Friend's dad is beating her

LegacyUser

I have no clue if this belongs in the right area of boards, but I need some advice and guidance on an issue. If this doesn't belong in the right area, may I request it be moved?

Basically, I talk to/know a girl in England who is 16 years old. She's my friend and we met online, nothing serious, we chat daily and are quite close. I've known her for over a year now. From what she has told me, her dad is a nasty character. He has cheated on her Mum, hit her mum and beats up my friend too. She has shown me facebook photos of her dad with another lady, she found secret accounts etc, she told me her dad is on a police warning for beating up her mum.

Just tonight, she told me her dad beat her really badly, and this is the 3rd or 4th time its happened. She told me the story and its nothing short of gruesome. I wont go into detail, but he beats her badly. She talked to her Aunt previous, and she said that next time her dad beats her, that she can move in with her.

Now, while it is none of my business, and I know I cannot prove any of this to anyone, I have no reason to think this girl is lying It really is pissing me off, she's my friend, she's a defenseless 16 year old little girl, being beaten by a fully grown man, it's not right. She has talked to me on occasions about her father being a torment in their house, how he is angry and evil and just overall a terrible person. She has younger siblings and her main worry is that, if she leaves, that her dad will turn to them next.

What are my options? Should I just shutup and mind my business? Because outside of consoling her, I feel powerless. She said she is too scared to report him, but I said she has the option to end all this for good tomorrow. I am pleading with her to please leave and go to her aunts, and to report this evil man. While the final say is with her, I am giving her this advice because It's what I know is best, since I have been through this too in my family. I know the final say is with her, and I should stay out, but she is asking me for advice.

I guess what I am asking is, what should I do? What should she do? It's making me more upset with every second that passes, is there any way I can help my friend outside of consoling her? I just need advice on this situation, sorry if this thread seems pointless

Fluorescence

Tell her to contact the police or a women's shelter. Urge her to go to her aunts. Try not to get emotionally tangled in her mess - you can't help or comfort her if you're raging or getting stupid/sick with worry.

But I'd also tread carefully. She may be lying to stir up drama and get attention from her online friend. Sounds harsh, but could be the case. I can't speak for anyone else but when I was a 15 year old I was a devious lying snake on the internet. It was a phase I grew out of and I never spun a tale as wild as your friend's, but it does happen. Be very careful.

ShaShaBear

If you have never met her, and only know her online, then there is simply nothing you can and should do. Chances are, in fact, that this is a wild story as teenage girls are well known for using the internet to get attention. Like the above poster, I was a devious little flecker on the internet and I used to tell people all sorts of things. But I did become quite close to one or two, who I still talk to now, and I would never dream of telling them such personal information as she has told you.

You have no proof that she even lives with her father, so taking any action at all could land you in an immense wealth of trouble. Not to mention the trouble you might land her in when her family finds out the horrific things she's been telling people. Continue talking to her if you must, lend an ear of support and give her the benefit of the doubt. But do not get involved.

Mozzeltoff

Back in the days of Bebo, a girl I had never met in my life and never will added me. I talked to her a lot and at first everything seemed alright. As I got to know her in time she became a bit of a "woe is me" character. She never seemed happy and I felt that a lot of what she was saying was unbelievable..I used to give her advice but she either a) ignored it or b) the situation had escalated to the point that police or social workers should have being getting involved. In the end she got caught out in one story she had told me and from there on I really had no time for her. I lost contact with her completely when I deleted my Bebo account.

I am not saying that your situation is the same however when people do start talking to me online and start talking to me about personal problems in only a few of the times I have talked to them I do start to get a bit wary of them. We all have issues with family and maybe it's just me but I would rather talk to a close personal friend about these issues rather than talk to some stranger online and have no chance of meeting, god knows who they are! As Fluorescence and ShaShaBear have said be there for her and support her but don't get emotionally or personally involved..you could end up resulting in some unnecessary drama and worse yet a whole world of trouble!

Citycap

This could be just another online fantasy. The girl may be a male who likes these imaginary friends for all you know. Do you really need to take this rubbish on board?

username123

It might not be true. This is the foremost thing you have to remember. It could be someone just looking for attention online. It happens. Ive been stung myself by someone I met online, not that they werent who they said they were but things were not as they seemed.

