What Would you do

Annabananna

Hey is my sister in laws 31st birthday this week and we usually give her a present last year for her 30th we spent over 250eur on her other years it would have been 50e but my 30th was two months ago and she didn't text me to say happy birthday let alone send a card. She did give my two kids a present for their birthdays but would you now sent her a present this year. My husband says it up to me I always sort that sort of thing.

I am not trying to be petty about it as I not into the whole big show of presents thing at our wedding we put on the invites no presents just your attendance. But at the same time she lives at home with her parents no kids and we are all in good jobs a card is all that was needed.

My thoughts are is to send a card with a few scratch cards in it orshould I just send the usual flowers or not send anything???

blatantrereg

I'd give her a present. Sucks that she forgot your birthday but she gave your kids presents. She might have had a lot of stuff going on.

ahnow

Wrong thread-sorry!

corklad12

A card and a bunch of flowers, There are great flowers in ALDI for about 12=16euro and maybe a box of chocolates for about a 10euro.

tinkerbell

I wouldn't get her anything tbh. She didn't bother for your birthday so why should you waste money on her? Just call her and wish her happy birthday but I wouldn't go buying her a present, definitely not.

December2012

Do you give to receive?

Will you let her behaviour change yours?

It's up to you - I was in a similar position and decided it wouldn't change the way I behaved.

The_Conductor

Once you have children- the spotlight moves on from you to the little ones. She may have forgotten your birthday- she didn't forget their birthdays though. It is a bit rough that you didn't even get a Happy Birthday text from her- and you feel hard-done-by because you spent a lot of money on her 30th- but thats just life. If you want to sit down and mull over it, so be it- but its a minor slight, and more than compensated for, by her remembering your two children's birthdays. Its your call- if you feel like it, a pleasant card seems reasonable enough to me- if you want to go further thats your prerogative, you have to decide. Personally I think life is too short to read things into situations like this- you can go and get upset over it- what does that achieve though- nothing, absolutely nothing.

Magicmatilda

Did she give your husband a present? Afterall she is his sister so perhaps she feels giving to him and 2 kids is enough.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know OP, I think when you get to a certain age, there's no need for presents anymore! I don't give any of my siblings presents, or my husband's siblings. Might send a Facebook "Happy Birthday", but that would be it. Unless there was a "big birthday" AND they were having a party.

My best friend of 20 years still gives me a present each year, and it puts pressure on me to get her one in return. After 20 years there's only so many handbags/jewellery/smelly sets you can buy

I'm not a big one for wanting presents, so in return I'm not a big one for giving them either! I feel if I give a present, it puts pressure on someone to give one back. I also gave up buying Christmas & birthday presents for nieces and nephews (14 in total!) it was just getting ridiculous to be honest!

I think sending a quick "Happy birthday" text to her is enough...

(maybe, I'm a scrooge?!)

Annabananna

Thanks for all your replies so far my husband birthday is at xmas so we all club together to get him a reasonable size present so I don't know what she will do then.
She is quiet vocal if someone forgets her birthday as we got married on her birthday 5 years ago and she decided that she wanted everyone to give her their presents the night before also told her to make sure the band song her happy birthday so if I will be in the dog house if I don't send a gift.

The_Conductor

That sounds like emotional blackmail by a child who has never learnt how the world works. Tell me- did you all give in to her when she was little, regardless of what she wanted? Did she ever learn that sometimes you don't get what you want- sometimes you have to learn what sacrificing something actually means- sometimes other people mean more than you do? Trying to usurp your wedding? Thats disgraceful. She sounds like a right little princess.

Esoteric_

Forget about what you think you should/shouldn't do. What do you WANT to do? Do you WANT to give her a present? If you do, give her one. If you don't want to, don't. It shouldn't be any more complicated than that. I have an older sister who hasn't given me a birthday present for about 5 years, and actually deliberately destroyed my 21st birthday party because she was annoyed with me over something petty from days before. It was the worst birthday I've ever had, but I still give her a birthday and Christmas present each year because I WANT to. I just never expect one in return, on my birthday.

bluemagpie

I'd like scratch cards, more exciting than a candle etc. Just go with what you'd like to do rather than reactionary responses and do the same every year, forget about what she does. If it really bothers you say something to her and agree on what to do.

