Scared of Relationships?

LegacyUser

Hey there,

22 year old guy here looking for some advice :-)

Basically, I've never been in a proper relationship, boyfriend girlfriend thing.
I've never had problems chatting up women on nights out, and generally I've no problem talking to female friends in more relaxed(alcohol-less)social settings- but these rarely occur alone!
I've had sex plenty of times, but unfortunately the majority of these times, they have been after a night out, and bar two occasions, have not resulted in any furthering of a relationship.
I'm often in the situation of texting / facebooking her in the following days but when any discussion of meeting up again arises, I freeze.. make up an excuse.. or avoid the issue.
The worse thing is I have really liked and got on well with some of these girls and just feel like such a knob having never followed up.

It's something I've always been annoyed at myself for, but I just don't have the bottle, I dunno what it is, and I suppose recently friends aying they 'must find me a girlfriend' and the likes has put the issue to the forefront of my mind.

I know I just need to bite the bullet and grow and pair, but how should I do it without backing out and making excuses again?! Any advice (or abuse) much appreciated!!

karaokeman

You say there were only two occasions where a one night stand did lead to the furthering of a relationship (not necessarily being a couple, but being comfortable hanging around with someone).

Could you try and remember what you've learned from those encounters and build on it?

mygoat

I think you need to face your fears, OP. What stops you from contacting the girls and asking them out? I may be wrong, but it's highly likely that it's either the prospect of being rejected or the fear of feeling vulnerable.

The answer to your problem is courage. Rejection sucks, and it hurts. Vulnerability brings your insecurities to the surface, which isn't pleasant either. But if you want to have a meaningful, interesting life, you've got to learn to accept that these things are a necessary part of it.

Try to imagine that you contact a girl, and she is not interested to meet up with you. Feel all the emotions that come as a result of the rejection. Get familiar with them, get used to them and you will realise that being rejected is not the end of the world. Happy relationships are for brave people, so go out there and be brave

jayo11

nextstepseeker wrote: »

Hey there,

22 year old guy here looking for some advice :-)

Basically, I've never been in a proper relationship, boyfriend girlfriend thing.
I've never had problems chatting up women on nights out, and generally I've no problem talking to female friends in more relaxed(alcohol-less)social settings- but these rarely occur alone!
I've had sex plenty of times, but unfortunately the majority of these times, they have been after a night out, and bar two occasions, have not resulted in any furthering of a relationship.
I'm often in the situation of texting / facebooking her in the following days but when any discussion of meeting up again arises, I freeze.. make up an excuse.. or avoid the issue.
The worse thing is I have really liked and got on well with some of these girls and just feel like such a knob having never followed up.

It's something I've always been annoyed at myself for, but I just don't have the bottle, I dunno what it is, and I suppose recently friends aying they 'must find me a girlfriend' and the likes has put the issue to the forefront of my mind.

I know I just need to bite the bullet and grow and pair, but how should I do it without backing out and making excuses again?! Any advice (or abuse) much appreciated!!

Are you a mammy's boy, by any chance?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys..

Karaokeman- one of those was a relationship with a girl i worked with abroad, we got on like a house on fire, ended up all over each other for a few weeks, but then I had to go home :-(
The other was more of a thing where we'd meet up on nights out and go home to eachothers, but I just started making bull**** excuses for not being able to meet up and that went no further..

Mygoat- Yeah for sure I'm fearing rejection, I have all sorts of fear of being seen hanging out with a women by someone i know- that kind of thing. Or meeting up with the girl and her absolutely hating the look of me or my personality on a sobre occasion.
I know I need to bite the bullet and just ask someone on a date *shudder*.. in some ways I think i'd be relieved if I was turned down..

Jayo11- Not exactly a mammys boy but quite close i suppose, but I completely crawl into a hole If im asked why I wasnt home the night before etc.. I'm actually quite defensive. I simply cannot discuss love interestes with her.

I'm hoping to meet a girl I met in a few weeks in Dublin.. well we've basically said we'll meet up on a night out, but I'm just fearing I'll find an excuse, and I feel like I'm getting old and will only get so many chances.. I also worry if there's drink involved when meeting up I'll just keep putting off doing what normal people do-sobre!
Thanks for the advice, is there any mantra anyone might use to get me over this idiotic habit??

mygoat

nextstepseeker wrote: »

Mygoat- Yeah for sure I'm fearing rejection, I have all sorts of fear of being seen hanging out with a women by someone i know- that kind of thing. Or meeting up with the girl and her absolutely hating the look of me or my personality on a sobre occasion.
I know I need to bite the bullet and just ask someone on a date *shudder*.. in some ways I think i'd be relieved if I was turned down..

Ah, OP, what a gem! As a psychologist I find the bolded part of your message beautifully symbolic and meaningful.

There is a TED talk on youtube about vulnerability and the fear of being seen, I strongly recommend that you watch it. It's super funny and very informative, all at the same time. The video is titled Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability (moderators, I hope the link is ok).

The mantra that you are looking for may be: "It's ok to be imperfect" or "What makes me vulnerable, makes me beautiful" or "I am enough". It's all in the video - enjoy!

LegacyUser

mygoat wrote: »

Ah, OP, what a gem! As a psychologist I find the bolded part of your message beautifully symbolic and meaningful.

There is a TED talk on youtube about vulnerability and the fear of being seen, I strongly recommend that you watch it. It's super funny and very informative, all at the same time. The video is titled Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability (moderators, I hope the link is ok).

The mantra that you are looking for may be: "It's ok to be imperfect" or "What makes me vulnerable, makes me beautiful" or "I am enough". It's all in the video - enjoy!

That was a nice watch, thank you :-)
Need to get over myself-conclusion!