Tell her to go to the police but try not to get emotionally involved.

Meller

I don't understand why everyone is so skeptical. Sure, she could be making it up. Most people could be lying about anything. On the other hand, a LOT of young people are in horrible situations at home. It's perfectly plausible that they would confide in a friend online. We can't know either way.

I think all this skepticism is just responsibility shirking, to be honest - a lot people in your situation would rather turn a blind eye and not do anything, tell themselves there is nothing they can do about it.

That said, you are fairly powerless in this situation. I would just keep doing as you are, OP. Encourage her to go to local organisations that deal with these kinds of problems. Keep giving her the right advice. I'm sure there are lots of resources online you can read that provide advice as to what you should do when somebody you know is in this situation, or you could call one of the organisations yourself to see what they advise you to do that could help.

camphor

Are you sure this is not just corporal punishment? Given that you have no direct knowledge of the situation you should get more information. Have you asked her if she did anything to provoke a beating? There are two sides to every story.
Her reluctance to move out is also suspicious if she is being fully frank.

seamus

camphor wrote: »

Are you sure this is not just corporal punishment? Given that you have no direct knowledge of the situation you should get more information. Have you asked her if she did anything to provoke a beating? There are two sides to every story.

Whatever other "side" there may be to the story is irrelevant. Nothing justifies a parent doling out a beating to their child of any age.

Her reluctance to move out is also suspicious if she is being fully frank.

Not really. To most children, parents are demigods for all intents and purposes, who have absolute power to control them. Throw physical and psychological abuse into the mix (the two usually go hand-in-hand) and this girl will most likely feel like there is nowhere in the world she can be safe, that her father will always be able to get to her.
Moving out is just another thing which will "provoke" him, as you so nicely put it. She doesn't see moving out as the first step in freedom, she sees moving out as the first step in getting another hiding.

As mentioned in the OP, she also has younger siblings. It's a common thread in domestic abuse that parents and/or older siblings will often stay in place and take the beatings for fear that if they leave, the abuser will turn on the younger children.

Paddy Cow

camphor wrote: »

Are you sure this is not just corporal punishment?

Who uses corporal punishment on a 16 year old? Some parents chose to use smacking on toddlers and young children but not on teenagers.

Given that you have no direct knowledge of the situation you should get more information. Have you asked her if she did anything to provoke a beating? There are two sides to every story.

What on earth type of question is that to ask? :eek: Teenagers can be moody and a pain in the arse but no one deserves a beating.

Her reluctance to move out is also suspicious if she is being fully frank.

It's not suspicious at all. Grown men and women struggle to leave abusive relationships for years so what hope does a 16 year old have? She already explained that she is afraid that her father will take his anger out on her younger siblings and this is a common fear amoung young people.

OP as frustrating as it is, there really is nothing you can do apart from listen to her and give her emotional support. Hopefully in time she will have the courage to leave and go live with her aunt and maybe even report him to the police/social services.

camphor

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Who uses corporal punishment on a 16 year old? Some parents chose to use smacking on toddlers and young children but not on teenagers.

A lot of parents use corporal punishment on teenagers. Many any do not regard 16 as too old for a good hiding.

Chara1001

Camphor- What are you on about?

A tap on the bum is one thing, a good hiding another. A good hiding of a 16 year old is physical abuse. I'd really like to know what you would consider provocation enough to warrant a good beating.

OP, not much you can do here. All you can do is listen and support her and maybe try go get her to speak to someone but don't do it for her.

And whatever you do, don't listen to camphor

Paddy Cow

camphor wrote: »

A lot of parents use corporal punishment on teenagers. Many any do not regard 16 as too old for a good hiding.

Fortunately for teenagers, social services and the police do not hold the same view.

freshpopcorn

Hi OP!
Well it's very hard to know who your talking to is real or not. So this could be a problem. You can advise her talking to contact a family member or a teacher that she trust or she could contact a helpline like child line.

To deal with the issue of corporal punishment. I am in my early twenties and I knew of plenty of people who got by the father's belt or a Hurley when they did something wrong in their teens. Some still nearly do they just accepted it that that's how their house is run and that's that.

Guys, this isn't a discussion on corporal punishment methods. Posts deleted
Let's get back to helping the OP please