What was he playing at?

LegacyUser

I've had feelings for a single male friend of mine for the last three years but never said anything because I was dealing with a really hurtful breakup after a LTR and I knew I needed a good bit of time to lick my wounds and recover. There about two months ago I decided to go for it and I told him I had feelings for him and had done since I'd met him. He told me several things that gave me a very clear green light, including that we should build on the relationship we already had and see where it took us. I was about to go away on holiday and he told me to give him a ring when I got back.

All was grand as far as I was concerned and I was excited to talk to him when I got home. When I think of it, I was like teenager, eejit that I am. I called him when I got back and we were talking for about five minutes, just about general stuff, what had been going on while I was away etc, then the next thing the phone line went dead. I didn't know whether the problem was on his line or mine so I tried to call him back. His phone was dead so presumably the phone died. Here's the mad thing - HE NEVER CALLED BACK!

He has never contacted me since, not a call nor a text, nothing. You might ask why I haven't called him but to be perfectly honest I'm a woman at the point in her life when it's time to take off at the first sign of fcukery, and that is what I'm dealing with here. It wasn't easy to tell him I had feelings for him, he reciprocated and then obviously had a change of mind and dealt with it in a very cowardly way. At least that's the way it looks to me. Unless anyone else has any other ideas? I'm still left with the question of what was he playing at? Why would anyone agree to start a relationship with someone if there was no truth to it??

Stavro Mueller

To be honest I don't think anyone can truly answer your question other than the man in question. Maybe he did genuinely want to go out with you at the start, then for any number of reasons changed his mind. For what it's worth I think your instinct is right. If his phone had genuinely died (my suspicion is that he hung up and turned the phone off) then he'd have been in touch by now.

P. Breathnach

It doesn't look good but...

Suppose the phone connection went down due to external factors; you think he broke the connection; he might think you broke the connection. In my book, if a connection drops, it is for the person who initiated the call to re-establish it. Okay, you tried, and it didn't work. But it's possible that he is wondering why you didn't re-establish contact.

It's a long shot, and it's for you to decide whether or not it's worth trying. Perhaps a text that gives him an opening to contact you if he is so minded?

December2012

How long ago was this?

Lorna123

If the phone went dead and the fault was at his end then he would know it and should have made contact with you to explain how his phone was faulty. Even if he thought that you hung up, which is highly unlikely as why would you make a call and then hang up before it was finished I still feel that he should get in touch with you now. You made the effort and he is now making none. I would not contact him again.

As for him agreeing to have a relationship with you, he could have just said this as he didn't know what else to say. He still doesn't know what to say or how to tell you he doesn't want a relationship with you so he is avoiding you. That is how I would read it.

LegacyUser

This was over a month ago December2012, and yes Lorna123, that's the way I'm reading things too. Obviously it's something to be let go of and moved on from, but it still stings that he didn't have the integrity to be honest with me from the start.

As for his thinking the call was dropped on my end, sure he couldn't have thought that since it was his phone that was off and anyway, he'd have gotten my missed call when he put his phone back on. Arsehole...

Katgurl

Hi OP,

i think he changed his mind about the whole thing and was too spineless to deal with it.

I had a good friend for almost 12 years, in the early days we had hooked up a few times after clubs or whatever but then it had settled into a solid friendship. Same as you, I developed feelings for him and he seemed to too (but twit that i am I dindn't talk to him about it rationally), his behaviour toward me definitely changed. I was leaving for 3 month contract abroad in a few weeks and decided to make a move before I left so I asked him out for a drink on our own. We didn't stay out long & ended up in bed. I woke up in the mornign & he was gone, no note, nothing. I texted that we needed to talk, I called him and left a message. It never even occurred to me that he was avoiding me, we were very good friends so I presumed he would be back to me later that day when he was free. He never answered or called me before I left the country. Two months after I was away he mailed me saying "sorry for being a d!ck to you" I said i was upset but it would possibly pass and maybe we woudl be friends again in time. A while later he was in my friend's house, got drunk and told her the truth - he had wanted to sleep with me but could tell I wanted more so he took the easy option, legged it & avoided me till I left, he knew I'd be mad but I'd calm down after a while.

I let it go a year (because I hate reacting to things when i'm feelign hurt or angry & might make an irrational decision) with occasional contact then i realised I wouldn't be changing my mind so I told him I wasn't mad anymore but I wanted nothing more to do wiht him given he didn't have enough respect for our friendship to have an uncomfortable conversation with me.

Sometimes people can be completely spineless. I suppose what you need to decide is if you can get over this behaviour and be friends in the future. I wouldn't consider a relationship with this man even if he did announce that he wanted one.

m'lady

I think I'd move on OP, it's hard when things like this happen but you will get over it in time. If a guy didn't reply/call me back then I wouldn't persue it- you will only look a bit like your chasing him- feck him and move on..