimate with a woman. If you are not gay and have no problem with being gay - don't worry about it! People will always find something and someone to talk about and when they realise you don't care and that they have yet to see you with a man, they'll get fed up!

DoozerT6

OP, if you've spent your adult life so far never really talking about members of the opposite sex in a 'romantic' sense (simply because you had nothing to talk about!) then I suppose people would assume, rightly or wrongly, that you were not interested in girls. They may also have known that your weight was an issue for you and most may have been too nice to say it to you.

From my own experience (I'm female), I never mention men or boyfriends in my life because it's something I also have no experience of. I'm pretty sure some workmates and acquaintances assume I'm gay and just in the closet - I'm not, I simply have none of these life experiences with the opposite sex that pepper our everyday conversations, eg. weekends away, dinners out, cinema, Sunday trips etc. Nobody's ever asked me outright if I'm gay, but TBH talking about doing everyday things with your partner (or ex) is such a regular part of everyday conversation that if you never, ever mention having social or romantic interactions with the opposite sex, then I guess people will just assume things.

How about an introduction agency? (as opposed to just signing up for internet dating...) You will meet a representative from the agency who will discuss with you exactly what you would like. Who knows, she may have a shy, mid-20's girl who is looking for a guy to take things slow with... That might shut up the doubters!

LegacyUser

ShaShaBear wrote: »

You sound so much like the lad I'm friends with OP - I'd almost wonder! With my friend (or earlier romantic interest as it were), I think a lot of the rumours were basically down to the fact that he was never seen being very intimate with a woman. If you are not gay and have no problem with being gay - don't worry about it! People will always find something and someone to talk about and when they realise you don't care and that they have yet to see you with a man, they'll get fed up!

Hmm... Now that I think of it I know quite a few women from Monaghan!

Well I'm glad you can emphasise, because you probably have an idea about how annoying it is. With people who would think nothing of 'closing' with a member of the opposite sex, a lack of experience in itself raises questions. Anyway, I'm determined to put an end to this. The rumours don't annoy me, its the lack of forthrightness that does. Especially people I'm quite close with, I wish they'd just ****ing ask me outright and I could explain my complexity as a person and my variety of personal failings!

ShaShaBear

NeverInLove wrote: »

Hmm... Now that I think of it I know quite a few women from Monaghan!

Well I'm glad you can emphasise, because you probably have an idea about how annoying it is. With people who would think nothing of 'closing' with a member of the opposite sex, a lack of experience in itself raises questions. Anyway, I'm determined to put an end to this. The rumours don't annoy me, its the lack of forthrightness that does. Especially people I'm quite close with, I wish they'd just ****ing ask me outright and I could explain my complexity as a person and my variety of personal failings!

I've always had trouble closing as you put it. I know the lack of confidence can cripple you - if you don't find yourself engaging and attractive, it's hard to imagine that someone else will! But think so far, you have had some sexual experience - there obviously have been women who were interested in you at least physically. This just lends credit to the fact that, to someone, you will no doubt be attractive. Getting involved in clubs that interest you are always a plus, like writing, gaming, sports, etc. It means that anyone you do meet will share a common interest with you, and it gives you a perfectly neutral way to strike up a conversation.

Would the women you find yourself wanting to get familiar with be a bit younger than you? I do find quite a few woman in their mid 20s are more inclined to make it clear what they are after than, say, someone in their late teens or early 20s.