I have developed feelings for a relative and don't know what to do

SnuggleBuddy

I am currently experiencing a major issue in my life which I am finding incredibly difficult to deal with and overcome. It would be helpful to get some impartial views and advice on this.

To start, I am a female in my early twenties. I have recently emigrated to a country where I have some distant relatives. Now, I was aware for many years that these relatives existed, but I had not been in contact with them or ever met them until I emigrated to this country several months ago. Over the last few months, I have developed a particularly close relationship with one of these relatives. Initially, I brushed it off as just being that of a supportive relative but recently, I have forced myself to be more honest and I have now admitted to myself that I have developed feelings for him.

To be honest, I feel like he also feels something for me too. We are texting each other and also sending each other FB messages a lot as well as seeing each other regularly. We also spend a lot of time together and he often comments that he is enjoying himself and really enjoys spending time with me. When we go a few days without seeing each other, he contacts me telling me that he's missed me (I also miss him during these times).

I must mention that nothing has every happened between us during these times and I would never allow anything to happen for that matter. He is married, but has no kids. He is also significantly older than me.

However, part of me wonders if he is bored in his relationship with his wife and sees me as an outlet for him and something more exciting. He does shift work and is often home by 2 or 3 in the afternoon and this is usually when he gets in contact with me. This leads me to believe that he has nothing better to do and is just using me to fill his time.

Another thing that bothers and confuses me about this situation is that he is not even the type of guy that I would usually find myself being attracted to for a long list of reasons.

I am just so confused about how to deal with this situation. I am usually such a level-headed person and someone who is very mature for my age. I just can't believe that I've allowed this to happen to me. I just wish there was some way that I could simply get rid of my feelings for him and forget that this ever happened and just get on with my life.

What I would like to know is if there is anyone else who has been in this situation or a similiar situation before and what they did to overcome it or if there's anyone else who could offer some advice? For obvious reasons, simply cutting contact with him is unfortunately not an option. Moving away is not an option either as I have established myself here with a place to live and a good job and I don't want to sacrafice these.

CaraMay

It's more important that he is married than that he is a relative. Just because they don't have kids, doesbt mean he is fair game. They are still a family.

Chances are he is bored and sees this as an opportunity to have a fling with someone much younger and knows it can only ever be a fling and you won't be able to look for more with the fear of your family finding out etc. There is also the chance that he contacts you, as you have said, when he has time to.

12gauge dave

I think you should tell him that you think you have become too close and that you should stop seeing eachother as much.
i know its not easy confronting people in situations like this but it will he harder to confront his wife when she finds her husband in bed with his relation.
Good luck anyway i hope it all works out for you

Roselm

Google "Genetic Sexual Attraction"-theres a Wikipedia page. Its not unknown for this to happen. I dont know if this makes things any easier but at least maybe you can put things in context.

Merkin

The fact that he is a cousin is incidental. It happens sometimes and as far as I'm aware cousins are permitted to marry. I would have said go for it and not to worry until you mentioned he was married. For that reason I'd distance myself a little and view this as a crush and nothing more.

Meangadh

I understand moving away or cutting off contact isn't an option but you need to maybe make more of an effort to shape your own life without him being so central to it. Have you made friends in your new place?

I agree with what others have said, the being related part, whilst awkward, is not the point. He's married. I know it's hard when you like someone, but you have to do what's right.

tcif

As other posters have said, the crux of the issue here is that you have developed feelings for a married man. You know this is not a good situation - he's not a free agent and messing in someone else's marriage is wrong. I don't mean that to sound judgemental of you, just of where I worry this is headed.

I wonder if you're feeling lonely? If you've just moved to a new country the attention he's giving you could take on a bigger significance than it would if you were at home with your friends and your usual social outlets. I also wonder where is his wife when he's contacting you at 2pm in the afternoon?

My advice to you is to stop trying to figure out his motivation - that's a waste of energy and irrelevant to you - and cut contact with him (he may be family but you can do that if it's best for you) before this goes any further.

SnuggleBuddy

Hi everyone, OP here. I just want to say thanks to everyone for replying. I fully understand that he is married and for this reason, I should never have allowed the situation to develop into this - that's the benefit of hindsight, I guess. I was always aware of this from the beginning and would never allow anything physical to happen between us. I would never do anything which would interfere in their marriage or cause problems for them. I am just not that sort of person.

To answer one of the posters, his wife works a regular 9-5 job so she does not return home for many hours after he does. Both he and his wife have commented when I was alone with them that they are not 100% happy in the marriage, but I guess no marriage is completely perfect. I suspect that this may be one of the reasons for his contact with me. He sees me as an escape. However, I understand that I should not be focussing on his motivations, but it's difficult not to because I have feelings for him.

If I'm being totally honest with myself, I think I enjoy the attention I get from him. It's nice having someone who shows an interest in how I am doing or what I am up to so this is probably the main reason why I ended up falling for him.