If I want something I buy it for myself except scratch cards, buy the scratch cards

ibarelycare

As petty as it may be, if I was in your shoes I would be a bit annoyed. You put a lot of money into her 30th present, and she didn't even acknowledge yours. I'd send her a "Happy Birthday" text, and leave it at that. It's not like it's one of the "big" birthdays.

However I do think that since this is your husband's sister, he should be the one making the decision.

kylith

Annabananna wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies so far my husband birthday is at xmas so we all club together to get him a reasonable size present so I don't know what she will do then.
She is quiet vocal if someone forgets her birthday as we got married on her birthday 5 years ago and she decided that she wanted everyone to give her their presents the night before also told her to make sure the band song her happy birthday so if I will be in the dog house if I don't send a gift.

Don't send her a gift, a card or a 'Happy Birthday' on Facebook should be sufficient. If she complains tell her that you thought she'd have grown out of having to have a fuss made of her birthday by now.

Faith

kylith wrote: »

Don't send her a gift, a card or a 'Happy Birthday' on Facebook should be sufficient. If she complains tell her that you thought she'd have grown out of having to have a fuss made of her birthday by now.

I'd do the same, except I have to admit that I'd be really petty and if she complained about not getting her anything, I'd say something like "Oh, well you never even acknowledged my birthday so I thought we'd just dropped birthday celebrations completely".

That's probably not good advice though . The mature thing would be to send her a card and a bunch of flowers of something.

tinkerbell

Faith - I'd do the exact same. The OP's sister in law sounds like a spoiled brat who needs to be taken down a peg or two and shown that the entire world doesn't revolve around her. The OP made a big deal of her SIL's birthday by buying a big gift. If someone did something like that for my birthday, I'd make sure I marked the OP's birthday in my calendar so that I could make a fuss of the OP in return. Instead, the miserable bag never even wished her happy birthday! So I'd just assume that's how you carry on - instead of no acknowledgement, send a text or call her but leave it at that.

blatantrereg

I missed the "in law" part in my previous reply.
You're speaking in terms of "we" - so you are talking about your husband not giving his sister a present. She gives presents to your husband and two kids. That's already three times as many birthdays and presents as she gets, being single.
You are really excessively bothered by her not sending you anything imo.

Big Bag of Chips

It's a good point about her giving presents to your kids. So rather than giving her a present from you, why not give her a present from the kids?

Annabananna

Sorry I should of made it clear we have sent a gift to her from our kids a 80eur cheque to cover the cash she gave them. But the issue is should I send her something from us the adults the gift last year was from us in addition to a similar size gift from our kids.
She is tough going as a sister in law but then the whole family have got on my wick at one time or another but I liver 250 miles away so it don't bother me too much just this was doing my head in

tinkerbell

Annabananna wrote: »

Sorry I should of made it clear we have sent a gift to her from our kids a 80eur cheque to cover the cash she gave them. But the issue is should I send her something from us the adults the gift last year was from us in addition to a similar size gift from our kids.
She is tough going as a sister in law but then the whole family have got on my wick at one time or another but I liver 250 miles away so it don't bother me too much just this was doing my head in

Well then you have definitely done more than enough. A text / phonecall is enough, if she bitches to you that you didn't get her a gift, say "well I assumed you wanted to top the whole gift giving thing at his age of our lives, especially when you forgot my birthday last year". I would just say it straight out to her. She doesn't sound like a very nice person tbh, so I wouldn't keep pussy-footing around her.

Lorna123

This is how I would feel, petty or not. You spent a lot remembering her 30th birthday and I am sure she appreciated it. For her not to even wish you a happy birthday on your 30th is a bit annoying and I would be annoyed at first but glad that the habit was stopping.

Now in her defense she probably feels that she has to fork out for you and your husbands birthdays and now your 2 kids too and so it costs her a lot more than it costs you.

You can't keep on giving one another presents now that you are all over 30 so this is your chance to quit this habit altogether. I would not give her anything and just say nothing and let her do what she likes when your birthdays come around again. Just put a stop to it now, that's what I would do. BUT, I would not think any the less of her because maybe that is what she is now trying to do too........put a stop to it. She didn't send you a card so she can't complain if she doesn't get one from you.

I had this problem years ago with in laws at Christmas and I just stopped giving presents as it was too hard to keep up with it. I am sure I was thought less of for a year or two but after that it all evened out and now we only give presents to our own kids at Christmas and that's it. None of them give us presents either and we are all happy.