Ex friend bringing up past :(

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I am just looking for some advice about a lousy situation I'm in

A few years ago I met this guy online and everything clicked at first. Or so I thought. We talked every night and text everyday. We decided to meet up and he ended up staying with me for two weeks. I introduced him to my all my friends and he hit it off with everyone. I really thought things were ok. However he left and eventually contact from him started to peter out. He told me he just didn't see us being together and that he really didn't think we were compatible as we were from different sides of the tracks..(bull**** I know). I was very upset about it as I thought everything was going well. It was a real blow to my confidence..

However I soon found out that he started seeing one of my best friends. I had confided in this person about my feelings and frustrations over this guy and was deeply hurt by what they were doing. I felt like I was stabbed in the back. I spiralled into a deep depression and had major trust issues. Family and friends became gravely concerned for me.

I eventually came out of this hole. It took me a very long time to build up my confidence again and eventually I started trusting people again. Over a year after the whole thing happened I met a guy and I have being with him now for nearly three years now. However recently enough I got an email from my now ex friend about how my actions had greatly upset them and how they felt I was being melodramatic. I really don't think I was and I had every reason to be upset with them. It happened just over four years ago and I honest to god moved on from the whole thing but why now must they drag this all back up? It's bringing back some bad memories and I have tried to tell them to leave it go and never to speak to me again but my now boyfriend got an email from her and she's now dredging stuff up that has nothing to do with him!

I really don't know how to feel and I really don't know what to do. He's ignoring them but it's pissing me off that she would start making herself out to be a victim. I was never violent towards them, I never said a word to them, only that I was deeply hurt by them and I cut them out of my life. The only way they can contact me is via email and I am not even sure how she got that or my boyfriends email. I would greatly appreciate some help with this.

Boombastic

The cheek of them. Emailing not only you but your boyfriend to make themselves out as victims. I would ignore their emails..it will bug them more. You do not need 'friends' like this.

December2012

You have your side of events, they have theirs.

You hurt them and they hurt you.

If you're not interested in putting the past behind you then block their email address.

tinkerbell

Ignore the emails - the best way to deal with twats like her is to ignore her and don't give her any reaction. She is the one that should be ashamed - she went off with your boyfriend right after you broke up, that pretty much is against the friend code. Block her emails on your spam filter. Your ex friend sounds abit screwed up tbh.

maria34

Are they still together???

Well that guy was a stranger but your best friend???? Troublemaker stirring again. Ignore! She is not right in the head anyway you cant trust someone loke this. Emailing your boyfriend was out of order.

ivytwine

Hey OP

I was once in a similar situation, not a romantic relationship, but a very close friendship. The person decided they did not want me in their life anymore. However, this was not enough for them; they spent a year talking about me behind my back, making stuff up etc. (I know this sounds like the antics of primary school kids, but we were 21!)

Anyway, this person got back into contact with me via Facebook. They said our previous conversations on it were sweet and reminded them of good times.

Except the conversation they were referring to were over 2 years old. And the most recent conversation had been an attack on me.

So what did I do? I blocked them on Facebook and didn't reply.

Like you, that whole thing had a huge impact on me and really changed me. And helped me to see with clarity that people like that only crave attention.

Don't give them what they are craving. I doubt they have changed. Ignore, and don't give them the headspace they want. You've done well for yourself, you don't need that kind of nonsense in your life.

Best of luck OP xx

Big Bag of Chips

I'm guessing she/they feel a bit guilty. She probably misses you as a friend, and this is her way of making contact again. If they are still together 4 years later, then unfortunately for you, it would seem like the genuinely did fall for each other and their relationship had/has a bit of substance.

If you don't miss her from your life and don't feel the need to be in contact with her, then ignore her. Direct her emails to spam.

singsong321

I suppose these current events just verify why these people aren't involved in your life!! Some people just thrive on drama and getting emotional reactions out of people, you don't have to put up with this immature behavior. You're in a stable relationship and deserve happiness after what you've been through, don't let this immature act jepordize your happiness.

m'lady

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'm guessing she/they feel a bit guilty. She probably misses you as a friend, and this is her way of making contact again. If they are still together 4 years later, then unfortunately for you, it would seem like the genuinely did fall for each other and their relationship had/has a bit of substance.