To answer another poster, I guess I am a little lonely and maybe relied on him a lot for things that you would normally expect from friends. I have not made many friends since getting here for a number of different reasons, but I am making a big effort with that at the moment. I know I need to make him a less significant character in my life.

My question is how I can move on and forget about my feelings for him? In the past, in order to forget about someone, I had to cut contact with them completely, but that is not an option in this case. All the time, I keep trying to come up with reasons why I shouldn't have feelings for him. Apart from the fact that he is married, and also a relative, he is quite a volatile person, he can be rude and insulting (without realising it) and acts quite immaturely at times. Even his image is not what would usually interest me. However, no matter how many excuses I come up with, I just can't seem to force myself to stop having feeling towards him and it's killing me. Could anyone offer any advice on this?

Frito

Try not to think of a white elephant.

I wonder if it would help you not to focus on your feelings for him, why you shouldn't have them, how you can get over him. Thinking about him and what you need to do about him specifically will refocus your attention on something which may be a symptom of a problem.

It means that as well as improving your social network you will have to be disciplined and distract yourself when your thoughts wander, until this becomes habitual. This is not to say cut off all contact, just keep it superficial and don't indulge your imagination. And good luck.

mygoat

I was once in a similar situation as you are now, would have been identical if not for the fact that we weren't related.

He was borderline obsessed with me, and I found all the attention I was getting from him addictive. I knew I could do or say anything, and he wouldn't go anywhere. Even though he was incredibly arrogant, deceitful, inconsiderate and selfish, the sense of security and certainty I felt around him was very difficult to let go of.

When I finally decided to "quit him", I just kept refocusing from the feelings I had for him to the feelings I had for his very unattractive character traits and behaviour. How do you feel about other volatile, rude and insulting people? Whenever you find yourself indulging in the lovey, fuzzy feelings about him, switch your focus to how you feel about volatile, rude and insulting people. Your mind will eventually make a connection between him and his true colours, and you will be free. This technique worked for me a good few times, there is a good chance it will work for you too.

a posse ad esse

I think it would be best for you to distance yourself and only communicate with this relative during family functions. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with pursuing a relationship with a relative that you did not grow up with. As long as they are not married and closer in age (level of authority) I know people who have relationships with their first cousins as they never grew up together. The main issue in your case is that he is married and significantly older like you said. He has to be the responsible one and know better, imo. You are much younger and trying to adjust to a new place. I almost think that he is taking advantage of that and you by the way you are describing his personality. Something doesn't seem right with this fellow. Once you establish yourself and meet new people, I think you will be able to get over him faster.

tcif

SnuggleBuddy wrote: »

I would never do anything which would interfere in their marriage or cause problems for them. I am just not that sort of person.

OP, you're deluding yourself if you think that just because the relationship between you and this man hasn't turned physical yet that you're not interfering in their marriage. A relationship has both physical and emotional parts to it. The "feelings" you admit to for this man, and which you're wondering if he returns, are the emotional elements of the relationship he should only be sharing with his wife. Just because you haven't gone all the way to the end of the line doesn't mean you haven't crossed it. You have and need to turn back.

SnuggleBuddy wrote: »

All the time, I keep trying to come up with reasons why I shouldn't have feelings for him.

Seriously? He's married. Maybe you don't respect that, but then you say you're not "that sort of person" so I'll assume you do. It doesn't matter if he and/or his wife admit to problems in the marriage - so long as they are still together the assumption has to be they have not given up on working through them and their marriage is very much alive. While that's true he's off limits.

You keep saying you can't cut all contact with him - why not? If that makes it easier for you to do what you need to do, you should. If you can't you should keep your contact to him to a minimum and, as another poster has said, restrict it to social gatherings. As much as possible you need to avoid any one-on-one contact whether in person or by phone. No personal conversations, only family chats and small talk. If you don't, to be blunt, you're running the risk of finding yourself in the position of an affair with a married man and no good ever comes of that.

December2012

[quote="SnuggleBuddy;85641350". I would never do anything which would interfere in their marriage or cause problems for them. [/quote]

You already are.

You have developed an emotional connection more than you should have.

It will cause problems for them, by the sounds of it things are already rocky.

Fill your life with other people, other things, make a real effort to meet friends.

Do nothing about this man.

Lorna123

You are using him as a crutch because you have no other friends and it is comforting to know that you have someone in a foreign country that you can relate to. He is using you as a friend because he has nobody else he can relate to either. He is not free to take this any further than just being friends so you are wasting your precious time falling for him and building up something in your head that just cannot be. So before it gets out of hand and you bring a lot of trouble on yourself I would alienate myself from him. You don't want all of this going back to your family if it turns nasty. Don't be quick to answer his texts when you get them, and leave it longer and longer in between seeing him. Stop entertaining thoughts of a romance with him and go out with people your own age and it won't be long before you are over this crush.