Need advice on a difficult friendship

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular poster here but going unreg for this. I've been friends with "Mary" since I was a kid - we're both in our late 20s now. As we grew up, we had less and less in common and both pursued different interests, but we always remained good friends. It's one of those friendships that has lasted, but I'm not quite sure why.

Over the last number of years, I've noticed she takes digs at me about everything, from the minor to the major events in my life. I went through a very difficult time at one point (depression, etc.) and every now and again she'd bring it up, saying things like "Jesus, remember your crazy/mental phase" and other worse things. The thing is, it was a horrendous time and while I'm definitely able to laugh at myself, I feel there's a real bitchiness, for want of a better word, beneath it. I would never want to make someone feel ashamed over issues in their past/present and I find it very hurtful that a friend would do so with me.

She often comments on my appearance too - i.e. she really likes her tan and I don't wear any and she acts like there's something wrong/weird about that. Ridiculous stuff like that really. If I'm out with her, she'll wait 'til there's a big group and then tell an embarrassing story about me. I could go on and on, but hopefully I'm giving the right impression of how she behaves.

An incident a few weeks back was the last straw for me and I decided to pull back from the friendship 'cause I won't be spoken to like that and I'm sick of her projecting her own insecurities onto me. The thing is, any time I've tried to assert myself fully with her, she laughs or she denies things and it's turned around so it looks like I'm being melodramatic. I'm an assertive and confident person for the most part, but I get anxious even thinking about being in her company at the moment. It's almost like this bullyish vibe. It's a delicate one as I don't want to cut contact - I feel it'd make life more stressful for me and I don't want to bring that on myself.

I suppose I'm wondering if anyone has advice on how best to pull back from a friendship in a relatively diplomatic/non-confrontational manner?

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation myself OP. We'd been best friends for years.

It was exhausting being or thinking about being in their company. Putdowns, hypocrisy, snide remarks about family members and a woe is me attitude, all while insisting she was a very nice person eventually wore me down. Similar to your friend she was of the opinion that I was an awful strange individual whenever I didn't share her likes and dislikes.

We had a falling out and I basically never made contact with her again. I realised that I was perfectly fine without my friend. I had been avoiding any possible conflict instead of just ending the friendship. Now I feel like a great weight has been lifted and I have a greater appreciation of my good friends and family.

I understand wanting to keep contact, in a way we had been friends so long it was very sad to end things, but the answer for me was just to move on alone. Friends don't drag you down!

If you can distance yourself from her without ending the friendship - great! See her less, make excuses etc... its nice to maintain a friendliness with someone you have known for years. But if it's really wearing you down then just drop her and realise she doesn't deserve you!

ahnow

Been there too OP, And the thing is, for me anyway, you get to a stage where you realise these people are dead weight, they'll suck the life out of you and leave you feeling the worse for it. What do you get out of the friendship? Your so-called friend gets a punching bag for herself to demean and bully when she feels like it. She wont be changing, and by the sounds of it she's not listening to how you feel about her behaviour anyway. Some friend!
There's plenty of lovely, kind, and supportive people out there that will help make you feel good about yourself, that you can have in your life instead of this horrible girl.
Once she's out of your system you wont miss her. That's a fact! And it would serve her right too!

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your replies. Makes me realise that what I've been putting up with is ridiculous as I don't get anything from the friendship at this stage. I know I don't deserve it & sick of being around such negative energy. I'm finding pulling back really uncomfortable, but I'll stick it out. Feel much better knowing others have had to pluck up the courage to step away from the same kind of situations. Thanks again