If you don't miss her from your life and don't feel the need to be in contact with her, then ignore her. Direct her emails to spam.

In fairness if they missed the OP or felt guilty why would they be dredging up the past and accusing her of being melodramatic? These people are looking for a reaction off your boyfriend and yourself.. Try not give them that and just get in with your life.. As a previous poster said try divert their horrible emails to your spam account?

tinkerbell

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'm guessing she/they feel a bit guilty. She probably misses you as a friend, and this is her way of making contact again. If they are still together 4 years later, then unfortunately for you, it would seem like the genuinely did fall for each other and their relationship had/has a bit of substance.

If you don't miss her from your life and don't feel the need to be in contact with her, then ignore her. Direct her emails to spam.

They don't sound guilty to me, tbh. They emailed the OP and her boyfriend (which was WAY out of line to email the OP's boyfriend) being mean to the OP, dragging up the past and giving out to her that she was being overly dramatic. Those are not the actions of someone who is guilty, apologising or wants to mend the friendship...

Big Bag of Chips

m'lady wrote: »

In fairness if they missed the OP or felt guilty why would they be dredging up the past and accusing her of being melodramatict

Because not everyone is good at admitting they were wrong, and if they are still together as a couple, maybe they feel like they weren't wrong?

And it seems there has been a few emails over and back where the OP, told them to leave her alone and never contact her again.. maybe THAT'S where they think, 4 years later and a boyfriend of 3 years, that the OP is being melodramatic.

OP, not everything in life is black or white. You have your take on it, they have theirs. Yes, she might have been wrong to persue a relationship with him, but if after meeting you he didn't feel that connection with you he was right to cut contact. I have seen posts here where people have fallen for their friends' exes, and replies have been along the lines of "your friend might be upset, but you can't sacrifice your own feelings for your friend who wi get over this in time".

I personally know of a few people who got with their friends' exes and are now married, and everyone is happy..

OP, this might all be irrelevant because it's not clear if they are still together or not. But my advice still stands. They might feel guilty that you got upset, but mightn't feel they were really that wrong. Where people and emotions are involved things are rarely clear cut.

But like I said, if you don't miss her, and don't feel the need to have contact with her, then just ignore her, she will go away again.

Lorna123

To think that while you had this guy staying with you he was setting his cap on your friend is disgusting. You were crying on the shoulder of this so called friend while she was in co-hoots with this guy is appalling. I don't blame you one bit for feeling hurt and not wanting this girl in your life ever again.

I would think that as this happened 4 years ago that your friend thought that you would forgive her I think she should have let it go and stopped contacting you when you told her not to. It would appear she is now angry that you can't forgive her and is lashing out trying to make herself look like the victim. She will soon get tired if you ignore her.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thank you all for your helpful advice. I really appreciate it.

Some of you have asked if they are together and I think they are. A friend mentioned late last year that they had broken up for awhile but another mate said they were still together..I don't really know to be honest!! In the emails she's sent she's never mentioned him..just how I made them feel bad.

We have done what some have you said and if we receive anymore emails from her they'll go straight to our spam folders. A close friend of mine who still stays in contact with her said he would have a word with her but I am not sure if I want to be dragging anyone else into this situation.

I am also trying to find out where she got our emails from! That's annoying me more so than anything. If someone is willing to throw our emails out to her surely they would have no problems in giving her our phone numbers if she asked. That's what I would become more afraid of! I only have a small number of friends that stay in contact with her so do I go confront them about it? This whole thing is a mess! But thank you for your advice guys!

ivytwine

m'lady wrote: »

In fairness if they missed the OP or felt guilty why would they be dredging up the past and accusing her of being melodramatic? These people are looking for a reaction off your boyfriend and yourself.. Try not give them that and just get in with your life.. As a previous poster said try divert their horrible emails to your spam account?

This times a million. Perhaps she does feel guilty but I have a feeling if the OP left them back in her life it would only be a matter of time before they were up to their old tricks again. The tactics she is employing show that she hasn't changed, she only wants drama and someone to play off.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two very admirable concepts but they aren't always possible. You can forgive from a distance; it doesn't mean you want them anywhere near your life again.

Starokan

I could understand someone emailing to try and fix a friendship, dredging up the past is unnecessary and emailing your now boyfriend is completely and utterly out of order.

Block emails and block numbers and keep moving on